A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm probably going to get alot of backlashwith what i'm about to write so I want youto read this post properly.I have been mates with this girl forabout 10 years. In that time she hashas 2 children that were accidents 1 ofwhich I'm godmother to. I have alwaystried to help her out money wise when Icould until I realisesd that her partner who is a complete waste of space was takingadvantage of the situation. They would whingethey had no money - neither of them work and the live off the council! When Ifound out the money I was giving them wasbeing used for DVDs and takeout I stoppedhelping them out and I never said anythingas I didn't want to ruin my friendship,Now she tells me she is pregnant againand has left her bf. She is keeping the babyand her attitude towards me was "wellu hav another godchild now". I told her Ididn't support what she is doing and shewon't be able to cope-she can't handlethe 2 she has now! They are 2 very spoiltand rude kids.I just want to wash my hands of her. Iknow I don't sound like a good matebut it's not my responsibility to help her financially.If I knew how this would turn out Iwouldn't have agreed to be godmother to her 1st child.What do I do?
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female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (28 February 2010):
 God did you ever think that this is already part of manipulation? and why you're letting her to do that to you?look" there is a lot of way to scape. You must let her know that everything has a limit.and you must put also a bounderies in YOU,if you give your hand to help at least you already help. dont give all your body's. This is not anymore normal. if you cant say it infront of her there is another option, get out of that place, go far away from her, let her be responsible to her own child. You will be also in fault in the end if you dont stop helping her, because you are turning her to be lazy and iresponsable mother. and you will suffer all your life because she and the children will get used to your help. and later on if you have nothing anymore to give you will be the bad person in the end.Wake up dear, its not bad to help" but you are absulutetly NOT the responsible to the needs of the world. are you!??
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 February 2010):
You're a great girl, but this isn't your problem. Don't give another penny to her. Perhaps if she wasn't so liberal and was a bit more careful, she wouldn't be in this position.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Being good friends doesn't ever require babysitting or financial help, only good company, good advice and a shoulder to cry. It's completely up to you if you ever want to give her a shoulder to lean on when she's down and out. It's not your responsibility to help raise the kids she keeps popping out, just like it's noone else's responsibility to help raise the ten children a third world country's mother decides to have when she knows ahead of time there's no way to properly give them all the attention they need, thinking that the rest of the world should give her every bit of financial help. Isn't one child enough when they're that poor? What point are they trying to make other than make everyone else who supports them stupid and gullable. In the same regard, no matter who thinks you should support your friend when she decides to become a charity case, you have every right not to. Think of your own future as well, and how you might need alot of money and help with your own child one day. But then also have a heart and help when you think it's right to, because one day if you have a baby, you'll have the odd day where you wish you had alot more money for diapers and clothes and food, and everything else it takes to raise a child. Everything is very expensive for babies, so just remember to use reason when deciding when it's right to offer any help. If you want to give the odd "gift" here and there, that would be fine, as a friend. Being a godmother means you symbolize to your friend how to be a god-like mother, and do things right, for her child. How you apply that is your choice. Technically, the main expectation in Canada, in certain churches anyway, is that if something ever happened to your godchild's parent, you would be the one to kick in and be responsible for the welfare of the baby, and that parent is trusting that you would step up to the plate if it ever came to that. Did you two discuss anything like that before you decided to become a godparent? If you don't feel you can fulfill the duties of a godparent when need be, then be honest and up front with her about it, and tell her you no longer wish to be the godmother of her child.
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A
female
reader, jc82  +, writes (27 February 2010):
 You should be able to be a friend to her without accepting responsibility for her children or her financial woes. Friendships are supposed to be about listening/talking, providing emotional support, not about enabling someone to continue making stupid decisions. A person should NEVER expect to get money out of their friends, or childcare. Totally washing your hands of her might be a little rough, and it sounds like you would feel a certain amount of guilt doing that. So, don't. Tell her you can't help her with money anymore, and tell her you don't want to be a godmother again. Once is plenty. But, continue to talk to her and try to give her sound advice. Chances are, if she is really just using you, once the well runs dry she will stop communicating with you as often as she does now anyway. That's the way desperate people are. Don't feel bad about cutting her off financially, or about not accepting responsibility for her children. Those are unreasonable things for her to expect of you. And good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 February 2010):
 You could direct her to see your MP and apply for those grants and aids from the govt.
That's the least you can do.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (27 February 2010):
What you've been doing is called enabling - which is part of the problem. They need to fall on their face, pick themselves up and learn to be RESPONSIBLE adults. You're NOT helping them long term by solving their problems. Tough love... cut them off. She's CLEARLY not learning anything, he's learned he can sit on his ass, and get away with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): You dont have to be friends with everyone you know.
From what you have described, you have been taken advantage of. Now you can keep helping them and getting more and more angry... or you can do what i would do.
Sinply let her go, id cut contact with her and let her go her own way. I dont believe in being a doormat and I just hate people who are constantly asking favours.
Dont get me wrong, I love to help and have on many occasions given money and even helped several friends move. But it cant be constant. Help them when they are down, but if they dont get up then you have done all you can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): being godmother doesn't mean you have to splash out cashwise - if she hints or asks for money then simply say you cannot afford to give anymore. If she claims she needs money for food or clothes for the kids then show up at her place with a bag of "spare" food and clothes you got from a charity shop. If they are really in need then they will be grateful etc ... i'm pregnant with my first and i know i would be. I am gonna struggle however i will survice, my parents have got me loads of stuff but second hand to teach me the value of money and their help etc. I shouldn't expect it but am grateful when they do.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (27 February 2010):
 It sounds like your friend has taken advantage of the friendship. Which, friendship does go both ways. Ask yourself what kind of friend she has been to you. If you are the one giving and she is the one taking it sounds like the friendship might have been over long ago.
Don't stress yourself out. If you don't want to be friends with her, move on.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 February 2010):
 No, you are going to be applauded for your behavior. If you really want to lose a friend, let them "borrow" money from you. You don't have to buy you title as a godmother. You won't be a good godmother if you allow their mother to be irresponsible.
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