A
female
age
51-59,
*ildannie
writes:I dated a man for about six months last year. Things proceeded slowly (I was fine with that). I actually really liked him - I had sworn off dating after coming off a 14 year relationship.I liked him - and I truly feel like it was mutual. However, there were numerous problems. He stood me up a couple of times. He tried to blame it on working third shift - I don't know. He would always get back in my good graces after this by talking.What happened? He was on a staycation (vacation but not going anywhere). I didn't hear from him at all for the first two days of it, which was weird - normally texted throughout the day and spoke to each other at least once. He knew I was mildly miffed that I hadn't heard from him so he shows up at my front door with an overnight bag.Let me preface this with - I was in the midst of a one year period of time with NO income coming in other than what I was selling on eBay. I am now on disability but at that time I was waiting for approval. I own my own home.He proceeded to stay here for four days. He had a job - I had no income. I paid for everything. He wanted a pizza - I ordered it. I was sure when they knocked at the door he would take care of it. Nope. I had to count change to pay for it. He slept the entire time he was here. Ate my food - drank every sip of alcohol I had in the house. I am not a big drinker but keep different types on hand for company. The kicker was me coming home to him drinking a bottle of Italian wine that came straight from Italy during a trip with my ex. Also, during this visit, he was "unable to perform", if you catch my drift. Said it was from using Xanax. I never saw him take any pills or even have them for that matter.I am simmering at this point. Weirdly enough, I am normally direct and not passive. I did not, however, feel "safe" bringing up my issues.He slept on the couch right in the middle of the living room - all day. I got frustrated and started a load of laundry to make noise. He, for once, goes outside and brings in a bag of dirty underwear and asks me to throw those in with mine. Grrrr.....I had to go to the grocery. He asks me to get him a case of beer without offering his money. I said I would get it, but I needed money for it. I get all these groceries (it was 95 degrees out) - I have to carry them all in the house - including his beer. And he accepts the change from it and groans that it isn't cold. Boiling.....The final kicker? He schedules a job interview for the next day about 90 miles away. He starts whining that his vehicle is acting funny - can we take my car? That was it.Again, I DO NOT know why I didn't address it with him directly. I acted like I was meeting friends for dinner in the town where he lived so he would leave. Later he is texting me about the trip the next day.I left something REALLY important out here. Four whole days at my house. He did not brush his teeth once. Nor did he shower. Nasty.Thinking of this trip in MY car, probably with my gas, with someone who still may not have cleaned up just made me sick. I know this is WRONG. But I couldn't bring myself to speak to him. I texted him (wincing as I type) that I could not do any of it anymore. No explanations. He sent me some hateful messages - some of which is understandable with my lack of communication.He had unfriended me on Facebook immediately. No contact for months. I wondered if I made a mistake (remembering the good times and fun conversations). I simply sent him a message on his birthday. Two days later, he responds and asks me if I want to go to his nephew's birthday party in a couple of weeks.At this point, I wanted to try to make it work. I needed to discuss why I had done what I had done. At this point, he had changed jobs and was an over the road trucker. He texts me constantly but never calls me. Red Flag. But I still had some faith - he gave me gift ideas for the nephew. Got and wrapped the gifts and made the dessert he suggested.The day before the party, I stop hearing from him. Sent him one text and called once and left a voicemail. No response. Day of party - no contact. Didn't take my call. Revenge if you ask me. Maybe I deserved it.That was four months ago. I had a bunch of stuff happening at my house (renovations) so I didn't have that much time to think about it. HOWEVER, I confided in one long-time friend about ALL of it. She was disgusted with him.Two weeks ago, I get on Facebook. My best friend (the one I confided in)'s sister, who I also considered a friend....is posting pictures with him. Pictures of flowers he got her (twice in one week). Details of a wonderful weekend at a bed/breakfast that he paid for. And she is on cloud nine because he paid for a rental car and hotel room so she could go visit her son who is in jail a state away.I'm not sure who/why I am most upset with. I would think my friend (who is suddenly friends with him again on Facebook) would maybe have given me a "heads up" about this? They actually go on a DOUBLE date - (I know my friend must be uncomfortable because she was tagged in a photo and she must have untagged it).I did nothing. I only spoke to family members about what happened. Next thing I know, the sister has unfriended me on Facebook. This is someone I have emotionally supported in hard times (she seems to have lots of those), given money to (?!), gave her rides, etc. Just blip, I'm gone. And I see now that he has blocked me.I swear on both my parent's graves that I have done nothing about any of this but kept my feelings hidden. No contact - nothing. Not even with my "best friend". Let me say that I may have shaky self esteem at the very worst. I am pretty confident and have never had a man treat me like he did. I had never been stood up (I am 43) until him...I had also never encountered a man who "could not perform" in my lifetime until him.I am finding myself irate about this. No one seems to understand. I am not unattractive - I have a great personality. She is an attractive woman. But I suspect she has borderline personality disorder and I know she is Bipolar. In the three years on Facebook, she has been in and out of so many relationships. Falls madly in love, then something happens. She gets beat up. She also has a drug abuse problem.Why am I so angry? Is it irrational? She posted pictures of meals out, flowers, etc. He did NOTHING for me but take, take, take. Please help me understand myself.Sorry this is so long.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, wildannie +, writes (19 November 2013):
wildannie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your help - I did not bookmark this site and had a terrible time finding it again! I know this has hurt my pride and ego - two bad words in themselves.
I guess they have gotten engaged after three weeks.
My friend was on Facebook today touting how wonderful of a man he is - treating her sister as she has always deserved to be treated. And announcing their engagement.
Not sure what I feel worst about - my friend not even having a conversation with me about it or their happiness.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 November 2013):
Maybe she demanded it? Who knows? Facebook, however, is not an accurate guage of love or happiness, so stop putting to much faith in it.
Second, if he's happier with her, more in love with her, more romantic with her, etc, it only means they are more compatible. Maybe she finds poor hygiene irresistible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): It's hard to figure out...Maybe she is clear about her expectations and sets boundaries of what she will or won't accept? Despite all her own limitations and problems, if she was firm with him he probably knew he had to toe the line or move off.You said you were unlike yourself and didn't really share or tell him what you wanted/thought/expected, so he had no idea. Either way, he didn't make ANY effort, he used and abused, so not worth crying over any spilt milk with him. With her, he may be putting on a window dressing now, but you know the REAL him, and pretty soon that side will come out. Coupled with her drugs, bipolar and other issues, it's bound for doom, and even if not, let it go. He isn't worth it.You will find someone better, more deserving of you. Keep your standards high, don't settle, and be patient - your time will come.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2013): "Why am I so angry?"
Because even though he's a lying, freeloading scumbag you can't stand the thought of him choosing another woman over you because you're better than she is.
"Is it irrational?"
Yes. Don't fall into the trap of allowing your ego and vanity to override your common sense and good judgment.
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