A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 7 yrs isnt putting effort in anymore what should i do?*warning this is gonna be long i apologize and appreciate any feedback*thankyou* Ok heres the situation.. Ive been with my girlfriend for 7 years and also have a beautiful daughter to her.. basically the problem im having is that ive completely devoted and committed my life to her and the idea of keeping my family together as well as happy, unfortunately she doesnt seem to wanna commit.. most recently she has left me 2 times.. im trying really hard to do everything possible to make her happy.. ive actually made it my goal to make sure i tell her how beautiful she is each an every day as well as suggest getting some alone time to reaquaint ourselves with each other, and buy things to help her figure out how special she is to me.. weve kinda been back together(off/on) for about a month now and she still doesnt seem to have an interest in a date night.. in the months time shes gone out with friends atleast 3 times, 2 of which she stayed away all night and i stayed home with our daughter.. i have no problem staying home with my daughter i just feel that its her place as well to work on our family as i do.. dont get me wrong shes a wonderful mother but im her family too through our daughter and i believe she lets me out as if she has no real plans to stay with me.. i feel that if she would go out with me atleast once maybe we could strengthen our bond and work things out.. honestly im trying to hold on as much as possible but all the signs point to her leaving and me being able to do nothing about it.. ive tried to tell her how i feel and basically it makes no difference she just gets frustrated and gives up on me rather than to reassure me that she really wants to be with me.. im quite insecure over the whole situation, which i know doesnt help but its due to the fluctuation in how she treats me.. she says she has to force herself to be affectionate with me.. she also says shes unhappy and doesnt know why.. is that possible? ive suggested that maybe her birth control is causing her to be deppressed but shes reluctant to go without it to see if thats the case.. also ive suggested relationship counseling and shes reluctant for that too, she says she doesnt wanna spend the money for it so i told her id pay. what else can i do? my family is my life and coming from a broken home ive devoted myself to keeping my family together.. It seems like shes really unsure for the reason that she wants freedom.. i underestand wanting to have some freedom after all were only in our early 20s but we now have a family together and maybe im crazy but i think our family life should come first.. of course she puts our daughter first (though she chooses to spend more time away from her than i do)but i guess i feel disincluded from her plans for the future.. im probably just too old fashioned..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): Thanks again for all the responses theyre much appreciated..
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (23 November 2011):
 you are just way too easy and shes taken you for granted. u cant beg anyone,take some time for you, pick up a new hobby,spend time with friends..let her wonder what YOU do and why you dont run after her like a puppy.oh and stop fearing for divorce,its not the worst thing in the world. if ur daugther grows up in an environment where the mother isnt satisfied with her life it will have a worse impact on her.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (22 November 2011):
If you're too old fashioned OP, that makes two of us. I believe in commitment and I also believe in taking responsibility. By choosing to have this child she chose this life. I think she should also carry the responsibility that comes with caring for a child. Others have mentioned that with such a long relationship and a child of her own she hasn't had time to experience the free life of a teenager, but again, that was her choice, both of your choices. Seems to me you are the only one who is actively taking responsibility and being mature.
You have done all you could OP. I think perhaps it's time to take a step back and with that, withhold your love as well. You are showering her with attention and nice gestures and she does nothing with it. You easily take on caring for your daughter when she wants to go out. Since her behavior hasn't changed I think she may be taking your for granted.
So stop being so selfless for a while and make plans yourself with some friends so that she can take care of your daughter and you get to spend a few days elsewhere. Don't tell her she's beautiful every day. Be nice, but stop going out of your way to please her. Believe me, she'll notice the difference almost immediately. And like they say: "one does not realize the worth of something until they lose it." So let her feel that. As hard as it may be, let her take on the responsibility of taking care of a child. You say she's a great mom, but that you spend much more time with your daughter than she does. Well, time to turn that around.
If it doesn't work, talk to her. And don't back down. You honestly deserve someone better than this. This is so unfair. You have to make her realize that. She may not be in love with you any more. However, you two have a child together. She owes it to her daughter to figure out where to go from here.
Whatever you do, do not let her treat you like a doormat.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 I feel for you really I do, it is not fair that you should have to suffer while she makes up her mind on what she wants at life. If she is not willing to get help am afraid there is no way that you can force her. You are both only young, my guess is she feels that you both settled down to young and now she wants to just be young free and single to do as she wants and to enjoy her youth. It is just a shame that there is a baby involved in all of this.
I know that you say you don't want your child coming from a broken home because you have been there, but by the sounds of things if it does go that way your daughter will have the love of both of her parents. Which is great so at least she will not be missing out on a mother or a father.
You cannot force her to open up or to talk but you need to tell her straight out how you are feeling and ask her what she wants. Tell her you don't want to force her to be a family unit if that is not what she wants. I think you need a little space and fun as well. So you should also go out with mates and enjoy yourself every now and again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): Thats a tough one, im sorry to hear about this.It does sound like she is feeling quite cooped up in the relationship and seems to be looking for an outlet by going out with friends, and not committing to you.You are a genuine, loving guy by the sounds and its really nice to see you are trying to work on your family, and in keeping it together.Unfortunately you cannot make her stay, or love you or feel happy. But it does sound like she really needs to consider her daughter and your feelings and what she wants from the future.Have you ever sat her down officially (without your daughter around) and asked her what she wants? What she wants from her future, what she wants for her daughter, where she sees you fitting into her future?It may be that she has had her child and suddenly is stuck in this family situation where she has missed the going out with friends fun etc etc etc. It may be that she feels lost as you are focusing on your little family, and she has no goal to work on that she is passionate about (work? study? hobbies?).Of course Im just throwing out ideas here but it does sound like she is sincerely not happy with anything at the moment. How you fix it? I have no idea. But you need to be honest with her and ask her what she wants. If she isnt happy, it may be your acceptance that the family unit is ending, although i hope for your sake (and your daughters) that you girlfriend does come to realise what she needs and stays. You just need to be upfront with her and dont let her get out of discussing it. Be strong and seek some answers.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 November 2011):
 well dear one, if she won't help herself you can't help her. all you can do is protect yourself and your child.
I WAS married to a man like this... note the past tense.
I wish you luck you may WANT to make it work but BOTH of you have to want it to work or there is no way it will work.
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A
female
reader, softballbaby18 +, writes (22 November 2011):
Well coming from a womens perspective if you honestly love her as much as you say you do. Don't force her into something she obviously doesn't want. She doesn't stand up to you and say she doesn't want to be with you because she is most likely afraid of the outcome. Or that she will lose her daughter. You have done everything possible to try and make her happy . There's nothing coming from her. Either she has had enough. Or she has already moved on. You have a right to be happy more then anybody else in the relationship. You have done your share. Leave . Then maybe she will relize how much she is missing out on. Show her you can have fun too. She's wearing the pants in the relationship. Show her who is in control. Don't let her . Go out... have the time of your life. She will eventually figure it out. Good luck. You seem like a great person with a big heart. And she's just to blind to know that.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 ah.. early 20's.. and you've been together for 7yrs... She's lost her childhood, she's never had the chance to experience the freedom that most young people have. Many people feel like this when they get into a serious relationship so young. She probably feels like an old woman, there are no surprises left in life, just more of the same. Most young relationships/marriages breakdown just like this. It's because as we get older, we change and we want different things. Yes you have a kid, but even if she stays, she won't give you what you want. She's probably growing up now and becoming a woman, and wanting a different life from what she has.
Go back and talk to her - just ask her if she loves you and if you are going to make the relationship work or not, or if you should be prepared for her to leave.
Young love seldom lasts forever - unfortunately people change and grow up.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 November 2011):
Your a wonderfull guy, you sound great - but, it doesn't sound like this woman is in love with you. It's hard to leave a wonderful man, who tries so hard to please you. But - you can't force the heart to love, no matter how hard the other person tries. You can stay with a man if you have children, but it's hard to force yourself to give more than you feel.Yep, it could be the contraception, but usually that just stops sex. It doesn't stop you from going out and having a date with your man. I don't think it's the pill.You have been going out for 7years, so I assume she wasn't always like this. What changed, did she change after the baby, or was it before that. When did you start to notice that things were going wrong. What did she say the first time she left?I'm afraid, I don't think she can stay, she may want to be with you, you are kind, but she can't help the way she feels.
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (22 November 2011):
 No i felt the same way a few years ago.You are doin everything you can from your side she has to try herself . If she doesn,t unfortunatly you may end up going your seperate ways.If she insists on not spending any time with you, this will eventually tare you apart.
Can you confide in her parents. Staying out with friends twice in a month all night isn,t excessive. She feels she needs space. Why don,t you get some you time with your mates and focus on her so much!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): Hello, thanks for the feedback.. I got her a ring and We were engaged but she left me before we got married.. Unfortunately She isnt willing to take the steps necessary to rule out depression.. thankyou
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 November 2011):
It does not sound like she is as committed to the relationship as you are and sadly you can't make her love you or want to stay.
if you have offered to pay for counseling and she won't go, that's not a good sign.
if she's had a medical work up and ruled out any depression or medical problems, then I fear that it may be coming to the end of your relationship with her.
if you are that committed to her and have a child with her why didn't you marry her?
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