A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my fiance of 4 years has always suffered from self esteem issues, an eating disorder and was raped when she was 16. now because of this she dated men who treated her like crap because she thought she deserved that. she has had no support from her family because her dad always worked and her mother is mean and runs her down even more. i love her and she is amazing but she recently started on anti depressants a few months ago and is almost a completely different person who is completely ruled by her insecurities. because of this she has tried push me away and get distance from me because she feels she is not worthy of me. she has had internet relationships with other men and sent photos of herself semi naked to them and it had been going on for months until i finally found some emails she had sent. anyway i forgave her for this because i know she was doing it for the validation because she has horrible self esteem. the conditions of getting back with her were to change her phone number so these creeps cant keep messaging her and to talk to her doctor about getting of the anti depressants.she has gone back on both these conditions and is in a completely messed up state of mind. she is confused, feels isolated and thinks even more so than ever that she doesnt deserve me after months of lies and deceit.will she ever change or go back to the way she used to be?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 Reading your follow-up I must emphasize: You have to prioritize YOURSELF in this. There's two great reasons for that, 1. You can't help her at all if you end up in depression yourself over this, or are so worn out that you are unable to actually give her any support. If she takes you down with her then you will both drown, and none of you will be happy. 2. If you want to have your life for YOU, you must maintain your own well-being. If in the case you and her part ways, you must still be intact as a person and able to move on and be strong, so that you yourself don't become a person who leans on to others for support. So that you have something you can give of yourself to a new partner, or just to yourself so you can live a fulfilled life.
Often when in a relationship with a depressed person the partner loses themselves in the process, which creates an even bigger problem for the relationship than the initial depression. You absolutely can not carry her weight or let her problems be your problems. Support is one thing, morphing is another.
For example, you tell her over and over that she is beautiful. But she doesn't care to hear what you say. This in turn frustrates you, hurts you, and makes you sure she goes elsewhere for validation. It also belittles you and makes you meaningless. That's when her problems have become your problems and you have morphed into each other in a symbiotic mess. Support on the other hand means to tell her she is beautiful, but that if she does not believe it you won't say it again. Support is being firm with her. Talk firmly. Set things straight. If she doesn't accept that you find her beautiful that hurts you, she needs to know, and she needs to decide right there and then what her actions will be. Will she accept the compliment or not? Then if she doesn't you don't have to tell her again, as she made the choice to not care about it. "Nagging" on her about how pretty she is is not constructive.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 October 2011):
She is on anti-depressants for a reason. I think if her doctor prescribed them to her she should take them, for her own well being. You can't tell her to not take them, just because it makes you feel unhappy. If she is depressed she needs help, and you need to respect that.
I understand you care greatly for her, but she must speak to her doctor if she wishes to get off the medication, and you are not her doctor. If she does not get her treatment/medication her condition will quite possibly worsen. The doctor will not normally take a patient OFF medication, as once you're on medication you need to stay on medication. However she can discuss changing the dose, or try different medication if that is available, or a different mixture. You want her to go off the medication, but you have not the medical knowledge to know what will happen to her if she does. You think she might revert back to her usual self, but most likely she will not. I strongly advice you to encourage her taking her medication, and not work against it.
People change when on anti-depressants. What I've noticed is that they are more cheerful, they are emotionally numbed, and smile more often. If the medication makes them capable to get through life, then that is what they need.
Your girlfriend might change some more. Maybe for better, maybe for worse. But she will not go back to being how she used to be, people by default never do as time doesn't go backwards.
Does she get therapy? She needs to process the trauma of being raped which has caused her to seek unhealthy validation from other men.
Other than that, making sure she takes her medication and gets therapy, and supporting her, there isn't much left for you to do. If you feel that this is demanding too much from you, and taking up too much of your energy, draining you, and making you unhappy, then you should leave the relationship. You can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you can't carry her problems either. She must carry those herself. That's just how it is. You need to look after yourself as well in all of this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwould just like to clarify that she is seeing a psych 2 times a week and i always compliment her and always have but i think your right in that its important for me stay i just dont want it to destroy me in the process if she cheats or somthing.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1 +, writes (30 October 2011):
 I too had been on anti depressants, and whilst I was on them it changed my personality, I became very angry whilst on them, I stopped taking them because they simply didn't work, and I am getting much better. In reference to your girlfriend sending semi-naked pics to other men, I know that some anti-depressants (not all) but some can have a side effect of causing some people to become a little bit promiscuous and they do things that they wouldn't normally do. I am not excusing what happened, just giving a possible alternate reason behind it. Things will get better, keep encouraging her to get a therapist and to talk to her doctor about how she feels, and things will get better. Keep supporting her, and showing her that you are there for her. I know it's very hard on you too, but it does get better in time, but it may take a bit of time happen. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 Well... judging by the complexities of the young woman who you described.... I'd say that whatever advice you get herein (and we - collectively - give darn good advice!) won't be worth a whit if this woman doesn't get professional assessment to determine what would be a good way to address this issue....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): it seems like her meds are NOT working and she needs to be switched to something new.she NEEDS therapy. she has a lot of stuff she needs to work out that you cannot help her with. i know this as a young woman who also had a very rough past and struggled with self esteem issues. (never acted out for attention though- i was always afraid of attention) as much as she loves you and you love her, you do not have the credentials to fix this and that is what she needs right now.also maybe consider couples therapy?also, i know some people who play the "i don't deserve you" card are setting their partner up for a breakup because they are over the relationship... and don't want to hurt their partners feelings. my fiance tried to pull that card with me before (which resulted in a month long break during our second year together) because he was scared because i was his first serious relationship.
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A
female
reader, LMnieves +, writes (30 October 2011):
For a second, i thought my boyfriend had found this website (because i use this website often) and decided to post a question about me! This pretty much sums me up! Except I think your girlfriend has it a lot worse than I do. These anti-depressants should be helping her. When I was taking them, it took alot of my personality away from me, and I stopped taking them, and was severly depressed, and kinda went through the same situation she is going through. I had to learn how to deal with my issues and depression on my own, and it was a really rough road. The best thing you can do, is be there for her. If she is feeling down, and constantly remind her how special she is. Constantly do things that show your appreciation. It may not work right off the bat, but you have to give her time. Her going online and taking photos of herself, shows that she feels like she has to be that way for her to be accepted, and when guys are like "damn girl! you sexy", it makes her have satification. Why don't we take the compliments from someone who cares for us the most? i dont know! Keep pushing her to see a theaprist or..a counseler to talk about her issues....she will be the same, her past will ALWAYS be with her, but...one day she will be able to deal with it in positive way. Sorry to hear about your situation, i hope things get better!
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