A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there.I'm currently 9 months pregnant with my 3rd child. Around the 8th month of pregnancy I found out that my husband of almost 9 yrs was cheating on me with someone from another state (he's in the military and travels a lot). It started when I was about 5 months pregnant and he was sent away for training for 7 weeks. It only ended because I found out about it. First let me say that this is the "second" affair he's had (at least from what I know). In 2007 I was shocked to find out that our "perfect" relationship was a sham. Our family and friends used to come to us for love advice and admired our relationship so much because we tried sooooo hard to remain loving and sweet to each other and make sure our relationship was fresh and communicative, or so I thought. Anyway, in 2007 he met and courted a woman and spent OUR hard earned money on her for 9 months while I was at home tending to our 2 kids and holding down the fort. He used his job as an excuse to get to see her and even took her on an extravagant vacation and spent valentine's day and other holidays with her instead of his family. I was completely devastated by the first affair because it lasted so long and because I believe he was in love with this woman. He talked about marriage with her and even mentioned our kids' name as their own if they were to get married. He met her family and sent her sweet love messages and slept with her multiple times. He talked to her on the phone more than he spoke with me, the list goes on and on and on. I found out about the affair because he broke up with her and 2 weeks later she found me and contacted me. Hubby and I separated for a while but he was a completely different person during our separation. He tried to bribe me to come back and threatened to take the kids and was a complete douche bag. Eventually he started going to church and I saw the man I once knew. My heart softened and I took him back. Fast forward 2 yrs later and I'm back to square one. This time around I don't care to know the intensity of the relationship he had, I just know that it was strong enough for him to leave our kids and me and travel 5 1/2 hrs via plane to spend a weekend with his mistress. When I confronted him, he claimed I wasn't supposed to find out and she meant nothing to him. He has since done the church going thing again and is pledging to recommit to God despite the fact that we've been actively going to church all along. We were both brought up in the church but for some reason, it didn't sink it for him.I'm pretty much cold and distant towards him. I feel nothing but anger and pity on him because I know I did nothing wrong in the relationship to deserve this treatment. In the months, weeks, days or hours before both affairs, never did he come to me and discuss any problems he felt we were having. He never mentioned not being happy because if he did, he knew I would've worked overtime to fix it. The first time he claimed that he was insecure because I'm an actress and he seems to think that while I'm on set, guys will try to get with me and I'll oblige. I found this very insulting especially since every time I'm on set, I'm passing around pictures of my family including him and I've told him this over and over and over. It still didn't matter because I've never cheated on him so that's not an excuse. I gave him everything and did everything for him. I did everything in the house including taking care of household repairs, I satisfied him in every way, or so I thought. I have no idea why he still wants to be with me if he keeps treating his kids and me like dirt. I'm not ugly, I'm a christian woman, I'm very educated, I've kept up my body since we've been together (which I think is a shallow point since it shouldn't matter what I look like) and I know I have a great personality and I'm always focused on the positives in life. I don't know what else to do for this man and it's "draining" for me to please someone who doesn't care to please me by doing the one thing I've asked of him, "not to cheat". I've given up my career and job to be with him and support him since he's in the military and we move around a lot. I feel like a lost soul stuck in a prison of lies.I basically want to know if this marriage is even worth saving. I truly don't believe he'll change since everything he's promised me this time, he already did the first time he cheated, however, I'm coming from a place of anger. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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affair, broke up, cheated on me, christian, insecure, military, mistress, money Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous - no the USMC won't provide for us after the divorce. Of course they will expect him to pay child support and the kids will continue to have insurance coverage but it will be based off his rank how much I'll receive so if his paycheck gets affected, so will the kids. Unfortunately I don't get insurance or other military benefits after a divorce unless we were married for longer than 20yrs. I do have the option to get a portion of his paycheck if he stays in for at least 20 yrs but that'll be for a while. The military's politics can be pretty tricky.
Myvisionismydestiny- thanks for your comment and suggestion. I'll definitely not be wasting anymore time wondering what my H is doing and whether he's with someone else. I don't have the time or energy for it. I know that God will see me through. :)
A
female
reader, myvisionismydestiny +, writes (2 November 2009):
Wow all I have to say is move on fast. I know it will be hard and you probally don't know were to start. But take it from me who is separting from my husband who has cheated on me only once. However I know that he would probally do it again.
Because when a man cheats with an excuse of why he did he will always have a reason. You or your children don't deserve it.
Do you actually want to sit in bed at night when he's away and think to your self, Is he out with another women no! You don't deserve it and your kids don't deserve it. Not to mention AIDS it out there, and it's not worth it.
Trust me kids feel what their mom feels, no matter how hard you try to conceal it. You deserve better!
Take Faith and not fear, it will work in your favor in the end. Just trust God.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): If he's pretty high ranking, won't the USMC make sure you and your children all taken care of after you divorce?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, u bring up a great point. Unfortunately that doesn't actually apply to the military well for th Marines at least. The 1st time around his CO found out and I even spoke with him about it but they prefer these types of situations be handled without the military involved and nothing happened at all. This time around I know the same thing will happen because there have been at least 4 different cases of his coworkers cheating and nothing happened to them. He is pretty high in ranking so he definitely won't get in trouble. If there were a chance for him to get in trouble at work, it would probably affect him not getting promoted on time but that would actually work against me since his paycheck would get affected and I need to make sure our kids are taken care of the way they're used to.
I do appreciate the suggestion though. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): Being that he is in the military, you have the upper hand in this situation. Threaten to take him to his Commanding Officer, as I believe adultery is still a punishable offense under UCMJ, if he does not provide a means for you and your children to return to where your family lives. Depending on his rank, you probably have him by the balls--I'll bet that's why he keeps begging for forgiveness even though he is dead wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your response anonymous, I appreciate the insight and kind words. You're right, my husband doesn't deserve the family he has. I now know what needs to be done to make sure my children and I are ok.
Take care. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Your husband will going to cheat on you, he does not care how wonderful wife and great mother you are. Why? Because cheating is his charactor and his lifestyle. One Cheater always cheater is very true. You gave him second chance, he continues to cheat on you again. It seems that he is ver professional on cheating women. He cheated on you and your children and did not stop. I do not believe in second chance. If he can be forgiven one time he can do it again. So many cheaters I have met on this website and Yahoo answer cheated and cheated again. Some men cheated with 30 and 40 women all his marriage life. They are dogs, Idiot and no charactor. He has no heart, he does not care your feeling and he does not love you and respect you. Be brave to leave him. You gave him a lot and you did not have the same feedback and return.BELIEVE ME, HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. God bless you and your children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so very much for reading and commenting on my situation, I really appreciate it. You all said exactly what I was feeling. This is supposed to be a joyous time in my life. I'm trying my best to remain calm to ensure I carry this baby to term but it's extremely hard for me because we're currently stationed 14 hrs flight time away from our family and close friends so I have no one to truly turn to over here. I also know that if I do tell my family and friends, they will all come down on him really hard like they did last time but of course this time it'll be worse. That will leave me in a weird situation of having to fight this battle on my own since he has access to me first hand. I don't fear for my life or my children's life but he pretty much knows that I have limited options as far as leaving him right now. It'll be months before I'm able to travel with an infant and I have no idea where to begin with having to start over in this economy. Our finances are completely merged and since I handle all our bills, I know that it'll take a while to get everything split cordially especially since he doesn't want out of the marriage.
Nevertheless, I'll be making plans to eventually leave him because I don't even have the desire to hug him anymore so I know we can't continue living like this for very long.
Anyway, thanks soooo much again for all your help. I'll keep everyone posted.
God bless. :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 October 2009):
 I'm sorry you have to go through this trauma at what should be a happy time for you. Congratulations on your imminent arrival.
I think it sounds like you have a good handle on things. You are not being hysterical or irrational, despite your anger.
I think he's demonstrated that he is not to be trusted. You gave him a second chance, he took it and abused that trust in the most brazen and low way. I think you can end the marriage with a clear conscience (I'm assuming you've told us everything). I'm with quiet-echo here too, start planning. Put your anger to good use, plan plan document plan. Make any future legal proceedings as painless as possible by gathering up all the evidence and documentation you need. I would go ahead and see a divorce attorney to find out what you should be doing. There are tactics involving bank accounts and credit cards and spending that are counterintuitive, and potentially a landmine field. Get accurate information so you don't lose anymore than a split like this inevitably does. Find the sharkiest attorney you can. You and your children deserve to be well taken care of.
Normally, I would counsel trying to save the marriage. After affair number two, after an agonizing affair number one? Not so much. He had his chance. He clearly has a problem. Time to protect yourself and your children.
Good luck and please let us know how you get on. My best wishes to you.
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (27 October 2009):
 I want to point out one very important issue that you have brought up in this question. You go on about how great of a person you are (which I believe 100 percent). You sound very educated, you kept your body in shape in spite of having children (good for you!), and you seem to be a great mother and wife. I want you to know though that you could be supermom/wife/lover and this guy is going to continue to cheat on you. It isn't a reflection of you at all. It's something wrong with the man. He obviously has no self control and no appreciation for what he has. He is self indulgent and constantly needs other women's approval for his own being.
That being said, you should know that in the future there is nothing you'll be able to do in preventing him in cheating all over again. He is constantly traveling, so it makes it easy for him to lie as to where he is going. Let's face it, your trust in him is completely destroyed. What kind of relationship is expected to be a happy one if there is no trust? Don't get me wrong, I am totally for married couples resolving their issues in order to stay together. Especially when kids are involved. But he can state that he is 'closer to God' as much as he wants, he has used that excuse before, and he ended up cheating all over again.
There will always be willing women out there to have an affair. And it seems like his always willing to use them. There are a very few percent of people as a whole who change who they are, and he doesn't sound like the type. He only regrets his decisions after he's caught, and he's willing to say anything to keep you around as a standby. This isn't fair for you. It destroys your self confidence and let's face it, you don't deserve to be treated as such. You want to know my advice?
I would leave him. Make sure he pays a hefty child support and take half of his worth. A court of law will be on your side in this case, especially because of your kids and his history of infidelity. He may say he loves you, but people that really love their significant others don't go out of their way to hurt them. You deserve so much better than this treatment. You are still relatively young, and if you're like you say you are, then you'll have no problem picking up the pieces and starting new with enjoying your life with your children, and perhaps meeting someone new after the divorce. All the best of luck to you.
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