A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I would like some opinions on this topic. This is an area I've never treaded into before and would like some perspectives. I've had a friends with benefits relationship for the past 5 months. We have a bit of a different style relationship than I've ever had. We are super close friends who also have sex. So we spend a lot of time together. But there's no strings attached and we can also sleep with whomever else we want. She has slept with others and I have, too, a time or two since we began this. There's never been any hard feelings. Well, potentially until now.My question is about something that happened the other day that threw me for a loop. She happened to have met a fairly good friend of mine on a night out by coincidence a couple of weeks back. This friend of mine knew of my "relationship" with my friends with benefits, yet still proceeded to sleep with her that night. I found out because my friends with benefits told me. I'm not mad at her. She can do what she wants. However, I'm a bit mad at my friend at the moment. I'm not jealous of the sex. I just feel a bit stabbed in the back. Even though we aren't in a relationship, my friend still knew I had been sleeping with her for a long time. To me, that's completely off limits and were the roles reversed, I wouldn't have gone for anyone she was sleeping with. Regardless of their status. So my question is simply this? Do I have a right to be mad at my friend for this? Or do I just let it be bygones? Things are totally normal on the home front with the friends with benefits. It didn't effect us at all. So I guess I'm trying to figure out if this anger I feel at my friend really is founded. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2016): Her sleeping with your friend and you not hassling her IS one of the benefits.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 March 2016):
 No, you dont have the right to be angry, because you did not have the right in the first place to say who gets to sleep with whom. No one were in exclusive relationships and when you haven't gone exclusive it does not matter if your friend knew about it or not. Your friend knew, but also knew it was not exclusive! What form of mixed message are you sending here? Your FWB gets to sleep with everyone she likes, but your friends, who you have no sexual relationship with whatso ever, need to follow your rules for who they can sleep with or not?
Either you tell your FWB who she can sleep with or not, or you make it exclusive. Your friend, in my opinion, is not to blame for your blurred lines with your FWB. As far as your friend knew, the light was green and as far as your FWB knew it was okay!
You ARE the jealous type. The only reason you care about this is because you KNOW this person who your FWB slept with. It's no different from everyone else she sleeps with, only that you don't know all these other people. So you can't picture it and it's something you can force to the back of your mind, but your friend is closer to home, so you can't forget about it so easily. But you are upset because you are jealous and you want your FWB for yourself in an exclusive relationship.
So, here's my advice. Either you accept that FWB doesn't give you any right to dictate who sleeps with whom, and need to accept that your FWB is open for grabbings by friends of yours as well. OR, you talk to your FWB and make the sex exclusive just between the two of you.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (16 March 2016):
So it’s no strings until you don’t like the person she chooses to sleep with is it? Okay, so you’re not mad at her (which makes little sense really), but she now has to deal with the fact that there is some division between you and your friend. Maybe there are a few more strings than you realise. FWB arrangements never work. As for your friend, perhaps he should have had the common sense to realise that it might be a bit too close to home and maybe you’re not so unreasonable to be a bit annoyed, but again I think you should be equally so at the FWB (one suspects you’ve let her off the hook because you’re too in to the sex). But although you might be a bit disappointed in him, you don’t have a right to complain. He may have assumed you wouldn’t care. She may have felt that there was no ‘friends off limits’ rule to this arrangement. When people say ‘no strings,’ they mean that they are enjoying a sexual relationship that they have failed to define. Unfortunately everyone will therefore make up their own, unspoken rules.
You’re still enjoying your FWB arrangement, so don’t spoil a friendship over it. Talk to your friend and make up. Friendships last a lot longer than casual flings.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (16 March 2016):
Hi. I have never done the friends with benefits thing, it isn't for me so it is hard to advise with a head that understands from your perspective, although I think if two people are happy with such an arrangement fair enough.From my perspective though, I would say its 'understandable that you are annoyed with your make friend. It is a little out of order that he didn't consider how you might feel and that its a bit close to home... This doesn't mean feelings as in jealousy, but just lack of regard for the whole situation and impact of you knowing you'd share a sexual partner. That said if your fwb knew you were friends it's only fair you are equally annoyed with her though surely? Do you have right or are justified to feel angry more than just a bit annoyed? Perhaps not, given your fwb agreement
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 March 2016):
 I agree with Cindy.
You can and can't really get upset.
You friend (male) knows that it JUST a FWB you have with the friend (female) so he presumed it's not serious or... exclusive. You even said it's not exclusive - which means..
SHE can screw whomever, and HE can screw whomever.
FWB things can get murky, because it to an extend "feels" like a relationship but really... it isn't. It's not even a real friendship any more for most. Some have an "exclusivity agreement" in FWB which means they don't sleep with anyone else - in your case that isn't so.
She isn't "yours". She isn't off limits. Neither is he.
If you don't like the idea of another man sleeping with her, maybe reconsider the arrangement. Whether that man is a friend or stranger. There IS a reason this bothered you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 March 2016):
 Yes and not.
I mean, I think your reaction is pretty natural and normal , the instinct of possess is quite radicated in most people. I find myself very annoyed when I go for my morning coffee break and I found that MY usual table is occupied by another customer. It is irrational, - but it bothers me nonetheless :)
Technically , though, FWBs are fair game for everybody. Your FWB is , for all intents and purposes, a single ,free agent like any other single girl your platonic friend may happen to meet. You and your FWB not only do not have a committment , but also are not supposed , at least in theory, to feel any particular romantic, emotional atatchment or special bond. As you say yourself, you are just two good friends that every now and then have sex together, as a recreational activity , on par of, say, going shopping together.
Now, would have you been shocked and upset in finding out that your friend had dared to take your FWB window shopping , or for a cup of coffee ?...Probably not,unless you are exceedingly territorial. It's just two friends of yours killing time together. Only, they killed time in bed instead that at the mall or at Starbucks.
That , in her place, you would have abstained from a similar move, is probably a credit to your tact and delicacy of feelings, but while you can wish that other people would feel the same as you, in practice you can't demand it or expect it . Particularly when the FWB is a recent, not consolidated thing. Sorry to contraddict you, but 5 months of casual sex is not " a lot of time " by any standard , it cannot even command the consideration that a long standing habit would.
I also find a bit curious that you are mad at your friend but not at your FWB. The breach of sexual etiquette, if such it was, applies to her too. As your friend knew that you have been sleeping with this girl, this girl too knew , I suppose ?, that her new sex partner was a friends of yours.
So it turns out that your sexual good friend can sleep whomever she wants, while instead your platonic good friend
needs your permission first. Not really fair :).
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