A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met my girlfriend 19 years ago. You might think that's a lot time for a woman to remain a girlfriend, but the primary reason I never married her is that we have not have had a sex life since about Year Two. I have told her several times that I love her, but that sex needs to be part of our relationship. I told her I do not plan on getting a divorce, so if she won't have sex with me then I refuse to marry her, because I will ultimately divorce or cheat on a woman who refuses sex. Still, she is unwilling to have sex with me.She thinks I am being very petty by refusing to marry her just because of sex when so much of our relationship is very good. However, sex is not something I take lightly. I was a virgin when I met her (she was not) and when I finally consented to sleep with her it was because I loved her. I know that in the past she slept with men she did not love. That fact infuriates me, because she claims to love me completely and yet she will not have sex. She was sexually abused at some point in her life (I don't know the details) but she claims that has no bearing on our relationship because she has had sex with plenty of other men (well, maybe six) before she met me. Truthfully, I am ready to throw in the towel here. I am sexually frustrated, I feel unloved and unattractive, and I feel like I wasted most of my life with her and her issues. However, I still do love her very deeply. I just feel like even IF we have a sex life again (questionable), I may not be able to forgive her for wasting our sexual primes. We are both slipping into our 40's now.Just last night I tried to talk to her about this (after trying to initiate sex for about the 2000th time with a negative reaction) and she told me: "I don't want to talk to you about this. I want to talk to a therapist."We have agreed to go to therapy as soon as we can find one, but for her to have this response to me after 19 years crushes me. I am heartbroken. I don't really want to hit the dating scene again at age 39. I want the women I fell in love with, a woman who was sensual and sexual, and who I felt loved me with every cell of her body. I am not sure who this woman is who looks like that woman, but she seems very cruel.She says that I have every right to leave her and that if I do she will probably be suicidal because I am the love of her life. She says that she is all alone except for me, she loves me, and she feels we are meant to be together. She doesn't understand why the lack of sex is that big of a deal. She has even hinted that she might consider allowing me a mistress if it's just about keeping me sexually satisfied. I am not interested in this. I want her and I want her to want me. I am strongly considering leaving to find a woman who treats me better. However, I do love her very deeply. The other day I sat in my office at work with the door closed and just cried for about an hour straight. I am so torn!
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male
reader, CeltiBill  +, writes (8 July 2013):
You need to set an ultimatum and stick to it. Offer her xx months (set your own time limit) and if things haven't improve by then, amicably split up.
This is soooo much easier than continuing on and waiting for an explosion to occur with a total loss of dignity for everyone.
Give yourselves the opportunity to improve but also to remain respectful of one another if it doesn't work out.
Be completely honest with her about everything.
Although single life is hard you must not fear it. Your biggest risk here is to continue with the status quo because that is guaranteed to be bad.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011):
OP here:
Oh yes, there was one other suggestion she made when we were together for 3 years (1 year after the sex stopped). She suggested that maybe she needed to sleep with another man to ignite her libido and then carry that over into our bedroom. I was livid that she would even suggest that and she never brought it up again.
I don't know what she was thinking or where she got that idea from. I have read that this often means she is having an affair already, but I do not believe that to be true in this case. I think she was just thinking of ways to turn herself on and sex with a new partner is obviously a way to get turned on, but it is not helpful in the context of our relationship (and I told her so.)
I was especially resentful of that suggestion given that she was the one who was sexually experienced and yet it was she who felt she like she was trapped in a relationship and that sex with other men might solve her problem. I never felt like I was missing out on sex with other women despite she was my one and only.
I told her that if bad sex was the issue then we could work on that, but she wasn't interested. She said sex with me was worse than some and better than others.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011):
OP here:
YouWish,
"She doesn't want to give you sex until she has the security of your affection and commitment, and you don't want to give her the security of your affection and commitment until she gives you sex."
Don't you think that being with her 19 years is an adequate statement of my willingness to commit to her? And in all that time she couldn't even bring herself to have sex with me once per year or something? In my mind, I am meeting her halfway and she is being unreasonable. I would have married her in a minute if she just admitted that our lack of sex is dysfunctional and *tried* to work on our sex life, but she doesn't see it as dysfunctional at all. She just sees me as wanting something from her. She doesn't understand how rejected I feel by her. It's tough to make advances and constantly be turned away.
She did tell me once: "If you marry me, then maybe we will have a sex life again." That's not a risk I was willing to take given her lack of effort on this. I have read a lot of books, posted on a lot of forums such as this, talked to friends about it, and done all of those trite and cliche things people suggest (cooking for her, massaging her, romantic trips, taking her shopping, complimenting her, making sure the house is clean - I do more chores than she does - and so on).
All I need her to do is turn to me and say: "I know you miss having sex. It's hard for me, too. Here's maybe something we can do to get back some of the passion." I have told her this (MANY TIMES) and the response I get varies from "I don't know what to suggest" to "Why is this such an issue for you?" to "I will make more of an effort" and NOTHING CHANGES. I am out of ideas! She is the one withholding, so she needs to supply some ideas other than me marrying her because THAT ONE will not happen until I feel like I won't be trapped in a sexless marriage!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011):
OP here:
Cindy,
The problem has not been dormant. She has just refused to recognize it as a really serious problem. We have talked a lot about it now and again, but it never lead anywhere - not even to a short-term resolution (i.e., she never once even considered having sex with me). I have not been okay with this. It's just that I am finally at the end of my rope. If you asked how long I can go without sex I guess my answer is "17 years, but not 18 years." Truthfully, I prefer not to go even a week without it. I did not cheat, although I came close once. I used pornography to help me stay sane. I think what spawned this is that my girlfriend always told me she had to be married by age 40. Well, she turned 40 last year and I really wanted to make her happy and marry her before then. I reminded her about 9 months before her birthday that we needed to start having sex or that "deadline" would pass. We had a few big fights about her refusal (with her thinking sex was a trivial negotiating point), but in the end we never had sex and she never tried to work on it. She didn't read any books, she didn't suggest therapy, and she basically continued like it was business as usual with us despite us taking two romantic trips: one to Maine and one to New Mexico. I just wanted her to TRY, but for example I ended up taking a candlelit bubble bath in the jacuzzi tub in our beautiful suite alone while she watched TV in bed. So because of this I let her birthday come and pass. The reality is that I will be 39 soon myself and I have made a promise to myself that if I hit 40 and we still have the status quo then I am out. Otherwise, she will never take this seriously. I have started to hint at this and it really upsets her, but I feel I have given her 17 years of chances. We will go to therapy and give this one last chance, but part of me feels like I will never be able to forgive her, I will always hold it against her, and I will continue to resent her for what she has put me through. I jokingly told her the other day that by the time she feels ready to have sex again I won't even be able to get it up anymore. Truthfully, I get scared that one of us will get sick or something terrible will happen and we will both really regret not having sex while we were young, when our bodies were more perfect, and we could have enjoyed ourselves much more. I even told her I would be happy with the state of things if I was 68, but I am 38 and I have not had sex since I was 22.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 There's something I don't understand. You say ( reasonably ) that sexual deprivation would lead you inevitably to divorce or cheating. Now, 17 years it's a lot of deprivation to me, you could not divorce her since you aren't married, but, did you cheat on her ? All this time ? If not, how did you come to accept 17 years of a totally non sexual relationship ? How come the issue has become urgent now, and not after 2 or 5 or 7 years ?...
I am not criticizing, just very curious to understand the logic here, how come you could adjust to no sex for 17 years and now, all of a sudden, you want her to change overnight and solve a problem which has been left dormant for ages.
Anyway, just to be practical, since you so obviously love this woman , it does not make much sense to throw the towel now that she has accepted to see a therapist. You have been waiting so long, wait some 6 or 12 months more to see if , with the help of therapy, there is any progress.
Only in lack of any positive result, THEN it's time to give up for good, knowing that at least you -and her- did all what you could.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 July 2011):
 You say that you met your girlfriend 19 years ago, but that the primary reason you didn't marry her is because she hasn't had sex with you since year 2 Why have you stayed with her for 17 more years if sex is as important as you say it is to you? You obviously refused to marry her on account of the sex. Why didn't you leave her to find someone more sexually compatible that you could, in fact, marry?
It's not just her that needs a therapist, it's both of you. You might not want to believe this, but both of you have severe issues in withholding. She withholds sex, and you withhold yourself. You're both caught in a vicious circle. She doesn't want to give you sex until she has the security of your affection and commitment, and you don't want to give her the security of your affection and commitment until she gives you sex. And yet you both have stayed together for 17 years since the issue started.
I think it is very valid that sex be important in a good healthy relationship unless BOTH have agreed that it isn't so important, and there are the rare couples who have decided that. However, if you both are sexually incompatible, and you rate that as the number one issue that keeps you from marrying her, then you're wasting your time with her.
After 19 years, it really does not matter how many other guys she's been with before you. None of us are quite the same person we were 19 years ago, so this is a complete non-issue. The real issue is figuring out why she stopped having sex with you. It's interesting your wording on having been a virgin, that you "consented" to have sex with her. That is a weird way to put it if you ask me, especially if your compaint is that she won't "consent" to having it with you now.
I wouldn't blame this on past abuse or her past experience. I'd blame it on the perfect storm of both of your dysfunctions, plus the fact that both of you are too stubborn to really go to a therapist together and separate and find out where the relationship broke down. When a woman stops having sex after two years, and it's not a medical issue or clinical depression, it's because she's given up.
She's right, you know. She should be talking to a therapist, and so should you. There is a weird vibe here, and you're reeling because of what you perceive as cruelty, and she's most likely reeling because of what she perceives as your cruelty (trust me...any man who holds up marriage like a carrot for 17 years on account of how much sex I give him would be considered cruel. I'd be out of there a lot sooner.) You both have gotten yourselves into one tangled emotional mess filled with neglect and baggage.
But, I'll give it to both of you. You're tenacious enough to stick together for 19 years. Take that tenacity and devote it to some serious, high-powered mutual and individual therapy, and there might actually be hope! She's willing. Are you?
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A
female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (5 July 2011):
Apart from saying not having sex isnt a big deal does she say why she doesnt want to have sex?
There might be some very serious issues here because youve said she used to be sexual and all of a sudden stopped.
She loves you very much but cant give you what you desire most? Reaching the extent of suggesting a mistress tells me something is out of place.
Before you dump her, go to the therapist with her and hear what she has to say coz she might be having serious problems.
Could it be that memories of the abuse resurfaced? I dont know but it sounds to me like she is in serious trouble. 17years is a long time to be denied sex, yet now is not the time to leave her but to get help.
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