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My fiance is a virgin but I've slept with 6 people and had an abortion. Do I need to tell him all this?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Health, Pregnancy, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 September 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 19 September 2018)
A female India age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi, I am engaged to a wonderful guy from the last 5 months, we are going to get married this December 2018,I came to know by investigation and inspection and his views and thoughts and actions, that he is a virgin and he is against premarital sex and this upsets me to the most, as i am not a virgin and i had been into relationships for 2 times and once i had an abortion and i had few one night stands,the total men with whom i slept or had physical relationships are 6 in number and i have not shared these information with him, as i think it will change the image and perception of mine in the views and eyes of my fiance. He is really good and kind hearted and very caring guy and i have started to like him.Shall i tell him the truth ?

View related questions: abortion, engaged, fiance, one night stand

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (19 September 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntAs long as you don't lie about it, you don't have to tell him about it either. If he asks, don't lie.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (19 September 2018):

N91 agony auntI don’t think it’s any of his business to be honest.

Your sexual past is nothing to do with anyone besides yourself. Unless of course, you have some kind of infection that can be passed on and is required by law to tell people.

Talking about sexual histories is a sure fire way to destroy relationships. The amount of posts we’ve seen on this website where couples discuss their past and it brings up jealousy is ridiculous. I have point blank refused to discuss mine with my GF. She has brought the topic up a few times and I’ve just said I won’t speak about it under any circumstances and changed the subject.

If he is so against pre marital sex then why didn’t he confirm you were a virgin before starting to date you? You shouldn’t HAVE to tell him anything, the mistake is on his part if he can’t deal with you not being a virgin, don’t be ashamed of your past because it might change how he sees you. The only way you would be in the wrong is if you lied about being a virgin and you haven’t mentioned that anywhere in your post so I don’t think that’s the case.

Keep it to yourself! He has no need or right to know.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (19 September 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntDon't tell him anything. You're starting a new life and while you've done nothing to be ashamed of, your fiance might not see it like that. The guys you've been involved with are probably living life unscathed and there's no reason why you should pay for something that was in the past. You haven't cheated, hence the is nothing to say.

You should know though that medically there is a chance that your doctor might know that you had an abortion. Was it performed safely? That's a very important question because that determines a lot of your reproductive health and your husband will obviously at some point and maybe sooner than later want to have a baby.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2018):

The chances are very high that you will want to have children together so unfortunately I think you have to disclose.

I don't think you need to disclose how many sexual partners, just the basic facts which are you are not a virgin and the abortion.

Be careful not to go into great detail as thus will cause greater problems. Hopefully he will accept your past and move forward with you.

Best of luck

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (19 September 2018):

mystiquek agony auntI will say straight off that secrets don't normally stay secret. Lies can turn into bigger lies. I guess you haven't lied you just haven't disclosed. Be aware that IF he should find out he will more than likely be very angry. People do not like to be deceived and in a sense you are deceiving him. You are portraying yourself as innocent and you are not sexually innocent.

What can you live with? If the situation were reversed would you want to know? We have had men on here that have found out after they married that their wife wasn't honest about her sexual past. It caused some serious problems in many of the relationships. I'm one for thinking you should be honest. How long will you have to live worrying and wondering if he finds out? All your life???

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 September 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntMy first thought was "NO! Don't tell him." But the problem with secrets is that they have a way of coming back to haunt us when we least expect it.

There is always the possibility, if you have to have medical treatment in the future, you will need to answer the question, "Have you ever been pregnant/had an abortion?" If your fiance is with you (for example, fertility treatment) when you are being asked this question, how will you answer?

Is there any chance any of your past partners might surface and tell your fiance or someone he knows about your past?

I think you need to weigh up how likely it is that your past will surface at some point. If you think the risk is minimal, my gut feeling would be to not share any of this with him or, at least, to play it down (admit to the relationships but omit the sex). However, if you think there is a high risk that he will find out via someone else, then you need to get in with your version (there will always be different versions of every story) and hope that he understands this is all in the past and that you are the person you are today because of your past.

Good luck. Wishing you all the best.

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