A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband has always been difficult. One moment supportive, the next very much not. Having had a dreadful year dealing with two cancers, radiotherapy and chemotherapy, to top it all my father has just died.Today has been very hard, Father's day in England, so I said to him that I didn't want to be alone and would like to go with him to see his Dad instead.My Dad's funeral is the day after tomorrow.He dismissed this curtly, saying he wanted to see his Dad by himself, preferred to go on his own and wanted some "me" time. I asked him whether he had told the other family members who were likely to be there, that he wanted to see his father by himself. Of course I realised there would be no such thing, there would be whoever in his clan wanted to be there.It is not the first time that he has been so hurtful. Other times he is nice. He came to view my Dad with me and have some last words. He wants to help with the catering.He tells me that I am over reacting. I feel gutted that he was so casually unkind to me today and I am not sure I will ever feel the same way again. It made me miss my Dad more than ever.Any word of wisdom? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear mystiquek, I send heartfelt condolences. Dad's are foundation stones and so very important.I personally would not be able to enjoy a gourmet supper if my husband had just experienced what I did on his first night after leaving hospital. Sitting across he dinner table from them with my staples showing would be out of the question. Being in the health care field WiseOwlE, you will be aware that I must still learning to eat again, which I am still after 6 months. I would have postponed at least, if it were me, not just gone the same day of my spouse's discharge from hospital.I really object to the idea that I prevent him from having "me" time because I simply do not. It has been really hard becoming something that my husband has to escape from, but I have recognised that he needs to recharge his batteries and let him get on and do it. I have explained that before and don't need to again, I hope?I didn't want to stop him seeing his Dad, I just asked to go. This time. Just this time. Everyone has ground zero moments and this was one. Can I not just ask you to accept it. Even grown women have them during major life events.I can see that his behaviour does not mean a lack of love, but a need to escape. It makes me realise though, that when the chips are really down, I can not open up and be vulnerable without the real possibility of rejection.Please pay particular attention when I tell you that I am not a person to make a fuss. All through my cancer journey I have been positive, balanced and determined to get better. My Dad dying tipped me and I needed to know I can count on my husband to stand shoulder to shoulder with me at key moments. I want to see me being prioritized when it counts, not all the time. I think I deserve it, but am starting to realise that I can't have what I want. I don't think I can look to him for help when times are the worst. I may just have to accept what he can give instead.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (16 June 2014):
 Thank you WiseOwl, that is very kind of you.
I hope you find the peace that you need, OP. Many people on here have responded trying to help you. You have been through so much. I truly hope that you will find the strength to get through everything that you are being subjected to right now in life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): My condolences Mystiquek for your loss!
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (16 June 2014):
I lost my father last Thanksgiving and this is the first Father's Day without him, so I know the pain you are feeling. I am sorry for your loss, losing a parent is so very difficult even though somewhere in the back of our minds as we get older we know that in the natural course of events that it is going to happen. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
Its a shame that your husband couldn't be a little bit more understanding and sympathetic with you, I am a very sensitive person and I would have been very hurt with his actions had that been me. I don't see why he couldn't have asked you to go along, but perhaps he just needed time away?? He could have been nicer about how he went about things but everyone deals with stress differently.
You have been having a very difficult time, that is for sure. I'm sorry. My life has been that way for the last 2 years so I truly understand that you just feel like cracking and breaking under all the stress. I do believe that your husband cares about you but things have been difficult for him as well, watching you go through cancer and some people just really aren't very good at making others feel better when tragedy strikes. Try to keep this in mind if you can. Do you have any family members that would be more supportive towards you? Sister? brothers? mom? Really close friends? Turn to those who can give you the strength that you need. If your husband cannot offer you the love/guidance/support you need, what about the church? a counselor? support groups? Don't be afraid to reach out.
You will get through this, I promise. After everything has calmed down, perhaps you might want to re-evaluate your relationship with your husband. Maybe you two need to sit down and really talk about things, get everything out in the open. He may need support as well. It can't be easy watching your spouse have cancer! Sometimes people really just can't deal with things and let their own fears get in the way of being what their spouse wants or needs them to be. My ex husband was never able to support me when really bad things happened, his answer was to go drink the problems away. I had to learn to be strong on my own.
I wish you peace. I hope that things will calm down in your life. Remember your father will always be with you as long as you keep him in your memory. That is what keeps me going on days when I really miss him.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 June 2014):
 I lost my father in this past year as well. Today is hard for me because I want to call my dad, tell him I love him, and wish him a happy father's day.
You've been through a lot. Cancer, death in the family, and it's stress beyond stress beyond stress. Your husband may feel like he's drowning in it same as you. It's tough to be the supportive spouse day in and day out. Everyone is in shock, and everyone is dealing with it the way they can.
I know it feels like he's abandoning you on a very painful day. Your father hasn't even been buried yet, and feelings are extremely raw. From his perspective, it may feel like he's drowning and needs reassurance that the world is still going on. Many spouses have cracked under pressure like this.
You need more than just your husband. You need a whole support network, plus I'll tell you from experience, talking with a counselor is really really good. Your mom, your family, your friends, and you do need *you* time as well.
Believe it or not, he's also dealing with the loss of your father as well as the aftermath of tough stuff happening with your health. I get that too...I have end-stage renal disease and went through a period of dialysis before receiving a transplant. Health scares are even more nerve-wracking for spouses of sick people, and your husband has had to help you in a lot of ways, and I know you're very appreciative of all he's done.
You have tough times ahead, and your husband will continue to be by your side at the funeral. Before that, though, there will be a lot more raw feelings and stress popping up from small things like your dad's wishes to your mom's wishes and other peoples' two cents. It's a crazy time out there. If you let your husband get some "air" today, he'll be that much better for you when you go through the funeral and the subsequent time of mourning ahead.
I know it "feels" unkind your husband's decision to want to get away from the stress today, but look at it as his cry for help. He's cracking underneath all the stress, pressure, and intense grief. Let him draw back strength from his father and family so he can come back replenished to help support you. And even more, while he's recharging, you can lean on your mom and other people. And speak to that counselor! Funeral homes and hospice centers have them. I can't value them enough. I know it's hard. My own loss is fresh. But your husband is recharging. He's helping with catering and he is there for you. Let him take his break. It'll pay dividends for both of you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (16 June 2014):
 If I had considered your behaviour childish I would have stated that outright. My point was that as a grown woman you can handle some time on your own so keeping you company whenever you want it is not as pressing an issue as it would be to a small child who had just been orphaned.
No one has judged you. We understand you're going through a difficult time and personally, I think it's made you more sensitive to perceived slights.
The bottom line is most us of think your husband is not being insensitive by wanting to have some father/son time while his own father is still around. He was not 'casually unkind' to you. He simply didn't give you what you wanted for a short period of time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): Please don't go away angry. It was not my intention to offend you. I only suggested that you spend the time with your family; and not allow your husband's insensitivity cause you more pain.
To some degree the others are right. If you have your own family around you, it somewhat dilutes the pain or poison others inflict. If you've had a number of surgeries, the average person is queasy around scars and obvious sites of incisions. You have to be realistic about that. It isn't something you can be jovial around; or comfortably sit across from at the dinner-table. I've worked in the healthcare field. I've seen everything you've described.
Only your own family could accept these graphic images of you without a slightly-disgusted reaction. Maybe you're expecting too much from him and his family, in that respect. Not as far as consoling you through your grief from the loss of your father.
If your husband has been as cruel and apathetic as described in your post for an extended period of time; it may be time to contact a lawyer; and end your marriage to such a cold-hearted man, and to disassociate with his unwelcoming clan. You have your own loved-ones to fallback on. If he is that nasty of a person; what alternative is there but to leave him. That's all I have to say.
I still offer my sympathies and condolences as previously-mentioned.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJls022 just to say thank you. I don't think he deals with things very well. I can see why he wanted to see his Dad, but I am fond of his Dad too. I can't see why he wanted to exclude me when there were other people there too. I feel I would never do that to him. Particularly at a time like this. Especially if he said he needed my help, which is what I did.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have spent every day with my Mum and family helping them. My family are very close. I didn't ask him to give everything up to keep me company. On Thursday he went and stayed the night with his parents, a break that I respect. He often goes for a meal with his sister which I don't mind. Referring to my apparently childish behaviour is way off Ciar. I am not sure how you can have the confidence.
Honeypie, you assume I didn't do something in my Father's honour, well you are wrong. I had an article published about him in a newspaper today. My own work.
If having been bereaved, why should my feelings NOT be in the equation. I wanted to go with my husband. Am I an interloper then? If we are family why should I be excluded. His sister and her son were also there. I was always invited before I became ill. Now I feel like a leper that must be escaped and it really hurts.
After my second cancer operation, on the night I came home, he took me to my parents house and went out for a lovely meal with his sister and daughter. Do not forget, that day I received the second cancer diagnosis and was left completely alone. My neck had been cuts from side to side, it looked like you could sip my head off.
To be honest I am really disappointed to be judged as you have judged me. I will not be asking for help again.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (15 June 2014):
I have to say I think if my father had just died and hasn't even been buried yet, then I'd expect a bit more support than that from my husband. I can understand your husband wanted to see his own Dad, and that is fine, but to leave you alone on a day like today is a bit callous in my opinion.Could it be maybe he doesn't know how to help you? Often people want to help but don't know how to, so they try to avoid it instead of risking doing the wrong thing. That could maybe explain your husband's behaviour. It could also, as someone else pointed out, make him realise that his own Dad may not have many years left which might have panicked him.I'm not trying to condone his actions, just that maybe he's not being deliberately cruel. Perhaps try again to explain how you feel and what you need from him, but try to refrain from accusatory language because that's likely to have the opposite effect. Do you have anyone else you can turn to for support?I normally don't think people should rely on others to help them manage their emotions, but if you can't be a bit selfish and ask for your husband's support a matter of days after your father died, then what's the point? I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you all the best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): My condolences for your loss. It is fresh, so you have a long way to go in dealing with your grief.
Why are you not spending time with your own family; and absorbing their love to help you to heal, and deal with your grief. You should seek grief-counseling. If you practice religion; go to your church, synagogue, temple,or mosque. They are there for your comfort and spiritual healing. The are people there to console you.
Don't concentrate too heavily on your husband's cruelty. Reach-out to your own kin for emotional-support and the affection you can only receive from those related to you by blood.
You are piling all your emotions on your husband. Why?
Are you estranged from your own mother, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins? If any have passed away; then it is time to reconnect with the living. Deal with your husband later. His father deserves a happy occasion. All will offer their condolences at the appropriate time.
You are wasting time when you should rush to your mother's side. She needs you. You should be basking in the love of your own family, and your issues with your husband should be placed aside for now.
You don't have the strength to deal with him at the present. So don't!
I give you my most heartfelt and sincere sympathies. You've been though so much. I extend my sympathies to your family as well. No words could ever extinguish your pain, but you really need your family around you more than you need your husband.
If you don't have the power to get to them, call them all to your side. That's what I would do, and have done.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 June 2014):
 I have to agree with Ciar.
YOU are making Father's Day out to be about you. IT shouldn't be. It's about ALL the Dads out there.
If you two traditionally spend Father's Day apart with EACH your Dads then I can see why he is telling you that he will do as usual.
And honestly, it's Father's Day.... Spend the day thinking of your own dad, do something IN HIS honor maybe?
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (15 June 2014):
Not agreeing to whatever it is you want is not, in itself, 'being hurtful'.
I'm not sure what was so grievous about him wanting to spend time alone with his father. How do you know others were going to be there? Is he ill? Considering you've just lost yours (I'm very sorry for your loss by the way), you of all people should understand that his dad has fewer years ahead of him than behind him and appreciate them wanting to enjoy some father/son time.
It's also perfectly reasonable for your husband to want some 'me' time away from you. This is not a reflection of his feelings for you. We all need time away from others, loved ones included. And it's not easy being around someone who is grieving. Time away allows him to recharge his own batteries so he can continue to be supportive of you, as you admit he's been.
You may not want to be alone right now, and I think we can understand that, but neither your husband, nor anyone else can just give everything up to keep you company. You're a grown woman, not a recently orphaned four year old. And this is FATHER's day.
...............................
|
