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My ex said hurtful things about my body. I'm self conscious and my get up and go has gone

Tagged as: Health, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 May 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 15 May 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I I hope you guys don't mind me asking for advice. I have been feeling low since splitting with my ex around 5 month ago, I have lost my get up and go and I work and then come home and that's it or I go to bed and fall asleep crying. My ex said I was fat as ugly and no man would ever want me, I know I shouldn't believe his nasty words but I do and I just hate to look at myself, I have always had body confidence issues and even suffered severe bullying when I was at infant and junior school, and through how my dad was towards me he used to say I was ugly and thick( I aren't thick and I did well at school and grades etc). I know you will say I'm a grown woman and should know better but it doesn't matter what age you are to feel low and self concious. Look it's not about looks it's about being a good kind person but I even believe I'm a horrible person just because my ex said it to me all the time in nastiness( thank god I saw the light and got rid of him ). How do I get my get up and go back and become me again. I miss my old friends and I miss going out etc. I just want to stop livin ground hog day and will any other man be interested in me?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

[EDIT]:

"Change your hair-color, and get a new hairdo."

"Does every bad-thing people say or do to you, have to tear you to pieces?"

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

I can understand how you must feel. If you've always had body-image issues, endured a lot of cruel bullying; and you've withstood a constant bombardment of negativity from people nearly all your life. Nobody can stand-up to that without getting some deep scars.

You're stronger than you think. A breakup guts you. People you love turning on you will knock the wind out of you; and dealing with the post-breakup blues is like dragging a dead elephant around everywhere you go. It's depressing.

You have to exercise your emotions. Strong today, and cry a little tomorrow. Baby-steps back to normalcy. You need healthy-distractions and you have to spoil yourself.

You have to also do things that lift-up your self-esteem. Your self-esteem is home-grown. It isn't given to you, and you shouldn't depend on the validation and approval of others. That makes you a slave to their criticism; and a life-long victim of your own insecurities. Yes, you do have to grow-up. You are not living in the past, you're in the present. You can determine your own destiny and future; starting now.

The people who complain most about their body-image and self-esteem, are most-likely people who do nothing about it. They wait until they hear something nasty from people; and collapse under their mean-words. If you don't like something fixable about yourself, fix-it! If it can't be fixed, embrace it as part of who you are. You've got to live!

Get a makeover. Change your hair-color, and get a hew hairdo. Buy a new wardrobe, and get a new attitude. Take courses, or get counseling, for your issues. If you can't fix them yourself; you must seek professional-help.

Sometimes we have a lot more control over our quality of life, than we take responsibility for. Yes, we need positive-reinforcement and compliments from others; but you also have to learn to live without them. That's what survival demands, and you don't have any choice! That is, if you want to live and be happy.

Stop waiting for other people to program your feelings about yourself; and do something good for yourself. Like who you are for who you are.

If you have a faith, indulge yourself in worship. You'll find hope again. If you have no faith; then you need to read books and publications on rebuilding your self-esteem, and self-improvement. Do something about it, besides whining! "He said this, and she said that about me!" Does everything bad-thing people say or do to you have to tear you to pieces? Are you made of toilet-paper? You are made of bone, muscle-tissue, and covered with skin. You're not that fragile. You made good grades under all that pressure. You survived it all, and you're here to tell about it!

Some jerk just kicked your legs out from under you. Get a grip, girlfriend! It happens to everybody! I'm here helping people; because I've been through some of the same stuff.

A few years ago, when I got dumped; I felt kicked in the nuggets! I had rocks in my belly; and even chocolate tasted like crap. Now you know it's bad when you can't enjoy chocolate! Right! I kept eating it until it tasted good again! Nobody's going to takeaway my chocolate...velvety smooth sweet happiness!

If you have faith, pray on it. Seek peace through worship. If you don't believe in stuff like that; seek some professional-counseling, to help with your grief and loss. Sometimes you need help (not a crutch); but recovery depends more on your self-determination, inner-strength, and perseverance. You put a lot of pressure on-top of your own feelings, because you curse God for how He made you. You need to work in a hospital and count your blessings, sister!

Life is a gift; but it runs-out. Survival is dependent on a will to live, and being self-aware. Not living under the heels and thumbs of our enemies. You're no less human than they are. How come they get to enjoy life, and you don't?

Go ahead, purge your sadness and emotions; but for a limited time only! You have to get-on with your life. Stop wasting it; drowning in pity and sorrow. Enjoy and be thankful for your blessings; before they dry-up altogether.

Who can stop you from being good to yourself? Who???

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (14 May 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntYou get your old self back one little bit at a time. Take small baby steps each and every day. Go to my column (click on my username), I wrote an article on how to get confidence. Read it. Maybe it will help you.

Choose a tiny goal. Something easy to accomplish. If your bedroom is messy, then clean it. You don't even have to do it all at once. Choose a small portion of your bedroom to clean and then just do that. If your bedroom is already clean, then find some other thing that needs to be done around the house and do that. Same idea, do a small bit of it each day. After a while, you will be amazed at how much you get done.

Slowly but surely, as your list of small accomplishments grows, your attitude will slowly change. You will become more positive and your outlook on life will improve. When your outlook improves, it will be reflected in your attitude and appearance. Your happiness will slowly increase. Happy people are way more attractive than sad people.

At any rate, you'll have bad days where you don't accomplish anything. The key is to not beat yourself up when those days happen. Give yourself permission to be human, and just try harder the next day.

I wish you well.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (14 May 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, listen to me. What these vile men said to you was all about THEM and absolutely ZERO about you. They felt your vulnerability and lack of confidence and exploited it because bullying someone weaker than them made them feel like proper men. They would not have done the same to someone who was willing and capable of sticking up for themselves.

Well done for dumping the useless abusive ex. You are stronger than you think or give yourself credit for.

If you are unhappy with your body, there are so many things you can do about it - if YOU want to. Healthy eating and gentle exercise being just two. This is not about giving in to the bullies but about making the best of yourself and feeling happier in your own skin.

Have you tried reaching out to your old friends and suggesting meeting up for a catch up? What's your passion in life? What makes you want to stand up and fight (not in the sense of punching someone in the face but in the sense of helping someone)? Whatever it is, try to get involved in your free time. You will meet like minded people, make new friends and find something to channel your energies into.

Stay strong.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (14 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntIt really is amazing how cruel the human race can be!

The human tongue, specifically, is the sharpest thing ever.

People should always THINK before they SPEAK/ACT, yet most people don't unfortunately.

What we must remember though, is that, we CANNOT CHANGE or CONTROL what others choose to say to us.

You must not worry (any longer) about what others have said to you.

You cannot change what's been, but you have control over the HERE and NOW.

NOW is the time to start working on YOU and what truly makes you happiest.

Do positive things for yourself and learn to feel good about you, by telling yourself everyday, i am worthy, i am wonderful, i am smart, i am beautiful, i am kind and BELIEVE IT, KNOW IT!!

It's true, you are all those wonderful things and those who said otherwise, were simply trying to bring you down to their low level.

They were simply jealous, selfish and insecure, all the things that you are not and will never be.

They're own insecurities played out and you were the innocent victim who copped the stab wound.

NO MORE, NO MORE!!

You know better, you know your own self worth and you need to start taking charge of your life.

When you start working on your self esteem, by way of positive self talk, by way of daily exercise and relaxation, by way of watching self help videos, by way of talking to somebody you trust (ie: Counsellor), i do believe you'll be on your way to feeling more positive and feeling mentally stronger.

Take time for YOU and if need be, don't be afraid to approach and open up to a person you trust.

Not everybody is untrustworthy, cruel or unkind.

There are so many good and well meaning folk all around us and if only we open our eyes, they're there.

Write all you'd like to do/achieve on a piece of paper and do one thing at a time, day by day, or week by week, but just stick to it and don't back down, no matter how hard it may seem.

The rewards are always well worth the effort.

Just take small steps daily, don't place any great pressures upon yourself.

Eg: Today, go for a nice long walk, during the day, head to the local mall and treat yourself to a cuppa and something nice, something that makes you feel good and lifts your spirit/mood, ring an old and special friend, watch a funny video, or think about buying a new puppy or kitten?

There are so many things you can do to make your life more enjoyable.

You must put the past behind you and start working on the here and now.

The past is gone, it's over with, it's done and dusted and you cannot ever change it.

What you can control, is the here and now and your future, for the most part.

Don't allow others to ever weigh you down and if you feel this is what they're doing, you give them a nice wide berth, because none of us need/want toxic people with toxic energy around us.

You need to take on the new attitude, i don't care what they say, i don't care what they think about me, because I KNOW WHO AND WHAT I AM AND THAT'S ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS.

Their opinions are their opinions and when their opinions are negative, it's only because they're so insecure, that they've nothing more positive to say.

Negative people simply like to "deflect" their own negativity onto us.

None of us are perfect and you don't need to look any particular way, because all you need to be is YOU!

You need to build on your confidence and self esteem and not worry about anything else at this moment.

This ought be your PRIORITY.

Working on yourself and your self confidence is crucial and the first thing you must do.

All else will follow with time.

Worry not about the past and all you "cannot change" and take action to work on your self esteem.

You should try googling as much info as possible, regarding how to build one's self esteem.

There's plenty of positive and helpful material out there.

All you have to do today, is to TAKE ACTION, by doing something small, yet very positive, toward making you feel better about "yourself" and about life in general.

The more positives you do for YOU and the more regularly you do them, they'll become habitual and you'll never want to look back.

I wish you all the best! :-)

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A female reader, BettyBoup United Kingdom + , writes (14 May 2018):

BettyBoup agony auntThose men in your life who told you that you are ugly and no good were 100% WRONG! You are a perfect, beautiful woman exactly how you are, without changing a single thing. Only you get to decide if you want to change your appearance, and you don't need to. You do need to believe that you are worthy of good things in life, of love and respect. Those men said those mean things to hurt you, to bring you down because they abused the love and trust you put in them. They took out their ugly feelings and views about themselves on you. Reject what they said. Mentally send it back to them and say "I'm sorry you felt so bad to say such ugly things to a woman that loved you, but I know those words were for you and mean nothing to me so I return them to you".

I know you must feel down right now, so focus on 1 thing at a time. But yiu need to love yourself, take care of yourself and build your life back up. Get in touch with one of those friends that you miss. Get a new haircut or your nails done. Look for some form of therapy, it doesn't have to be official "therapy" but maybe an online counsellor or go to church or get a psychic reading, if you believe in those things. Or get a massage weekly, or an art class or join a choir. Do something that makes you feel better. Join a dance class.

This is your life and you deserve to enjoy it and to love yourself. You are worthy. Don't let the b*stards get you down. Good luck.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWork on finding a YOU that you are happy with. A MAN shouldn't be the one to "complete" you as a person. And don go look for a man when you overall feel like shit, because ? The man you will attract is someone who will TREAT you like shit. That is NOT what you want or need. That much is obvious.

IF you are unhappy with your body, find things about it that you DO like. Work out. The only one who can improve on you, IS you. And the only who HAS to love you (for now) is YOU! Set some goals. Like going to the GYM or for a 45 minute walk/bike-ride/swim 2-5 days a week and STICK to it. And then REWARD yourself when you have stuck to it for let's say 3 months? Get a new haircut/dye job. Or go buy a few now pieces of clothes that makes you feel good when you wear them. Doesn't have to be DRESSED up clothes or just some really nice lounge wear, but something that makes you smile when you put it on.

Why do I say exercise? It's actually my go-to advice for most things in life. Because I KNOW it works wonders. Physically AND mentally. The energy you get from it helps, the burst of almost euphoria, the overall improvement in SO many areas IS worth the time and effort. You might say, well I don't really want to go to the gym.. or be around people to do this... so no, I'll stay home and be miserable... THEN how is your life going to improve if YOU don't even DO anything about it? IT IS ONLY you who can change things.

And you CAN go for daily walks - go for a swim, get on your bike ( or look at charity shops for a secondhand exercise bike for the house). You don't HAVE to go to a GYM but sometimes it helps people be more "accountable" and keep at it.

You can look on YouTube for exercise at home videos - yoga for beginners.

And Make sure you go get your Vitamin D from the sun every day outside. I tell you, it DOES make a difference too! We have LONG winters where I live - like 6 months of it! And as soon as there is sun out there I try and spend at least 15 minutes (yes, even in the snow lol) outside, just to get my Vitamin D from the sun. I spend time in my garden now that it's spring and feel better for it.

Spend time with positive people and BE positive. When thoughts like " my ex thought I was fat and ugly" creeps in - SAY to yourself - WHO THE FUCK cares what he thinks?! STOP giving him a free pass in your head to STILL bully you! YOU dumped the loser!

You know DARNED well that he said those things to make you think you could do no better than him. But you ALSO know that YEAH! you CAN do better than him. And YOU will do better than him.

But to get to a place in life where you can MEET such a man you NEED to be there yourself. You need to KNOW that you deserve better, can do better and that you ARE better. Which includes FEEL better about yourself.

OP, no one is perfect. There is ALWAYS something we wish we could change about our looks, even the prettiest girl has flaws.

Being pretty or ugly is a thing, but it's also a state of mind. Once you start to feel better about yourself, you will focus on the good things about you. And you will notice other things that you really like about you and so on. Sure, you don't have to like EVERYTHING about yourself, but why focus on the negative? you are NOT going to be Miss Universe EVER (neither am I) and so what?! I have no doubt you have many qualities that are worth SO much more than just looking "pretty".

The LONGER you stay in this "woe is me" funk, the longer you let that miserable loser of an ex WIN.

Also, what hobbies do you have? Pick one and have fun with it. Doing something you enjoy brings joy (to you) and helps lift the mood.

You want to stop being miserable?

THEN STOP!

DO little but positive things for yourself and others EACH day. Small steps.

Chin up. You can do it! Get off your ass and start living life!

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