A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My cousin is gay, and he happens to have fallen head over heels for a gay older guy (who's 29 and my cousin's 22). There is apparently mutual interest.The older guy is one of those people who is nice but very flirty. I've met him before and he made me feel v. uncomfortable as a straight man. Not that I am homophobic tho. If I was a girl I would say he seemed a bit fake and creepy, he does stuff like write "xxx" at the end of texts to male friends.Anyway, one of my work colleagues who is the same age knew him well at university (good friends so no hidden agenda), and he says that he used to be quite a "wild child," sleeping around left right and centre, doing all kinds of drugs, rating guys "out of 10" (he is very good looking) and being mean to those he thought ugly in the LGBT society, and apparently his room at uni was full of giant naked gay posters. And the sort to "pump and dump". He also put some pictures of his ex boyfriends on the hot or not site w/o their permission.My cousin is not the type to sleep around despite the gay stereotype, and a romantic guy. I have told him this and he says he thinks the older guy has changed as it was about 8 or 9 years ago, but the older guy is still one of those people who is constantly being a bit flirty with guys and though he might not necessarily sleep around any more I feel my cousin could get hurt. I just dont think someone could be so callous towards partners at uni and then have a personality U turn, he is still so flirty. What should I advise my cousin?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (18 January 2015):
 I have some complex thoughts about this, and I need to number them for my own mental organization.
1. First and foremost, there are those who were players in their intemperate, immature youth who have sown their wild oats and have more mature goals in mind, which include a more long term relationship-friendly mindset when it comes to partnerships.
2. However, there are other things you describe about this guy that has nothing to do with being a simple "player", and would cause red flags to pop up in my estimation even if he was a one-partner kind of guy. I'll get to those.
3. The "XXX" or the flirtiness or charisma or magnetic attributes of the guy may be a bit off-putting to you because you're a straight guy. That doesn't make you homophobic, but to you, they may feel foreign because you are inclined for desires for women.
4. The things most disturbing to me that you described were the being really mean to people who he thought were unattractive AND the posting of ex's pictures without their permission as some sort of "revenge". Those aren't the characteristics of "players". His behavior in this respect is disturbing, and maybe he doesn't sleep around or do drugs, but there's immature, and then there's cruel, creepy, vindictive, vicious, mentally or emotionally sadistic. That describes a man who gets satisfaction out of hurting others. THAT doesn't usually go away.
5. He's still in his 20's. He's not that far removed from these college years where he was horrible to and about people. You're right - his age may have made the guy able to be a better actor and more polished about his charm, but there's a saying that if a guy is nice to you but cruel to the "little guy" like a server, janitor, clerk, or anyone deemed "less" than him, then he is NOT a nice guy.
6. The older guy may have settled down his player days, but the way he treated others back then is still cause for concern. As WiseOwle pointed out, what can you do about it? I commend your looking out for your family, and I believe you did the right thing by informing your cousin of what you know about him. If your cousin overrides the information and makes his own choice, then all you can do is hope that the guy has found some kindness or at least some empathy he didn't have before.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2015): I'm a gay man. I learned a long time ago that if a young gay guy sets his sites on a hot guy, it's like a bull after a cow in heat. He will trample anything that gets in his way.
I understand your concern for your cousin, but he's a big boy and he can take care of himself. He needs the experience to prepare him for future relationships. There isn't that large of a gap between their ages, and the older one may have had a party reputation in college to be a player; but players can change. They grow-up. They meet their match. Most people are not the people we were in college. We sowed wild oats, but maturity changes a lot in us. We may not transform into Mother Teresa's baby-sister;
but we do know right from wrong. We also know that no one is immune to a broken-heart. Not even a player!
Like a concerned parent, remember the more you warn a youngster they've made a bad choice in partners, the more determined they'll be to prove you wrong. Even if they have have to break their heart to make a point. It's his choice and he has to face the consequences. Be there for him if that happens.
You're a straight man, but you're also a terrible gossip. You should be ashamed of sharing rumors and innuendo on someone you really only know stories about. Most rumors are started by jealous and rejected bitter queens who go on smear campaigns just because they got turned-down, or scorned after "giving it up!" For all you know, the colleague (with no agenda) may have filled your head with a lot of vicious "fairy" tales out of resentment for your prying into his friend's love-life. All you have to go on is hearsay. He may even have been one of the "not hots."
You're straight and you don't understand the connection between the two of them. Your cousin may just happen to like that "bad-boy" side of him. It may be what he's attracted to. Your cousin wants the excitement, and to be with a hot popular guy. It's a boost to his ego, and he needs to shed his goody-two-shoes adolescent-image in your mind. He's not a little boy anymore, and you don't know everything about his personal-life that you might think you know. Their feelings for each other are mutual.
Your cousin may not be the angel you're thinking he is. He may have a subdued "wild-child" hidden inside you've never met. You're not gay, and you don't go out on all his dates. Or do you?
When we're young and out, we look to the more experienced gay men to teach us about gay-life, and we benefit from their advice and mentoring. Gay-dating is much like teen-dating. They are brief, and mostly fueled by hormones. He has to experience dating with different types as long as he doesn't risk his health or have run-ins with the law. I think your cousin is old enough to know better.
Your opinion is of very little consequence. You don't get to hand-pick and choose his lovers. If he doesn't like his behavior; he'll dump him for his own reasons. Relax.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (17 January 2015):
 It's clear you're a caring person and concerned about your cousin's best interests. He is very lucky to have someone like you looking out for him. But at the end of the day his love life is his own decision. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if your cousin is aware of the things you've heard about this older guy and still chooses to become involved with him, there isn't much more you can do. You can give him your opinion (which it sounds like you may have done already). Beyond that, the choice is his to make and yours to respect.
For what it's worth, many "wild children" of all genders and orientations do reach a point where they have matured mentally and emotionally and are ready for commitment in a relationship. I'm betting many of your peers - male and female - may no longer be virgins at this point in their lives, but ask them if they're ready for a long-term commitment to just one person forever starting tomorrow and most would probably tell you no, they want to see what's out there first. And yet many of them will, *one day*, be ready for marriage, children, and commitment. Your cousin's crush is allowed to have a past, even a colorful one; it's how he treats your cousin in the present that reflects on what kind of person he has become.
Let your cousin know you are there to support him if he needs you, and then leave him the freedom to make the choice for himself.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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