A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend believes in god; I do not. We’ve always been very respectful of our respective beliefs. We were both baptised as Roman Catholics and raised in Roman Catholic families.As a Roman Catholic woman, you have a responsibility to marry someone of faith, to grow spiritually with them in marriage and to raise your children as Roman Catholics. I understand what it would mean for her to marry a non-believer and to forgo the spiritual dimension of a marriage with this person. I appreciate her willingness to do so. Conversely, she understands how disconcerting it would be for me to make *religious* vows before God in a church ceremony and to partake in future religious responsibilities. She appreciates my willingness to do so.What has been challenging is the topic of children. Understandably, she cannot imagine a scenario where children are not raised as Roman Catholics. She worries about the divided message a believer and a non-believer would send their children (as opposed to parents of two different faiths, but faiths nonetheless). She doesn’t expect me to attend church on Sundays or to actively cultivate the children’s faith in God but a vocal non-believer could negate her efforts to do so no matter how respectful and supportive dad is of mom’s beliefs. One option is for dad not to be vocal on this topic. I’m not opposed to children being raised with Roman Catholic values but I would hate to lie to them about my beliefs. Another option is not to have children.I would appreciate any input or advice you could offer. Do you have any experience with this as a parent or child? Are you a believer/non-believer? Thank you for your insight.
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female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (4 October 2013):
My mom's parents are very religious - her dad was a minister. My mom went to church but I'm not sure how much of that was because of true belief and how much was to pacify her parents. However, my dad was very much not religious. He would not go to church. The most he would do is bow his head for prayer if we were having a meal with my grandparents. And being a child in that sort of ambivalent religious scenario is quite confusing. It very much is mixed messages. Also, I did reach a point where I was not interested in going to church, and I would point out - well dad doesn't have to go, why should I?
I want to point out, that just being non-vocal about the issue is not going to work. The kids will easily pick up on dad not going to church or praying or reading the bible, even if dad doesn't say anything against believing in god.
Religion is such a tough subject to make work in relationships if beliefs are radically different. I think particularly so for the religious one. Because as much as she can respect your choice to believe whatever you want to believe, if she is religious, she will be worrying about your soul going to hell because she loves you. My grandparents are very religious and they can't get over trying to convert me every chance they talk to me. Maybe that won't be the case with your girlfriend if she isn't that religious, but if she does become more so, that's a risk. And she will probably feel that way about her children as well.
A
female
reader, Questing for Love  +, writes (3 October 2013):
 My personal experience, both of my parents were raised in EXTREMELY religious families,dad was baptist, mom was catholic. Growing up my dad completely rebelled against being part of a religion and often went against his parents' wishes, my mom followed religion but when my parents got married, neither practiced religion. When they had us, my older brother was baptized because my mom's parents wanted it that way, however when I was born my dad did not want to go through the baptism again and thus I was not baptized.
Neither of my parents are atheist, my mom believes in God while my dad believes in reincarnation. However they never pushed religion on us. We grew up knowing from our classmates that church was available and if we wanted to, our parents would take us, my brother and I just never felt the need to go.
My advice, don't think conflicting religions means you shouldn't have kids. If you want kids than go for it, but I'd say don't PUSH religion onto your kids. Have your girlfriend tell them her beliefs, but tell her to share it as an opinion. Not as if it's right or wrong. Let your kids know that if they ever wanted to go to church that they can, that the decision is completely up to them. However try to explain to them that if they do choose to follow religion, that it is not polite to push their faith onto others. Tell them that if others don't agree with their beliefs that it is okay.
Basically just be honest with your kids. Tell them this is mom's belief and this is dad's belief,and then tell them: you guys decide what is right for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Whoever feels the most strongly is the one who will suffer more if they don't get their way. Usually religious people are more emotionally invested in their beliefs, than atheists are in their non-belief. For example you don't get upset if people say there is a God, right? You don't believe there is one but you don't mind other people wanting to believe for themselves right? You just dont want them to try to force their views on you. No one does. However many religious people do get upset if someone says there is no God even if that person is not being pushy but just stating their own opinion.
Therefore I think you are less invested in this issue than she is, so it would be easier for you to censor yourself and let her have her way, than for her to accommodate your views on religion. Therefore let her have her way.
However if you both feel strongly about your views on religion I would actually advise not marrying her on the grounds of severe incompatibility. Its easy to respect each others divergent views when you are only dating. When married and raising a family it will get much harder because you no longer have this boundary that allows you each to have your own identity. As a married couple you are supposed to be a single unit, and religious people feel all the more than family is a spiritual ground.
People with divergent *values* rarely can make a marriage work harmoniously. Sooner or later they feel their partner is attacking their very core. People who are really religious usually will put their religion ahead of their spouse (because the religion commands it if it comes down to that). The question is whether she is actually religious or if she is just following a habit or tradition without being that emotionally invested in it. If the latter then it will be much smoother sailing.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (3 October 2013):
 I'm a lapsed Catholic/ non believer. I'm not a parent but I'm an aunt to many nieces and nephews of mixed marriages (huge Catholic family!).
My siblings are not as fervent RCs as your girlfriend, and so I suppose it hasn't been such an issue, but what I've noticed (with them and also with friends in mixed marriages) is that the parent who feels most strongly brings up the child in that religion. The other parent is, of course, free to voice their own religious beliefs (or lack thereof) to the child/ children. I haven't observed any problems with any of the children. Actually the opposite; they have the freedom to believe or not believe.
This would only be of real concern if your partner wishes to indoctrinate any potential children into Catholicism. Otherwise she should feel comfortable with her children having their faith 'challenged' by their father honestly expressing his views and not lying. I don't think it's sending mixed messages; it's letting the children decide for themselves.
My parents are both fervent Catholics and I'm a non-believer because, as enthusiastic as they are, they never indoctrinated me.
All of this should come up in pre-marital counselling, which I think is more or less obligatory if you intend to get married by a RC priest.
Lastly, I doubt many women will choose the no children option, so do have a frank discussion with your girlfriend sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 October 2013):
 I was baptized as Catholic but not practicing now. My son is not following any religion. In your case I would let your wife raise the child Catholic but let him choose what he wants to do in the future. The child could follow his mom's footsteps or he could become like me and you. If your girlfriend is willing to marry you with no intentions to reconvert you, she will have no problems with the child making his own decisions when he grows up. The message you give him is that you can be a Catholic without imposing your belief onto others.
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