A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im married with kids but not long ago my husband caught me having sex with me cousin. I realise that i love my cousin, an that i have tried to ignore my feelings an so as he, but we can't. We love each other, i'm older than he is (by 14yrs)an family will dissown us both!! (i never grew up with him, so in a way don't look upon him as my cousin, because we never saw each other for 12-15yrs) I want kids with him, but he is worried about the effects on the child because of us being 1st cousins? My husband knows were still together an seems fine with it, even though now an then he acts a little jelous. Im still with my husband, an i see my cousin 4-5 times a wk (with the knowlage of my husband) Tbh my husband gets on really well with him, an they have become really good friends. My husband even knows that i have sex with my cousin on a regular basis. How can i tell my husband i want kids with my cousin? An how can i convince my cousin that i love him enough to want his child? Any advice you could offer me, would be great. An pls don't just dissmiss this sort of love if you have never felt it befor. The feelings between me an my cousin are so intence that it's scary to think you can feel that much love for one person.Thankyou.
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male
reader, yoniage  +, writes (28 May 2008):
You are married to a most enlightened man, who seemingly succeeded in overcoming the childish feelings of jealousy which nothing has to do with love between two grown people.Don't be surprised if at some point he may eventually want to watch or participate in non-penetrative ways, like using his arms to have your hips meet your boyfriend's thrusts.Your boyfriend sounds the special individual worth being part of your enlarged family. It makes sense the fact he wants to wait to take such important step, it shows he realizes its implications. If I were in you I'd also want to always use condoms, albeit not-latex ones, and expecially avoid fertile days, since withdrawal alone just can't suit your current needs... though reversing this behaviour isn't guaranteed to make you expect immediately.Women's fertility fades away with age, and apart from this it's not an uncommon fact that perfectly healthy couples miss to have children because of perfectly unknown reasons. Some couples are just incompatible from that point of view,with the man's gametes being mistakenly attacked by the woman's immunitary system.When you'll feel the right time has come, don't become obsessed with children and expecially don't insist on your boyfriend. Take your time enjoying making lots of love with him, then lay down and sleep. It takes no less than thirty minutes to have his gametes swim well past your cervix.Carefully planning your family will mean your love child will see the light unlike the countless children throughout the world's history which resulted from the heat of a moment.I hope what I said will come useful to you, and Inevertheless wish you the best of lucks.[e-mail blocked]
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, the lady DiovanLestat has raised a couple of questions that i would like to answer.
You asked me how long we have been together? We have been together since Jan'08.
You asked how my husband an the rest of the family found out? They found out because one nite when my husband had gone to bed early, my cousin an I sat on the settee kissing an my husband just happened to come back downstairs for something an caught us like that. My husband were that hurt an cross that he phoned all the family an told them what I/we had done.
An i feel i must clarify that when i said my cousin goes home, then comes back. What i meant were he only goes home one day a wk an only stays there for a few hours (at the most his been home for 10hrs before coming back to me) this tell me all i need to know about how he feels in a way, an that he misses being with me.
In regards to no-one ever loving you in this way, don't give up, I'm not sure how old you are but i belive there is some one out there for everyone an love can come at anytime (there were a couple on the radio that were married at the age of 86 so dont think its ever too late)
An yes we have talked about having children (my cousin an i) an he as said that he dont want them yet for at least another couple of years so we will be waiting. I know he wants kids in the future because he as said before, so its just a matter of waiting until he is ready now. Mind you tbh were limited on birth control because of me having epilepsy. I cant use the pill as its less effective with the drugs i take for my epilepsy an for the same reason i cant use the inplant or most other stuff. I am also allergic to latex so condoms with latex cant be used, an the non-latex ones have split on me before, so at the moment im using the withdrawal method with my husband and my cousin.
thanks once again to all of you ....xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Your situation seems to have improved from when you first got in touch, and for this I am glad.
I think you've been real brave to bring this up with both your husband and your lover. Not many woman could you know. I think your also very brave in discussing this with us, not many women would. I think that there's a lot of people out there doing the same thing.
You don't have to do anything formal, your already living together as a threesome, and everybody seems like their trying to get things to work. I know your husband loves you very much. He said he will try and for the moment it seems like he is. Your lover say's he loves you, and he comes back to you (and your husband) and he's willing to share. I'm sorry for you, you must be feeling like somebody hates you up there. I know you love him, I know you don't want to love him, but this thing is stronger than the both of you.
You don't say how long this has been going on. It's probably all just happened and your still in shock. I'm not sure how the family got to know and how it all came out.
This situation will shock some people and they may judge you harshly. No matter, it's not their business. They got to much churching but forgot to read the bible properly otherwise they would see that men lived like this before, and nobody said a thing. In ancient times it was morally wrong just to have one wife, seemed kind of selfish.
But we're not living in ancient times and you need to protect your husband, lover and children from the shame that some people wanna stick on you. You got to be private about this, it's your secret, nobody else's business. Your not dirty, your clean... Your in love...You got two great men that love you back... Your just living in the wrong time.
The other solution is easier, and more acceptable. Your a married woman who has fallen in love with somebody else. You could leave your husband and move in with your lover alone. You can see your husband and the kids, and people will understand this more. It will be difficult and people may still talk, but it will normalize the situation and may make you feel more comfortable.
I got angry cause you weren't thinking, and you couldn't see how lucky you were. You must be very special if you got two men who are willing to look the world in the eye, push everyone else aside and say "I love this woman and want to be with her no matter what." I'm jealous, I aint got noone to love me like that.
Well, you know the difficulties and problems that may come up. (including your lovers age) As long as your not hurting anybody, I can't see your doing anything wrong. Oh Yea, forget about having another baby, until this thing beds down and settles, you and your lover are young enough, you can have kids later. You can wait a year until your sure that things will work. It's not fair to bring a baby into this untill everything is settled.
Take care of you babes. Good luck to your family and your two "husbands".... Hope everything goes ok.... Keep in touch and come back if you need further advice. I'm crossing my fingers for you all.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi this is again an update, (hope no one minds so many updates) I had an heart to heart with my cousin last night about our relationship. I asked him "What would you do if family found out about us? Would you side with family an leave me, or would you stand up to family an stay with me?" His answer suprised me. My cousin said "yes, I would stand up to family, I lost you once I aint losing you again" (let me explain that bit, when my husband caught us together he told my cousin to leave, an we never saw each other for 4-5wks) But this time when my cousin said last night that he would choose me, I were so happy I wanted to cry, as I really did expect him to choose family an not me.
Everyone keeps saying how young he is, its a lot to take on. (his 21) He is a very mature 21 year old.
An no DiovanLestat I'm not angry with you for what you are saying. I am listening to you honestly I am, an yes some of the points you have raised are good ones. So pls dont think i'm ignoring you because im not.
My cousin has been at mine now for nearly 2wks, I say nearly because every week he as gone home for a few hours to see family an then come back to me in the evening. My husband enjoys having him here as much as me I think as its my husband that has called him in the past to ask if he is coming back that day?
Well thats all for now, but if you have a question to ask me, then go ahead an I will do my best to answer you if I can.
thanks for your help everyone.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): I know your angry with me and I know why. It's easier to be angry than me than look at the mindboggling situation that you find yourself in. It's not that he's your cousin, but he's younger than you and your not sure that he will stay and get this thing to work.
Of course you can have a 3-way-marriage, people probably live like this all over the place and nobody knows any different. As I've said, as long as your husband and lover support you in this, the kids are taken care of, and everybody is discrete, everything should go well. (I mean your living like this already)
But the problem is your not sure you can get everybody to agree. You want the best for your husband and kids, you don't want to upset their lives, but you want your cousin and are unable to let him go. This is very adult stuff and a lot for a 20year old lad to take on board. If you could be sure he cared you wouldn't still be on this board.
You'd be giving blessings that you get to share two loving men or you'd say damn it, pack your suitcase and run of into the sunset with him.... It's unravelling before you eyes. Your husband might be willing, but your lover is something else. You say you want a baby. Why? You already got some. You want his baby so you can keep him and get him to stay.
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 Sorry if my original reply sounded dismissive. My feeling was that your current situation is so complex in so many ways (husband's jealousy, family's reaction, age difference, the fact that he's your cousin) that a complete break -- either the husband or the cousin -- was the only option.
If polyamory might work, then by all means go ahead with it. I hope it works out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Well, if your husband is OK with you having sex with your cousin and having his kids, then perhaps you could have a three-way relationship with your husband and cousin. Do you think you would enoy regular threesomes with them? Is your husband open-minded enough that he would be willing to be in such a relationship with you and your cousin?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, this is to thank Mr anonymous, for advising me to forget what family have to say, an also to give you all an update. I think tbh that Mr anonymous, could be right because in my 1st write in I said that family would dissown us both, but the fact is that family are speaking to my cousin, but not to me after my husband caught us together so I have nothing to lose I spoze? I would love him to move in on a permanent basis, but I'm unsure how to bring the subject up to either of them tbh (husband or cousin) any ideas Mr anonymous, would be apreciated.
I showed my husband one of the sites on the polyamory that were suggested by an earlier reader, an he were very intrested. He replied "I didnt even know there were a special name for what we were doing, let alone that others did it?"
Thankyou to all that have given me possitive advice. I will try an keep u all updated.....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): I cant believe the people on here that are so narrow minded. Your cousin is a distant realtion compared to somone like your dad or brother. You grew up without even knowing your cousin so as far as your family go "F**K THEM" if they were there for you they would see that your in love and that there isnt anything you can do about. I say this but in reality your cousin wont hang around long. He's young and obviously shouldnt be settling down in a full time relationship and you certainly shouldnt bring kids into an unstable relationship. I say enjoy it while it last's because i think its going to be short lived.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): Thank you Miss A female reader, anonymous, your advice is timely, clear and enlightening. I thank you for your help. You have laid out clearly with your elegant words, the choices that are available to lady, who finds herself in a very difficult position. Unfortunately the situation is so full of emotion and shame, that this lady can't see the wood from the trees.
A Polgymous relationship, based on honesty, consent and caring should work nicely in this situation. Things will be difficult but not impossible. If this lady has the support and love of her lover and her husband she should be able to arrange things to achieve the maximum happiness possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, the lady that is going on bout polyamory speaks a lot of sense an as raised a few questions that i feel i should answer, so hear we go....my cousin hasnt said that he wants children yet he just said that he would want children one day. He commented once that he would like to try for children when he is around 25. In regards to living arrangments we haven't thought about it tbh were still very much in the early stages, an my cousin is spending more an more time at ours. I/we like having him around. An yes, he helps out with the kids, he'll play with them, occupy them, take them out, spend time on the computer with them showing them how to do stuff, an he will correct them if they do something they shouldn't, so yes in a way where the children are concerned he already has his say an helps look after them.In regard to my cousin staying at the house with no ties, he is happy to be at ours an stays of his own free will with out being asked an for as long as he likes. He decides if an when he wants to go home. All 3 of us love the children very much. An yes you are right as long as children are brought up in a loving safe home, then nothing else matters. Thankyou to all those that have given me help and support.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): It seems to me that the demographic on this site may not be giving you the advice you're looking for about how to manage bringing children into a non-traditional relationship. Google "polyamory" and you'll find lots of helpful and positive information about this type of alternative relationship.The fact that one of your partners is your cousin obviously adds to the complexity of the situation. To be honest, 21 is a very young age for a man to want children; are you sure he does want children, both with you, right now, and ever? You mention that your cousin loves them as 2nd cousins and nothing more--what did you have in mind as living arrangements for your multiple family? All kids and all adults living together? To the best of my knowledge, that usually involves all the adults "parenting" all of the children to some degree. You might want to do some research into how long-term polyamorous couples manage their family relations and parenting roles before you commit to this--it's guaranteed to be more complicated than the usual set-up. Is your cousin up for that? Have you considered that at his age, no matter how much he loves you, he might prefer to be able to come and go from the household without ties, rather than having to always be there as a parent? Just something to think about.I am not against polyamory, or children in non-traditional households. I believe that children who are brought up surrounded by love and strong healthy relationships of any sort will turn out okay. It's just important to recognize that any non-traditional choice is going to be more complicated that the usual thing, and you've got to be aware and prepared going into it. Love and respect for everyone involved are the keys here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): Stuff.. I really got a slow down and read things properly. The devil is always in the details.......
I now see that your family will disown you, if they find out. They will also disown your 20year old cousin. Nobody, apart from your husband knows you are having sex 4/5 times a week, even though your young cousin lives with you for 2/3 days a week.
Your husbands not so fine with things, "cause sometimes he acts a little jealous". But it's alright because your lover and your cousin are now friends and "get on really well". You've both tried to fight your feelings but you can't because you share an intense love.
You want children by him but your lovers not sure, because of the danger of genentic abnormality. (a common problem with inbreeding) You haven't yet told your husband of your intention to get pregnant again, you haven't told him you want your lover to be the father.
You were right, and I accept part of you criticism. I did need to do more research and stop making assumption. It makes things clearer, but I'm not sure how any of this helps the situation. However I now understand you are asking for advice on two questions.
"How can I convince my 20year old lover, who is related to me that our children will not be born deformed."
"How can I tell my husband that I am trying to get pregnant by my lover who is my cousin."
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Your right I don't know you, I don't your family and I don't know your kids. I don't know these things, because these are not things you are concerned with. Your initial post was inaccurate and and therefore very misleading.
It's shouldn't be "My husband caught me having sex with my cousin." or even "How can I make a relationship work with me, my cousin, my husband and my four kids." Reading between the lines it seems you should have asked "How can I get people to support me in my decision to sleep with my younger cousin, whilst I'm still married to husband who loves me." Now that is a question I might be able to answer, and I might have offered you better advice.
You can insult me all you want. It dosen't matter to me, one bit. If your so angry at me for what I say, imagine how it'll feel once your pregnant with your lovers child. I'm see that you have no intention of leaving your husband and children, but honestly I don't understand how your gonna get this thing to work.
Trying to bring up five children (4 for your husband and one from your lover) will be a hard job for anyone, let alone your 20year old lover. However it might just work as there are three of you in this relationship and your husband dosen't seem to mind. I know your kids may love their "2nd cousin", but I'd put money on it that they see things differently when they know you are having sex with him and see you pregnant.
How old are your kids by the way, is your husband a lot older than you, is he younger. How long you been married? You didn't really tell us anything accept your husband knows your having sex with your cousin, he dosen't mind and your arranging to have a baby with your lover.
Please keep us updated. I'd love to know how this all works out.
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male
reader, previasc96  +, writes (19 May 2008):
This situation my be great for the adults involved, but you have to think about the confusion it would cause amongst the children. We don't live in ancient times were cousin on cousin relations and marriage was common. It's very taboo even though law doesn't prohibit it. How would you feel if your husband wants to sleep with other woman? If you think that this arrangement can work, you don't need to ask our opinions. Go for it!
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female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (19 May 2008):
 Yes it's legal with your cousin in the UK. And yes you have a much greater chance that any children you have will have problems that might include deformities or mental illness.
And no, you are wrong. The risk doesn't increase by 2-3%. The risk IS 2-3%. That's too high for most people Two or three children out of every hundred born to cousins will have deformities - and that doesn't include the peculiarities, eccentricities and mental problems that occur within families where marriages between cousins are common. It's one hell of a risk to take.
All right, so people marry their cousins. What strikes me as bizarre is that you can consider doing this when you are already married with kids. This isn't normal behaviour. And, worse, you say your family will disown you. Doesn't the rest of your family mean anything to you?
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female
reader, Emzy1591 +, writes (19 May 2008):
 You asked us a question and for our advice. DiovanLestat was just giving her advice- which u asked for. Sorry love, truth hurts. You are sick and you are twisted and tbh i wouldn't expect your husband to stay for long. You're going to lose everything to carry out your twisted fantasy with your cousin. I hope its all worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi this is a msg for all you ppl that say I'm sick!!! It is legal in the UK to have an a relationship with your cousin an get married GOOGLE IT!!! I researched all this befor I got involved. As for stealing his youth he is a free agent who made the 1st move on me not the other way round tbh. He is an adult old enough to make his own mind up. He as said that I have got better looking as I have got older. An last night for the 1st time he said "I love you, an I really mean that, I honestly do" It were the 1st time he had said I really mean that, I honestly do.
I have no intention of leaving my husband or the kids for that matter, what ever gave anyone that idea!!!?
An as for having kids with my cousin the odds of there being more wrong with the child is very slim (I researched that aswell, the odd are only increased by 2-3%) an as for a dirty secret, thats one thing it isn't if my husband knows about it. An my husband can't mind about iut that much if he has my cousin staying at our house for 2-3 nights at a time!!
As for my cousin replacing my childrens dad an calling him dad how sick is that. You only ever get one dad an once he as gone no one will/can fill his shoes an replace him!!
Only my cousins own children will have the right to call him dad, my children don't have the right an never will. An tbh he wouldn't want them too as he loves them as his 2nd cousin an nothing more.
Some ppl are with there cousin because its part of there religion. An its even good enough for the royal family to do it. So in my opinion if the royals can do it, thats good enough for me!! So before you judge me stop an think about the royals, what ya gonna do call them sick aswell?
Tbh this answer is mainly aimed at (DiovanLestat) the woman with the negative attitude, that is so much full of her self that she can't keep an open mind, an instead of giving me helpfull advice, would rather give her opinion an slag me off, how dare you when you know nothing about me, or my family for that matter?? Do your research before you slag ppl, so you know the facts an dont offer ppl a faulse answer!!
To the rest of you who have replied so far thanyou. If you need to know more ask me an don't assume. (an I have 4 children not 3) an they all think the world of my cousin i.e there 2nd cousin.
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male
reader, oldfool +, writes (19 May 2008):
I'm not sure if I can take this post seriously. With the full knowledge of your husband, you're having a sexual and emotional relationship with a cousin who's 14 years younger than you?
My advice would be: If you love your cousin that much and want his children, get divorced from your husband, marry your cousin, and move away from the district. That's the only way that this very involved (perhaps "twisted" is a better word) situation can be straightened out. Either that, or leave the cousin alone.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Please its your first cousin its like having sex with your own brother think before you have any baby to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Hey, you still there. Gives us an update. You packing your suitcase and making plans to move in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): You asked for any advice on offer, but I'm not sure your gonna like what I have to say. I think your a nasty peice of work, if you don't mind me saying, and I'm saying this based on your actions rather than an examination of the flaws in your personality.
You present as a woman under 35 from the UK. Your married, have children, are having sex with your cousin, with your husbands knowledge. Your cousin is 14years younger than you. But you don't care cause you wanna dump your husband, leave your kids, have some more kids with someone your related to. As I said, that's what's nasty, not the fact that your having sex with your cousin.
Legally in the UK, there's no law against having sex with your cousin. That's your dirty secret that's about to explode. I wonder how your children and family are going to react to this. Wonder what the kids are gonna say at school when they tell everybody how you ran out on them to go have sex and have children with your cousin. Or maybe you'll take them with you, take them away from their father, take them from their friends and family, give them to your 20year old relative and tell them everything is ok because they got "a new daddy to love now."
I wonder if your children will be born deformed because your genetically so close. I wonder if anyone will turn up the christening of the child you give birth to by your cousin. Heck, I wonder if anybody you know will ever talk to you again. You know what you should move far away, get a hijab (veil covering from head to foot) so nobody knows who you are. You better lie about who he is and what you've done, cause people get funny about this kind of thing.
Your behaviour makes me sick to be a woman. You've treated your husband so badly that he's lost all respect for himself. He's willing to share you and put up with this situation. He loves you, that's clear, unconditionally. He dosen't want to loose you, "Hey it's ok, at least she's with me, even if she is having sex with her cousin." Maybe he'll even adopt any kids you and your cousin have. But that's not not enough for you, you want the whole thing. Stuff his pride and what people are going to say about him. "She left him and the kids for her cousin, and he knew about it all the time, even watched them having sex and was all ok with him... what a wuss, where's his balls."
Oh and your cousin. Sure he wants to have kids. His kids and yours together, one big happy, close family. A father of (you don't say how many kids you got) but lets say three, before his 21. Boy I'm sure he's gonna make his mother proud. She'll love to introduce as her new daughter-in-law-neice-thing. Your stealing his youth for your own sick fantasies. Dosen't matter though, soon you'll be old and ugly and he'll look around for someone else, dump you just like you dumped your old man when you got bored of him.
Honey you can love who you like, (who am I to say different) but I still think this is nasty.... If you ask me (and you did you know) you don't know the meaning of the word love... Ah well you'll probably won't stay with him either when it gets to much with the kids and all. I wish you lots of luck. Your gonna need it. But I don't think it's illegal to have sex with your cousin in the UK.
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female
reader, Aeval +, writes (19 May 2008):
 YUCK! YOur freaking realated!! YOur kids will come out deformed....more so than you!!
Stop and think about what you are doing, its illigal!!!!!
God I hope this kid is 21 and not 16,
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, yh i hear what you are both saying. I spoze if you look at it that way then i'm having my cake an eating it? I dont want a child with my cousin to prove i love him, i want a child with him because i no he wants kids, an so do i. I have told him that i want to be with him for the rest of my life (an my husband knows i want to be with my cousin aswell as him) so i dare say that one day that will mean kids for us? I have also made sure i have told my husband how much i love my cousin, an that he means as much to me as my husband dose. My husband accepts this, an he said "I don't mind you loving ya cousin, as long as you love me aswell?
Pls contact me if you would like to know more x.
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female
reader, nightstar +, writes (17 May 2008):
I say no too. It can hurt so many people. You don't need to have kids with a man to show that you love him. The cousin can act like a father to the kids you already have. It takes a village to raise a child. And if you have a child with the cousin. the village is going to be caused much disquiet.
Seems like you already have the best result from sleeping with your cousin already: your husband isn't angry. That is a blessing already.
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male
reader, Bladerade  +, writes (17 May 2008):
Wow. . .Okay. . .an answer to this one is going to be hard. Okay, so by the sounds of it, your husband is okay? with this. . . I guess. But you said that you have kids, what will that do to them? Their second cousin is going to give birth to their step-brother/sister. And well its going to be really hard for them, especially if you keep it from them and thell them years from now (Im not exactly sure how old your kids are but im going to say 5-15 so correct me if i'm wrong). Well. . .If you're going to have sex with your cousin. . .have at it I guess but don't have kids. And he is right to be worried about the effects on the child because of you two being related. Really, its all up to you but I say no.
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