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My husband of 9 years cheated for numerous times. How can I get over this?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 September 2013) 10 Answers - (Newest, 28 September 2013)
A female , *e'cee writes:

I have asked for help several time on dear cupid and now need more advice. I found out my husband of 9 years cheated. Not just once, but this went on for months during the most difficult time of our lives. It hurts me more because he didnt feel bad or guilty enough after the first time to stop. It wasnt until I found out nearly 3 months into their "relationship". After crying my heart out and his endless apologizing, counseling within days of the discovery I decided to try and make this work. Its been 4 months since I found out and getting over it is not as easy as I thought. Every day it crosses my mind. My guard has been raised and every time I think about it going back down, I remember why its back up. The thoughts and visuals are consuming me. I think even if we had broken up, it would still be hurting because I never thought he would do this to me. The one person I trusted with my life deceived me unimaginably. How do I get through this? Is it possible? When will it become easier? How long does this last?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013):

It will take time for the pain you feel now to lessen. You may never trust him again and may never get over this (many people can't) but with time at least the intensity of the gut wrenching feelings will reduce to be more of a dull pain rather than a searing pain.

I would advise you to diver divorce him or, if you want to stay married to him, get into counseling both individually and as a couple.

He didn't have a drunken one night stand. He had a relarionship, an emotional bond to the other woman. He didn't feel guilty about it. This shows he had major problems with you long before the affair started. He lost any feelings of loyalty to you. Thus to save this marriage you have to address not just his betrayal and how that hurt you, bur the reason he felt so uninvested in you to begin with.

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (27 September 2013):

Hi. Is the 2 year old daughter, a child you had since?

Or is she the baby you adopted out?

I think you have pinpointed now, what is at the very core of the difficult time of your marriage.

That was undoubtedly the breaking point for him.

Perhaps his affair with this other woman, started after you told him your decision to adopt the baby out.

He may have felt an emptiness after you made that decision.

He may have agreed to the adoption, but without being completely sure.

Whose decision was it to adopt the baby out?

Was it a mutual decision?

Or did you simply make that decision on your own, and he didn't get any say in the matter?

Some men turn inwards and withdraw from life, in tough emotional times.

They just deal with it all on their own, and don't want to talk about it.

And all it does is isolate them even more, and perhaps he then turned to the arms of another woman to fill the void the adoption caused.

I am not condoning what he did by any means, I am merely trying to clarify what he must have been feeling throughout all of this ordeal.

It would have been much better for you both to talk about it and look at all possibilities that existed as well as odoption.

Perhaps you decided upon adoption, for financial reasons.

Unfortunately, I think the damage has been done and can't really be reversed.

It might have been a whole different ballgame if you had both decided to keep that baby, no matter how financially challenging it might have been.

But anyway, it's all water under the bridge now, isn't it?

It is something you can't change, and so you need to accept it for what it is.

And decide on what you want your future to be.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013):

You had a very hard decision to make, and I fully understand

what a stressful situation this has been on you.

As do all the aunts, we hope things do work out if you want to stay in the marriage.

However; if you don't see yourself getting past this, don't live in a strained marriage for any reason. Your child can see and will feel the tension between you; and it will be reflected in his/her behavior. If he has destroyed all your trust in him; it will not just magically return just, because you continue to live in the same house.

Self-sacrifice breeds extreme resentment over-time. Remain in your marriage; only if he makes it up to you. I wish I could see a better future for you with him. Unfortunately, I can't.

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A female reader, Ne'cee +, writes (27 September 2013):

Ne'cee is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ne'cee agony auntThanks for all the advice so far. It seems I left a lot of questions as well. The most difficult time in our lives I am referring to is placed a child for adoption because it was unplanned and found out late in my pregnancy. This put a lot of strain on our relationship. I was hospitalized the last week of my pregnancy it was like pukking teeth to get him to come see me. Then I found out although he didnt have time to come see me, he was having sex with her. We have a 2 year old daughter together.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013):

It takes time and sometimes you can't get past it, but if your relationship is improving everyday, and you both are working on it, then just give it time, you will never forget but trust me if he is vested in your relationship and committed to making it work, then please give it time it will be hard somedays and some days easy...but time really does heal all wounds. I pray or you, I have been thru this, still with him because he became committed and vested and proved himself, still it took better than a year. The raw feelings i can honestly say are gone, but. Have not or gotten. But my relationship and our love is stronger than ever and blows away any negative by far...i wish this for you also. Good luck

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 September 2013):

Honeypie agony auntIt is easier to forgive then forget. And something you will just never forget, his betrayal is one of those things.

You have said you will try and work it out, so hold back with the forgiveness. You are not ready yet. And THAT is OK. Forgiveness takes time. And it starts with you. Because when a spouse cheats we often blame ourselves for not being enough/doing enough/ showing enough love/support, for not being young enough, smart enough... you know the list. So accept that when he cheated that was HIS decision. HIS choice. It could be because the marriage isn't/wasn't working so well, but that doesn't excuse the cheating. If a marriage doesn't work you TALK with your spouse, you pinpoint the problem and you WORK on them together. Or you walk away.

If you haven't been in counseling yourself, maybe you should consider it. You need to find out WHAT you need from your husband to start rebuilding the trust and removing the walls - or you will live with distrust and walls up for as long as you two stay married. From what you write, you seem to convey that YOU should be the one working on fixing this. All he had to do was apologize and go into counseling.

What else has he done to help fix what is now broken?

Is he truly sorry? Does he show remorse? Did he explain WHY he did it? Does he WANT to stay married to you?

You two need to talk. Serious talk.

You decided to stay, figure out if that is what you REALLY want and if that is what HE really wants.

My suggestion? WRITE down a list of things you want to know, ask him, be open about how it makes you feel and ask him to be open too.

Can you get over it? There are no guaranties, but if you think what you have is worth working on and fighting for then figure out how to do JUST that.

Just remember you can't see the future if you constantly look back over our shoulder at the past.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013):

If you stay you will be in pain. If you leave you will be in pain. Leave him. Divorce him. Time will heal your wounds, and you will no longer have to look at him everyday and cringe and cry over his physical presence and reminder of being a person a heartless, repeat, guiltless, uncaring cheat. He will cheat again so leave before he cheats on you and scars you yet once again...and deeper too.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013):

First, I have to mention how absolutely sorry I am that you had to discover something so painful.

Your emotional response to the betrayal is justified. The pain associated with adultery can't be compared to anything else. It is unique. You described every classic emotion in detail. There isn't one person who reads your post that couldn't relate to your pain. Only those who have suffered your experience, can actually know it.

There is one comment that you mentioned that caught my attention: "this went on for months during the most difficult time of our lives."

This was a time where there was a huge rift in your relationship; but you gave no further information.

Why?

What else made this the most difficult time in your marriage? The cheating will be ever indelible in your mind for the rest of your life. There is no denying that.

However; there were other existing marital problems to be associated with that time-frame.

Cheating was throwing gasoline on the flame.

Then I have to ask, are you truly into saving your marriage; or just going through the motions? What is it you're trying to save?

You admit that you visualize and obsess on his infidelity.

You obviously agonize over persistent questions that are going through your mind. You most certainly have to be searching for who is at fault, and who should take the blame?

It takes two to make a troubled marriage. Usually one who wants to be, and one who really doesn't.

You should focus on what you both were experiencing at that time. Why were you still hanging on; if that was the worst time in your marriage? Doesn't seem he was making much effort on his part.

If this is so painful, what makes you think you will ever get over how you feel right now?

No, it isn't just the cheating. There are other issues plaguing your marriage, and cheating blew the top off.

The length of a marriage offers no evidence that it is a good one. People can painfully tolerate each other for years. Even decades.

Please visualize what you think the future will be like, based on what you're feeling now. Can you see a future?

Is there a point you feel you can forgive him? That's what this is really about, isn't it?

Forgiveness?

You're a scorned woman. So no forgiveness without retribution.

You feel he owes you something. You want him to give you back your trust. You demand it back immediately.

You want to feel whole again. Your mind can't conceive how he could ever make it up to you. There is a flashing red light in your head.

Deep in your soul, you're afraid you can't forgive him.

You're trying to convince yourself you want to make it work.

Is it working?

What holds you back, is that you think letting him go would only amplify your pain; because the thought of him with someone else consumes you fiercely.

Jealousy has taken hold. You're afraid he'll just go back to her; so you're holding him hostage in your marriage. He is held at bey; because he knows he committed a huge sin, and got caught.

You can't force someone to keep their vows.

When trust is ripped from us. It's stealing a part of our soul. It leaves us feeling totally bare. Naked and vulnerable to all the elements. Like there is nothing left to protect us.

There was a small crack in your shell. It was already there. The cheating didn't put there. It just added more fractures. The small crack was probably there early on in the marriage; but you hung on.

You idolized him, and you set very high expectations. You made him the center of your universe. Most wives do. Their world falls apart upon the discovery he isn't perfect.

He didn't live up to anything he promised; nor to your exaggerated perception of his perfection. He went to another woman who expected less of him. He knew he betrayed you in more ways than cheating with her. He didn't leave. He selfishly lived a lie, and did as he pleased in secret.

Nine years into the marriage, he cheats? I'm sorry. The marriage was already dying; and you were desperately trying to revive it. You weren't going to let him go; even if he begged for a divorce. Not without a fight.

It's still in critical condition; because you can't get past his cheating. It's like you've been bitten by a poisonous snake, waiting for the poison to reach your heart.

You feel numb all over.

Do you really want to remain married to this man?

Are you forcing yourself to cling to the marriage without fully believing in your heart, that you can and want to save it?

By asking if you "can" get over it; you're making a convoluted confession.

You don't really want to.

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (27 September 2013):

Hi there. It is never an easy thing to cope with, when you find out your life partner has cheated on you.

It can be easy to forgive, if the cheating one does show clear signs of changing their behaviour.

And for that behaviour to show no hints of reverting back to cheating again.

The only way to help stop cheating, is to find out why a person cheats in the first place.

And very often, it really isn't about the sex at all.

It often goes much deeper than that.

What I am saying is that they are trying to fill a void in their own lives.

Whether it is something like feeling bored and uninspired with their lives.

Not bored and uninspired with you or the marriage, no.

Like feeling their life isn't fun enough.

I am talking about how much you share of yourselves with each other, and what is going on in your own indivual lives.

For instance, if either of you had a problem and if you shared that problem with the other, or just kept it to yourself.

Problems like:-

(1) Problems at work - a difficult boss, or difficult co-workers.

(2) Job security, and the possibility of the company downsizing their staff numbers.

(3) Just not liking their job, but not wanting to leave in case they can't find another job.

(4) Any health issues they don't want to worry you about, so they keep it to themselves.

(5) Any family problems or issues.

(6) Gambling problems.

(7) Something they feel is missing from the marriage, but don't think they could fix.

Any problems need to be talked about, not given up on.

Counselling won't always help, because it relies on both parties being completely honest with the counsellor, and to believe that it might help.

So if the counsellor gets only HALF of all there is to know about the situation, well they can only half help.

Which is totally pointless.

You might have been honest with the counsellor, but your husband might have left things out and just not mentioned them at all.

And so this was why counselling was of no real benefit.

And a person will only change, if they really WANT to change and if they see a benefit to them, so that it is worth their while in the first place.

Perhaps, your husband didn't believe in the counselling process at all, and so went into it half-heartedly.

There is no use in one person apologising and then doing the same thing all over again, to just apologise yet again.

What is the point of that?

An apology means nothing, if they continue to do the same thing.

I really believe there is much more to this, than what lies on the surface.

In case you haven't sat down and had a heart to heart talk with your husband, you probably need to - as soon as possible.

If you do talk, you need to stay completely calm and don't allow yourself to get angry or upset, which will make you lose clarity of thinking.

When you stay calm and relaxed, thinking is clear and you also stay focussed and with an open mind.

What might be useful to you here, is to think back to how your life was before your husband ever cheated, or showed signs of less than attentive behaviour towards you.

Why I say this, is that as you look back, you might be able to pinpoint a time when everything seemed to gradually change.

How were things for you in the very beginning - were you really happy then?

How did you get along with each other?

Did you used to go out on the weekends and do stuff together?

You haven't mentioned this, but do you have any children together?

Or children from previous relationships?

As you haven't stated your age group, I am only guessing here that you may be in your 20's or 30's.

Has either of you had any health problems that affected your relationship during your marriage?

I am looking at all possibilities here, so we can cover all bases.

To solve any problem, it is necessary to have all the facts.

Sometimes in relationships, one of the couple has some problems in their life, which they choose to keep to themselves - for whatever reason - and just bottle it up inside, instead of sharing it.

Whether it is because they feel ashamed of something - gambling, for instance - or if it is to do with work, or health, they keep it secret, because they don't want to worry the other person about it.

Hoping that it might all work itself out, magically.

A problem shared, is a problem halved.

And sometimes, 2 heads are better than 1.

If you can work out when things started to go bad, it might help you to solve the problem much easier.

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A male reader, GentleGiant Canada +, writes (27 September 2013):

Cheating is horrible and sorry to say you got screwed royally. You have appeared to have suffered the most. The biggest deal

breaker in the marriage is trust and that has been thrown into your face. Sometimes people have to be held accountable for their actions, by your own words he did not feel bad about it and really i guess thought it was no big deal in his mind. Based on that attitude and you being the prime person interested in making things work this doesn't sound good. Anybody with a cavalier attitude toward affairs will probably re offend at a later date. Have a meeting with him and lay

down some new ground rules if he seems dis interested pack your bags and leave this lop sided marriage. So you may of had a few good years of marriage, these may be the only memories you will be able to cherish. In my opinion you have suffered enough and don wan dont seem to interested. Its time to move on and rebuild your life. Pack your stuff up and leave and tell him in a letter where to send the support payments.

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