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My cheating ex dotes on his new girlfriend

Tagged as: Cheating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 February 2019) 11 Answers - (Newest, 5 February 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *oxy511 writes:

So I found out my partner was cheating on me November last year and I ditched him (yay)

Our 2 year relationship was pretty rocky throughout and so I absolutely know in my head that I have done the right thing by leaving him.

My gripe though, is that I cannot shake him from my mind and am holding the biggest grudge. I know he got into a relationship the same week that I axed him out of my life and it is really grinding my gears.

I do not miss him - I hate him - but what I hate even more is that he didn't lift a finger for me once in two years and I gave him everything and every ounce of energy I had. Now I learn that he is already whisking this woman away, treating her like royalty and just basically doing everything I did for him and it is leaving me really bitter. How can I not have had anything like that in 2 years after everything I did for him, yet she gets it all within a month?

I have blocked him in every part of my life I can think of - yet stupid things keep popping up to remind me of him and I keep dreaming of him - not in an 'I miss you' way, but I just want to erase him out of my life.

I shouldn't be the one that is still hurting here, I have had a really rough ride with him (he was physically and mentally abusive as well as a cheater) and I just want him to be hurting and feeling lonely, yet he is off gallivanting around as if nothing I did for him ever mattered, and I am the one still feeling worthless and rotten.

What can I do to just let it go? I hate him so much and he is still taking up my energy and brain space by me just festering over how hurt I am over it all while he is having the time of his life. I want him to be hurting, just as much as me, I want him to be lonely for the rest of his life and I want to just feel better and to move on.

Any advice on coming to terms with grudges or moving on, letting things go, would be really useful here. I know worrying and stewing doesn't make things any better, but that doesn't help me switch the feelings off.

Thank you for reading - I appreciate your time x

View related questions: move on

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019):

Oh some amazing answers here.

And sweetheart.

You already knew all These answers anyway. They were bubbling in your brain as you asked the question.

Yes they did.

Listen to them.

Never ever settle for a drizzle of a life.

Never ever let anyone knock your doors down so violently . They're your doirs. Keep them SHUT.

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A female reader, Loxy511 United Kingdom +, writes (5 February 2019):

Loxy511 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you everyone - I take something from each of you and appreciate the advice.

I guess I really just want to fast track to the bit where I feel nothing about any of it at all. I get that I need to give it time, but he hasn't needed any time to get over me despite everything I did for him and that is what annoys me.

I shall just keep trying to distract myself until I just don't care, but at the moment I am just in a bubble of rubbish because I do feel used.

Thank you everyone x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2019):

What he's doing is yet another abusive tactic. He doesn't like that you left him. Abusive people don't like their partners calling the shots. So he's making sure that you suffer.

He is showering her with all this attention and 'love', to show you that you've made the wrong decision. That he didn't care about you as much as her. To keep hurting you as much as possible.

You did make the right decision obviously as you've said, but he wants you to regret it.

Try to move on and forget about him. Abusive people are very good at getting into our heads and staying there. And by using this abusive tactic, its working isn't it?

I know it's difficult to move on, I've been there, they are incredibly manipulative of your feelings, because they don't want you to win and be ok. I'm pretty sure his behaviour is to catch your attention and keep you fixated on him.

I feel sorry for his new girlfriend, if he is abusive. He will be love bombing her like crazy right now and things will seem wonderful from the outside looking in, but you know better than that. You know what he is really like. And one thing about abusive people is that they NEVER change their behaviour, so he will start to treat her badly at some point too. I went through a horrible abusive relationship and I have read a lot about abuse to educate myself and understand abusive tactics. |One was that they will treat their next partner really well, to spite the last one. I think that's what's going on here.

Read about abuse and realise that you are so much better off without him and try to stop letting him play with your head. They like nothing better.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (4 February 2019):

chigirl agony auntDon't worry. There is karma, and it will bite his butt. He will live a miserable and lonely life. Whatever doting you see now is just for show. Im sure he will be treating this new girlfriend like piss, if he isn't already doing it and she's just covering it all up.

But relax. Karma will handle him. So for now, you just need to sit back and do something Nice for yourself, pamper yourself the way you deserve and dont wait for any man to give it to you. Go get it yourself. Want to be whiskered away on a vacation? Book one today and just go. Dont think twice. You deserve it. Dont wait for a man to buy you things or take you places, go on your own! It'll be a lot more fun, I promise you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2019):

He's busy love bombing his new partner.

Not your concern because you moved on.

Only problem is that now your feelings are confused.

You were dating a narcissist and

narcissists need to always win or at least appear to always win.

You can self help by going to you tube and check out people who talk about the damage that narcissists leave you with. You are mentally damaged if your egotistical physically and emotionally abusive ex is still capable of creating negative feelings in you.

So heed the good advice you learn there and you will avoid ever being narked again.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (3 February 2019):

N91 agony auntYou shouldn’t be holding onto any hate for this guy. You probably think that’s a good emotion to have to aid in moving on, surely you’d get over someone you hate quicker? Not true at all. It just keeps them in your head, all the negative things they’ve done to you festering in your mind, nothing you can do to get rid of them.

I have to agree with YCBS in saying that people come in and out of our lives to teach us things. They give us lessons on what behaviours we like in people, what we don’t like, what we will accept from people and what kinds of things to see as warning signs. You now know the signs of an abuser, you can spot it a mile away and know when to leave. You know not to put all of your effort into a relationship where you get nothing back. You know that people will treat partners differently when they’re compatible.

Look at it this way, you and this guy weren’t right for each other. He abused you, never did anything for you and took advantage of you. You know what you want from your next relationship now don’t you? It sounds like this guy has now found someone to be happy with, you feel he ‘doesn’t deserve it’ because of his ill treatment of you, but you have to accept that you allowed him to treat you that way. You stayed for 2 years! Why would you not leave someone sooner that uses physical violence against you? He acted like a dick but you accepted things as they were so why would he change? When you left him maybe he realised how much of an asshole he was, that was HIS lesson from YOU! He changed his ways and now he’s happy with someone else.

Stop the bitterness. Accept things worked out for the best and the right person is out there still for you to meet, being pissed off about it won’t solve anything. Remember this quote ‘Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die’.

Accept and be at peace with everything that’s happened, better things are coming your way, good luck.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (3 February 2019):

Anonymous 123 agony auntSomeone once told me that you know you're over your ex when you are absolutely indifferent to them. You don't have any feelings of affection for them and neither do you have any feelings of hatred or extreme dislike. When you hear their name, you don't feel anything.

If you hate him so much then you're still not over him.

You have to see a few things here OP. First, who do you actually hate? Him? Or his new girlfriend? Is it hatred or jealousy because she's getting all that you didn't?

Second, you have to realise something very important. You can be the best person in the world or the best version of you, you can do everything right, BUT, there will still be that person who doesn't "fit" with you, who doesn't appreciate you, who's not suited for you. There's nothing you can do about it, you have to realise and accept it.

Your ex is probably just better suited for the other girl. It's not because you did something wrong, it's just that maybe SHE is what he's looking for.

Do you remember Princess Diana? Tell me one person in the world who wasn't awestruck by her beauty, her charm and her persona. Everyone, except for her own husband and look who be chose to be with instead. But you know what, he's happy, because his now wife is more suited for him than Diana ever was.

Don't hate your ex OP, just try to forget about him. If he's an abusive cheater then chances are he will never change and also that karma will bite him in the ass. Such people are rarely ever happy. Don't go by the facade that he shows.

You say that you will be happy if he's lonely and hurt but why does your happiness still depend on him? To hell with him!! He's your ex, a closed chapter and the sooner your accept that he's gone and no more a part of your life, the sooner you'll be able to move on.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (3 February 2019):

Let me add this.

You had your chance and it didn't workout. You had to let him go; because he couldn't make the relationship work with you. He was the wrong choice for you. That doesn't mean he shouldn't be happy with somebody else. Who cares how soon?

That shouldn't matter when you are free do better than you did when you met him.

You're both free to live your lives and find other people better suited for each of you. Stewing in your bitterness is hurting you more than it's hurting either of them.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (3 February 2019):

Exes want you to believe you are easily replaced and they are happier with their new boo than they ever were with you. It's all for show; because they're going too much out of their way to make it all visible to the public. Especially to you! "Look at me, I'm all happy and in-love!"

Don't waste energy on hate. Take care of yourself. Be positive. Take back your power over your own emotions; and stop leaving it in his hands.

Let's see how long before she sees him for whom he really is! You're on the outside looking in. Things are not always as they seem. I bet all your friends thought you two were happy together. At least that's the image you wanted them to see.

Your grudges and bitterness is empowering to him; because he gets twisted-pleasure knowing you're pissed-off and bewildered. Purge the toxins out of your system and move on!

It takes time to let-go of feelings; but there is also that stubborn pride that doesn't like to be shown-up. It's humiliating, it's cutting, and it stomps all over your ego.

Your pride is hurt on-top of a broken-heart. I've been there, I know how shitty that feels.

Here's what it comes down to. You know what you had when you had him. He's no different. She got what you kicked to the curb. When they both come-down from Cloud-9; he'll be his real self again. Then there's the fact that it ain't none of your business. Seriously, girlfriend! It's not!

You gave-up two years of your life doing all the work? Why??? Why did it take two years to realize it wasn't working? It was rocky you say? Hello, that was a clue!

Now he's gone. Good riddance! You're still groaning over him? Get your laptop and write yourself a novel of every dirty rotten thing he ever did to you. Read it when you feel jealous.

You failed to figure it out before you were in too deep. Live and learn I guess! Your bad!

If you're looking back in hindsight, naturally you're smoking mad to see him being nice to somebody else. Alas, it's no longer your concern; and she can have your old beat-up leftovers. He's now breaking his back to please somebody. Let's see if he can keep it up.

The road to freedom is looking forward. You don't look back.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (3 February 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI believe the universe sends us people to teach us lessons. Everyone who has an affect on our lives - good OR bad - teaches us things about ourselves . . . IF we CHOOSE to accept the lesson. If we refuse to learn from the experience, we will keep meeting similar people until the lesson is finally learned. You were not a helpless victim in this relationship, so you need to stop viewing it that way. You had choices for two years, and you made BAD choices because, despite the abuse you allegedly suffered, you CHOSE to stay with him until the deal-breaker, i.e. he cheated. Why was the abuse not a deal-breaker for you? Did you not think you deserved better?

You say you hate your ex at the moment. The opposite of LOVE is not HATE, it is INDIFFERENCE. You will not get over this experience until you feel NOTHING towards him.

Use this experience as a learning opportunity. Acknowledge you did not value yourself highly enough to walk away from an abusive man. Vow you will NEVER do that again. In future any sort of abuse should be an instant deal-breaker for you. In that way the relationship will have served a purpose. You will come out a stronger person and will have learned to value yourself.

I wish you all the best. You can do this.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 February 2019):

Honeypie agony auntFigure out two things, OP

Is being mad at him helping you move forward? Him occupying this much of your "brain", is it worth it? Helping?

And secondly, figure out who you are the most angry at. HIM or YOURSELF.

He might have been a rotten egg, abusive and a cheater, but YOU made the choice to DATE him and STAY with him for 2 years. He didn't MAKE you date him. So WHY did you choose to be with a guy like that?

You don't have to take responsibility for HIS actions, his abusive behaviors is ALL ON HIM, but you DO have to take SOME responsibility for continuing to DATING someone who IS abusive. To spend 2 years in a "rocky relationship".

Those are the things you need to resolve, FOR YOU.

Do it through journaling, for instance. Write things down that upset you and figure out WHY and how to AVOID it in the future.

As for WHY he is treating his new woman different than you... well, for you, it's still a new relationship and perhaps she is nothing like you. Maybe she is more demanding, maybe she isn't a "giver", maybe she isn't a "people pleaser". WHO knows?

BUT it REALLY IS irrelevant. HE is irrelevant. SHE is irrelevant.

The only PERSON who MATTERS, now, IS YOU. LOOK back if you must, but only to learn from this waste of 2 years, and what NOT to do in the future, what kind of man to DOT date ever again, etc.

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