A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi.I wrote before about my boyfriend who has no contact with his son and there was a pretty clear response from you counties and uncles, that his behaviour is no good. Especially moving were responses from those of you whose fathers were absent.I'm writing again because I want to give more details, to just see if you think his behaviour is excusable, given the complex situation.So, 15 years ago, he got together with the mother. She told him she had cysts on her ovaries and had been told by the doctor she could not conceive. She told him not to bother with contraception. She immediately then became pregnant and then after a couple of months dumped my boyfriend and got back together with her ex. They moved away to another part of the country.He left the country too at this stage.He did not see his son born or know his name. He says he just forgot he existed.Five years later he came back to England and saw a photo of this child in his dad's house. His dad told him it was his son, and told him his name. So he went and found him and he got back together with the mother again (she was single again now).Then after a few months the mother was unfaithful to him, so he left her but he kept sending Christmas and birthday presents. Themother threw the presents away and said she never wanted to see him again.He left the country....When he came back five years later he started seeing his son, taking him to the cinema etc. His mother wanted to get back together with him but he didn't trust her anymore so he refused to go back. She made life difficult for him so he just kept his distance from both of them.Now he has been living in the same place for 5 years, he never sees his son and he says he would not recognise him. He says he gave his mobile number to one of the uncles when he saw him in the pub, to pass the message on to get in touch if he likes. He says the ball is in the son's court now.I said that was very unfair on the child. He has now emailed the mother saying he would like her to pass on to the son his details so if he wants to meet up, he can.He says that now he is sticking around for a bit longer then it makes sense to try and establish more of a relationship. He says that up until now he feels no emotional connection to his son.I said he is just doing it because it suits him. Also because he is trying to do what I want as he wants to.keep me.My questions are related to whether his role is nothing more than sperm donor who got sucked in, since she lied about her fertility at the start.What about women who use men for sperm, are they actually abusing these men by dragging them into fatherhood?If he didn't see the baby born because he was dumped early in the pregnancy and she moved away, does that forgive his absence?He says, am I supposed to follow her around the country while she has relationships with a whole series of men?I'm so confused. I feel so bad for his son and wish he cared about him more but I don't want to be unsympathetic to my boyfriend.Please, any more light you can shed from any perspective at all would be greatly appreciated.Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Thanks guys. It's the OP here. Really appreciate reading your thoughts. Mostly they chime with mine. Guess I need a bit more confidence in myself to stand up for what I believe in. But your replies help there so thanks a lot.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 nope he's at fault totally.
1. even if a woman SAYS she can't get pregnant if a man does not want to be a father or contract a disease he should wear a condom. I know lots of women who were told they were infertile and married and resigned themselves to no babies who are mothers now. some several times over including a right ovary and a left fallopian tube... amazing what a body can do. HE blew it with that right there.
2. if he wanted a relationship with his child he should have had one. EVEN if he didn't want one he should have been paying child support. HE LEFT... his choice. clearly his FATHER had a relationship with his grandchild... the dad just dropped the ball.
3. there are court orders to allow parents to see their children if the custodial parent is not cooperative. HE did not even try.
4. YOU are making a laundry list of reasons why it's OK for him to be a bad dad.... you boyfriend does not deserve sympathy. He's a deadbeat dad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): OP in all honesty these are questions you must decide upon, this is kind of an important thing that you really should consider and match them to your beliefs and moral standards first and foremost, please don't base any decisions on our opinions, the opinion of anonymous internet strangers.
But here's how I see it.
OP she didn't trap him into conceiving, I don't care that your boyfriend uses it as an excuse or sees it that way. You can get pregnant with ovarian cysts. Not only that there's every possibility that she assumed she couldn't, or that she said that it was highly unlikely she'd get pregnant and he agreed to it. OP not using condoms is a mutual decision, she didn't force him not to and the risk of STD's is a pretty good reason to use them. It's not like she collected used condoms and used a turkey baster to inseminate herself. He made that choice knowing full well the risks. I have never had sex without a condom without being willing to take the risk of being a father. Even when I didn't want to be and I made drunken mistakes the idea wasn't so abhorrent to me that I would have been upset at being a father. I don't understand why men take that risk, that's the final point in the whole process where we have a 100% say in whether she has a baby or not. After that we're at the mercy of you ladies as it's your body.
Again OP he's blaming her isn't he? Where is he taking responsibility here? This is the same shit as your last question OP, only this time he's trying to validate his complete lack of responsibility by blaming everyone else again.
"He did not see his son born or know his name. He says he just forgot he existed."
Not good at all in my mind, not even to know his name, to completely forget he even existed. This guy finds it very easy to emotionally detach himself from those who are most important to him and he finds it easy because he justifies it to himself by doing the bare minimum of effort and blaming everyone else.
"She made life difficult for him so he just kept his distance from both of them."
Pussy, pure and simple. Again her fault he's not seeing his son. She makes things a little difficult and he runs for the hills, another excuse to not bother anymore.
OP I have yet to meet a single mother who wasn't difficult to the father of their child. I mean break ups are rarely amicable, there's always a bit of conflict between them and I even know some very vicious head strong women that make life exceptionally difficult for the guy but the kid has never, ever been used against them and those fathers haven't just run away for an easy life. OP being a father means you give up the easy life for a life of worrying about them, fighting for them, being ready at a moments notice to what it takes to be there for them and be willing to sacrifice everything to give your kids a great life. That's what you'd want in a father to your kids isn't it?
Is this really that guy? Has he shown that's the kind of guy he is?
"He says he gave his mobile number to one of the uncles when he saw him in the pub, to pass the message on to get in touch if he likes. He says the ball is in the son's court now."
Pathetic OP. That boy has a mobile phone, he has a Facebook profile maybe even twitter. OP let me ask you, is this how you would behave with your child? Can you actually understand where this sounds acceptable in your boyfriends head? I can't figure that out at all. I understand how he justifies it to himself, I understand he just doesn't give a shit and would rather everyone else do all the work for him but I'll never understand how he can think that is okay, how he can think that letting that child suffer without him and feel unwanted by his primary male role model is okay.
"He has now emailed the mother saying he would like her to pass on to the son his details so if he wants to meet up, he can."
Again passing the fucking buck OP. The guy is just not trying, he's trying to appease you in the laziest way possible. Again it's very unlikely that a mother is going to push her beloved 15 year old to make the fucking effort with a guy who is too lazy to it himself. The truth is OP, why would she want her kid to have any contact with a guy like your boyfriend? Look at how he's treated his own son all these years, you's advise against the son seeing him too if he was your kid wouldn't you? Why the hell does he have to make the effort here?
"He says that now he is sticking around for a bit longer then it makes sense to try and establish more of a relationship."
Oh I see, so he'll be father because it's convenient for him now? Nice. So he'll be a father because he's sticking around anyway and only if the kid makes the effort to be his son. Wrong fucking way around OP, isn't it?
"Also because he is trying to do what I want as he wants to.keep me."
Not doing a very good job if you ask me, you don't sound stupid at all OP and the fact you're here questioning him again says you're smart enough to be suspicious of all this.
"My questions are related to whether his role is nothing more than sperm donor who got sucked in, since she lied about her fertility at the start."
Aw come on OP, he's just blaming her again.
"If he didn't see the baby born because he was dumped early in the pregnancy and she moved away, does that forgive his absence?"
Again blaming her. See the pattern here? You have to decide whether that forgives his absence. I certainly wouldn't.
"He says, am I supposed to follow her around the country while she has relationships with a whole series of men?"
Again what a low life douche OP, her fault, what am I supposed to do. It's not fucking about her, it's about the son. Hate the mother all you want, but fight for your kid, douche! What has her love life got to do with him being able to see his kid?
OP where in any of this has your boyfriend taken any responsibility for his actions?
He hasn't at all as he?
1. She made him get her pregnant, stole his sperm, lied.
"Not my fault"
2. She dumped me and got back with her ex.
"Not my fault"
3. They moved him to a different part of the country.
"Not my fault"
4. She was unfaithful.
"Not my fault"
5. She threw away the presents.
"Not my fault"
6. She made life difficult for him.
"Not my fault"
7. Gave his uncle my number, he can call me if he wants.
"Not my fault"
8. Email the mother to pass on details.
"Not my fault"
OP I'll ask you again, is this really the kind of father who you want for your kids? Really? He's only making an effort to appease you and what a pathetic attempt too. Now even if he does go directly to the kid, it's only going to be because you said that's what has to happen. He just won't do anything for anyone else unless it suits him, he take no responsibility and he's just not good father material at all OP.
Where in all of that did he admit any wrong doing on his part? He didn't and he won't, he does the bare minimum and then just couldn't be bothered his arse, it's too much hassle for him. Well your kids will be too much hassle for him too OP.
Good luck with this one, he hasn't changed a bit in 15 years, he's not going to change now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): If the woman was a cheat and went back to her ex while pregnant, how sure is your boyfriend that this child is his? Has there been a paternity test?
He wasnt being abused by this woman. He could easily have asked to visit her doctor with her and have her infertility confirmed. It would have been the responsible thing to do. OR used condoms to be on the safe side. No one forced him to have unprotected sex and the only victim here is the child. Even he must see that.
Being dumped does not forgive his absence. The woman dumped him, the child had no say in the matter. There is a big difference! If he could move abroad to suit himself, he could just as easily have moved nearer to his new born son and played a part in his life. This man made his own choices and basically did what suited him. No checks, no condoms and off abroad leaving a child behind.
He is only a victim in the sense that he clearly loved/loves this woman very much. To be cheated on and rejected once is terrible and not many people would go back to someone like that. But he did! That has to be love. It is just a shame she cheated on him again. If she hadnt, theirs might be a much happier story now. On the third occasion that they were around each other and she wanted to give things another try, he refused. Not because he did not love her but because he couldnt trust her. Thats a very important difference.
I think he has a very limited capacity for love and most of it is still directed towards his ex. If she wishes to go around the country having relationships with a series of men, that is none of your partners business. He only need concern himself with having contact with his son. What his ex does shouldnt still be bothering him to the extent that it does.
For what its worth, I think you need to feel less sympathy for him. Because if you are only one woman in a string of rebounds, he will be lapping up all the sympathy and attention while playing the victim with his `poor me` stories, when all he has to do is get off his butt and go see his son! Simple as that.
The reality is, he is probably still totally hung up on his ex and the only victims are his child and quite possibly, yourself. I would worry about you and decide if he is really someone you could spend the rest of your life with, given his problems.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Have to agree with Cindy on this one. To me the fact that you wrote a lengthy follow up email to try and justify his behaviour demonstrates that everything he has/is saying to you just isn't ringing true with you.
Obviously we can only give you an outsiders input but if I were you I would think long and hard about my future with this man. Regardless of being a 'sperm doner' or not he has a responsibility to this child due to his biological links and bad behaviour shouldn't come into it
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 Nonsense. The child has no fault if his mother was a lying bitch- and as for that, the liar could be your bf, you only have his version, and , to me, a man who is capable of such porcine egoism is also capable of telling all the lies that would serve his own selfish interests.
Plus, " what am I supposed to do, following her around " ...he is the one who left England, isn't he ? He was not supposed to follow her around, but he was supposed to follow HIS CHILD around...at least for visiting occasionally , England is not Russia or Usa, I mean not huge that you can't work out a visit every now and then, even if the ex had ended up at John O'Groats ! And anyway, he could have stayed in constant contact by phone, mail, e-mail... that's what dads who work abroad do, they don't just disappear from the earth face . Or, actually, even better- he should have recognized his child at birth and asked for joint custody, so the place of residence of his child would have had to be decided together and get his approval before she could move the child around.
Moral, he is feeding you a lot of lines to justify his irresponsibility ...and you are even too happy to swallow them against any logic.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 November 2012):
 WHY would you give a moment's thought to this?
Your "Boyfriend" is a dog.... his ex is a lying bitch... and YOU are a wiping mat for your "man".....
Sorry.... but I can't seem to conjur up much sympathy for you.....
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