A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am engaged to a man that I have been dating for over 3 years. We have been engaged for 6 months and the wedding is fast approaching. I am finding myself very unhappy. We don't see each other very much because of his overly busy schedule and poor time management skills. I get overwhelmed and very lonely the more time that goes by in between our "visits". When we DO see each other, we are running around taking kids where the need to be. His phone calls to me only take place when he is in the car driving someplace, and of course, end when he arrives at his destination. The only things we talk about aren't really "things". They are more like laundry lists of what we have each done today. I don't like it. I love to have conversation about all kinds of things. It seems if we talk about a topic (other than I went to the gym then I went to the store, then I went to work, etc.) it seems we always end up in an argument. I feel like he cannot just have a discussion. It's like there has to be a "winner" and he has lots of trouble just accepting another persons point of view. Recently I told him that sometimes when I read a book that I really love, that when it ends sometimes I "miss" the characters. He went nuts! He raised his voice and started talking about how he doesn't understand that. How can you miss someone that's made up? That's not "real". What does he care? When I told him that I don't particularly understand why he can have a made up football team (fantasy football) and have pizza and beer get-togethers and listen to radio shows about this fake team, etc., but that it is an interest of HIS so who cares? I'm not his keeper. He can like what he likes without me liking it or even understanding it. It's like things are only OK if HE likes and understands them. He gets angry if I tell him I miss him. Recently he said "I put a goddamned ring on your finger, what else do you want?". He thinks I am childish and have no patience. I have PLENTY of patience and I am no child. I am a grown, well-adjusted woman that is smart and can be funny and if I put myself together, I think I can be pretty even. I work for myself and own my own home. I am a good mother with nice, well-adjusted and smart children, two of whom are out of the house and on their own. I try so hard to talk with him. To tell him that when I miss him I just want some reassurance or a kind word. I KNOW he can't be here in person when he's working. I respect him and his job and know he can't just come running. (interestingly enough, his previous girlfriend with whom he bought a home, used to call him often at work needing a ride home because she went out and got drunk. He would get out of work for THAT!) Anyway, yesterday when I was telling him that I just would like him to be a little bit gentle with me when I am feeling low, he said "I've tried that and I'm done being nice". My heart knows that I need to leave. I feel it in the center of my bones. But I'm scared. We're so deeply involved. My son talks about the way things will be after the wedding when we all move in together. My family knows none of this. They love him and think he's a great guy. If they knew the way he talks to me and treats me they would be ashamed of me! I've even tried to say to him, "try to talk with me the way you would if my father were standing here". But he cant. I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I have failed yet again in an attempt to have a nice normal relationship.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 March 2014):
 There is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, you just are seeing his true colors. Break off the engagement and show him what you wrote here. He's the one dropping the ball not you. If that doesn't give him a wake up call then you will have dodged a bullet. He sounds like a real pain in the butt to me. You go girl.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 March 2014):
 Don't think of the relationship's end in terms of "failing". Remember the real reason relationships (and engagements) exist - to help couples get to know each other.
You have found out things about him that aren't compatible with your life, and an emotional distance he has that frustrates you to no end, because that is the commonality that I see from your posts - that you crave emotional connection and he pushes you away. You've tried it with common interests, and you've tried it with crisis.
You're not compatible. It's not a failure to end the relationship. In fact, think of it as a failure to be true to yourself if you stay with him.
One word to you though - you need to be comfortable with yourself, and getting overwhelmed and lonely isn't a healthy state of being. A guy can't be your everything, and when you're not together, you need to be a complete person in your own right. Pining or a desperation to not be alone is way too much to ask in a relationship, unless he's not seeing you for months at a time. Even then, if that's happening, you need to end things too.
I miss characters in books I have read ever since I was little and read Where the Red Fern Grows. He doesn't understand it because he is not emotional. You need to find someone who is, and there are many guys who are.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 March 2014):
 Your submittal - with all its details about why your's and your B/F's "relationship" should NOT end up in marriage - is poignant, and telling....
YOU know that you and this guy are toxic.... You know that you and he should not marry. The only thing that you refuse to recognize seems to be, that you and he need to go your separate ways....
Which is the less-painful: Admitting this now; and enduring the "speed bump" in life which will result? OR, going through with the marriage and having to go through a tumultous break-up and divorce, later????
I think most of us would suggest the break-up, now...
Good luck...
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