A
male
age
41-50,
*rmarciano
writes:I have what it's called Retrograde Jealousy (form of OCD)My gf (which I love a lot) has a strange past with a relationship (sex buddy) with a best friend (man) and after that a long relationship with a girl (which was the only one that she had - she's not lesbian). I am struggling about for 1 year to cast away those information that I gattered about it all and to delete the movies of her with them that strike me almost everyday! But now that Im getting better I have another problem. She is friends with them. The guy and the girl. I don't think that I can stand for this also because I think that everytime that she is going to be with them and me (at the same time) I'll be forced to confront myself against the memories of her past! What should I do when she wants to be with them? I already told her a hundred times my limitations and fears but she still wants to be friends with them! I wish that she just deleted them of her life and consenquently of my life! I have already accepted her past but I can't accept that even if she is friends with them before she met me, now I have to struggle again because she wants to be with them when she wants! I've asked her not to be friends with them and she always replied to me that they are important people in her life and that she was friends with them before she met me.But she doesnt know how that makes me feels and that I really want her to cut the ropes on these 2 peoples.Am I so wrong in wanting this for my mental sanity and for this relationship to go through?Thanks
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best friend, her ex, her past, jealous, lesbian Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 October 2013):
 Hi drmarciano, it sounds as though you are asking for help in controlling your problematic thought processes? Have you considered seeing a qualified therapist who can give you advice specific to your form of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)?
You seem to be hoping that someone here will have a way to get you to stop thinking these unwanted thoughts. If you can't do that, and you are the one in charge of your mind, wouldn't it be sensible to get some really qualified help?
The aunt "yos" here has gone through this experience and has some great answers on the topic: http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
With very best wishes.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 October 2013):
 an ex of mine actually slept with a guy friend of hers after we temporarily broke up (about a week we were seperated). she slept with him the night after we parted. when we were speaking of reconciliation, she told me she needed to confess that she had slept with him. that it was a huge drunken mistake and she was sad and hurt and how sorry she was it had happened. i was crushed at the time. i took a few days to think if this was something i thought i could get over. i eventually decided it was and we got back together.
i actively chose to push that situation out of my head and let it go. it was a drunk mistake. it would come up from time to time in my mind, and i would let myself wander off to the thought of them in bed together, but i shoved it away and shook it off. that was my problem to handle. this situation never caused us any real problems from then on. i realized that i had to deal with it. and i did. i needed to get a grip on my brain. we eventually split for unrelated issues.
anyway, your girlfriend has a past. it's not like she's cheated on you with these people or slept with them behind your back. she slept with them before she even know you existed. just the same as i'm sure you've slept with othr women before her in the past. do you still want to sleep with those women now? do you still love them and have feelings for them? i'm sure not. you're only about being with your current girlfriend, am i right? so that's how she feels, too. just because she's slept with them before doesn't mean she wants to now.
you're being your own worst enemy, by far. and honestly, if this is something you don't see yourself being able to get over, then you need to just cut your losses now and both move on. because it's not fair for her and will cause her needless misory, and it's not fair for you to constantly feel that way, either.
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A
male
reader, drmarciano +, writes (7 October 2013):
drmarciano is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your feedback everyone! You been kind and respectful and helped get my head a bit more on the right way! I already talked to my GF about this and I only think that If she don't spend time with that 2 people that make me uncomfortable I would be "healed" but thats not true because she barely spends time with them and I still remember they're existence day in day out! I get really obsessed with this and acted bad from the start trying to gather information (like someone said). Sometimes my head is the chaos because I still think that I can or "change her past" or "change the way I see things so that I don't suffer so much". But I can't change nothing and the problem is only in my head.I wish I could stop thinking about her with them (the boy and the girl) because when you think so much of the person that you love in bed or cuddling with someone else you lose a bit of control in your head.It happens to me everyday! The stimulus is simply a sexual thing that someone says or I read or I say. It's awful! Can you like give any feedback on what "stop" or "controls" can I use in my head so that I don't think about it so much? Thanks in advance!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): I think these situations call for a compromise. Some of these situations are much different than others. A lot depends on the circumstances and the people.
Going to lunch with an ex occasionally is a lot different from leaving your new partner home alone while you hang out with your ex every Saturday night.
Some exes never meant much to the person except sex, therefore sexual attraction is about the only reason your partner might still want to see them. Other exes might be friends your partner has known for 10 years and they were only ever sexually involved for a small fraction of that whole time. Etc.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): I think these situations call for a compromise. Some of these situations are much different than others. A lot depends on the circumstances and the people.
Going to lunch with an ex occasionally is a lot different from leaving your new partner home alone while you hang out with your ex every Saturday night.
Some exes never meant much to the person except sex, therefore sexual attraction is about the only reason your partner might still want to see them. Other exes might be friends your partner has known for 10 years and they were only ever sexually involved for a small fraction of that whole time. Etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Wow.
You have no right whatsoever to tell her who she can and cannot be friends with. We all have pasts. You can't expect someone to have nothing to do with friends in the past simply because they slept with them - male or female. I had a boyfriend who was incredibly jealous of my friendship with my ex boyfriend. That was his problem not mine and I told him so. As long as I'm not still in love with them, or still sleeping with them then it is none of his business who I am friends with.
I would seriously lay off trying to lord it over your girlfriend about who she can or cannot be friends with - otherwise you WILL lose her - and it will be your own fault. Be happy that she chooses to be with you, for now - because if you continue with the controlling behaviour, she won't be with you for much longer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): I think these situations call for a compromise. Some of these situations are much different than others. A lot depends on the circumstances and the people.
Going to lunch with an ex occasionally is a lot different from leaving your new partner home alone while you hang out with your ex every Saturday night.
Some exes never meant much to the person except sex, therefore sexual attraction is about the only reason your partner might still want to see them. Other exes might be friends your partner has known for 10 years and they were only ever sexually involved for a small fraction of that whole time. Etc.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 October 2013):
yes you are wrong. you cannot and do not have the right to tell you girlfriend who she can and cannot be friends with. if there is trust, which is what a healthy relationship entails, then you know you have nothing to worry about. it's one thing to gently and calmly communicate how the relationship makes you feel and ask for occasional reassurance that all is well. but never to flat out ask or tell someone to get rid of their friends. that's never okay.
i'm gay, and i'm legitimately friends with a lot of my exes. guess what? nothing more. and if my current girlfriend and i break up, she will most certainly remain in my life, as well. because she's very important to me. and i don't cheat or cross appropriate boundries with my friends, so i know that if someone ever told me i had to pick between my friends and them, i would tell them to hit the road. because i would know that i hadn't put them in a legitimate uncomfortable position where that would be justified. i know myself well enough to know that if anyone of my exes or friends said or did anything inappropriate or disrespectful of my relationship, i would remove that friend from my life. so once again, if someone thinks they can tell me who i can and can't be friends with, i'd say "next."
don't be that guy. it's unflattering and unnecessary. if either of them start behaving and saying inappropriate things to your girlfriend, then perhaps that's a different story. but until, i'd pipe down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): As someone who was in a relationship with a Retroactively Jealous man, I can sympathize with both you and your girlfriend. I am a bit surprised that at your age you have not learned to avoid "gathering" such information. I suspect from my experience, that even if her past was very modest, you would still have issues with it. What happened in my case? This completely tore us apart as a couple, and tore me apart as an individual. I still feel damaged nearly one year after the end of the relationship. Also, I have found my self trying to "gather" this info on an new love interests, and I can feel the RJ bug infecting me.
I feel that is not fair for you to expect her to "delete" her friends. Ultimately, this has little to do with OCD or RJ, it is the Age Old desire to change someone, which of course is known to be impossible. You certainly cannot change the past. I hated it when I heard it, but I think the solution is to walk away and learn from your mistakes. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS TO WHICH YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS. And if anyone starts to offer up such information, politely stop them.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 October 2013):
 No you are not wrong. She should respect your wishes, otherwise you are not important in your life. You can't control what she does and what friends she chooses to hang around with but you can't choose to exit the relationship because she doesn't try to understand your feelings. It is inappropriate to continue friendship with ex lovers when you are inside a serious relationship.
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