A
male
age
30-35,
*ark_halcyon
writes:When girlfriend was moving to college, she had to pick a place/apartment in consensus with her parents. I always got a bit nauseus before that, when thinking about possibility that she might get a male roommate.Somehow, instinctively, I had a feeling it will be the case.3 months before going to college, she has been very quiet about it, as in - she "doesn't know who the roommates will be", later "only that there will be 4 people, 4 separate rooms, and few bathrooms".I plain asked her out about it month before - if there will be males, she said no; "they don't put males and females together", the tone of voice was pretty much relaxed and convincible. She also said so in front of my sister who asked the same question(well, that was random hehe).Then the day before she had to go, she told me about it that one guy is already there and the rest are 3 girls, to let it out, and re-assured me that I must not worry. So it ends up that she knew it all the time, for 3 months, and how else to call it- lied to me. Now its been 4 months since she studies over there, and no problems, I know she doesn't even communicate with any of them, even girls in apartment.But under certain circumstances you never know what can happen. I am in position that I would have to move over there for us to live together next 2 years, to put solution to our distance. But I also study in hometown and can't just leave and find job there overnight.Now, I don't think too much about it(no jealousy or worry), but I am a bit disappointed she lied. White lies like these are red flags, she explained how she kept it away(translation: lied) because she thought it was unimportant. But probably its because she was avoiding my reaction until last moment. I understand she had to come up with how to deal with my response/opinion, as she wasn't the one to make decisions about the place instead of her parents.But this means she will lie/withdraw something from me if I would potentially disagree. Would you say I am the one in wrong here?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (13 February 2014):
 The relationship isn't going to survive.
Time to move on.
Best wishes.
A
male
reader, dark_halcyon +, writes (13 February 2014):
dark_halcyon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I didn't suck strangers dick without protection risking STD. I had a casual sex with single girls who I knew already. I never had casual sex with someone taken. Don't compare me to that level.
And I have worked for money, I struggled with family issues, no one will pay my college for free, and I have my non-liberal stance developed out of real life experience.
If you plan to attack me for being on the same level than her, you are doing poorly.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 February 2014):
I'm sorry, it's a bit difficult to understand your last post.
"Also, I've concluded I would loose my nerve with this girl, she's ignorantly liberal, she supports single motherhood, promiscuity, drugs, prostitution, whatever, and this is where we part our way, but additionally she'll call me close-minded for my views.
"This kind of mindset is the last I want in a woman, so lets see where she'll fuck this up, then I'll leave (I won't do it myself)."
If her mindset is so repellent to you, and you will loose your nerve and she is ignorantly liberal, and she supports single motherhood, promiscuity, drugs, prostitution and 'whatever' and she thinks you are close-minded, why are you saying that you won't do break up with her?
You are waiting for her to fuck this up, so you get to do what? Gloat at being right? What is the point of that?
Blah blah blah biological imperative blah blah blah she did things that I can't understand a young woman could do blah blah blah even though I did the same by having random meaningless sex blah blah it's different I tell you it's different because she's a female and I'm a male and there is a different standard or at least my OCD/RJ insists it is so.
You need therapy for this. This post is just about feeding the RJ, the OCD, the delicious fuel that keeps those feelings bubbling along.
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A
male
reader, dark_halcyon +, writes (13 February 2014):
dark_halcyon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReally, so its all about trusting HER?
Ok.
Also, I've concluded I would loose my nerve with this girl, she's ignorantly liberal, she supports single motherhood, promiscuity, drugs, prostitution, whatever, and this is where we part our way, but additionally she'll call me close-minded for my views.
This kind of mindset is the last I want in a woman, so lets see where she'll fuck this up, then I'll leave (I won't do it myself).
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 February 2014):
So, she would be bothered, she said.
If we said you were right, then what is the outcome? Do you break up with her for being a liar? Or do you have something else to be angry with her about?
If we said you were wrong, what is the outcome? Do you stay with her because we said you had it wrong?
I can see why she'd avoid telling you something that would trigger the RJ and feelings of not trusting her.
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A
male
reader, dark_halcyon +, writes (13 February 2014):
dark_halcyon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou don't bring that to this topic. Its all about her comfort, its all about her, and I need help, yes, sure... Stick to the topic. A repeat, she said she would be bothered if I were in her position, did you not read what I wrote?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 February 2014):
Um, dark halcyon? You said this about your girlfriend, on a thread about another poster learning his wife had had oral sex with someone she didn't know well: "Fighting an impossible battle with exact thing now. Though we're not married, so because she's only my girlfriend, objectively I have less "right" to obsess. But this is really such insane torture, tremble of inner being, I never knew this can even exist. I'd rather have teeth pulled out of my jaw one by one, then live through this for already 1 year.
It spoils everything, seems like all normal problems in relationship get intensified by it. Relationship starts to look more like a harsh punishment, an evil, and you ask why it ever happened with this person. What does she want from you, why YOU. You start to question if you're her emotional fix for what she did, in a way you being saviour of negative effect on her by the choice she gave herself to, or otherwise she wouldn't want you. Like, when women go into LTR or marriage after something like this, its only a compensation in order tonot feel bad or doubt if they are desirable in full package.
It is one of most intense inner battles I've ever had, and I lived through all kinds of S***.
The problem is, I feel even leaving her won't fix my pain, it will make it worse, and I think this will scar me for life, I'm afraid."
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There's a lot of pain and worry and sorry, reacting dramatically….
Are you really sure you are with the right girl for you? Because you don't sound as though you trust her and that you are tormented by her past.
Have you had a chance to read the posts by this aunt: http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos who has many posts on this topic, and to my mind, the most helpful.
In the context of your concerns about her past which is causing you such pain how is that you can say that this you accepted this situation. You didn't, obviously.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-my-case-of-retroactive-jealousy-completely-irrational.html
And here you show that you have a severe case of retroactive jealousy.
No wonder she is avoiding telling you that she is going to have a male roommate. You will imagine things, the fear and OCD that this causes will create lots of conversations and accusations….
DH, have you ever tried to get help for the retroactive jealousy? It's a form of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).
In that post, you even threaten suicide.
You need professional help, really you do. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (12 February 2014):
Oh dear God.
I'm a 44 year old woman, and my favorite roommates ever have been male.
Never had one act inappropriately. Never had one hit on me.
They don't borrow your clothes, they don't borrow your makeup, they're great at killing spiders and they don't try to sleep with your boyfriend.
And she'll probably be physically safer with a man in the house.
What's your problem again?
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A
male
reader, dark_halcyon +, writes (12 February 2014):
dark_halcyon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I wouldn't react dramatically. I'd maybe share a view or two, or would wanted to know why she can't choose a different circumstances, but it seems she just doesn't want to waste energy discussing what would potentially bother me. Regarding anything. No, I've never been maniac about something, but I did express my definite opinions on stuff, however she doesn't like a bit when it contrasts hers.I accepted this situation and do not even think about it, it was until now for a brief moment, when I thought back "how many things has she white-lied to me about, just in the same way, in order to get her way, but avoid my side of the story". I just re-evaluate certain things. She goes with the flow. Well, let me tell you: she also said that if I was in her position, she would be slightly bothered. Supposedly not about cheating, but "other people being closer to me". What do I make out of this statement then? That she uses double standards? Thats she's so helpless victim who couldn't make another deal with her parents? I know one female asked her for roommating but she took this option already.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 February 2014):
Hi, do you know what your reaction would have been? If you had been in your girlfriend's shoes, would you have wanted to go through your reaction for 3 months?
I think you are right, she probably did know about it and lied to you to avoid your reaction.
Has this concern about her being in close proximity to other men been a problem for you for a while or is this the first time it has come up as a problem?
You said there was no jealousy or worry, so why would you feel nauseous if she had a male flatmate?
So maybe ask her more about this, calmly and lovingly. "Will you lie or withhold something from me because I might disagree? Why would you feel the need to do that?" and she may come back with a reason. Which could be something like "You are a jealous maniac and I am fearful for my life if you are crossed in anyway." or it could be something far more benign as in "I knew it wasn't going to be a problem and I didn't want you badgering me for 3 months about a decision I had no control over." or "It's my life and I get tired of your insecurities." or "I don't know why I didn't tell you, I guess I just didn't trust you to trust me."
Yes, it was wrong that she lied to you, but perhaps that reflects something about the way she knew you would react, and it was unimportant to her….
She's been there for 4 months and everything is going well and you are still worried about this. It is time to have an honest and open conversation about this and be prepared to hear things about yourself that you may not like very much…. also be prepared to have the air cleared and greater understanding of each other and a better way to communicate.
You are standing on the threshold of a relationship breakthrough. You are about to learn to disagree yet still reach a consensus. Go be a loving partner and expect her to do the same.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): To an extent I would say you are in the wrong with this. The thing is, you asked her whether there were males in the accommodation with her and so she'll have instantly panicked about your reaction and lied, but another suggestion is that at the time she might not have known. When I first moved into my accommodation at university, I knew there would be 6 of us in total but I didn't know who I was sharing with, whether they were male or female and to be honest, I didn't look into it in great detail to find out despite my partner at the time asking me to find out everything about where I would be living. The issue of mixed accommodation seems to be a massive deal to people with partners, it's not! Believe me, I have lived here now for almost 6 months and in all of that time I have had no incidents with any of the boys I live with or the people that come and visit on a regular basis. You said she doesn't communicate with them, well I don't with mine, I say hi when I see them and have a brief chat but that's it and there has never been an occasion where it may have gone further than that. From reading this, it would sound like a case of jealousy simply for asking the question in the first place. Admittedly she was in the wrong for lying, however, the fact is, she probably panicked when you put her on the spot by asking. No matter how calm you may have seemed at the time, the fact is, she will have read the question as one of jealousy.
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