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My girlfriend liked sex with her ex better because he was "larger". How do a I deal with this?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2011) 16 Answers - (Newest, 17 August 2014)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I know a lot of people on this board are tired of the never-ending penis size questions, but please bear with me. The answers to most questions are "it's how you use it" and "women don't care about size", etc. But, what if you're in a situation where your girlfriend's ex was much larger than you, and you know she did like it better with him because of that? How do you deal with that?

I've been going out with my girlfriend about a year. A few months ago, she left her computer on and she wss still logged in to her email account. I couldn't resist the temptation to read her old emails, and I found several between her an her ex bf in which she told him how much she loved having him ram his huge ____ in her wet ____.

I know I shouldn't have read the emails, of course, but now that I have, I have to deal with it. I've talked to my gf about her ex, and she's basically said she did like that about him better than me, but that's all he had. From what I know, it sounds like he was a complete loser and he treated her like crap, but she was so addicted to the sex with him that she stayed with him for quite awhile. In so many words, she tells me she likes me much better than him in every way except sex. I do whatever I can to make the sex good in terms of oral, foreplay, mood, etc. Still, it's hard for me to accept that she loved it with him because of that, and I'll never be able to measure up in that way.

How do you deal with a situation in which you know your gf actually does like a larger penis better?

View related questions: foreplay, her ex, penis size

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A male reader, RaceCarrington Canada +, writes (17 August 2014):

RaceCarrington agony auntI had this problem we both had a few drinks and we were talking about ex's but nothing about sex but on the subject of her last boyfriend she just blurted out he had a really big cock sex has never felt that good since. So how's that supposed to make me feel. She didn't say he was a jerk she didn't say anything about me at all, she just went on about how she measured him and told me his size and yes he was way bigger than me :/ then I got thinking that she is not the best I ever had the first thing she said to me was I don't give bj's ive had girlfriends rushing with me into the house so they can pull down my pants and give me a bj. She will never get on top during sex. She said once that she was too lazy and laughed. Why can't she get on top and get her own dam orgasm for a change like I do. You don't read much about guys complaining about women online probably because women will hate you. Anyway I didn't tell her that she wasn't that good in bed because she would have burst out in tears. So I just left it at me being the inadequate one

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A female reader, jessie boo United States +, writes (15 November 2012):

I my self am a woman that has dealt with this i too had an ex that was packing a large load. anyway i had difficulty enjoying the sex with my newer boyfriend and believe me its frustrating the feeling isn't there anymore... and I've broken down crying over it and got pissed of to the point where I've thought "should i even have sex anymore since its not gonna feel the same" so my recommendation, which i think is logical instead of trying to make the woman take what she see's cause that's not an answer nor a resolved issue. MALE ENHANCEMENT there's plenty that do work yes i know some are scams that's why you have to research and there are natural ways of having this done and permanently. or you could go under surgery but not guaranteeing anything there. look its the best option its just gonna get worse if a man sits there and does nothing. yes love is the most important part of everything in the relationship but making love is a big part too... and if your lady doesn't feel like she's feeling love from sex well she'll most likely make a decision to leave. or at least think about it. i know cause i did personally. just because of the little guy downstairs.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011):

I can totally sympathise, because the same thing happened to me. I started dating a girl about 18 months ago, and right off we were very sexually open about our pasts, only I was a bit more inquisitive. I asked her how many partners, etc, and the size thing came up. She told me XXXX was the biggest by far, but gave me lots of negatives to cover it up, like "there is such a thing as too big" and "it felt like a watermelon going up there". However, I was sharing a computer with her several months later, and found an Email she wrote to her GF about a year before we hooked up. In it, her GF and her were comparing notes on their huge BF's and my GF ranted about how she loved how XXXX "filled her completely" and "he's spoiled me for all other men". Devastating, considering I also had evidence she cheated on me with him early in our relationship (found out later it was bunk). I asked waaay too many questions...found out he was "8 or 9" inches, which is a fair bit bigger than my average willie, and figured it may even be bigger with how she always downplayed this guy. I obsessed over it for months, and in fact, a Google search on penis size is what led me to Dear Cupid.

Since then, I have gotten mounds of help from DC, read other numerous posts on penis size, even saw a hypnotherapist to try to coax me out of this "bigger ex" complex. WHat finally got me over it is my GF. I began to listen to her and observe her actions, and soon realized she simply loved my cock. She couldn't get enough of me, and still cant...because this other guy was a lousy, selfish lover, whereas I tend to her and love her and pleasure her like no other man. She has told me I am the only man to bring her to orgasm. Sure, I will always wonder if he was better in some ways because he reached her more deeply on a physical level...but I have reached her more deeply on an emotional level. ANd the sex is great what if he was better in some ways.

As others have said, it is the package deal. THe momentary pleasure or difference in sensation from a larger penis is not a world changing thing for most women. I have had many non-sexual female friends over the years who have been very open to me about their sex life (I'm just a guy women feel comfortable confiding in for some reason), and let me tell you...big cocks are a temporary fascination for most. It is great convo around a table of friends with beers or cosmos. But in the sack, women prefer a lover over a fuck most of the time. And the size thing isn't a big deal unless you are less than 4 inches or over 9...this is what I've been told by women who never saw my cock, plus oodles of women here on DC.

So stop obsessing. Work on the confidence at all cost, trust her love for you, and try hard to be the best lover you can. Here are some helpful sayings from DC that helped me:

"THe biggest sex organ is your brain"

"Lesbians have fabulous sex with NO penis"

"Most guys who have big dicks think all they have to do is flaunt it"

"girth is more important than length" (fortunatley, I'm OK width-wise).

"It's the package deal that women love"

"if a woman wants to have sex with you, she's already accepted the size of your penis"

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011):

Sorry OP, but I think you're just rationalizing away the truth now.

If that other guy's big dick was really "all he had" then she obviously found it pretty persuasive to be staying with him over it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011):

OP here. Thanks for the responses. I think the Aunts who wondered if I might have been interpreting what she said wrong due to insecurity might be right.

Right after I read the emails, I talked to her briefly about it and apologized for having read them. I've tried to avoid the topic since then, but I found myself thinking about it the other day and she asked me what was on my mind. I decided to just be honest and say I was thinking about her ex ramming his huge ___ in her ___ and her loving it. She said "it" wasn't important to her, and she liked me better because of personality, looks, career, etc. I said "you must have really liked his ___ to stay with him if he didn't have anything else", and her response was "yea, but that's all he had." She never actually said she liked his huge ___ better, or that she liked sex with him better, but that was my impression based on the fact that of all the things she said she liked about me, she didn't list sex or my (fairly average) unit.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011):

If she stayed with a jerk that was treating her like shit just because he had a big penis then I wouldn't want to date her in the first place. Its a total lack of self respect to date someone who is mistreating you just because of good sex.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011):

First off, why is your girlfriend talking to her ex like that while she is with you? Sounds like this is more of a cheating thing going on rather than a penis size question. Anyways let me break it down for you sweetheart. Your girl is very insensitive for saying that she liked sex with him better. Most men obsess over the size of their manhood and if a girl mentions anything remotely negative about it, it will really hit them where it hurts. My fiance is not the biggest I've ever had but I absolutely love his penis. You want to know why? Because I love him period! It's a package deal! Yeah so what if I've had bigger penises in the past or if any of my exes were better, I love my fiance and his body and I remind him of this everyday, which is what your girlfriend should be doing!

Shame on her for making you feel this way! You should return the favor and tell her that your ex girlfriend was too tight and had bigger boobs. See how she feels about that one! Keep us posted!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (14 April 2011):

chigirl agony auntShame on you for snooping, but to get to the case: sex isn't what makes a good relationship. Good sex comes with communication, experience, love for each other, being a passionate lover etc etc. It is about how you use it, not the size of it. She liked his penis, well so what. She likes a ton of things about you more than she did with him. Kinda makes up for it, doesn't it? Sex is important, but it's not everything.

Not to knock you down even further, but so what if sex with her ex was a tiny bit better than sex with you? It's different styles of sex first off, so not directly comparable, and she ENJOYS sex with you. It's not like you are bad in bed right? Take it from me, a great relationship with good sex is by far better than a crappy relationship with mind blowing sex. Not even sure if she thinks of her ex's sex as mind blowing, but just to make you understand my point. A relationship is more than sex!

Besides, you can work at it if you absolutely want to be the best she ever had in bed. But I do not see the point in trying to claim such a status. You want to be the best boyfriend she ever had, you don't want to be known as the best lover she had and nothing else. In addition, once the love between you and her grows deeper, sex will be more about connecting at an emotional level, and not purely sexual pleasure. Sex and emotion will be interconnected, meaning the best sex will be with the one she loves the most and loves her back the most. It's called making love, and no matter penis size, unless you truly love someone you can not make love.

Trust me.. she prefers you.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (14 April 2011):

Miamine agony auntHow do you deal with a situation in which you know your gf actually does like a larger penis better?

Sigh.. it's how you move it.. we are not lying about that.

Sure, for some women big penis that slams in, that's good. But you can't do that... so try smaller penis that touches all the right places, that's something the big penis can't do. Try variety in your thrusts, try moving in corkscrew fashion, try to be more adventurous. Think about blindfolds. (what you can't see, feels bigger)

He was bigger, he used to slam... sigh.. so what... I doubt he did everything in the book, you got time, use imagination and practice things he may have missed.

PS: Not only with penis, but touches, voice, toys, other things that may be new to her and give you both new memories.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 April 2011):

Honeypie agony auntYou went through OLD e-mails from before she met and dated you? Correct?

If so, she isn't comparing. She was talking dirty to her old BF. Could be he is 3 inches and she was pumping up his ego with a dirty email.. Could be he's hung like a horse.

Either way, if she RAHTER have Mr. Hunglikeahorse, she would BE with Mr. Hunglikeahorse.

Stop comparing yourself to him. It will do you no good.

Do you compare Her to your ex?

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A female reader, Love Mama Canada +, writes (14 April 2011):

Love Mama agony auntDear Mr. Vienna Sausage,

Think about it. If your girl wanted to be with Mr. King Dong, then she would have stayed with him! Obviously she thinks he's not the complete package! YOU ARE! Now get over it or your gonna mess things up.

Love Mama


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A male reader, serenity80 United Kingdom +, writes (14 April 2011):

I had an ex-girlfriend, probably 5 years ago now and I remember she made what she thought was an innocent comment "I hated having sex with my last boyfriend because his dick was so big it hurt" and that comment really stayed with me! I didn't really have any reason to feel insecure as I'm happy with my length and girth... but like I say, it's been 5 years and every now and again I'll remember that comment!

I guess I'm saying no guy (well, not many) like to actually hear details of their girlfriend being fucked by some other guy, especially if he has some enormous cock, or we think he does.

Now you have that information though you're just going to have to deal with it, coz there isn't anything that is going to change what's been said.

What's more important is to concentrate on the love in your relationship, and that you do make your girlfriend happy in bed. I'm sure she doesn't think about the past with this other guy.. so it's just something you are going to have to get over. It's basically your own insecurity and the only way you can get over that is to becoming more confident about yourself.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (14 April 2011):

eyeswideopen agony auntDid your girlfriend ACTUALLY say she liked having sex with that guy MORE than she likes having sex with you??? Because for most women there is so much more involved with good sex than just the act itself. If you do not satisfy her then you need to get another girlfriend. But I'm thinking that she really does enjoy the sex she has with you much more than what she had with big dick(head) and that you are just feeling insecure. So I guess what you really need to ascertain is whether she's happier in the sack with you or she is just settling for it.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 April 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt Answering penis questions is a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it :)

So , how do you deal wth such a situation ?

- First, you check that your paranoia does not lead you to misinterpret her words, adding them shades they weren't meant to have. "Basically " saying something is not like textually saying something. I don't know why, but I suspect that you are more making your own inferences than quoting her words verbatim.

- But suppose she did confirm that yes, I liked sex with him better because his penis was bigger than yours. How do you deal with that ?... The same way that if she had had an ex who is taller than you. Or richer. More educated, more successful.

Or,who drove a Porsche while you drive a Toyota. Who could play

beautifully the piano, while you can't even whistle.

You realize that she is with YOU, because she wants YOU. She has not gone back to the ex, and she does not miss him. She prefers YOU. And that means she must like you a lot , because she still prefers you even in lack of a big penis ( or a Porsche - a Steinway piano etc.)

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A male reader, macdubh712 United States +, writes (14 April 2011):

Well pal, this is where us men have to get a can of man and realize that our piece of equipment is one that came without a return/exchange policy.

You also have to realize that she is with you, you treat her well, and she comes home to you. You're right, you probably should not have went into her e-mail but you did and the damage was done so no use to sit and say "man, I shouldn't have done that..." You also ventured into "that territory" asking questions and you got what you asked for there.

In the movie Titanic, the older version of Rose said that a woman's heart is an ocean of secrets; this is probably a topic that should remain in that ocean from now on or until you KNOW that you are ready to hear something like this. But even if you get to that point, does it matter in the scheme of things? He treated her bad and if all he gave her was good sex then his entire game is thinner than a playing card and you apparently have a lot more to offer her.

Now, if she were to use this knowledge that you now possess against you, as in to hurt your feelings....she would get ONE chance to make that right. Likewise, if you discover that she is being unfaithful to you with him (or anyone else) then you need to get rid of her.

Good luck just have to try to get past this as long as all other circumstances are kosher. Just realize the good you have with her and realize that your good, as a whole, outweighs their's by so much.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011):

In my humble opinion bud, youre with the wrong girl. Yeah she stated thats all he had but if she stayed with him only for sex what does that say about her confidence? and if shes comparing you to him in that way then thats a flag this woman only likes to screw and nothing more. She just likes the attention you may be giving her. Has she shown any appreciation for ur actions towards her personality? What other aspects of your relationship as she shown she likes? If shes given you little feedback about such things, Id say its time to end this and move on. Best on this!

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