A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for little under a year and we get along really well. There are two unfortunate issues that arise that cause all of our problems. These are two things that bug me and make me question how much she actually respects me and our relationship. However she gets really quiet, mad, and says she doesn't like to talk about it. I need to know if I am overreacting to the issues and how to talk about them with here so that we can actually resolve them.The first issue that causes tension is her job. She is a bartender, which I am fine with, but she works in a trashy establishment. It is the type of place that only hires female bartenders between the ages of 19-23 and asks them to dress sexy. It is a dive bar with no windows in it. She has quit this job once before but went back because she needed the money. She first started working the restaurant side and promised it would only be for a short time. Four months later she has switched back to the bar side and has not even tried to look for a new job. They ask bartenders to not have their boyfriends come into the bar, but I have visited a couple times when she said it was slow. The first time her manager talked about her breasts right in front of me. The second time, her boss asked her to change shirts behind the bar right in front of everybody. I have decided never to step foot in that bar again. I try to pretend she works somewhere else. However her job is eating away at any time we can spend together and it is getting thrown in my face in other ways. She skipped out on my birthday in order to work at the bar. I did not see her the entire week of my birthday. The bar also started posting things to each of their bartenders Facebook that I find extremely offensive to me, her, and our relationship. The post things like "Come on down and see how dirty (girlfriends's name) can get for you!" and "Let (girlfriend's name) give you the best head in town." I get the reference to beer but it still offends me. I do not think she understands why her work bothers me. Her friends do not go into her work anymore, and her father has told her he disapproves of where she works. Am I overreacting to this? She says job shouldn't matter. How can i try to make her understand my point of view?Secondly, it really bothers me that she smokes cigarettes. It did not bother me when we first started dating but it has started to annoy me very much. Since we started dating, I have developed serious health problems in my lungs. All the doctors I have been to have blamed my own smoking (quit when my health problems started) and the second hand smoke I was around while growing up. I have read up on the health issues caused by smoking and am thankful I do not have something even more serious. However, after seeing all the stuff i have done to try to recover my health and how hard i have tried to quit, she still smokes. I try not to preach to her about how bad smoking is because every smoker hears that. Instead i try to explain to her that each time she smokes, it makes me want a cigarette, and if i smoke more i will die young. I also say it is incredibly selfish to say you love someone and want to grow old with them, then do something proven to kill you. But she always argues about how i should let her make her own choices. Am i in the wrong? Am i being too controlling asking her to quit? Is that selfish of me?These two problems cause alot of tension in an otherwise fantastic relationship. Do i need to try to drop these or am I okay with my feelings? I am not sure i can continue in the relationship if she does not try to change these two things. Am i warranted to think that or am i overreacting?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 December 2013):
 If you find smoking offensive... then why did you ever take a "first date" with this girl? SHE isn't going to quit smoking on your behalf.... and the statistics "say" that she isn't going to quit smoking until she realizes what a dumb addiction it is... and that it will, ultimately, kill her..... ('Nuff said from THAT soapbox.)
As for her job, its location and other details.... SHE has chosen it... it is her source of income... and, frankly, it's not your place to pass judgement upon what she does... In fact, I was GOING to say, ".. as long as it's LEGAL"... but I don't think that even that is appropriate. She is an adult... and it's up to YOU to accept who she is, and what she does.... and NOT the other way around....
You really have given a thorough script for a guy who is spending time with a woman with whom he has only marginal compatibility.... and you need to address the sense in even continuing to be "B/F&G/F"...
Good luck.....
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 December 2013):
 You can ask her to quit, but basically demand it? No.
You were a smoker when you met her, she was a smoker and now that you quit - it's no longer OK for her to be a smoker?
However, you CAN ask & DEMAND that she doesn't smoke around you, which means when she is at your place she needs to go outside and smoke, whether she likes it or not. You had pretty strong motivation to quit and even she she loves you loads, she also have a stressful and obviously degrading job, so maybe the cigarettes give her a sense of relaxation.
My husband smoked since he was 13. When we married I told him smoking around me was a no go. And later smoking around the kids was DEFINITELY a no go. He knew I rather he didn't smoke. He didn't stop smoking, he just smoked outside. That was til he had a heart attack and doctors told him to quit. THEN he quit. Some habits die hard.
As for her job. I worked as a bartender in a nightclub and thankfully we were never treated like pieces of meat. Though the girls with the "sexier top" did without a doubt get better tips. How well is she getting tipped? How well is she paid there? Does she have any ambitions of doing something else? Why not help her reach or find her goals? Instead of trying to dictate what job she can have and not have?
Can you again DEMAND that she quits and find something else? No, not really. You can support her and help her look for something else, but right now the market is so crappy she might even FEEL lucky to have her job. You do not OWN her. You are her BF. The more you push for her to do AS YOU WANT her to do, the more you push her away and secondly make her feel like she is not "worthy" of you. Thirdly, she might STAY in her job just to prove a point.
Does SHE have a say in where you work? I bet you not.
If she quits, how is she going to pay her bills? Are YOU going to pay them? If you are then consider she MIGHT want to EARN her own money, not be her BF's charity case.
If you aren't sure you can continue with the relationship, then by all means end it. I DO think you are being controlling of her. Because you want her to quit the job, not because you feel SHE is being degraded but because it makes YOU feel insecure. And YOU want her to quit smoking because of YOUR health scare. I'm not sure you would have quit if SHE had been the one having a health scare and I'm PRETTY sure you wouldn't quit the job that pays you, JUST because SHE didn't like it.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 December 2013):
 about the bar - yeah, it would bother me a bit. but clearly they say not to bring boyfriends in for a reason. so it's kinda your fault that you went in and saw what you didn't want to see and heard what you didn't want to hear. it is a bit trashy. i wouldn't be thrilled about it if i were you, but if i loved someone, i would definitely find a way to look past it. it's just her job. it's how she pays the bills. try to keep that in mind. and definitely stay out of the bar. it can only bother you if you allow it to bother you. just think about it this way - she's manipulating all these other pathetic saps out of there money so she can come home to you.
about the smoking thing. just because you quit doesn't mean she has to quit. she will quit when she's ready to, just the same as you.
no body can tell you if these two things should or shouldn't matter. you're ultimately the only one who can say if they are deal breakers for you or not. personally, for me, i would be okay to deal with them. but they aren't my particular deal breakers. you're the only one who can decide this, regardless of what anyone else says. if they bother you that much and you know you can't get past it, then move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): She'll quit smoking when she's ready to. You know how hard it is to quit and she isn't motivated. If you can't deal, that's a deal-breaker then. As for her job, she apparently likes working there and tolerates how she's being treated. If you can't handle that, by all means, dump her. (Yes, I know, easier said than done). Good luck. Seriously. And no, you are not over-reacting at all.
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