A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my ex (we broke up 4 years ago and are now 'friends', albeit distant) came to visit me, to give me a present for my birthday. He said his last train was at 22:30. Then we got something to eat. He was taking forever finishing his glass of wine and wasn't keeping track of time at all. Then I asked if it was time to go and he looked and it was 22:45 so he said he COULD get a later train but there were poor connections and it would mean getting a night bus at the other end etc etc and he said he is happy to stay on the floor. So we came back to my flat, I made a bed up for him,and then he said he was hoping I would sleepwalk. He started hugging me saying he really likes me. I said thanks for bringing the present but I'm sleeping alone. Good night. Then he went in for a kiss so I gave him a peck on the cheek and went to my room.This morning I just wanted him OUT of there. I feel like he overstepped the mark by missing his rrain and guilt tripping me into letting him stay. I also feel kind of sorry for him. He is at a crossroads in his life and talked a lot about not knowing what to do and how he is stuck and feeling isolated. I feel awkward about the present too. I don't know if it's kinder to just be very distant, or what. I have to now thank him for the present. What do I say?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 He did it on purpose just like Honeypie said.
I personally would cut all contact with him.
I would never want a gift from an ex... NO reason for it.
I also do not see a reason to be friends with ex partners. FRIENDLY.. yes. CIVIL yes... but FRIENDS NO. no need.
Not only would I not send a thank you note (I'm sure you thanked him in person) I would not contact him at all.
AND if he calls and asks to come visit I'd be busy.
He was being manipulative...good for you for saying no.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 December 2013):
 to desiree075
No, I don't think it's rude (anywhere in the world)to not write a "Thank you note", but it would just be "easier" then feeling bad for not wanting to call and say thank you.
And just because she feels a little OVER this ex and don't want him in her life doesn't mean she can't be polite.
Whether he got her a present with an "ulterior motive" of hoping she would sleep with him or not, manners don't hurt and it doesn't cost more then a stamp.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (5 December 2013):
 You both could have kept a better eye on the time to avoid this scenario.
Let him reach out to his other friends if he feels isolated and you don't feel comfortable being his confidante/ getting closer. Don't feel bad - he's not your responsibility. I assume you're single - it will complicate your dating life if you have an ex lurking in the background too much.
You could just send a simple thank you card for the present, or send a Christmas card with a little note thanking him for the present.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): It was totally obvious he setup the whole missed train scenario, and had the backup excuse that it would take all night and a bus to get home. The timing for the train schedule was premeditated; increasing the odds it would be missed.
It was so transparent and cheesy it's almost an insult to the intelligence. The present was a Trojan Horse filled with ulterior motives. The most obvious being sex.
His little seduction plan failed; however, it was an attempt to test you for residual feelings.
He thought nostalgia would wake up sexual attraction long at rest. After a sob-story over wine, he expected you to feel pity. That was just another one of the ulterior motives hidden inside the Trojan Horse. He was laying the foundation for "friends with benefits."
Graciously accept the present. Since you are friends.
Send him a "Thank you" note.
I don't think he will give up trying to seduce you. I think you might want to consider just minimizing contact to an eventual stop. If the mood hits you to just stop; don't fight the feeling.
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A
female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (5 December 2013):
Why do you feel obligated to send him a "thank you" note? Didn't you already say thank you to him in person? Is it rude in America if you don't write a thank you note for every single present?
Yes, I agree with both Honeypie and the other one. My ass he missed the train. He planned the whole thing. And pressuring you to let him stay with you is not cool at all.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 I agree with Honeypie, he didn't "forget" the time; he was just dilly-dallying so that he would miss the train and then spend the night at your place and have sex with you.
You don't have to feel sorry for him and you are in no way obligated to feel bad for anything that's wrong in his life. Send him a thank you card if you want to but if you don't want any further communication with him, then I think you should just be slightly rude and not respond in any way. He'll get the hint that you're really not interested.
If he insists on coming over again and you are fine with it but you don't want him to stay over, just tell him straight. "John, the last time you were here things got delayed and you ended up sleeping here and I didn't really want that to happen. Sorry but please don't take it personally. If you must come, then you have to leave early."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 December 2013):
I don't think he "forgot" the time, I think he planned to miss the train and having to stay with you. He was HOPING to at least have a little roll in the hay for "old times sake" - specially since he got you a present.
You can just let the contact taper off, since he really didn't do anything offensive (just really stupid) I would do that over cutting contact.
And IF he suggest he comes visit again, YOU leave at 21:30 (let's say his train is at 22:30 again) He has no other option the to go to the station.
Send him a thank you card. It's perfectly polite and by the book. That way you don't really have to get into any discussions you aren't ready for.
IF you at some point in time feel for ready to tell him that you rather stop the contact because it's holding you back or whatnot then do so.
YOU ARE NOT responsible for his life and where he is at IN his life. And just because you two dated doesn't mean you OWE him friendship or pity.
Chin up.
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