A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years. His drinking has been an issue in the past but not for the last year or so. He's not an alcoholic but when he does indulge he becomes irate very easily. He went out for drinks with his male coworkers today which made me nervous but he promised he'd behave. A couple hours had passed when I text him to find out when he'd be home because I wanted to get a hair cut but didn't want to bring our daughter along. He was already on his way home. I could tell as soon as he walked in that he had too much to drink and I decided not to get my hair cut because I didn't want to leave him with our daughter in the state he was in. I didn't make a big deal out of it but he got all upset saying I doubted him and has been in the bedroom pretty much since then. I know how he gets when he has one too many and didn't want to get into a huge fight over something so minor. I want to talk to him when he is sober and explain to him why this is not okay. Obviously he was not sober enough to leave him alone with our daughter as he's passed out in the bedroom now. Our daughter would be running around unattended, she's only 3. I almost want to tell him no more drinking without me but I am not his mother and shouldnt have to supervise him. But I feel like I can't trust him to go out with the guys because he doesn't know his limits. Then there's a part of me that feels like I shouldn't make a big deal over it because he really doesn't get to go out and let loose anymore. What are y'alls thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): You need to reach a compromise OP. Personally I feel you're annoyed because he doesn't respect the boundaries that you think he should, which is fine in a way but it's not working and won't work.
Look OP, in my opinion it would be best to understand when he cuts loose that he is going to be wreckless and he is going to get wasted, it's how he drinks and as long as he's not abusive or violent when he does so and it's not very often then let him do so.
I had an ex that was in a similar way to you. I wasn't alcoholic but I did like to smoke weed when I drank. Only really when I was on a night out and only on the weekends. She hated how I got when drinking and smoking. When drinking on its own I love to relax, mingle, talk to people etc. But add some weed to the drink and I would be wasted, laughing hysterically at nothing, sticking with others who are smoking it, dancing wildly and just talking utter nonsense and being a fun idiot. She was the reserved, quiet kind of drinker and found me embarrassing while like that.
So we came to a compromise, she understood that I was going to be like that when I drank, I just loved having a smoke too for me it really enhanced my night and helped me unwind way better. She then agreed to let me off and not nag about it as long as I didn't do so while the situation warranted me being chatty and a bit reserved, basically we compromised that I wouldn't smoke it until she was at least pretty drunk and in that own frame of mind herself.
OP you're judging him based on how you drink, we all drink differently you can't impose your drunken values on him, to you drinking is a social exercise, to loosen you up and you find that fun, to him drinking is about getting langers and that's what he finds fun. Stop expecting him to ever be able to live up to your style of drunkenness and just prepare a bit better for when he decides to drink.
You knew you couldn't go get your hair done while he was drunk, you knew from the moment you found out he was going for a drink that you'd have to take care of the little one as he'd be completely useless. You also knew that it would be pointless to give out to him or even mention that you wanted your hair cut as it would just start a fight.
What I'm saying is you could have worked around it, dropped your little one off at a friend or your parents place, went and got what you wanted to do that day knowing that he was having a day off in the sense that he was a free man for the day getting drunk and letting loose.
OP you say this doesn't happen every often and that you go out more often than he does. Cut him some slack here, stop expecting him to responsible on those days and try not to give him shit for ruining any plan you had when you know after 6 years what he's like he decides to drink.
You knew this would happen and you could have planned this a bit better yourself. He will never drink the way you want him to, he doesn't like drinking that way and he likes to get steamed. So next time just work around it, avoid conflict by not setting any responsibilities for that day.
I'm not saying let him do what he wants, or let him get wasted when he was supposed to do something important that day, I'm just saying let him blow off his steam, use your 6 years of knowledge of what he's like to help you avoid conflict by not giving him crap about something you wanted to do and just make other arrangements.
Op if he takes one day off to be useless a week and takes care of his business, you and your daughter all the other days then let him have that one day off. No responsibilities, no pressure, no expectation. Just a day to get as drunk as he likes and let loose.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (21 February 2013):
 I think your decision to wait til he’s sober to speak is very mature. Your fiancée needs to be more responsible with alcohol. If he can’t you need to split because that is immature and reckless
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 February 2013):
 An alcoholic doesn't necessarily drink every day. An alcoholic -- or even someone who has a problem drinking -- doesn't know when to say when. You dance around the subject in your post (you refer to his problem drinking in the past), but I suspect your boyfriend falls into the latter category.
What's going on here is that you are in denial about the extent of his problem. The fact that he drove home in the state that he was in shows that he could be legal hazard (DUI) to a liability (what if he was driving you or your daughter around). My guess is that he'd love to be drinking but knows you will be upset if he does. Also, I suspect that once you two are married, the "real" him will come out again. Peruse the posts here long enough and you'll see your story repeat itself over and over.
I do suggest talking with your fiancee and tell him your concerns. The two of you should take stock of his drinking history: was he drunk daily in the past? Has he had DUIs? Has he drunk when he didn't really want to? Can he control how much he drinks (1 and only one beer, for instance). Does he need alcohol to have a good time? And is he a role model for your child? If your discussion indicates that he has a problem that is lingering below the surface, he should seek help or completely abstain.
Under no circumstances should you marry this man until you feel confident with his lifestyle associated with his drinking. The fact that you are here writing this post, shows me you could be heading to a world of hurt in the future.
Problem drinking has wrecked countless marriages and cost many people their lives and livelihood -- whatever you do, don't let it ruin yours.
Eddie
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree that it wasn't the smartest idea to think I could get a hair cut after he'd been out for drinks. I'm not resentful of his going out, to be honest I get out more than he does. The difference is that if I say I'm going to have a couple drinks I stick to my word. Also, to clarify, this was not a guys night out. This was a random going out after work at 2pm. When he got home he told me that it'd be fine for me to go. I told him its okay I'll just go tomorrow. He got pissed and started cussing and saying he'd be fine with our daughter. I said I didn't want to fight about it but he kept carrying on. I asked him what he had to drink but he wouldn't answer. I gave up and he eventually went to bed. I've learned not to argue back when he's too drunk because it gets ugly. He doesn't hit me but he yells and just gets overly emotional over little things.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): Do you drink at all?
Some people who don't drink at all, often find someone even slightly buzzed behavior nerve racking. I drink sometimes, but can't stand when my husband has a few drinks and then then his speech becomes slurred. He doesn't get drunk much at all, but when hi talks like that it drives me nuts.
I don't think your fiancée is an alcoholic, but he is what we call likes his drink. As you said it yourself he doesn't do it much at all, I don't know what else he can do if not going out at all. I don't think it's really a big deal once in a blue moon have a drink or even get a little drunk. And don't plan leaving your child with anyone who drank even a bit, doesn't matter who it is.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2013):
 I think that scheduling a haircut after knowing he was going out with the boys was not smart even if he showed restraint on his drinking. Your daughter shouldn't be in the hands of anyone who isn't stone cold sober when she's a toddler. I don't blame him for that as he didn't just stumble in when you thought he was at some business meeting or something.
Unless he's going out every night or tanking out on drinks at home over and over, or his drinking isn't resulting in DUI's or damage to people or property, there's no big deal. If I know my husband is going out with the boys for some drinks, I pretty much know he's going to not be of much use when he gets home. He has a happy hour once per month or so, and it doesn't bother me, as I have fun nights myself.
Maybe if you're feeling resentful of his times out, you should schedule some of your own and arrange for your husband to be the one to stay home with your daughter.
You say he gets "irate"? Does that mean he comes home and gets abusive towards you for no reason? Or are you starting an argument about his drinking as he's coming home? Or does he just come home on a tear and is a belligerent drunk?
That is an issue you both need to address, because being drunk is no excuse for disgusting behavior. What if his getting drunk meant he was sleeping with other women? Being irate and tearing everyone to shreds while drunk is just as unacceptable and he should be just as accountable for ill treatment of you as he would be adultery.
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