A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I'm 30 and my girlfriend is 23, we live in different far countries, we've had plans of her coming over to stay with me on December, and getting married around next February, we've even managed her a job over here, and everything was working out perfectly, we both love each other, understanding, loyal, I truly trust her...etcShe's a friend of one of my friends, and she's been over for a vacation, she's extended her vacation to stay longer with me, she went back, then she came over again for a visit, almost for 45 days, that's a brief about how have we met and how things been growing up between us...Two weeks ago, she was getting sick, she's even stayed at the hospital for 3 nights, then she back to home as she was getting better, a couple days later, she kinda relapsed, so she went to see the doctors again to work out a blood test.Since that, she said the doctors found out she's sick, a pretty big medical deal, and she completely refuses to tell me what is it!!Then, she started to say she can't have me in her life anymore, or at this time of her life anymore, and that she doesn't worth me waiting on her, and she has to deal with her life alone!!She still talk to me everyday, texting, skyping, and phone...She's always in a meltdown, and she always cries when I just bring up our plans and that I'd never give up on us and our relationship!I think she's trying to sacrifice, and she always says I deserve a better life with someone else!She never wants to tell me what the doctors have found out, and she ALWAYS says (I love you), (You're the best), (I'd never forget you), (Please, be strong), (Please, never regret meeting me or falling for me)...This is really driving me crazy, breaking my heart down, I don't know what should I do, how could I help her if she needs help!Any advice?!Feel free to ask for clarifications, explanations if any of the above didn't make sense!Thanks in advance!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Not to be contentious, but why would you think that growing up in the States , in time makes you American " of course ". There's nothing less " of course ", in my expat community there were loads of people residing with their families in USA since over 25 years , regularly and legally, and still on a visa. They had , for various reasons, chosen NOT to apply for citizenship, or they had not bothered because when you have certain types of visa in practice makes no differnce ,etc.etc. . Citizenship does not come authomatically just because you live there. Just saying. ( And just in case this mysterious girl had fibbed aout her nationality too ).
Anyway - her story makes no sense, and puts you in a very akward, very painful position. With all the compassion that she may deserve, or feels she deserves, for whatever predicament she is in, this is totally unfair to you, now you can't either have a proper reltionship , nor say " game over " and move on.
I'd do as Tisha - 1 - I would go there in person, and I would and I'd turn everything upside down until I were satisfied that I have been all the truth nothing ut the truth.
Oh and since you say that her family does not want you as her husband- I was thinking that maybe she eventually realized she can't go against their will or accepted some arranged marriaged or something ( yes, they do that in USA too, according to culture and ethnicity ) and she is tryng to disentangle herself from her committment to you in what, in her mind , is a soft way. Anyway, better go check in persin if you can- or else, just forget about it all and go on with your life.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Either she's a massive flake, or she has a brain tumor that is messing with her logic and rational self, but I think she's just doing a really bad job of breaking up with you. She's created a fairy tale, for whatever bizarre reason, so that she can feel better after breaking up with you.
I mean, you are her fiance and she won't divulge her medical situation? That sounds extremely fishy. Hence the scam concerns. As you have spent 9 months together in real life then you have a real connection.
If you are this concerned for her and want to find out what's going on, get on a plane and go see her for a week. You'll at least get more of the story. You will more than likely find out some uncomfortable truths about her and her situation but you won't be stuck in this odd limbo she's put you in. That you have put yourself in.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 September 2013):
I don't know why but I smell something scammish too.
A friend of mine unluckily just has been found having a relapse of her cancer. This his the third relapse, and this time the doctors made no mistery that it's very difficult she will wing it.
My friend is a mother of two, and yet she is not stirring up a quarter, what am I saying , - not even a 10% of the drama your gf is stirring up.
Supposing that she had a terminal illness ( let's hope not, poor girl, better for her anyway being a healthy scammer than a real terminal patient ) what kind of engagement, what kind of relationship is yours that she can't tell you the name of her illness ?! " She is not ready to tell you "... you are engaged to marry soon for Pete's sake, you are rowing the same boat , supposedly, it's not a time for " right to privacy " bullshit ! You are supposed to be her future husbabd, you have the RIGHT to know what's going on !
I could understand that , diagnosed with a terminal or very serious illness, she'd had made the brave decision of not " weighing down " your life , and giving you your freedom back ( Although, that would be a injust, unilateral decision, made without any regard foe what the partner actually prefers ). Then, " Dear John " letter, end of story and end of the relationship. What's the sense and the point to keep tormenting you with constant attention, just to let you know that you CAN'T be together ?
All in all, fishy story, something amiss here. Btw, I see as , if not a red light, a pink light too, that she had no problems in extending a short vacation to 6 months - who was paying ? did not she have a job or a school or... to go back to ? Did she burn all her savings to stay with you, or- she mooched off you for 6 months ? And why do you first say that she staid 45 days at the second visit, then it became 3 months '..
Strange story. Either she does not say the whole truth, or you don't , or both.
If everything is just exactly as you stated, you need to be very prudent, and to be very firm too. Either she fully discloses the truth about her health conditions, then you can decide together what's best to do- or, she keeps the secret and you STOP any contact.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Maybe she has been told she has a terminal illness or something chronic that is going to impact the quality of her life and maybe she's trying to deal with that in her own head and also trying to remain in contact with you, but it's coming out in mixed messages.
She probably does want to be with you but is maybe worried that her illness will put you off.
It depends what the illness is but she's obviously not ready to tell you what it is.
Keep the contact and try to remain calm, don't push her for answers but just let her know you are still with her.
If she's in melt down, it suggests she is trying to come to terms with something.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): Here's a totally different viewpoint:
What if she found out she is HIV+? Could that explain her hiding her blood test results? From being "sick"? She is sacrificing you, wishing you a good life, you deserve better, etc. so is it something like that? She doesn't want to complicate your life? Or if not HIV, something similar she wants to deal with alone and not bring you into it.
Tell her you have a right to know, you were both intimate and it could affect you too?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy friend was grown up in the U.S since she was a kid, and she's an American now of course.
Sorry for not mentioning this, but she was on a 45 days visit, then she extended her visit for another 45.
She's always paid for the tickets and everything on her own.
Nope, I never met her parents yet, but have phoned, skyped her mother many times, her father has passed away years ago, her family doesn't accept us as a couple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): I'm going to go out on a limb here and say maybe she does genuinely have a terminal illness and doesn't have long left. In her shoes, one would understandably be unhappy and not want to tie you down if she isn't going to be around for much longer. You could go and visit her and talk about it face to face. If you were about to get married then this isn't asking too much of you. She either really needs you right now or she really doesn't want you in her life anymore. Either way, the best way to end this torture of 'I love you but I can't be with you' visit her and see for yourself what's going on. I'd advise you to stay in a hotel and not rely on her provide you with anything since she might not even want to see you when you get there.Good luck, you sound like a good person.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 She's not trying to end the relationship if she's still communicating with you. Reread everything and see if this comes across strange. She had known your friend since she was 11. This is only possible if your friend is also American but had moved to the UK. She was on vacation so you were fully supporting her at that time. So was it almost 45 days or was it 3 months? Who paid for the plane tickets back and forth? Have you met her parents? What was she doing all that time while you were at work?
She won't blatantly ask for help because that would make you suspect her motives.
Reverse psychology works to trigger sympathy and guilt. When someone says this can't work, you are prompt to make it work and refuse defeat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionApparently,I haven't explained it well...she's a friend of my best friend, who have known her for more than 12 years,she's an American, and we got to meet up when she was on a vacation in my country,then we fell for each other, she got to extend her visa...etc, and she stayed over, this has been during January-June 2012, she moved back to the U.S then she came over for a visit on February 2013, and she stayed for more than 3 months...So, we've spent more than 9 months together in real life...and yes, we've already begun a sexual relationship...Why would it be a scam if she's trying to end the relationship, or to postpone plans at least?! it'd have been more reasonable if she didn't and asked for help instead...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 September 2013):
I know it is a hard thing to accept, and you might wonder what if this is really true and she's not cooking up some story to let you down gently? Then you would be a jerk to just leave her alone suffering, and she wonders how can someone be so cruel.
I have attached a page so you know that this actually happens a lot to unsuspecting caring people all over the world. It's too close of a coincidence that this is after you prepared for the future and that you had fallen for her.
http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/financial_scams/financial_scams_4554.html
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2013):
I think your long distance girlfriend has come up with a very dramatic way to end the relationship.
I would assume it's over and mourn the end of the relationship.
Do not send her money, this may be a love scam.
Sorry it's not working out the way you hoped but your future plans are clearly not going to happen.
Please describe how you came to meet and how much time you spent together in real life, thanks.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 September 2013):
Can I ask what countries you both originate from? and have you begun a sexual relationship yet?
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