A
male
age
36-40,
*eedadvice1
writes:There's a woman who I've been in a relationship with for over a year and a half- and we've broken up in September of this year. She currently lives with me- though I want her out because we're not getting along at this point. This is primarily because we're arguing a lot, she's still in love with her ex, admitted to that when we were in a relationship, and told me last month that she does love him more.One of the reasons we broke up is because I felt a disconnect- and didn't want to be with someone that is only giving me 50% of her heart. On top of that she has an 11 year old son (who I cared for and was trying to raise as if he was my own) who has ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder. And after the break up he's giving me a hard time about me not being his dad and how he hates me. He's being more defiant and disrespectful nowadays.I told her I wanted them both out- but she told me that she's not leaving until he finishes school- because she doesn't want to have to through the process of transferring him being that this is his last year in elementary school. That's June of next year! Which is about 6 months that I would have to put up with them. She's a subtenant not on the lease- and told me if I want her out I would have to take her to court. She's so evil.I've been nothing but good to her (though I do have my faults and could've been around more) and her son and took care of the household financially.My issues with her were also the fact that she has Facebook pictures up on her page of her and her ex- some of which she kissing him (which she refused to take down when we were together) and me not feeling like I'm #1 in her life/heart. Her issues she had with me, by the way, are lack of household cleaning, cooking for her on some days (because she does the cooking in the house), and all domestic household stuff. But I think that's just a cop out for her to talk to her ex again.Since talking to him again (which didn't take that long and makes me believe she really didn't love me like I though she did), she has gotten a tattoo of his name on her wrist, and is now intimately involved with him. I feel so hurt.Out of curiosity I went through her phone, and I saw some messages that she sent to her ex. It said "my heart, body, and soul belongs to you... always have always will.", some I miss, love, and want to see you texts, as well as explicit ones. What do I do?
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male
reader, Needadvice1 +, writes (13 December 2013):
Needadvice1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@CindyCares: Thanks for the reply. I went to the Legal aid society initally and they told me they couldn't help me becuase they work with people people being evicted not the ones doing the eviction. I did sign up with the LegalShield- and I'm waiting to speak to a lawyer (which will be this Monday) to further help me on the matter.
What's sad is she resorted to name calling, screaming, belittling, all in front of her son during another one of those heated arguments that we had a few days ago. That broke me mentally. I feel like a prisoner in my own home, have to close my door, and deal with a woman that's walking around like she has no care in the world.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 December 2013):
 Sigh... yes OP it sounds like you have your hands quite full with this ex partner/ roommate.
The bright side of this is ... you are in NY, as in NewYork City ? ( not just New Yorl State ). In NYC there are several organizations which provide pro bono legal advice to low income New Yorkers. Particularly about immigration, family law and HOUSING ( rights of tennnatrs, etc. ) I 've heard of the Legal Aid Society, they've got offices in all over. And the New York City Bar Association has a free legal hotline. I am sure there are others, try a Google search, or just the Yellow Pages - there must be a way to get you out of the claws of this woman ! and a lawyer would know how you have to move without risking to pass on the offender's side.
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male
reader, Needadvice1 +, writes (7 December 2013):
Needadvice1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@YouWish: My lease unfortunately ends in November 2014. I also have back rent to pay so I can't just move right now (thanks to me losing job). Like I mentioned previously I'm working on getting a job and separating myself from her. She's a user, abuser, and manipulator. The problem is I saw a few red flags in the beginning- but ignored them. And when I met her son he was quiet- and I thought to myself "What a calm and nice kid". Come to find out he was on meds that day. Once the meds wears off he is a difficult child to deal with. And I do feel bad about him and the position he's in. He's not growing up in a healthy environment- and his mother may be capable of assuming guardianship past the age of 18. This woman is really capable of anything.
So we had yet another argument yesterday and she pointed out that I wasn't there for her as much when she was pregnant (she had a miscarriage by me even though I believe that baby might have been her ex's), called me a little boy for not taking care of home, not cleaning or cooking for her, and said her ex was different. When she was pregnant with his baby and lost it before she met me, she said he was attentive and there. She also was upset that I wanted to remove him from her child life- when that's all the father that child knew. Uh...we were in a relationship, I was trying to be a stepfather to the boy, this is a guy you were still in love with, what do you think?? He was a factor that didn't need to be there because I felt he wasn't the actual birth father.
She also said that she never had intentions on removing the pictures of them together on Facebook. And the pictures that we took together in the beginning of the relationship, she wasn't going to put it up because she didn't want her ex feeling some type of way. Smh.
Also she brought up when her and her ex had sex (some recent time ago) she called out my name by accident. I guess she was trying to make me feel better by saying that lol.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 December 2013):
 Given your job situation, you need to enlist your family and friends. When does your lease end? You may need to move to extricate yourself from her because of your lack of money and options. She sounds like a real fruit loop, for lack of a better term.
I take medical conditions seriously, but since you have confirmed that she *is* a system worker, I question all of the diagnoses of her kid. Oppositional Defiant Disorder - bipolar, ADHD, all of these things are legal terms that induce payouts and manipulate guardianship. I have personally known people who shop for doctors willing to issue the desired diagnosis in order to secure federal and/or state assistance. Money is at the heart of it.
Oh, there's no doubt that she has serious mental issues, and that you should not only extricate yourself from her as completely and as quickly as possible, but you should keep a journal documenting every single action, phrase, threat, everything. She knows how to use ACTIONABLE words like abuse, harassment, neglect, and she has been through the court circuit many times and has that advantage on you, all the while doing it on taxpayer funds, even going so far as to get free legal help by filing in forma pauperis in order to do what she needs to.
SVC did you a service getting you in touch with resources to help. You getting a lawyer to help you here is very crucial in dealing with a system manipulator. And don't take anything her son does personally. In fact, I feel bad for him because he's being used, and I wouldn't doubt that as he gets older, his mom will find ways to assume guardianship for him beyond the age of 18 by using his mental diagnoses to get what she wants to survive. Not a good life ahead for him.
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male
reader, Needadvice1 +, writes (6 December 2013):
Needadvice1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@YouWish: I'm working on the job situation- But the job market is kind of tough out here in NY. Trust me... I am doing all I can. And yes she does work the system. The fact that she does that is so despicable. And it's even more so that she wanted to press charges against me for getting jumped (which I swear on my life I had nothing to do with). What's interesting about that, is she has been jumped before, with her ex (the same guy that she's with) prior to being with me. He fought hard for the both of them which prompted her to put a poem tattoo on her back of a short poem about him being her "knight in shining armor". I let that go when we first got in a relationship because I figured it's her past- and she won't remove it. BUT she told me the other day, I asked about the new tattoo on her wrist of his name, and she said yeah she have it because the other tattoo is old and she wants to cover it up. (What???) So... instead she wants to replace it the new one. She's clearly not over him. I have no problem with someone wanting to move on. My only issue with her is her lack of care, heart, and quickness in getting over me. It's as if we were dating for 2 weeks rather than being in a relationship for almost 2 years. Today I'm going to go to see if I can move somewhere else. I'm also going to see if I can get some papers to evict her- and try to have a lawyer look it over. I don't have the money to afford a lawyer. And Legal aid (pro-bono) unfortunately looks at me as a "landlord" to her though- I'm a tenant myself and has refused to service me. They told me they usually help people getting evicted not doing to eviction. But I'll see what I can do to figure this obstacle out. @CindyCares: Thanks for your reply. I wouldn't mind in the least to stick it out for another 6 months... if I was in a healthier environment. This woman is vindictive, bi-polar (though I'm starting to think it's Borderline Personality Disorder), and troubled. On top of that her son is an issue. He doesn't communicate with me now as well. He came in yesterday from school, and I said "hey man how was school?", and he said "mmhmm" quietly. This morning I awoken to her yelling and cursing at her son for not moving fast enough to go to school. This is what I have to deal with for another 6 months? And it's no telling what this kid is capable of doing now that he feels he shouldn't respect me anymore because he's been told they're going to move- and his mother and I are no longer together. He doesn't comprehend or respond to things as other kids may due to his O.D.D. condition. But I agree that the court/judge may favor her more because of her condition and situation. But I have to do something. She says June. But that's not a guarantee that she'll be out by then. What if she truly start looking for an apartment by then but nothing happens? Or it takes longer than she expected? June is the month she said.. but I don't think she'll move out that same month. She has no other place to go either- and refuse to bring her son to a shelter, to project/public housing, or move back in with her mother- where she originally came from before she moved in with me. @Honeypie: No I'm not on any assistance at this time. I'm looking for companies/things that may help right now. dear cupid aunt "So Very Confused" provided a Rocket lawyer link yesterday on here that I'm going to see if I can get assistance from. Also I heard of the Legal Shield who can provide pre-paid legal help at a low rate. But I'm open to any pro-bono help. ANYTHING to get her out of my life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 December 2013):
 Are you on any kind of assistance? IF you are I would look into legal advice through there, some places provide pro-bono work, where you can get the advice and help with filing (though the filing you would have to pay for).
It is not an amiable situation at all.
And no her sleeping on the couch is not abuse. But the way she is thinking she will quickly think of something else to accuse you off, so you need to watch your six.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 December 2013):
I think that you need specific legal advice from a professional more than the general words of support we coul
d provide.
But , if I were you, I'd just stiff upper lip and try to brace myself for JUST 6 more rough months. For some reason, I can't see a court granting immediate eviction of a unemployed resourceless mentally ill single mother of a learning disabled , emotionally troubled child . And even if the eviction is granted, it's not like you ask it today and the marshall comes to kick her out tomorrow. There are legal and technical times, she can appeal against the decision, etc. At the end of the day, maybe you could get rid of her, among lots of bad will and bad feelings and drama, ... by the same time that she is willing to leave voluntarily, in June.
It sucks- but sometimes you've just got to roll with the punches and just try to mantain as much emotional detachment from the situation , if you don't want to make it even harder on yourself.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 December 2013):
You're in a jam. You need to rectify your job situation.
Also, this is all the more reason to get a lawyer and do this legally, because she WORKS the system. She was going to file charges against YOU because of some girls jumping her? She's threatening you and using wordage like "abuse" because you don't want her in your bed? Be careful with her - she will file false charges or hit herself and call the cops on you. Get a lawyer and do it now. But first, get a job.
You can contact your landlord and move out yourself into another residence. She has legal footing because her address is there and is her residence, which is why changing the locks and dumping her will get her filing criminal charges against you because she abuses the system. However, if you talk to your landlord, get some friends of yours and YOU move into somewhere, then if she tries to follow, then it is trespassing.
Otherwise, get your job squared away, then get a lawyer, and then do it the legal way. If you take charge of the legal procedings, it will protect you when she tries the abuse crap and the false charges.
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A
male
reader, Needadvice1 +, writes (6 December 2013):
Needadvice1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow. Such great answers! Thank you all.
Honestly I feel I'm losing my sanity. I can put up with someone who no longer have feelings after a breakup (even though through the year and half we been through Hurricane Sandy together with no power for two weeks and survived as a family, before she moved in she had surgery- and I accompanied her, and she supposedly was having my baby but lost it through a miscarriage), but not one tear was shed when I told her I wanted to breakup with her. She said when someone tells her it's over, she automatically disconnects.
And a few weeks ago, she was jumped by a bunch of girls around my way. She assumed that I had something to do with it. Even though my heart wouldn't allow for someone I love (or once loved) to get jumped. I sweared up and down I had nothing to do with it, yet she was going to file charges. WTF! This is what it comes down to now? She said she don't know who I know- and that may be a way to get her to leave faster. smh wow.
Now to address your answers....
@WiseOwlE: It is a challenge to go through the eviction process with a child in residence, and it's cold and almost winter, and she has contact with a legal aid attorney. She's very aware of the eviction and court process. She's very vengeful and evil.
And you're right her ex is not letting her in probably because of the kid and her as well. But however she has a new tattoo of his name on her wrist and told me that she loves him more than me. WTF. She's been diagnosed with Bipolar... but is this more than that? What would cause someone to simply show lack of care or emotion like that?
And you offered good ideas to maintain my sanity by getting fresh air, protecting myself, and removing myself from the situation. I'm just so upset right now. And my lease runs out I believe at the end of 2014.
@So Very Confused: Thanks for your advice. I wish I could just change the locks but it's not that easy. I would have to evict her to get her to leave. But I appreciate the rocket lawyer link. It's very helpful!
@YouWish: She's not paying anything to me directly. She's on public assistance- and they pay her rent for her twice a month. Other than that, she doesn't contribute financially. She did her part when we were together by taking care of our home- and showing love. And yes I do feel like a chump. And unfortunately I'm now out of work and money is tight. Oh... and I told her I didn't want her to sleep on my bed anymore, because even after our breakup, she was still sleeping there. I told her to sleep on the couch with her son (he no longer has a bed due to a bed wetting problem). She then told me that it's abuse to have her sleeping there especially since her neck is bad due to a car accident- and has threatened to cut off the rent payments if I continue to let her sleep there.
@HoneyPie: I'm in NY and see my above comments for my thoughts on the situation. And she's not thinking rationally or fairly- which is why she's o.k. with staying for 6 months. But in any event I'll contact Justice of Peace. Thanks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): To protect you and your property, it is always best to go through the judicial system with difficult people who refuse to leave. Consult with an attorney about your rights, and local statutes regarding filing a restraining order, as well as an eviction. Having children involved, makes eviction more complicated in some states. However; if you fear risk to person or property, it might be a good idea to file a protection order. The young man just might create some destruction; but that would be attributed to his disorder, he is not fully responsible for his behavior. That's a liability to you.You had better take pictures and keep record of your belongings and valuables. You may end up filing a civil suit. You need to notify your property manager and/or landlord of your circumstances if you file for eviction; before neighbors make complaints due to noise or altercations. If she hasn't left, it's because she has no place to go; and she probably doesn't have the money. She'll sponge off you as long as she can.Why can't she move in with her ex? Let me guess. He's not crazy about taking in the kid! It has nothing to do with school. I doubt that he's that well-adjusted as a student.Especially with all that's happening around him; that isn't even his fault.People being evicted often retaliate. Have your ducks in a row. Any damage to the property comes out of your security deposit. Hope you have a camera phone. Anything damaged, keep a photo record. Call the police and place a complaint.Stay off her phone and mind your own business. You have broken the relationship; and there is no further need to be snooping through her private records or calls.Once people become toxic and vindictive, your love is misplaced. So treat her like an uninvited guest; until you can legally remove her from the premises.Your feelings are no longer of any value to her. So keep your calm and distance; even though she remains in the same house. The child is only 11. The law expects you and his mother to behave like adults. There is no way you're just pleasantly putting up with their behavior. You are human, and your temper has its limits. No shouting or storming around.Watch your step! You are an adult male with plenty to lose. Seek counseling and start the process of detaching. She is being provocative by instigating poor behavior in her son to cause you to lose control and act outside of the law.Get out of the house and get fresh air. Find someplace you can spend some nights away; even if it's just a motel room.You have to keep your cool and maintain your sanity. Any violence toward her, or her son, would give her a legal advantage. Keep that in mind at all times. She is a mother with a mentally disabled child; and the law protects children above all else. He's just a kid, regardless! He doesn't understand all this bullsh*t!Be a model tenant and start cleaning your own house; or the management company, or landlord, will evict the whole lot of you. With all the drama, who would blame them?You can save yourself a lot of trouble by letting the lease run out, and moving. You should want to get as far away from her as possible. A change of scenery is quite beneficial after a breakup.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2013):
 I think that you will have to evict her legally.
call the property manager and find out about removing a sub-tenant from the lease
also call your local courthouse and find out whether or not you can just remove her stuff and change the locks. if you can legally have the locks changed.. DO IT while she is NOT home.
I'm torn on whether or not to tell her you are doing it because with warning and no supervision you could be making ab bigger mess for yourself. She may be vengeful and stupid.
Once you change the locks you can offer to move her stuff for her.. just let her tell you where... give the boy his stuff but if she does not give you an address you can trash it after 60 days (tell her you will do this) Trust me, it will be worth the cost to get rid of her this way.
Also if she starts a scene tell her ONCE "if you don't calm down and behave like an adult I'm going to have to call the police" then DO IT.
NOTE: her child possibly comes by his ADHD/ODD genetically so she also probably has issues that she's either ignoring or is not aware of. This also will color how she reacts.
oh not read this but google brought me this with a search on "how to evict someone from your home":
http://www.rocketlawyer.com/article/roommate-eviction-article.rl
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 December 2013):
Ahh, one more thing I just discovered - even if you didn't talk to your landlord about this woman and her son, you can get them to consider allowing you to relocate (to a different house if you're renting a house or another apartment/townhouse within the complex if you have an apartment). Worse case scenario - they evict all of you. However, that's extreme if you are on friendly terms with them and have a good relationship with them.
She isn't on the lease, but her residency there, regardless of whether she helps with expenses or not, means you have to follow due process. You also know that if you ever have someone else move in with you, you must declare them with your landlord no matter what.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 December 2013):
Unfortunately, Honeypie is correct. Your remedy is a legal one, and it varies from state to state.You're going to need to go through the district/conciliation court and issue a written Notice to Vacate. I know in California, it's 60 days, Washington State is 20 days (holdover tenant law), Alabama is 14, etc.
Especially if she's not helping to pay bills, it would do you well to hire a lawyer to help with the paperwork, filing, and court processes. Since DC isn't a legal site, and this is definitely a legal issue, a lawyer will help you get her out, and if she tries to retaliate against you (lock up valuables before you do this), you can sue her for damages as a result. If you serve her a notice to vacate and she violates it, then you can also sue to recoup your legal costs of evicting her. But again, *you* can't serve the notice, which is why you need to get a lawyer and do it the legal way.
Her cheating with her ex is not cool, and I'm sure you feel like a chump who's being used. Regardless, let your execution of the law be as cold and as emotionless as the process itself. Get that lawyer and do it by the numbers. Any outburst by you, any show of temper, and she'll use that against you in court.
You also may be in a sticky situation with your landlord because there are a lot of leases drawn up that show subletting as a lease violation, and that you needed to declare additional tenants when they move in. If you did in fact inform your property manager, then they are on your side and can assist you. However, telling them now if you didn't do that could get sticky for you in terms of their recourse against you, which could get YOU evicted the same as if you were to bring in an unauthorized pet or flammable materials or illegal activities.
But start with a lawyer and a good search for knowledge on individual state rights and processes.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 December 2013):
No you do NOT have to keep her with you for 6 months WTF is she thinking?!
You do not have to take her to court.
Depending on what STATE you are in you CAN go file a eviction notice at the local court house (not that expensive I believe).
Call the Justice of the Peace and ask what you need to do, for it to be LEGAL. Ask about how you go about an eviction action.
There is no way I would let an ex TELL me he isn't moving out til HE sees fit. WTF!?(SHE in your case)
How long do YOU have on the lease?
Also TALK to your property manager ( you might have to ask the JOP first though) if you can take of her as sub-letter, if she is even ON any paperwork.
Does she contribute financially?
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