A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently ended a three-year long relationship because I realised that I no longer loved my partner (at least, not in a romantic way).A friend of mine also ended his relationship on the same day - I'll call him "Bob". It'd been pretty obvious over the few days before then that we were mutually interested in each other, and that evening we 'confessed' and kissed, etc. Over the last couple of weeks we've basically started a relationship (although it's not really official) and tried to keep things secret, but didn't take too much care over it.However I told my ex about my crush on Bob before we broke up. A day after the break up, I talked to my ex one last time on the phone (he wanted to finalise things) and he made me promise not to hook up with Bob in particular because he knew about my crush... even though I'd already done that the night before. It was just because my ex sounded so upset, on the verge of breaking down, and said it would completely destroy him if he thought I basically dumped him for someone else, someone who I'd only known for a few weeks.I guess I shouldn't have lied already but I just didn't want to send him further into unhappiness when it was so bad already.Anyway, Bob's ex found out that we'd been sleeping together a couple of days ago. At the moment she thinks it was just a rebound thing.She doesn't want to accept that her relationship is over, and keeps texting and calling Bob with alternately "normal" inane texts and manipulative upset ones. She's also messaged me a few times, at first in "code" trying to get me to go off Bob and be on her side - since she suspected that something was going on, even if she didn't know for certain - and indirectly insult me. I also know that she's insulted me in her calls to Bob.At the moment I'm feeling both a bit amused and irritated by this - I don't like how I also have to be a part of her and Bob's ex-relationship, and how her texts keep intruding on us. But Bob says that he feels he owes her, given that he dumped her and she's so unhappy, and that he still wants to be friends like they were before. I completely understand the feeling, since I'm also in the same position....So I have two main questions. 1. How should I deal with Bob's ex? I don't want to respond to her directly, but I'm not sure what exactly to say to Bob about her since I'm not certain of my feelings myself.2. What should I tell my own ex? I feel I need to tell him that I've been seeing Bob before we make it public, especially if Bob's ex found out already. But if I tell the whole truth (that we hooked up so quickly after ending relationships, even before I made the promise not to, and that it wasn't meaningless because we're planning on being together properly next year when this dies down a bit) then he would just be unbearably upset. There's no good way to tell him that apparently his feelings meant nothing to me if I was so ready to break an important promise.I want to lie a bit or at least cover things up to soften the blow, but maybe that would be even worse.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 December 2013):
 you deal with bob's ex by NOT dealing with her... block her number on your phone... do not take her calls or texts or emails...and if one slips through IGNORE IT... she will stop.
you also owe your EX NOTHING... he's an EX partner... as long as there are no children and the break up is finalized you move on and remove them both from your life.
We break up with ex partners because it's not working out.. no need to remain friends with them.
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