A
male
age
36-40,
*nadin
writes:As per the title my gf likes to try and find out about my past. It sometimes catches up with me, one of her friends is going out with someone who i used to know. Small world. Anyway, my gf has asked me "if i have ever had more than one gf at the same time". So far i have kept her off the track by asking "what has made her think of that question?" Im a bit worried that information has filtered down from her friends gf (not an old flame but a mutual friend of mine who i severed ties with years ago).Im now not sure what to say to my gf, has the old mutual friend told her stuff about me? (Mutual friend is also vindictive and has an axe to grind because i point blank refuse to date or sleep with her - she keeps bringing up my past which im ashamed of and costs me friends etc where possible) in which case do i tell her the truth - that ihave cheated befor but felt so bad and stuck in that position between two women and then risk my gf who i want to propose to, walking away from me - because, to her this sort of thing is a dealbreaker. Shes nearly walked out on me before because she found out through mutual friend that i was nearly a dad (ex years ago had it aborted and only told me about the pregnancy after she had it aborted). It took a month for my gf to talk to me after that doozie.Or do i tell my gf that nothing happened and that she knows everything that i can think of. (Omitting a few things because i dont want her to judge me by my past mistakes or bad fortune)Im 25, shes 22 if that makes any difference to your answers. I would love to avoid the topic of my past where gf is concerned. Im happy enjoying our time together, dont want things like this to upset her and it makes me sad that i seemingly cant have things that happened 5 years ago, fergotten about.Any help with a way forward would be appreciatedA. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 August 2013):
 This girlfriend is curb material so kick her to one and move on.
She is prying into your personal business to confirm whatever dirt has been given her about you by someone with an agenda. And she continues to maintain an acquaintance (which includes secret texts and pictures) with a guy who wants into her pants.
What would she think of you if you were the one doing this? How would she react?
She's cheap and disloyal.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (6 August 2013):
Jeez, it sounds like you have bigger problems than your original question. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Anadin +, writes (6 August 2013):
Anadin is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ok, I have asked her again where this question came from.
her response was that she was talking to her friend about it, he had 2 girls on the go at once, she didnt want to date him because of that. she would have done otherwise.
I had asked where I came in in all of this and she said that they where talking about me, her friend was basically trash talking me according to her. i asked to see what he was saying so i can defend myself. she had deleted the texts. had a guilty look on her face when i asked her why she deleted her convos with him, and if it was because it might be something that she didnt want me to see. That night he texted her "i want more pictures of you sexy xxx" new texts come up in a speech bubble on her phone.
i asked her about this and she said that she sent him pictures before me and her started dating. every so often he askes for more apparantly. (weve had this issue before where he kept pestering her for pictures and she told him to do one, then showed me the texts after she had dealt with it.)
she went out for a walk to the end of thed road and was on the phone, shouting...it was just out of earshot so i couldnt hear what it was about. this morning he text her saying "i love you im sorry i got you into trouble with your boyfriend, why dont you just tell him?"
i had to go to work so i couldnt sort it out. sounds like somethings going down behind my back, i feel on edge at the moment. :S
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (5 August 2013):
You're not obliged to answer any of these questions. You could say something like 'I am as entitled to privacy as anyone else, as are those in my past. You tell me why you're asking these questions and I'll decide whether or not I want to answer them.'
If she does tell you why she's asking, don't feel obliged to make a decision right away. You could tell her you'll have to think about it a while.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 August 2013):
How about you just tell her in plain terms, that you don't like these kinds of questions.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 August 2013):
 Be honest with your GF, sit her down and tell her the truth, not because of a vindictive ex, but because the truth usually have a way of coming out sooner or later.
You can also tell her that you made PLENTY of mistakes in the past and rather no revisit it, I think it's fair enough that people don't want to share every gritty detail of their past, but if she still wants to know then MAYBE you need to let her know who you were and who you are.
Maybe it's not a bad idea to step of the pedestal and let her see YOU. If she doesn't like that, then isn't your relationship kind of build on lies? (or omitted details?)
EVERYONE have done something they regret or wish they hadn't done, then thing is to learn from and not dwell in the fast.
How can SHE hold you responsible for things you mucked up years ago? And more to the question WHY should she?
She is dating you, lock stock and barrel. BE you.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (5 August 2013):
 Well, here's the thing - you're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you tell her the truth, it could be a deal breaker and she could walk away. But, if you lie about it - then if she already knows or finds out the truth, then not only are you a former cheater but you lied to her too.
I think option B is much worse. If you want her to truth her, then you have to earn that trust by telling her the truth. Yeah, it'll be tough for her to deal with, but if you want to marry this girl, then you've got to be honest by her.
Tell her that it's difficult for you to talk about, tell her that you hate yourself for what you did, tell her what it's like to have to tell her these things, but tell her the truth. If you want marriage, then that marriage should be set up on a foundation of truth. I think it was fine not to say anything when she hadn't asked, but now that she's asked you straight out - I think you owe her an honest answer.
Good luck!
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