| A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hello agony aunts. I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago, because we basically went through a lot of arguments the last couple of months. It's been a really stressful relationship and very toxic, and every time during a fight he would blame me for him treating me in a mean way, instead of understanding me and look for a solution, he would just want to prove that I'm the evil one here and he only tries to win the argument. Every time I tell him that I'm done with him, he would come back and still make me feel like crap, calls me a liar and that I never loved him and if I do, then I have to prove it. Not to mention that he calls me a scum and says that he will always hold a grudge against me. I've never told him such hurtful disrespectful things. Today he came back and did the same thing, since he's with me in uni, it's easy for him to find me and sit with me. I wanted to end those non endless arguments, and I know that if I respond to him, he will talk non stop and move from one topic to another. He sat next to me, and I stayed silent the whole conversation while he kept telling me the same hurtful things he says to me during arguments. He told me that what im doing is disrespectful and I should reply to him, he said that I'm staying silent because I'm a liar and I have nothing to say because "he exposed me" And that I've fooled him, and for him to believe that I'm not a liar, I should prove to him that I love him. Although I was boiling inside, I remained silent, because if I talked, we will sink in the same argument over and over, and he will remain the same no matter how many arguments we have and no matter how many times he apologize to make things right. I blocked him everywhere and for some reason I'm feeling relief. I still feel some sadness because of him accusing me of lying for all the things that I said (that I love him etc) but I don't believe in such thing as 'proving' that I love him, if he noticed that I didn't then he would have ended it before I did, thats why I stayed silent and thought that trying to explain myself is useless. Was it really disrespectful of me to do that? I know that communication is always better but he doesn't seem to do that and instead, he tries to always play the victim. Did he deserve it or did I do it the wrong way? He have some classes with me in uni and I'm worried how should I act, do I completely ignore him (stay silent the same why I did today because that's the only solution to keep him away even if I told him that I need space, he approaches me the same day).
View related questions:
broke up, liar Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 December 2019):
 Your ex is taking advantage of your silence. Some people need to be told loud and clear that they need to back off and your ex is one of them. The next time he comes to talk to you, talk to him clearly.
"Listen to me clearly for the last time. You are harassing me and this has been going on for far too long. If you make any other attempt to speak to me in any way, I will be forced to report you to the authorities. You have misconstrued my silence as me weakness and just because i am quiet, does not mean I'm going to take this nonsense any longer."
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 December 2019):
 Yep, you did the right thing.
He keep doing this to you because you allow it, you sit there and listen which gives him ample opportunity to keep belittling you and "proving" that he is "right".
He doesn't WANT to own his actions towards you. He wants you to be the "bad guy". Because that means HE hasn't to accept that he was a piece of shit BF.
Next time he comes sit next to you at uni, YOU get your happy ass up and WALK away. EVERY time. Tell him:" dude we broke up, we are done and I AM done listening to your shit and being your verbal punching bag. So LEAVE me alone. Don't talk to me, don't sit with me, just leave me alone."
You are being WAY to meek and vague when you sit silent and don't stand up for yourself. Not saying that you need to ARGUE with him or yell at him but TELL him in no uncertain terms that it's OVER and YOU are done with him, he can think whatever he wants about you, because THAT you have no control over, but you CAN control WHO you allow into your "space".
If you get up and he follows you, go to the women's bathroom for a break or if you have friends at uni go sit with them. If he KEEPS persisting talk to campus police or whatever security you have, ASK what you NEED to do, including if you HAVE to file a report for harassing you. Because he IS harassing you.
...............................
A
female
reader, .Tzimisce.  +, writes (13 December 2019):
He sounds awful! and sounds like he has some personal issues of his own. You are definitely not in the wrong, you are trying to make things work by communicating correctly and he does not want to reciprocate. You can report him to the university campus staff or security about him for harassment, or better yet the police if things escalate!
He needs help, but not from you, from a licensed psychologist or counsellor. You've done your part and have told him your boundaries - to stay away from you and to not talk to you - his broken your boundaries, causing disrespect and therefore you'd have every right to report him
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (13 December 2019):
 Make your right hand into a fist.
With your palm up extend your arm in his direction.
Raise your middle finger.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (13 December 2019):
 No, you are NOT wrong. In fact, I think you are handling it admirably. I'm not sure I would have the patience in your position.
I wonder, would you have the courage to actually stand up to him and tell him to leave you alone? Each time he approaches you, say in a loud voice "Go away. Leave me alone." Or something less polite if you wish. Then walk away. Keep repeating it in a loud voice for everyone to hear.
Could you get the help of friends to help here? I am guessing he wouldn't be so persistent if you were not on your own?
He is an abuser. He needs to turn this around onto you because abusers cannot admit they may be in the wrong, therefore it is always the other person's "fault". Thank goodness you have the maturity and strength of character to stand up to him.
Is there anyone at uni you can approach about this to discuss your safety? Have you told friends or family? Or even filed a police report if you feel unsafe? Please be careful when out and about as he doesn't sound at all stable. I worry for your safety.
...............................
|
