A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi guys.a few nights ago, my girlfriend came home after spending the night with one of her friends. she texted me "heeey" with a smiley face to let me know she was back. and i replied in about 10 seconds or so. then she disappeared for over and a half. she has a habit of doing this and this is the problem. i got upset about it b/c it bugs me when she texts me and then i reply as soon as i see the text and then POOF! she's GONE. and i have to wait AGES for a reply/for her to get back. she said that she does things around the house and what not and that she has a life at home with her parents and she's not going to just sit there messaging me. i told her how irritating that is for me for her to just disappear after essentially initiating a conversation with me. i've told her hundreds of times that she could easily say something like "brb. i have to go do something" right before she goes off, to let me know ahead of time but she is too stubborn when it comes to this and she doesn't want to do that b/c she doesn't feel the need to... i told her to prevent future problems, to let me know when she's going to be gone after a text so i don't have to wait hours for a reply and i'll know what's going on. anyhow, she's been upset with me the past few days b/c of this and she doesn't want to talk to me. she's not her usual happy, cute self. all b/c i got annoyed with her ways... ANY ADVICE OR INSIGHT INTO WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT SHOULD I DO? i would really appreciate your help and opinions
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 " If the poster was leaving messages on her answer machine and she failed to get back for a day or two would that be acceptable ?"
In terms of etiquette, certainly yes. One or two days is perfectly acceptable. Unless it is time sensitive, of course ( " Are you coming to dinner tonight at 9 ? " ), one or two days is just fine for social ( not work related ) calls. The idea being that the person called needs to call back at her earliest convenience, i.e. reasonably ASAP of course, but without , say, choking on her dinner , or dashing to return calls the very moment she's back from work.
Courtesy ,and respect, also consist in realizing that people , no matter how close, aren't on this earth just to cater to our wants and needs, and letting them breathe and take care of other stuff they may need to take care , beside our requests.
Of course, I realize that a phone call between two lovebirds is not exactly just a social call, and the point would be that they both should be eager to talk to each other , right ? I realize that - but the OP is not talking about days , he's talking about HOURS, even MINUTES ! Plus, there's people who can care, be in love, be smitten even- without anxiety. They are so secure in their love, and in their , and the other person's, feelings, that they know a few hours later that love will still be there and won't be questioned if they return a call or e-mail or text a few hours later.
In love, eager is great- needy , not so much.
As for your colleagues nailed to their cellphone 24/7- I must say a ) that you are a lucky person for working in such a relaxed environment b ) that's surprising any work gets done in time.
Where I live ( supposedly laid back, lazyass Italy ) the general policy is NO cell phones on during worktime in schools, colleges, public offices ( depending from State or Municipal administration ) , banks etc.
Why, even in the acting school I attended in New York, which was, not surprisingly, one of the most laid back study/work environment you can imagine, keeping your cell phone on, or being caight checking your messages, in class would get you kicked you out of class pronto .
So, contrariously to what may SEEM, no, there's still a lot of places where people , voluntarily or less so, uses cellphones and texting in the reasonable, unobtrusive way they were invented for.
A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 OP:
I think you need to find something to do when you aren't physically with your girlfriend.
Texting may be a form of communication, but it isn't a substitute for a phone call or a face-to-face convo. In fact, people text because they can't allocate 100% of their concentration to the person who they are communicating with.
Stop trying to conduct a conversation through text and learn to appreciate the times when you are with your girlfriend, or talking to her on the phone.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 August 2013):
 I agree that not answering a question is bad... BUT
if the text is "hey I'm home safe" or something like that... all it requires is an acknowledgement if anything and then ONLY if a question is asked does it require a response.
a text like this:
"got home same"
gets
"glad to hear it"
and that requires NOTHING in return.
so unless he's asked TIME SENSITIVE questions.. I think THE OP has succumbed to the need for constant feedback... it's the one thing technology is destroying.. patience.. and that slow gradual building of a relationship.. everything is rush rush rush now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): Going to disagree with most of the posters. Texting is a very important way of communicating and for a lot of younger people is the MAIN way of communicating. I know that several of the young women that I work with, have their phones with them 24/7. I know that in my last relationship when I was doing my accounts I was horrified to find that I'd spent almost £300 over 5 months on my phone (all texts!), that equates to about 6000 texts!If the poster was leaving messages on her answer machine and she failed to get back to him for a day or two would that be acceptable?I think you need to sit down with your partner and explain how this makes you feel and listen to how you make her feel. It sounds like you have different views about this, but the only way to try to resolve the issue is to talk about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): Thoigh I agree that texting was invented to communicate in case of need, such as I can't talk right now I am at the meeting, but it became a form of communication very fast. And if it is a form of communication the conversation should go on until both parties re aware that it's over.
Not to answer a question is rude, if you can't answer call have a little conversation. My friend does it all the time, she lets me hanging there waiting for her answers when I need to know for example when we are going to meet. It's very irritating, and when I call she doesn't answer.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 August 2013):
 I have a radical idea. Stop texting each other. Yep. No more texts. Email or phone calls only.
Put that into practice tomorrow and see if your anxiety level drops.
It sounds like you sit around waiting for her to text you back. You know that she's not good at responding immediately, so why are you getting so wound up? You were expecting her to change? Maybe she's expecting you to change?
So, in order to promote harmony in the relationship, remove the source of the conflict. Don't text her any more.
I expect you'll experience a feeling of relief followed by an epiphany. What that epiphany may be, well, that would be spoiling the surprise. So you go ahead and find out what that might be. :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 August 2013):
@ Shawncaff :objection Your Honour. The " stay connected 24/7 " mode IS ( alas ) a way of communication FOR KIDS ( and not all of them ). I don't know if the OP, with his 22-25 age range, still qualifies as such - maybe, since apparently adulthood is pushed forward later and later , and even newspapers some times , talking about someone well in their 30s, define them " a girl " or " a boy ".
But, as far as I can see, most adults , including YOUNG adults, , even when not sticking to the spare, austere use of texts I recommend :), yet have absorbed the notion that ANY use of communication must abide by some non- neurotic , non-compulsive guidelines of manners, opportunity, and common sense.
I should not presume and I should not expect, to change the OP's communication patterns and preferences ? Fine,- then he should not presume and expect to change his gf's communication patterns. He should be able to text as much or as often or as little as he likes ?....Fine, that goes for his gf too , though. If she is not an instant texter, and prefers to have a life rather than texting 24/7 on demand, ... she should not be pressured to do so, in order to show her love or interest or concern .
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 I agree with CindyCares. You cannot conduct a relationship or even a conversation through text messages (been there, done that). Take her at her word when she says she's busy. Though she may actually be avoidant of your over-use of text messaging as a means of communication - it's lazy and open to misinterpretation.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (27 August 2013):
 I think those who take the side of your gf don't understand the role texting plays in today's society. It IS a form of communication. Whether it should be or shouldn't is beyond the point--it IS. This is how people communicate. Of course it is better to talk, or even write, but this is what today's youth do.
That being said, I think you are right in wondering about your gf's texting habits. It is annoying. The question is whether she does this with talking on the phone as well. Does she give you her full attention then?
Maybe she also views texting differently from you. To her it may be a flirtatious little ping, while to you it is a form of communication.
At any rate, you are right to be bothered, and you are right to want an answer. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 August 2013):
my last text message was "i'm in the lobby" to a co-worker I was meeting for lunch
before that it was "do you need me to take care of your cat?" to a friend who is out of town... her reply "no" was all that was needed...
text messages are SHORT MESSAGES to impart information NOT have a relationship with.
John and Abigail Adams are spinning in their graves.... they conducted MOST of their marriage via SNAIL MAIL across the OCEAN... their correspondence is part of American history it was so intense.
what's going on is she's backing down from being involved with you because you are demanding that she be something and someone she is not to satisfy your needs.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 August 2013):
 I agree with Cindy.
It's (pardon my English) but FUCKED UP when you think you can carry on a relationship through texting.
If you want to talk, CALL her or set up a "date" or meet up and TALK.
I know it's the norm for your generation, but chill a little. She is your GF not your child, she shouldn't HAVE to check in with you constantly. It actually comes off a controlling and clingy. That might not be what you intend, but it might be how she sees it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): I agree that sitting there expecting to have drawn out conversations through text is tedious, impractical and yes, a bit immature, if it's just a text to say hello- then don't expect her to jump to the phone. Unless someone has absolutely no life, they're not going to spend their time like this. It's tedious, if you want to chat with someone give them a buzz on the phone.A couple of years ago I had a bf who was mad on this- first thing I see on my phone in the morning is "morning Hun, how are you?" This guy lived in a tent and while he was a very sweet guy, I just felt sorry for him and ended it. Im sorry say it just comes across as childish and a turn off... HOWEVER if you ring her and she dismisses you or snubs you often, OR if the text is something important, then I would write her off as just not that much into you... It's downright rude way of hinting to someone. If you feel she mostly just don't want to talk to you, then end it- she's clearly not got the time of effort to put into a relationship, it might just be that rather than she's not into you.Use your best judgement. Good luck! :) xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): My goodness, why does she need to tell you she has something to do at all? She doesn't need to check in with you. That sounds controlling and smothering on your part. I wouldn't want a boyfriend like that. She has a life and has things to do.
I think you need to have more going on in your life as well besides sitting by your cell phone waiting for her to text you back. It all sounds so immature and totally ridiculous.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Dude, you sound like a little girl. Get a job or something so you are not constantly looking at your phone. If you were busier, you would better understand where she is coming from. If you were out with the boys playing soccer or basketball, would you stop the game every five minutes to answer a text? No, she'd probably have to wait a good couple of hours to hear back from you. When she doesn't answer she's probably at home, grooming herself, painting her toenails, helping her mom carry groceries in, and her phone is probably in her room charging and she can't even hear that she got a text.I personally hate texting back and forth all the time. I do this myself, I don't answer my boyfriend's texts right away all the time cause I am busy and he understands this, without me having to explain it and has never given me a hard time about it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 August 2013):
... Pardon me, but it serves you well for making such an inappropriate , invasive and intrusive use of text messaging. Text is not a proper way to have a real conversation, for that you set apart a specific time and see your girl in person, or CALL her. Text is for saying " pick you up at 7 " or " running 15 minutes late " or something like that. You can't expect people to live chained to their cellphones, and/ or always be available to chat 24/7. Unless it's something urgent and/or time sensitive, she does not have to answer within 10 seconds, or minutes, - it's normal and implied she'll do it at her earliest convenience. When she can comfortably do it without interrupting or postponing other stuff, which does not need to be : researching the cure for cancer. It might just be , waiting she has finished a conversation with her mother, father or roommate, it's extremely rude to whip out your cell phone and text B while you are talking to A in person. She may be cooking dinner, showering, studying, or just painting her nails. As she says, she's got a LIFE and she neither can nor want ( nor SHOULD want to )drop everything just because you feel like pulling her sleeve for attention.
Don't sit there waiting with bathed breath that she answers, and counting the minutes- assume that she'll answer right away if there's something urgent, - otherwise she'll only do it when she comfortably can, as a sensible person would.
If you've got nothing particular to say, but just want the pleasure and comfort of a nice comfy chat with your GF ( nothing wrong with that ) then just pick up that phone nad CALL her, if she has time to shoot the breeze she'll be glad to, otherrwise she can say call me back later, or I'll call you after dinner or whatnot.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2013):
 If this happened "occasionally" or "once in a while" I would agree with several of the others, here, that you were being a little too "needy-sounding". However....
You indicate that it has happened "hundreds of times".... and I think that is just, downright, impolite (of her).
IF she refuses to accomodate you in some manner that indicates that she assigns some "value" ... as a PERSON, NOT (just) a "boyfriend".... then I think you would be justified to dump her non-communicating a**, and get a new girlfriend...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Seriously, you need to relax and stop being so needy. You pull that crap with me I would drop you like a bad habit after a while. I think text messaging is a great thing to have, but for cripes sake I have other things to do then that all day long. You should know her style by now, so there is no reason to be getting bent out of shape over it. If you want to carry on a conversation with text messaging, start hanging out with young teenagers. If you want to carry on a conversation like an adult, then call her on the phone when you are both free and make plans to get together. You need to back off and find something else to do with your time while you are apart or you are going to lose her. That's what you should do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): I think u need to get a grip and realise people don't carry their phones on them all day every day!! Like she told u.. She has a life. Keep going the way u are and she'll tell u where to go! Infact I would have already!
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (27 August 2013):
 I think she is trying to control the situation with her little games. If she takes long to reply to your msgs... try making her wait a day before you respond! And I mean a day! If she wants to go down the route of being too busy to respond then play it back.
Also being upset coz you raised an issue which bothers you.. that's also another play! Don't give in to this behavior...it will only worsen if pandered to! Tell her to let you know when she feels like being friendly again... then wait!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): From now on, when you send her a text, do not expect or assume a reply....ever. If you REALLY want an answer quickly, RING her. Otherwise, expect or assume, you will hear back in the next 24 hours. Her texting habit is different to yours, it doesn't mean she is right or you are right, they are just different. From now on, you don't have to keep your phone with you all the time, and you don't have to reply to texts as soon as you get them, rather, you can put your phone somewhere and forget about it for an hour or two while you get carried away with 'life'...then when you think about it, you can check your phone and reply to any messages..... It feels so much better not to be a slave to the mobile phone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): You need to cool down, and let her breathe...You can't control her, and her actions. You are putting her 1st above all else, which is good, but you are taking it to another level and it will get unhealthy. When you are able to respond to her sms's within 10 sec, great, but when you can't, she will wait. You need to do the same. She got home and let you know she was there with the "hey" and a smiley. It did not mean she was ready for a marathon of to and fro sms's with you. She probably needed to greet her family, get changed, her make-up off, etc. all those rituals we all have. Probably get herself organised for the next day, etc. When she SEES you, I'm sure she gives you the necessary attention you deserve, and doesn't sit sms'ing someone else either, right? Same goes for when she is at home. Sometimes she may need it, other times she may be down and wants to be comforted, other times she may be happy with good news and wants to share, but every day, every time you send an sms, you can't expect immediate responses. Also, when you don't, you can't call her on it and make things much worse.You will have such a different response if you 1) Apologise for what you have said regarding this topic in the past, and that you will give her the necessary space and time for her life, as you know we all need balance.2) You will respect her boundaries, and when she is available to chat you will appreciate and enjoy it, and when she can't, you will carry on with your own life, before you met her - surely you have your own interests? computer? friends? hobbies? sport? tv? something, anything until she is also available to chat on sms?3) You will give her freedom to respond when she can. If you give her freedom on this, she will WANT to call you instead of being FORCED to do it. It's like love. YOu can't force it, and you can't force someone to love you.I am like you - the minute my bf sends me ANYTHING, big or small, I respond immediately if I am free, or I will make myself free, to respond because I love hearing from him. However, if I am in a meeting, or at a course, or with family, or doing something where I can't chat, I will only respond when I can and he does not berate me for that. He does not discipline me or get upset or cross with me for taking long or longer or half day or a full day before I return an sms. The same with me - if I sms him early in the day and he only gets back to me later that day, then I know he was busy. He then calls or responds and gives me full attention, gives me an update what he was up to, and we catch up each other's news.You need to give her space otherwise you will push her away with controlling behaviour.Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): I have the same problem with my own boyfriend, ive learned not to reply straightaway! He takes 20 mins sometimes to reply and its quite irritating! If she doesnt reply,just go about your own business! Wait for her to reply again to you! :)
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A
female
reader, Thetruthisugly +, writes (27 August 2013):
 Well I agree with your girlfriend that's the way she is!! you seem to have insecurities if you don't get a response. Maybe its you that has the problem.
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