A
female
age
51-59,
*eg5180
writes:Ok, here is one for ya. Been in a serious relationship with a wonderful man and things are great except for my two girls (ages 19 and 20) from a previous marriage. I thought it would be his 11 year old daughter that would be a problem, but no... My girls are jealous of me spending so much time with him. I have told them many times that I would make special time for them but that's not good enough. They say they like him, yet they don't act like it. HELP!!!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 Yes, I am sure you can work out something that can please everybody ( or , at least, not displease anyone) and I think that once these girls realize they are have nothing to worry and that no man will ever chase them from their place in your heart ( as if ! ), you can start "blending " gradually more and more . It is quite a balancing act for now, but, look at the positives : not only you have a great boyfriend to spend your time with ,but also two grown up daughters, who still want their mom's time ( I think it's so CUTE !)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 Yeah I have a grown son like that... tell him to call me any time but he only sees me if i push him... and we don't live together so I don't see him often.
personally I would schedule time with the girls... tell them
hey what day next weekend do you want to do something...then do it.
they don't have much in common with an 11 yr old so I can see why they don't want to do family things...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 November 2012):
 Sorry I posted before your last two responses showed up, now it appears that things will settle down on their own IMHO. I have two adult daughters so I know where you are coming from.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 November 2012):
SVC has a valid point. When does he see his own child if he's with you everyday except Tuesdays? She sounds like the one being short-sheeted to me.
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female
reader, Meg5180 +, writes (29 November 2012):
Meg5180 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Cindy you are right. I will start staying home on Sundays in an effort to spend more quality time with the girls. The reson I ask them to choose time to schedule time with me is not because of me, but because they are so busy themselves. I appreciate this feedback! I love my girls with all my heart and I don't want them to think I am putting him before them. I hope things get better and we all can grow and blend together peacefully!
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female
reader, Meg5180 +, writes (29 November 2012):
Meg5180 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo very Confused,
you are right, things at my home are starting to slack, though I enjoy our time so much that I have not said anything. I know it seems that I only make time for my girls on day a week, but I swear I have told them over and over to pick a day and I will be there. Whatever they want to do. If it's dinner, shopping or a movie I'm game. They just never take me up on it.
As for his daughter, she splits custody with the mom. She does go to grandma's house (her choice) sometimes but when he has her we do things together. We have offered my girls to be included but they never take us up on it.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 November 2012):
Interesting. When your daughters told you to leave your husband , you listened. When they told you to start dating , you listened. But when they tell you ( even if not in so many words ) that you are lavishing on this guy too much time and attention as compared to what you give them, you are not listening. I wonder way.
You are still a young woman, and you have to live your life, but it sounds that for some reasons you have trouble finding a balance. Perhaps you should sit down with the girls and work out a schedule which is a happy medium, a reasonable compromise. Setting time apart to be together and do things together. That may lack spontaneity and " spur of the moment ", but I think that's better that slowly drifting totally away.
You don't have to sit home alone all week,... then again people normally don't have to give notice weeks in advance to see their MOM. Maybe they have trouble " fitting you in " precisely because you are always so busy , basically you are only free Tuesday nights , and anything they want to do with you any other day means that you'd have to cancel with the guy last minute,- and resenting them for the imposition - or to drag him along.
Plus, do they need to submit special projects , to be able to see mom ? what about if they don't have any special outing planned out, if they want to just lounge around your place in tracksuits, shooting the breeze about nothing in particular...?
Maybe this is what makes it so difficult for them, the idea that they have to come up with something special or interesting or " quality time " enough, to justify you staying away from your bf.
I don't know, maybe it would be enough for them, that they could find you at home on Sunday nights so that they can touch base , if they wish, at the end of a busy weekend. Why don't you ask them what THEY suggest, how they would work it out so that you can MAKE more time for each other ? It is not impossible to find some solution that's acceptable for everybody, and I really think you should. Again, I think you are very lucky, and you don't know it, you are missing out. In 10 years they could have relocated to the other end of the country, or of the world- or could be so incredibly busy with their OWN kids and husbands and jobs and houses etc., that mom necessarily will have to be only a voice on the phone for extended periods of time.
NOW you've got them still with you, - enjoy them and cherish your times together , until you can!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2012):
Meg,
I was a single mom for many years. My kids are older than yours now.. I understand your feelings. I had an LDR for a year last year with my now husband. My kids are grown and gone and I was at his place every weekend for a year… even though I lived alone my home suffered.
I fear that while you are happy seeing your BF as often as you are, that your home life is suffering with you being gone so much.
AN HOUR away here is a daily commute. I think you may need to consider some more HOME time on the weekends. 10 months is a decent amount of time, your girls are old enough, and if you are serious about this relationship some changes need to be made.
1. You are only giving your girls time when he’s not available. Perhaps they feel that he is more important than they are since you don’t give up time with him for them. A Saturday afternoon mother daughter shopping is one of my best memories of my mom… we may not have done it often but once in a while we went for lunch and a bit of shopping just the girls. YOU have two girls and they each deserve private time with you.
He is at your place wednesays and Thursdays… so the only day you don’t see him is Tuesdays.
Where is his little girl? When does he see her? Does he make time for her? Are the two of you trying to integrate the families?
Why does he not come to your home on alternate weekends? I get totally wanting to be together full time. I get being apart sucks. The first year my husband was my boyfriend we were two hours apart… if we had been an hour I’m not sure he would have given up his place and moved… an hour is barely a distance in this day and age.
I think that you need to come up with a compromise and be at your place on alternate weekends.
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A
female
reader, Meg5180 +, writes (29 November 2012):
Meg5180 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Cindy cares. I understand what you are saying, however it is not just Tuesdays I spend with the girls. Since they have such busy schedules, I told them to pick some time (anytime) and we will do something. They just have chosen not to. I spend every weekend with my bf because the girls are not home either. I would be sitting all alone at home so why not soend it with him. I don't think people realize this but my girls work two jobs, go to school and have relationships. They really never had time for me and still don't. They just want me sitting at home so when they buzz in, im there. I have always told them and tried to show them how important they are to me. I would do anything for them, but at the same time I am in love and really enjoy my time with him.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 November 2012):
Oh wow a whole Tuesday night for mother/ daughters time , no doubt they are overjoyed being showered with all this attention ! They must feel suffocated, almost !
Look, you are a mother , and being a mother is not about " fair " . Is it fair that when kids are younger, they ALWAYS want to sit on your lap just when you are watching your favourite TV show , but when you are free and available for some cuddle time, they are busy with their playdates or with their Power Rangers or whatnot ? :)
Fair has got nothing to do with it, you give what you are requested when is requested and needed, no haggling.
With common sense of course. Sure, your daughters are not kids, are young adults with a busy life, and ,yes, perhaps it's a bit selfish and thoughtless of them to want you around when THEY have time. But, this is a big change and a big transition for them, I'd say it should be handled gradually, with tact and understanding and LOVE from your side.
It's normal that they feel taken aback of being passed from the very center of your life, to " we receive on appointment on Tuesday nights ". The fact that you have a great bf and you want to enjoy your relationship does not cancel that YOUR DAUGHTERS are your family, and if they still want have a certain amount of family time, I'd say you should call yourself very lucky .
It's always like this, who's got teeth has no bread, who's got bread has no teeth.
I am not particularly talking about myself, my son ( 23 ) and I are close, and he does not mind , for instance, going to see a movie or a play with his mom once in a while. But , he's a man and I have always thought that if I had had a girl... now it would be so cool, we could go shopping together, or to the beauty saloon together... or have girls nights, you know, talking about love and life....while we do each other's nails... you could do all that, and you spurn it, in favour a 10 months old new entry ??
Your daughters are a bit jealous, yes, because they feel that they 've lost their privileged place in your heart for the first pair of trousers who showed up on your horizon. It is an injust, irrational fear, but I must say , the way you are behaving does nothing to reassure them . You are not a lovesick teenager that MUST spend every free minute with her love object or she does not even feel alive, - so why are you acting like one ?
Why spending ALL your weekends with him ? Why not have a Sunday meal , at least every other weekend, with YOUR birth family - while he has it with HIS ? Why tryng to impose them this guy at every outing when you are not even engaged or living together ? Do they force you to tag along with their boyfriends ?
They still want time with YOU as a family (and , again, you are lucky that they feel so ). Do not introduce too sudden changes, proceed gradually,make them feel loved and IMPORTANT, same as this guy is important, and they 'll come around and be more accepting and welcoming of him.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 Hi
Well with the new information I can see where they are coming from.
Why dont you have a weekend when your at home at least once a month.Being away every weekend is a big chunk out of your time with the girls. Yes they may have boyfriends but your their mum.I used to have a shopping day once a month and nights at the cinema or theatre with my daughter regardless of what else we were up to in our lives.A TV and quilt night on the sofa with chocolate once a week. Now she's left I am glad I was around and I enjoyed her. We are still close but she has her life now too,shes well adjusted and her careers good.
You don't have to give up your boyfriend at all you deserve happiness too, just re think the time you two have together,make the girls see they are important.Talk to them and your boyfriend so you can sort it out before they move on to independance.See things from their point of view.
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A
female
reader, Meg5180 +, writes (29 November 2012):
Meg5180 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to the comment left by the male reader, I'm shocked! First let me say that my 20 year marriage was horrible and it was my oldest daughter that pleaded for me to leave her father. I was staying and trying to work things out so that my kids would not be from a a broken home. They saw how unhappy I was and knew how he was cheating on me continuously! Second, I did date only because my girls encouraged me to. They didn't want me sitting around alone. They wanted me to live my life. Saying that I never brought men home nor shared my bedroom with any of them. This man I am with has always been respectful and to this day has never stayed at my home when the kids have been there. As for his daughter, he shares custody and he to is very discreat about things. I didn't even meet her until abou the 5 month mark because he wanted to be sure before introducing me to her. Please know there is more then what you may read in my posts. I also do not give them one day a week. I had always told my girls anytime you want we will do something. Just let me know. Because they have busy schedules themselves I gave them the choice however they never ask to spend any time with me. Am I supposed to just sit and wait for them to fit me in?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): "I have told them many times that I would make special time for them but that's not good enough. They say they like him, yet they don't act like it. HELP!!!"
Your daughters may now be legal adults, but they are still upset and traumatized that the only home they knew with their parents has been irretrievably broken up, and their father has been replaced by a parade of men traipsing in and out of their mother's life and bedroom. Your life revolves around rotating shack-ups with your short-term boyfriend(s) that has reduced motherhood to a one day per week part-time avocation.
Divorce is traumatic for kids at any age, and yours occurred at a particularly vulnerable time in their lives (16 nad 17). You should be more concerned with your daughters' emotional well-being and less concerned with your love life. BTW boyfriend is setting a terrible example for his 11-year-old daughter, in effect teaching her that shuttling shack-ups are normal and expected behavior. I hope she doesn't end up pregnant at 15.
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A
female
reader, Meg5180 +, writes (29 November 2012):
Meg5180 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have always tried to make them feel included with the relationship. I have offered them to do and go places with us in an effort to get them to feel more comfortable around him. They both are in serious relationships and between that, work and college classes they are never even home. It's me that was always sitting home alone before we got serious. They want me to be around when they have the time. I don't think that is fair. Ugh
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (29 November 2012):
 Your daughters are at a transitional period in their lives. They are just about adults and yet they still feel the need to be around you.
I think you need to listen to them a little bit. It sounds like you are only in their lives from Tuesday - Thursdays. They want to have fun with you too and my guess is that Tuesdays through Thursdays involve mundane day to day stuff. Homework, school, eating, cleaning etc. I can certainly see why they are resentful that your boyfriend has the best part of you and hopefully you see that too.
They are both technically adults now and they need to realize mommy won't be there with them, holding their hands for the rest of their lives. I think it is time that you explain to them that soon they are going to be on their own -- one way or another. However, this transition shouldn't happen overnight and it sounds like it is happening at a pace faster than what they want. Listen to their concerns and at least try to meet them half way.
I am not telling you to let them run your life, but definitely don't rip the proverbial bandage off hastily.
I would encourage you to devote at least some of your attentions to them. You don't want to abandon them -- girls like that feel forgotten tend to hook up with bad guys. Why not try to include them in at least one of your fun outings with your boyfriend? Perhaps a group movie, bowling, go to the gym together, an amusement park -- whatever makes all of you happy. Find an afternoon activity and make the most of it.
Remember your girls just want a piece of your time. They probably don't care what you do. Just don't make them feel completely out of the picture. That resentment can last a lifetime.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX +, writes (29 November 2012):
 I'm your daughters age...My parents aren't divorced or anything, but I am close to my mum and i'd get jealous too if I could only spend 1 day with mine, whilst all the rest of the time she was occupied with someone else. Especially if i had to share that time with a sibling too. Maybe you could make a couple more days available to spend with them?
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A
female
reader, Meg5180 +, writes (29 November 2012):
Meg5180 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been together 10 months. Though we do not live together I go to his house Mondays and Fridays. ( I spend all weekend at his house. He lives an hour away. He comes to me on Wednesdays and Thursdays. He works on Tuesday nights so I always save that for mom daughter time. I always make myself available to them even if I'm not home. Been divorced from the girls father for almost three years and though I have had boyfriends none have been serious like this.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 November 2012):
 How ironic! HIS daughter (age 11 YO) is acting like an adult.... and YOUR's (ages 19 and 20) are acting like young children....
There's really no "question" here.... IF your girls continue to behave like jerks, you ignore them.... and, if necessary, let them know that their childish behaviour is not appropriate..... AND continue to support the adult behaviour of your new man-friend's daughter....
If your girls continue with the drama.... just brush it aside. There's really no other way to reveal to them that their childish behaviour is inappropriate.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 November 2012):
Hi
How long have you been with him and is it the only serious relationship you have had since divorce? Does he live with you? If he doesn't live with you where do you see him and how often? Need to take these things into account.
The girls will be gone soon with their own lives and they need to accept you have one too. If you still have quality time with them and are 'there' when they need mum to talk to, then its time they accept him and you being a couple.It may take some time for them to adjust but be firm.At least they like him.
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