A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi There,I wanted to get your advice about a bad breakup I’m currently going through. I started dating my co-worker after I resigned from the company. Even before I resigned her work schedule bothered me. Our manager would call, text, and IM her at very late hours talking about non-work things. She was also working 10-12 hours a day (she never got the right OT pay she was entitled to) – six days a week. I talked to our manager and he basically told me to mind my own business. So I talked to HR and they were suppose to conduct an investigation but they never talked with any of us to corroborate what was going on. My girlfriend was very upset with me because of my reporting this to HR and this caused issues with our relationship. We came to an agreement that she would start to look for a new job in Oct and also try to leave her job earlier in the evening.Initially she was true to her word… but gradually she started to work the same hours again.. and the manager continued to call and text her late into the nights and mornings. I was always worried for her safety because something wasn’t right with this manager. Even one time I saw this manager biking around her neighborhood on one weekend when he lived 40 minutes away. IT all culminated into an argument where she told me that she only told me that she would look for a job in Oct because that was what she knew I wanted to hear. We eventually broke up and I said some awful things to her in frustration because I felt she lied to me. I tried to contact her but she completely blocked me out of her world. I tried to see her but she ran away from me and refuses to see or talk with me. I’m greatly hurt by this. She refuses my packages and letters. I still think about her… and worry about her.. I still love her deeply but my words and contacting HR wounded her harshly. I’m not sure what to do. My intentions were only to get her out of this unhealthy work situation because I loved her… but I only made her retreat more into this work world. Did I do the right thing? How do I reconcile this feeling of regret? Is there a hope of getting back together? (it’s been three months) I hope you can give me advice about this. It’s been a rough three months since our breakup.Rich
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me says what you did wasn't the best choice but for her to totally get rid of you rather than having a talk about it, makes me think she could've had something going on with him that you were unaware of.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): No, you weren't "making sure she was safe" -- you were treating her like a child. If she'd wanted your protection, she would've accepted your offers to drive her home.
Give up; she's made her decision, and now you have to live with it. You feel she has trouble establishing boundaries. If you continue to try to contact her, you are refusing to accept the boundaries she's set with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): You are still missing the point! She didn't ask for your help and you don't see how your behaviour was just as controlling as the behavior as her abusive family or her boss. You don't take it upon yourself to railroad her job. The really killing part is you see her job as menial. Its important to HER!
You are a controlling man! In the future, independent women don't need a captain save a ho. We need your support! That is TOTALLY different from COMPLETELY taking over the situation. We can do that just fine on our own
thank you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 November 2012):
 You are not really treating her much better then her boss. YOUR intentions might be nicer, but you are treating her like a child, but going over her head, not once but TWICE at her work.
She obviously likes her job or is happy to HAVE a job, so even if you "think" she can do better or "should" do better it is ULTIMATELY her choice NOT yours.
I don't think you stand a chance at getting her back. Not many people like having their Significant Other meddle in their job situation and trying to control that aspect of their life.
You need to let her go.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 You blew it. It was not your place to speak to her manager or her HR department. This upset your girlfriend and to shut you up she said she would leave her job, this is what you refer to as coming to an agreement.
So then the time frame you had placed on her continuing her job at her workplace came and went and oh dear, because you didn't get your way with her job you said some nasty things.
You ask if you did the right thing, the answer is no! Most emphatically not! You were so wrong in your actions she has blocked you and runs away from you. What does that tell you Rich?
You need to leave her alone, this relationship is over, and if you are lucky enough to find another lady to have a relationship with, don't go thinking it's your place to decide where she can work, and for who and under what conditions. Back off, they are grown women and know what they are about. Mind your own business until and if they raise the subject with you. Your ex girlfriend didn't need you making decisions for her, and any new girlfriend wont either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me clarify things further -
On at least one occasion when I was there - the manager followed her home and insisted on walking her home. She didn't feel comfortable so they ended walking around the subway station for 1 hour at 8:30pm at night. He was professing a lot of weird things to her that she refused to share with me.
Yes - I didn't have confidence in her to speak up because she was from a physically abusive childhood and according to her - she wants to avoid confrontation. Her ex - stated it best - she sees the manager as a father figure and through her own past - works to try to please him like she couldn't do for her father. I don't think he should use that to exploit her. So I probably shouldn't have pushed so hard - but I wanted to give her the voice she didn't have.
Third - she lives in a high crime city (Oakland CA - try to google that) and she's coming home at midnight and beyond. What person wouldn't be concerned if your gf is coming home in a high crime area at night and she didn't want me to drive her home. And she's already been robbed once of her Iphone.
And her career is pretty non-existent. She's doing an entry level position for the last seven years with a manager that acts like a high school student to her... and refuses to give her development opportunities. I forgot to mention - there is a lot of touching going on in the office - from people that still work there tell me.
So I disagree - it was making sure she was safe.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 The only reason you wanted her to change her job was because it was affecting you!!
I am not surprised she dumped you. Did it not occur to you that it's her life, her job and she was quite happy with things before you started rattling her cage.She is an adult who can make her own choices in life and you jumping up and down in her face won't make a blind bit of difference.
What is it about some people who have to interfere and press for control when some one else's life doesn't suit their own??
She lied to you to get you off her back because you were being a pain in the ass, it's no less than any other person would do. I also don't really buy that you were worried for her safety, I am pretty sure as a grown woman she didn't feel in danger at any time.
You crossed the line BIG TIME, I bet it was a total relief for her to let you go.
Time to learn from your mistake and move on buddy!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): Speaking to her manager, and then escalating to speaking to HR, indicates that you think your ex was not capable of speaking for herself. Do you understand that by doing so, you undermined her professionalism and possibly her standing in the company's eyes (as well as hers)?
Plus, if I understand the timeline correctly, when you talked to the manager you two weren't even dating yet?
You were way out of line here, and it's no wonder your ex broke up with you.
By blocking you, she's telling you very clearly that she doesn't want any further contact with you. Respect her boundaries and leave her alone. Move on with your life. And in future relationships, allow your gfs to conduct their lives and careers as they see fit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): Unfortunately, I don't think so. I know you were only trying to help but if your girlfriend was okay with being screwed over, leave it alone. If you were so uncomfortable about the late night chats then you should leave HER alone. Your girlfriend is an adult and I'm quire sure she can speak up for herself if she felt like she was getting screwed. As far as that is concerned, you over stepped your bounds. I don't think you trust your gf as you don't feel that her manager shouldn't be contacting her all hrs of the night. I believe that is due to how your relationship started, you may believe
that there is more going on than it may be.
In the future, don't butt into other people's career unless asked. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 November 2012):
 Rich: Your foray in to this girl's life was - or, at least, BECAME - inappropriate.... and you went over the edge of what she would tolerate... so she decided to let you go....
NOW, you really need to "let go" of her, and get on with your life...
IF there is a lesson in this.. it's that you seem to have a knack, or need, to control your partner's life situation, and THAT is not a great recipe for on-going happiness....
Good luck....
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