A
female
age
30-35,
*hortone1
writes:HI i just got married this year in may and me and my husband are having a difficult time. i am currently pregnant this is the second baby our first i miscarried and i have a hard time believing that he still loves me. i accuse him of cheating on me because i have gained so much weight and am not attractive as i once was and because he treats other women better then me. like he is much nicer and takes their advice and listens to them. it seems like i do every thing wrong in his eyes and never say the right things. for months now he has had a friend who is just his friend he says but her and him always call each other babe in texts and she calls him that when we go to her house she is much older like 50 and hes 37 and im 20. im not sure what is going on, but i feel like they are sexually involved. what advice can you give me.?? what should i do?? just last nite i found texts from my husband to her saying " she wont stop harrassing me and i told her we are just friends" and i found one back from her saying something like i hope she doesn't think that i would never do that. i just am puzzled and hate not knowing. please help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): Yes, please go and talk to your mum. Your young and pregnant and you need her support.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (29 November 2009):
 No money to buy books, no money for yourself. Not allowed to have a cell phone, not allowed to go out without your friends. Not allowed to do your laundry the way you want, not allowed to shop as you wish??????What the hell is this? Was your life like this at home. Were you so much of a prisioner, were you such a slave? Is this guy your husband, or is he your father. Sounds like he's treating you like a 5 year old and you're allowing it, because you "don't believe in divorce".... sigh... Dose your mother know how he is treating you?There is nothing you can do to get a man to drop his women friends. You can ask, that's all you can do. You can tell him how upsets it makes you, but that is all. Unfortunately it's difficult to be like him and keep smashing his cell whenever he calls her.
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A
female
reader, shortone1 +, writes (28 November 2009):
shortone1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question i don't have the time or money to buy a book or read one. he controls me so much that I don't have a cell phone and if i did hed break it, but when i did have one he broke about three total before i just gave up having one and he was texting me all the time. now hes texting her!. i have told him nicely not to text around me because i miss not having any one to talk to like my family or friends.and whats worse is i can;t even talk to him without being put down in some way.. thats the whole point I dont have friends like him and even if i did i wouldn't be able to go out with them nor' talk to them, so I choose not to have friends any more.he has changed me so much. i think hes had some problems in the past with other women and his other baby mommas, so this is why he treats me the worse. plus its my b-day in dec.20th and i think he thinks im going to be a party girl but i assure him i don't drink and don't like that scene because im finally going to be 21 and i like to be responsible and work hard for what i have and i think i deserve better then my husband although i would never get a divorce.i once weighed 85lbs when he met me and now i weigh close to 160lbs. since one night he asked me "do you think your going to be able to lose all this weight after the baby comes" i haven't ate as much and i always eat right. and now he's been gaining weight and i do not dare tell him, i always tell him how handsome he is and cute and how i just want him. im not going to lie about nothing, im a straight up person to everyone. thats why i am asking for help on this agony aunt, i know he may not find her attractive, but since shes got money and i don't i think it would give him a motive, men are not ever to be trusted and that is a fact, once you let them do what they want and not let you know nothing then they never tell you what they're doing and when they are going to be back, i have set home before wondering when my husband would be back home because he told me he was leaving and would only be gone a couple of hours which actually was 5 hours.to find out where he went i had to drill him which i know wasn't the best thing to do but i mean come on, thats the only thing i could of done.he said he stopped at her house for a second, but you know i don't trust neither of them alone.i have problems trusting people because once you trust someone they usually back stab you and i feel like my husband has already done that by sharing personal information with her about me from the text i found" she won't stop harrassing me......oh and i forgot to add in the rest " i think she misses her mommy"... thats right he said that to her. i love my mom the most because she always understood me and gave me anything i needed and has took me out shopping and out to lunch and she was always there to talk to. now with my husband if he took my out shopping hed pick out my close and such and he is never wanting to just talk about anything that i have on my mind. I give him alot of space and let him have any friend he wants, but he has double standards...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2009):
About his controlling nature when it comes to household business.. you don't work because your pregnant.. that's your job, so you do contribute... if you choose to be a stay at home mum, you are working, you are a housewife and mother, the best job in the world.
Your a new wife, and your young. Your not confident in your abilties yet, and that's why you liCsten to his advice about things that you should really take control of. Please get some household manual books, they are brilliant at giving good tips on how to run a household, and will give you all the confidence you need. "Superwoman" by Shirley Conran is brilliant, for teaching you how to cut corners whilst still running a nice house. Lovely book by a clever woman who managed to marry a millionaire. Unless you get confidence in your household skills, you'll have problems with your husband when the baby comes, because he'll try to control that as well. Read a lot of books, talk to other wives and mothers and pick up tips you can use to make you feel more in control. You'll meet lots of mothers at antenatal classes, and when the baby is born, you'll meet more at mother and baby groups. Make some friends of your own, who can support you like his friend supports him. That will hopefully make your time together less stressfull and more special to the both of you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2009):
Sounds like your husband has found a good friend to talk to.. she's 50, not as young and pretty as you, probably she's more like a mother figure. Would you be this upset if he was talking to a man friend? Is your husband allowed friends, or is it only female one's you don't like.
We all need friends, and that's what is happening here. I bet she helps him lots with his problems. He dumps his problems on her instead off on you. You've had a miscarriage, your pregnant again, could you be feeling a little upside down at the moment. Where are your friends, don't you have people you talk to about your problems? Or do you expect your husband to be everything, husband, lover, father, friend or brother? Sometimes people need their space, they need to turn to someone else. I don't think she wants your man, and I don't think he wants her, she's just his friend. To get his friendship, try being a friend to him first. Telling him who he can talk to, "harrassing" him, isn't going to bring him closer, it will just push him further away. To get respect, give respect, to be his friend, then treat him as a friend. Pretend this woman is just like a man friend, treat your husband the same way you would treat your best girlfriend. See if that works. I think if you make things at home a little bit more about "him", rather than "you" or "us", he may not need to spend so much time with friends outside the house. Difficult I know, since you've been through so much, and need him so much. But demanding he drop his friends, telling him who he can talk to, is not going to make him think nicely about you, or want to trust you with his feelings and emotions.
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A
female
reader, shortone1 +, writes (27 November 2009):
shortone1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much this advice is real helpfull and i will try my hardest to do what I can, I definently will talk to this women becuase i know she is doing wrong and they both need to realize it.
I DONT believe that i will do what i want when i want like the dishes n laundry because at this point i dont' pay any bills and so i think i have to respect his wish until I start to pay the bills. i hope i continue to get more answers. thank you .
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A
female
reader, shortone1 +, writes (25 November 2009):
shortone1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have confronted my husband many times and i told him it would make me feel better if you didn't talk to her as often atleast not around me, yet he still does and just acouple nites ago before we went to sleep he had to text her... i don't know what it was about, but he doesn't know i read his texts and i barely have a chance to get ahold of his phone. he always tells me why im so jealous, but really im not jealous i jsut wish he and me had a better connection knowing we will be living together the rest of our lifes and starting a family. He doesn't acknowledge my feelings nor' does it seem like he cares about me, he only seems like he cares about the baby that is due Dec.11th and cares about other people. i think its cause im so much younger than he is and he doesn't acknowledge that im a good person with feelings, knowledge. I know this because he constantly tells me what to do and how to do it and what time i can do it like im some kind of child for example like the dishes i can only do them once a day at 5pm and i have to do them once a day and the laundry once a week. something is totally wrong and I am probably going to take us to some kind of counseling.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (25 November 2009):
 Male friendships with women other than their partner/ wife are very difficult to deal with. My boyfriend has a kind of sounding board with another woman that has gone on for years and I don't like it. With me, I don't think anything has happened but I am still mistrustful and wary. If your husband and this woman have known each other for a long time they will have a fair bit in common. However he married you and is having a family with you. I do know some men are more pleasant to women outside of the house and are more charming then they are to their wives and this is often because they are putting on an act to look decent and appealing to the outside world. There have recently been a lot of posts on this site about men with female friends and how they confide in them / is there more to it type questions and I can only conclude that there are a lot of men out there who do have at least one close female friend in addition to their wife and presumably thy get something out of the relationship. If she is around 50 and he is 37 they may have a bit in common as she will have experienced a fair bit in life that may be a 20 year old hasn't had as yet. That doesn't make her any more interesting or anything like that it may just be she has more experience to draw upon over issues like work, family, money whatever. I am very sorry that you miscarried and I hope this pregnancy goes all the way for you. I appreciate you are very hormonal and will be upset about your weight. All these things happen in pregnancy and I think your husband should be more supportive. However I do know from personal experience that pregnant women can be very hard to deal with and fly off the handle for no reason and are tearful and emotional at times which can be hard for a man to deal with. I don't think your husband is talking about intimate things about you with his friend I would imagine it is more work orientated. However because of your pregnancy and your emotional state his chatting to her is upsetting you and you need to tell him this. Tell him calmly and rationally how you feel and that you would like him to contact her less. If he fails to grasp your point or puts up defences then there may be more to his frienship but give him a chance to sort the matter out on his own terms.I wish you all the best,
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 November 2009):
 Pregnancy does mess with your mind and your body. It's a shame your husband isn't more understanding and supportive but maybe he's just keeping his emotions in check because of the miscarriage. I think once you have this beautiful baby and get your figure under control you'll find that things improve dramatically. At least wait until after the birth to try and assess your relationship. I also don't think he's cheating on you but you know that if you keep accusing him of it he might just figure he might as well do it. Do keep us posted.
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