A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This situation at home is making me so miserable I can't stand it anymore.Ok, I'm not a kid, but I can't move out of the house right now (I'll explain). I live in North Carolina with my mum and her adult son (who is a few years younger than me). I am not sure how to describe my relationship to him, he's this kid that came to live with us when I was about 4 but I don't consider him to be my brother. My parents have been divorced for a long time and my dad has completely detached himself and lives out in the sticks of South Carolina. I have been back home for two months now. I had been teaching English in Mexico for three years and hadn't seen my mum or anyone in my family for that time. Ok, this adult son of my mom's who lives with me is making my life a living hell and is making my life so horrible that I wish it were all a bad dream. My life is really hard and my ONE joy in life is singing. I played guitar in a band, but some bad things happened and two of my band mates bullied me and now my spirit is broken for playing the guitar. Singing is the only thing that makes me happy and I don't know if I'm any good, but my instructor and some friends think I'm REALLY good. Whatever... it's just that it brings me joy... I like to sing around the house... wherever. Well, my mom's adult son doesn't want me to sing AT ALL, WHENEVER he is at home. Anytime I do it at home, he does something to punish me and make my life a living hell... he'll explode like a freaking bomb, or when my mom gets home from work, he'll get alone with her and start complaining very hatefully about how I was being inconsiderate. Needless to say, things are very very tense at home. He has demanded that the house have EXTREME QUIET when he is home. No singing, no playing musical instruments, no talking above a whisper, and we have to tiptoe around on stocking feet on eggshells or risk another explosion. He's demanded basically all the prerogatives of a library, twenty four hours a day. I don't mean just at night, I mean around the clock, extreme quiet. I think he's jealous that I have a musical gift, or this is a control thing to try to bully me into leaving home. It breaks my heart to think of the toll it's taking on my mum and her health. I mean, all I DO is sing! It's not like I do it at 3 in the morning or anything. On top of all that, he can be inconsiderate and that's okay to do. He'll go to the kitchen, make a big smelly snack, and spread his newspaper out all over the counter and take three hours to eat it, and he gets pissed off when I enter the kitchen to get a soda. He can't just sit at a table to eat, he has to occupy the whole kitchen and throws a fit whenever I want to so much as grab a soda.Our house is full of roaches and stinks because his room is practically a biohazard, full of gross food crusted dishes. I do chores all day (I can't get a job). And what he is demanding is just unreasonable... library level silence at all times of the day. I mean I understand if they don't want me blasting Led Zeppelin at 3 in the morning. But he expects it to be quiet enough to hear a pin drop 24-7. I'm not allowed to live or breathe. What makes me sick is that he gets his way, because I know that if I piss him off he'll throw a fit and upset my mum! My mum has basically asked me to do whatever he wants just to keep the peace, and I have no rights here. NO singing, no talking, zip, I can only use the kitchen when he's NOT there. And I can't stand up to him and I can't do anything but just TAKE the bullying, because if I do stand up for myself, there will be a fight and then my mum will be upset. Also, we have a cat, and she is very nervous. The poor thing was abused as a baby (NOT by us... by its former owners) and fighting could affect her health. She seems to like music and comes to me and purrs when I play it for her. Whenever I have a fight with him, though, she gets stressed out and won't eat. I suffer from depression, and singing is the only thing that brings me joy. Most of my friends live far away, my last relationship was a disaster, my dog, which was like my baby, died over Christmas vacation while I was gone, my father doesn't want me, I want to play in a band but can't, and my home, which should be my safe haven, is a hell hole. I go to singing lessons once a week, but it's just like anything, you need to practice. I CAN'T move out right now, and it's not fair that he's trying to bully me out of my home. Furthermore, I returned home ONLY because I NEEDED my mom. I can't really digress into what happened, but in Mexico I went through some things that have psychologically scarred me... and the grief, and terror, and battle I suffered sent me spiraling into an abyss of depression and shredded my soul up, and I NEEDED my mom because of all these experiences. I have a few friends, whom I love dearly, and I have my cat, and I have my mum. But honestly? I am not happy in USA. I mean NO offense to other Americans, America is great, it's just been impossible for me to readjust. I'm a fish out of water and I would like to go to a NICE part of Mexico or to Spain or something but the thought of leaving my mom is heartbreaking. My mum works all the time and doesn't have the energy to do chores and she depends on me.He is too lazy to get a full time job and is home most of the time. I wish my dad would come and take him. My dad has a horse farm, and I LOVE horses and I would love a job taking care of them, but I don't wanna leave my mom and my dad won't let me near his horses. He doesn't think I'm smart enough to ride them or care for them. My mom's adult son doesn't really care for horses either. I'm worried sick about my mom, and I'm angry because he is getting his way by bullying and we have to do whatever he wants to keep the peace and avoid an explosion. I have become very depressed. I cry a lot. I love my mother and I am putting up with bullying for her sake, and for the pet, but it's making me angry that he's getting away with the bullying. This is my HOME. I don't mind doing chores for my mom, but ALL DAY and I never leave the house, and I can't sing or do anything. He's too lazy to mop a floor or dust a table, so MY WHOLE LIFE is doing chores while he gets a free ride and makes gross messes for me to clean up. I MISS being in a band, too, but I am trying to get over wanting one because no one would ever want to be in one with me and it wasn't meant for me. But I MISS playing electric guitar, I still have my guitar but of course I'm not allowed to play it and my spirit is broken after what happened in my band. I sing in a gospel choir but that's only twice a week.Oh my God, someone please help me, I can't take anymore of this!
View related questions:
bullied, christmas, depressed, divorce, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 What does it mean exactly " I can't get a job " ? Just that your attempt to secure one has not been successful so far, or that you CAN'T work, ever ? Are you on disability benefits, do you get a pension... ?
If not, i.e. if it's not a health issue- you just have to keep tryng. Again and again and again. You can't afford not to- you'll HAVE to work at some point. You can't think of being assisted by your mom for the rest of your life- if nothing else because your mom one day ( hopefully very very far in the future ) won't be here anymore.
If you get a job, you can move out. Maybe not on your own, maybe with flatmates- it still sounds like anyway you'd be better off than now.
Your first objective is to put yourself in a financial shape to move out, even if it's just a small rental bedroom in someone's house .
Don't be finicky, and do not get distracted with what you'd love to do, or what you are naturally inclined for. So you like horses and guitar or singing or speaking Spanish, great, and maybe in future you can look for opportunities in these fields, but, as of now, grab whatever is available, including house cleaning. You are cleaning house anyway now- only, you do it for free !
I feel that moving out is really the first step and your first goal. You have a lot of unfunfilled dreams and aspirations and wishes- having your own space will help you prioritize realistically, decide what's top of the list, what's actually obtainable and what needs to be transformed or released. But, first things first.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 September 2013):
 Hold on a second. You talk as if you have no control over your life. Not true and you know it. I'm a musician as well (keys)...not only could you pick up a really good effects processor for your guitar, but a set of headphones keeps it nice and quiet.
Also, you are how old and don't have a job? You mention not liking it here in America -- do you have citizen or legal resident status? If so, get yourself a job, or another band. You know how easy it is to audition -- where I live here isn't New York or L.A., but there are city papers here with pages upon pages of bands looking to audition singers and musicians. Guitar/Bass I see constantly as well as singers for pretty much every single genre known to man.
There was a time when I was in college and shortly afterward when I didn't have space and had a bunch of people where I lived, so playing and singing at the hours I wanted to were out, so I actually leased out a small space, set up my keyboard, my portable studio, a couple of mics, some sound dampeners, and that was my studio. Only cost me $205/month at the time. I didn't have to worry about hours or anything. I even set up a cot for when I needed the time there. You might consider something like that.
As for your mom's son, challenge him. If he touches you or hurts you, have the police arrest him. Get a voice recorder and record his tirades to turn him into his dad and show your mom. Again, you don't need to put up with a bully.
Other than that, you need to see someone for help. If you're in depression, that is serious. Talking to a therapist is a big deal, or you will be creatively paralyzed and miss out on the rest of your life.
...............................
|
