A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I posted last week but would appreciate some further advice. I don't have much dating experience especially post-school and I think I'm having a hard time. I've been on 6-7 days with a wonderful guy and we have an amazing connection. I thought we had plenty of potential. Well a little over a week ago we made out for the first time (I wasn't comfortable going further yet and he was very respectful). We even made plans. After that his communication went from constant to sparse in a flash. I don't understand because everything was great. Today is the first day we didn't talk at all. During the first few weeks he communicated so often it was almost clingy, but cute. But i appreciated he was sweet and genuine. He's an INFP personality type if that matters. He talked about all the things/places he wanted to take me. Even made plans for this weekend and now I'm not confident the plans will go through. I texted him yesterday afternoon and he responded promptly. We had a nice short convo. He does respond well when I initiate but he stopped initiating. I figured I'd give him space today. Did he lose interest? I feel like he's withdrawing because he dove in too fast. I don't need my SO to be a constant communicator but I'm disappointed because things changed so suddenly. He's usually quite transparent and even dorky/awkward. Definitely not the suave type. Thank you for your advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2016): Thank you for your advice. :)I know I decided not to reach out to him anymore but am considering sending a closure text. I'm ok with never knowing "why" and I'm ok with him never responding. It's really for myself. Right now I'm still just a bit hopeful and receptive to him but I think sending the last text will help me delete him and move on. What do you think of sending "hey. I haven't heard from you in awhile so just wanted to say thank you for our time together. You really made me smile :)"I think it implies that I'm thinking about him but doesn't come off as clingy of desperate. Although I don't know how he'll interpret it. If he does interpret is as something negative then he's not the right guy anyway. What do you all think? Better for myself to text or to leave him alone?Thank you
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 March 2016):
 Ah yes, disappearing acts are sort of common in online dating , plenty of people with a short attention span around :). Maybe, like I said before, it's easy even for a person with the best intentions to behave like the child at ToysRUs and feel a bit carried away,and overwhelmed by the IDEA of an abundance of choices, as if behind every corner, or at every new profile, there's a bigger better deal. Unless Cupid ( not the Dear one, the winged one ) shoots straight right off the bat, many potentially brilliant matches stay just... potential.
" But Cupid DID shoot straight right off the bat ! what happened then ? " Well, I have a theory. I don't know how sound it is, anyway that's my impression.
It's different when you meet people IRL, like at work, at school, or at a venue that you both patronize regularly etc.... It's more gradual, it feels more "normal ". I mean, generally when you go out on the first date you already know the person a bit, or know ABOUT him, or know mutual acquaintances, or you have seen him around town, stuff like that. But on line... on line there is the surprise element which is always exciting. It's a bit like opening Easter chocolate eggs with a suprise inside. Inside there will be, say, a fake diamond ring, which would not have attracted your attention if you had seen it the jewelry section in an " all 99 cents " store , but now the particular occasion and circumstamces instead make you EXCITED about your fake diamond. Because it's new and pretty and unexpected, and you could also have found , say, a plastic frog inside .
Again, the enthusiasm is real... but it may hard to sustain it in time once the excitement of the " discovery " is gone.
That's why you are by no means the first girl who wrote us " He looked SO smitten, but... ". He WAS smitten, but smitten and gung-ho at the beginning is not a guarantee that he stays smitten. That, only time will tell.
As for him being honest and telling you... well, I guess it's difficult for him too, what exactly is he supposed to tell you ?
" I don't ever want to see you anymore and I'll never come out with you again " - but probably it's not even true !! Let's say that he got distracted temporarily, but you are still on his short list. You may call it keeping his options open, or keeping you on the back burner, ... and you do not have to like it nor to accept it- but, the fact remains that you met him on a dating site and on a dating site that's how the game is played. Unless, of course, there have been different agreements . But that's not your case, you are doing the casual dating thing, and , at least officially :) you agree and understand that you were not exclusive, with all that this entails.
If , instead , he had definitely decided to never see you again, yes, undoubtely the mature, polite, correct way to act would have been telling you " I am sorry but blah blah ": In theory. In practice, not to justify the cowards:), but to explain their difficulties , it's easier said than done. He says that, and you want to know the reason WHY, ... and often there's no real reason, it's just that "it seemed a good idea at the moment" but later on , not that much. And you get dragged into a stupid
" it's not you it's me " kind of conversation which leaves everybody frustrated and embarassed . Very unplesant , and many people prefer that you get the hint... from their silence.
Btw, it's a long while that I have got nothing to do with dating sites, but I get the general feeling that the
" rules " have changed and " ghosting " people is acceptable, or at least accepted as a ... professional hazard . The assumption , which lacks sensitivity but not logic, is that you do not need to tell people you are not interested in them ; if they don't hear from you for a while they can figure it out.
You bring up the fact that you did not want to get intimate yet and this might have turned him off... well, yes, it's a possibility too. Although, if he had waited for 7 dates to make out a little, he seems a patient type, so probably it wasn't that .
But you can't exclude it. The problem , again, is expectations- and directing movies in your head where people fit the plot and the role you gave them :)
Like, this is a sweet, dorky, awkward introvert,...a sort of Paul Rudd or Matthew Perry in some rom-com , right ? So he can't be just in seek of cheap thrills , otherwise the movie makes no sense !:)
Well, there are also dorky , awkward guys that are horny and want to get laid without too many ceremonies, and for doing that they need more an outgoing, adventurous, very sexual "spur of the moment " type , rather than an unexperienced, conservative girl that wants to take things slow .
Just saying. I don't think this was the case. But just to warn you, careful to let your wishful thinking and unfulfilled needs decide that X is so this and so that, and he's just what the doctor ordered for you. You don't really know, you have no idea yet. 7 dates is already something, but ... it's still a bunch of hours. It takes more time for people to show what they really are about . In the meantime, try to not get too prematurely attached and not to give your heart away without even really knowing WHO is getting it.
Anyway- your plan sounds very sensible. You just have to decide what to do if he turns up again ( since his brand of casual may be TOO casual for your tastes - but this is something it could be negotiated, I guess ). And how long it is reasonable for you to wait that he reaches out. After that , move on with no regrets . You know, you have to kiss a few frogs before etc.etc. And if you felt all this potential, but unilaterally- then it means that there was really NO potential, it was just an illusion and would not have brought you joy.
P.S : I don't know about Myers-Briggs... I took that test 3 times, and every time a different result come out !Maybe , I have multiple personalities :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2016): OP here. Thank you for your further advice. :)
I do agree and understand he has the right to keep talking to others, after all that's what I'm doing on the dating site. We're not exclusive yet.
I'm just disappointed he disappeared without saying anything. He did reach out a couple times before disappearing although I initiated more. After 7 wonderful dates and healthy daily conversation, i felt it would be decent if was upfront about where he thought this is/is not going. He was smiling like an idiot in love on our last date, even when saying goodbye. Is this disappearing act common in dating or online dating? Frankly I have very little experience and therefore a ton of questions.
When I reached out, he responded friendly and usually timely, even with questions. Is he just being nice and avoiding conflict? His Myers Briggs personality type does mention he avoids conflict (although i understand these things are only common generalizations). Why not just ignore me?
Also, is it possible he realized I'm not his type or we aren't looking for the same things because I didn't want to go further ohyscially? Since his change of behavior was sudden and not gradual.
I won't contact him again. I believe if he's still interested he will reach out. if he does I will be open to it but I think it's safe to assume it's time to move on. I know we can only assume as you said... But would greatly appreciate your input. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 March 2016):
Ah the joys of Internet dating ! :)
If he is updating his profile, I guess he is still looking around ( which, technically, he is entitled to do )
It seems it is a problem of expectations. Since the dates went well, you had assumed you had sealed the deal and you were an item already, while apparently you have been shortlisted but the run is still open.
Internet dating is not for the faint of heart and for those who hate competition. Because it is, basically, all about competition.
You are disappointed because he did not look like a player, he was not typically smooth and suave.
I think ( of course it's just a guess ) that you were right, he did not mean to play you. Only, precisely because he is not that smooth , suave and a ladykiller, he may be
a case of " kid at ToysRUs ". Have you ever taken a 5 y.o. in a toy shop to choose his birthday gift ? It's quite an enterprise. He'll see an action figure , say Powers Rangers (just to name one, although they may have gone out of fashion now ) and he will be " WOW ! Power Rangers ! Awesome ! Fantastic ! I want that ! " Then, on your way to the cash registers, his eye will be caught by a toy drum set and he'll go " Yes, drums ! I am gonna be a drummer ! let's get that one instead ". Ok, drums will be . But, few minutes later, his eye will be caught by another toy and so on and so forth...
What I mean is that , he did not feign his enthusiasm for you, he really felt it in the moment. But being in such a beautiful shop all full of new enticing shiny objects, ... he does not know how to choose, the choices are ( virtually- in practice is all another story ) infinite.
Same as eevntually is the 5 years old kid 's parent who gets tired and chooses for him, I think you have to decide for yourself how YOU are going to handle this and what you want to do, not just wait passively for what he wants to do.
There are different way to play this and I can't say that one is better than another, it depends from your situation, your wishes and your personality.
You can accept that this is a common, annoying by- product of online dating, and just sit pretty calm, secure that he will be back, and do your thing while you let him do his thing.
You can decide that he is not interested enough for your tastes and you want a man that after 7 dates has made up is mind and chosen you, no ifs and buts,- and cancel him from your menu.
You can talk to him, and say that keeping things so fluid and casual for a long time is not the right M.O. for you, so you would like , if not being exclusive yet, at least to hang out more often and more regularly so that you can get to know each other better.
You can, as suggested in our posts before, ... not do anything yet and just see what happens and take it from there, because after all , it's still very early for drawing any firm conclusions and as of now all that we can do, both you and us, is guesswork.
The important thing is that you decide what YOU want ( or at least what you can live with ) rather than just tryng to guesswork.
Are you OK with letting him some more time ... even to check out the dating scene ? That's like standard procedure now, but there ARE women ( and men ) to whom the very idea of multiple dating gives the creeps, so if you are among them, speak up , tell it like it is.
Do you want someone who is VERY present in your life, very attentive no matter what ? ( Then maybe this is not the right person for you .... ) And would you want him just because that's your preference in personality and dating style.... or perhaps because you are an anxious type who needs constant reassurance and lots of attention to feel good about herself ?
And, do you really like this guy as a person , or did you like they way he acted ?( Yes, there is a difference ) Like, his being sweet and romantic and lavish with texts ? Do you still like him as much also now that the texts have become sparse and would you still like him a lot if they stayed sparse ?...
We could go on forever, but I hope you got my point :
you cannot read his mind , ... but you can read your own
( and choose accordingly ).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2016): I'm the OP. Thank you all for your advice. I can definitely overthink things and it's helped me see the bigger picture.
Unfortunately it's been two full days now without communication. I should've specified that we didn't set a day and time for our date. We know he's busy Friday and I'm busy Saturday so that leaves Sunday. But that's just assuming.
Also yesterday I saw he uploaded new photos to his online dating profile that night. I know it's only been 7 dates, and two days without communication. But it hurts that he would rather update his dating profile than making any effort to me. It's awfully confusing. Every date and communication has been amazing up until now.
Is it too early to give up? How long should I wait before assuming it's over?
Thank you all again. It helps more than you know. :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 March 2016):
 I agree - WAY too early to worry.
Go in the date and enjoy yourselves over the week-end. And don't overthink things. I believe if he wasn't interested in you he would either have ignored your text or cancelled the date, he did neither.
Taking it slow is not a bad thing. I actually think you NEED to go slow, specially since you weren't comfortable with TOO much intimacy just yet. So GET to know him, let him get to know you - there is no rush.
Not being ready is ONLY a problem if he was JUST looking for sex. I think he is looking for more than that and I think his actions has proved it.
Relax and enjoy the courtship!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 March 2016):
Too early to get upset :). You say that you do not need a constant communicator, but .. it's not totally true, if after the first and only day of no communication you are already wringing your hands. Wait and see what happens. You do not know him, and of him and his life, to know if less communication comes from a loss of interest , or any other reason.
I admit that it sounds a bit of a sinister coincidence that he sort of disappeared from the radar as soon as you made out. But maybe not too sinister.
Since he is a transparent type, what's possibly happening is transparent too:
at the beginning he layed it on a bit thick and showed you a lot of attention and pursued you relentlessly, exactly because he is not smooth and suave. He was not sure he could "get " you, he was not sure he could seal the deal with you, so to speak, so he felt he had to make a lot of effort and keep your attention constantly engaged.
When he realized that you were fully and enthusiasticaly on board,... he thought now he can relax and attend to other stuff, even if he does not pull your sleeve he knows he's got your attention anyway.
This is not as bad and callous as it sounds. It would be callous and a typical jerk move if it was done intentionally and consciously, as a bait-and-switch.
But , as a matter of fact, we all tend to do that a bit subconsciously : It just comes natural. We put on the most colorful feathers for the mating dance. Because we want to impress, to seduce, to be chosen among competitors. Once we have been chosen, ... things tend to become less intense.
I mean, I don't know about you, but generally a woman will put on the Ritz on the first dates : whether she is the girl next door type or a badass rocker girl, according to her style and wardrobe anyway she will chose the best items, the things more likely to entice and to make an impression, whether it be a push up bra and fake eyelashes, or her best Sunday dress for church. But then, after a while, she will get confident enough to spend time with her guy without special preparations, in her jeans and T- shirt ( hopefully, without rollers and cold cream on, though :).
So his cooling down does not necessarily means that he does not want you anymore - maybe,in fact, that he just feels more secure that your " thing " will proceed for the best.
As for his withdrawing a bit because he felt he dove in too fast- if it is so, it's not a negative. It's a wise move. It's not smart to go too fast, it makes you crash and burn. If one realizes he / she is going too fast , and making promises / committments which are premature or unrealistic at that stage, - it's not a bad thing to pull back a bit and retrace a more manageable course.
In short , do not fret YET. Stop initiating convos every time, and see if he catches up with you. See if he confirms your weekend plans , without being prodded and with reasonable notice,- or if he flakes out on you last minute . This type of things.
Don't jump to conclusions just yet, you do not have enough to base them on. You need some more time of careful ( but relaxed, possibly ) observation.
Of course, it's a fine line between letting people enough time to show who they really are ,regardless of their " potential " ( which in these cases just means the illusion and fantasies you have about someone without not nearly enough evidence to justify them :) .... and letting people stringing you along and flaking out on you indefinitely in the hope of improbable changes.
But I am confident that, although not very experienced, you'll have enough intuition and enough self esteem to not cross that line.
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A
female
reader, Fari  +, writes (16 March 2016):
 I think you guys need to take it slow. As you said, he may realised that he dove in to quick and now he is backing out which neeednt be so. All you two need to do is to treat the relationship as a friendship. This one wihh have more benefits if and when you reach the next level. Its good that you are initiating , however,try not to communicate everyday. Give him a bit of space sometimes and let him choose to call you. All the best
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (16 March 2016):
I think you need to just take your time. Don't jump in or judge too quickly.
He might be holding back cuz he thinks he is jumping in too quickly. You never know. And it's too soon to tell. It's just a week.
I suggest you take it slow and see where it leads. Keep an open mind and see what happens.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, lawncare +, writes (16 March 2016):
 Things sound pretty normal here, poster. You've been on a handful of dates, he's still communicating regularly and openly and he is still on-track for weekend plans. Sounds good!Maybe there's a resettling into his routine after the heady days of getting to know someone. In truth, I am doing that right now - I fell for someone, and in doing so I started to neglect aspects of my work because I've been so dreamy. I feel fairly confident that in lieu of any major red flags that this all very normal and healthy. Maybe a quiet word? Doesn't even need to be 'we need to have a talk', just playfully dropped in when you see him. Perhaps your inexperience is speaking and you're looking for more reassurance than you would like to think you do. Just hold on, follow through with plans, keep being you, don't let your head think things that haven't been explicitly stated, and you should be ok.
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