A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, I've been with my current girlfriend for over a year. At first, we started off as casual. During this time, she hooked up with two different guys and then met her ex girlfriend for Valentine's day (she swore nothing happened). I accepted it because we weren't in a committed relationship even though she told me she didn't want to do anything else. Recently, she went out to a club with her friend and met a guy. Since their meeting, they have been exchanging long messages to each other. She was honest about it at the beginning, telling me how he messages her.She tells me she doesn't want to be rude so she replied. One day I got real sense of jealousy and (I know!!), I checked through her messages. He apologized for "grabbing" her and being so forthcoming (what does this even mean!) and asked if she enjoyed it. He keeps asking her to meet up and she keeps saying "definitely" but postponing it. I took her on holiday for our one year anniversary and was even messaging him then!We were in bed last night and I noticed how she had a her messages up and there were some long ones. I didn't think of it and got into bed. She was showing me something on her Kindle and his message popped up at 11pm!!I don't know what to do, please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 February 2016):
 So does she think that because she is dating you.. that it's OK for her to be texting/chatting with a dude?
Have you asked her how SHE would feel if you DID that? If not, go ahead ask her.
She could EASILY tell the guy, hey I got a GF so I can't go out with you and you can't grab my body either, it's not OK. BUT she hasn't done that because she is getting SOMETHING out of it. Maybe she likes the attention, maybe she isn't so sure about you two, maybe she likes for you to know that you have competition.
No matter what I'd ask her why she thinks it's OK. It's not like this dude is a friend. He isn't trying to be her friend. He is trying to get laid.
And you taking her on vacation and she is busy chatting HIM up while there? So not OK.
Why do you think you haven't confronted her about this? Are you afraid to rock the boat? you rather feel bad about it? You rather be miserable?
Maybe your relationship has run it's course. It definitely sounds like she is taking you for granted.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2016): I'm the OP
Thanks for all your advice- really appreciate it. She's not out of the closet to her friends so that's why I gave her leeway. She text me today saying:
"I didn't say I liked him. Yeah maybe I was curious and I said that to you. You then gave me the option to pursue and I said no I didn't want to."
"Just started talking that's all nothing else. You need to forget about it. There isn't anything in it at all. You are trying to read between the lines too much and there's nothing there. I've said sorry and it's not appropriate and I won't talk to him anymore"
"I didn't like him I met him once for fuck sake! Chill out!! No I wouldn't have met him behind your back and I didn't"
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 A line has to be drawn on this. You are right to be upset. What on earth is she thinking about? She has to explain to him that she is already in a relationship; she isn't looking for anything else, and will he please stop messaging her. Then she needs to block him on the phone and any social media they might be using.
Make it clear that you aren't happy with it and there will be no second chance.
You might also send a message to the guy himself. Tell him you have read all his messages to her and enough is enough. Let him go and find his own girlfriend; not somebody else's.
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A
female
reader, Honest-Lu +, writes (11 February 2016):
So let me get this right...
Your girlfriend went out 'met' a guy exchanged numbers and now they’re constantly texting each other.
Why are you putting up with this??
You need to tell her you are not happy with this!
You take her on holiday and she is messaging him? I’m sorry but I’d dump her sorry ass she obviously isn’t into you as you are into her because if she was she wouldn’t be messaging another guy!
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A
female
reader, dean93  +, writes (11 February 2016):
if I were you, I would talk to your girlfriend about it. I'll also let her know that while I appreciate her honesty that she is texting some other guy regularly, it makes me uncomfortable that she is spending so much time talking to this guy. Exchanging long messages (which I feel are unlikely to be trivial messages like how is the weather) fosters some form of emotional bond or intimacy. This is just a guy she met in a club, not a long time friend. Even then, I don't exchange long messages and neither do I text my long term male friends regularly. She was not obligated to give her number, or socialise with this stranger if she did not want to. I don't think it is also a matter about being "rude" not replying his messages. If she was not interested, and from his messages, clearly he doesn't just see her as a friend, I don't see why it would be difficult to let him know politely that she would not go out with him because she is attached. I see many red flags here, but maybe your girlfriend is just someone who is too nice to turn people down. But even in this case, I feel that you should let her know why you feel uncomfortable. Best of luck!
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