A
female
age
41-50,
*mintrouble
writes:Help,I'm married and have kids. I recently ran into an old boyfriend from my teenage years. My husband knows his name (Chris) and what we did (we never had 'all the way' sex, I just performed oral sex on him about 10 times or so).Anyway, I ran into Chris at the grocery store and mentioned that I'm taking classes at a local college. He asked for my phone#, and I gave it to him (stupid, I know). Anyway, this was months ago, and we've spoken a few times, and he found out what class I was taking and he signed up for the same one!Last week, we went out for a few drinks after our class (my husband lets me go out, but thinks it's a mixed group of people). He followed me to our house so I could leave my car and a note for my husband that I'd be back by 11:00, went out with college friends. After a few drinks, he drove me back home (again, stupid, now he knows where we live), and in our driveway he was pushing me to fool around. Even though I was a little tipsy, I said, no, I'm married, and it would be wrong. Chris said, well you've sucked me off before, so it wouldn't be like you did another guy. Well, I gave in and did it (gave him a blowjob). Now I feel horrible about cheating on my husband, and Chris made comments after the last class about doing it again or... (I think he was hinting that if I don't keep sucking his penis, he will tell my husband that I just gave him a blowjob in our driveway last week. Help, how do I tell my husband what I did without hurting him, or damaging our marriage?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Easy - lie!! Ok, not the most ethical response, but (I don't mean this nastily), I'm not giving advice to a nun here! One word: proof. And Chris has none. Tell Chris no, steer clear of him, tell your husband oh-so-casually that Chris has enrolled in your class and that he dropped you home after drinks one night and it was strange seeing him after so many years etc.. and if Chris does have the b*lls to initiate such a conversation with your husband (doubtful that he would as he's risking getting a black eye or two, and he sounds like a coward), feign shock and disgust. No! That NEVER happend! Why would he be so hurtful?? etc.. etc.. That you thought he was being platonic which is why you gave him your number and let him drive you home and all.It may take somewhat of an academy-award-winning performance, but go with it. Not a great option, but it's certainly the lesser of two evils!
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 There are three things you can do...
1-End it with Chris and take the chance he will not tell your husband
2-End it with Chris, tell your husband the truth
3-Get some secret on Chris that would wreck his life worse than yours, and extort him the way he is doing to you. THen END it.
Your marriage was already damaged when you took a number you know you should not have, and then lied to your husband about who you were going out with.
If you tell him about a "guy" in your class coming on too strong, he WILL find out it is Chris, so that is a no go. You already lied to him.
The fact is there is already too much happening, and the chances of him finding out about this are very high. You decided to risk your marriage with a loser, thus you must now deal with the consequences...
In life you only choose your actions (or inactions)...you NEVER get to choose the consequences as those are actions based on others.
-Frank B KErmit
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 September 2007):
 How to do this without damaging your marriage???? Right!!
No matter how you go about it, it's going to hurt. Unless you've messed up before, no one can say how your husband is going to react to this behavior. Now let me ask you honestly. Do you really think he's going to tell your husband if you don't continue. No one is that stupid. Let's go tell her husband she's blowing me so he can really kick the shit out of me. I'd say, while in your driveway, you want to tell him, I think we should let me go get him, I bet he wouldn't be sitting there by the time you came back out.
You need to just be honest with him. If he decides to take off because of your choice, remember it was your choice, and loosing the marriage is one of the possible consequences for your decision.
I am going to tell you too, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS EX. I don't care how many times you blew him in high school, or if you see him as being a friend. He is manipulative. Why is the first clue of not mentally correct behavior he displayed. Signing up for a class, he knew you were taking. How much closer to attachment and stalking can you get. Now he has your phone number, knows where you live, and is willing to affect your marriage if you don't do as he said.
The first time, you should have just gotten out of the car and said goodbye. I'm sorry but I really can't see how you truly love your husband or respect your family doing this with an ex. And with children involved. You've affected your whole family and not just your husband.
Here's the deal. I'm sure you understand what a contract is. A two party agreement. A marriage is a contract. You violated it's terms, so now it's up to your husband if he decides to extend it or terminate it. Just be honest and be honest about his threats as well. He needs to be aware of that, so there's no surprises. This "old friend" I don't think has the best intentions for your happiness. Even after you tell your husband, I don't think that will be the last you'll hear from him. I will say this, coming from a man, Chris is a piece of crap.
I want you to take this in. If someone tries to talk you into doing something, and they know you are married, just by asking they disrespected you, your marriage and your kids. They are not a friend, because friend's look out for and protect the feelings of their friends. Chris got what he wanted. He probably saw you, remembered the great bj's you gave way back then, and was determined to get something he missed. That was his intention, from the time he said HI.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Well there's no way to do that! Since this guy is so manipulative, just tell your husband there's a guy in your class that's coming on too strong and hasn't been too happy that you've said "no" to his advances. That's all he needs to know about Chris. He doesn't need to know the history, he certainly doesn't need to know that you stooped to his demands. Chris has no proof that you actually went down on him and while I don't normally condone the fib and forget, I would in this case. He's manipulative and he took advantage of your somewhat drunken state. You acted poorly and you exercised terrible judgement but I think you've learned your lesson. Don't let this guy into your social circle again. Don't go anywhere with him, don't let yourself be alone with him and don't give in to his demands out of fear. He has nothing on you, no proof, just idle threats. Just be sure you don't discuss the incident with ANYONE and above all, don't ever put yourself in that situation again! You know better! If you love your husband, you've got to be smarter in the future or this problem will repeat itself and you'll get caught and lose everything.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 oh dear.
sounds like he had a trap and you walked straight into it.
although it's not what you'll want to hear, you need to tell your husbamd otherwise this guy will have a hold on you for however long he chooses and when he does decide to tell your husband, he'll wonder why you never said it to him. he'll be angry, upset and hurt but he'll respect your honesty and if you leave it any longer it'll only get worse. he'll think you did more but that's natrual and he'll shout and walk out but give him space and let him calm down.
you need to tell him and now.
best of luck
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A
female
reader, 12121 +, writes (25 September 2007):
im nt being funny but that was a really bad thing to do. but hey we all do stupid things. bt wot wrong with this man his obviusly stalking u! no matter wot way u tell ur husband it is really going to hurt him. if i was u i wuldnt tell him and hope for the best that the maniack gets bored of tourmenting u. but wot eva u do, do nt do it agen bcus he will always keep threaterning u and this will make things worst if he does tell ur husband in the end. gd luck
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