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I'm tempted to move out while he's away at the wedding

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 February 2019) 8 Answers - (Newest, 5 February 2019)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I am having severe mixed feelings . My fiancé and I have been together 3 years (engaged for 9 months now) . Long story short things were extremely on and off for the first two years until he finally realized what he had and asked me to marry him . Anyways a little over a year ago we found out we were pregnant on the mirena it was horrible timing because it was during one off our off times .. well Dr gave us options of leaving it in and risking complications or taking it out and risking miscarriage so I opted to take it out . Before I made this decision my so’s sister decided she could write me a horrible message stating that he could date anyone he wanted that I was going to stress out the baby and cause a miscarriage . I was so upset he was talking to her about our relationship . She used to be my close friend so it really hurt me that she talked this way to me . I wrote her back and told her to mind her own business and to let her brother and I figure things out on our own since it was our life and our baby not hers .. she never messaged me back . Well after we lost our baby he begged and pleaded for me back stated he was sorry and that he never wanted to be without me again . Oh gosh it was such a horrible time in my life so after a few months of him repeatedly begging I gave in ...

Flash forward a year later we are the happiest we’ve ever been we own our own home together and are engaged to be married . Some people really do change for the right reasons and person . But his sister who lives out of state is getting married in Feb . I saw a message that she wrote to him after we got engaged that said “heard the news and I have to say that is the dumbest thing you could have ever done especially with HER . She is not allowed to my wedding “ . It hurt my feelings so bad i had to reread it a few times .

Now that the wedding is coming up I can’t help but feel angry towards him that he did not stick up for me when he should have . God knows I wouldn’t have let any of my siblings treat him the way his did me . How do I handle this situation? His plane ticket was bought from a family member that he has to pay back . I want so badly to tell him not to go but I don’t want him to blame me ... he should’ve stuck up for me and he didn’t ... I’m contemplating packing my things and moving out when he’s at the wedding because I’m so upset .... I don’t know how to feel at all . :( I love him but I feel so distraught .

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 February 2019):

Honeypie agony auntWhile I agree with you Anon Female,

Who on Earth would want to go to a wedding of someone who CLEARLY hates (or seriously dislike you)? Why? Having to spend HOURS being fake? Not for the life of me would I want to go. I do GET why the brother feel he should go regardless of his fiance not being invited.

I get that etiquette might set certain rules up, the OP isn't the one NOT following these rules. It's the bride. And yes, the sister IS rude, but the brother (the OP's fiance/BF) might go to keep the family peace with his parents and the REST of the family and guess what? The BRIDE is the one who will look like a vengeful and rude person for not inviting her brother's fiance.

I also guess that the brother KNOWS his sister well enough to know that SHE will not take ANY responsibility in this, he is trying to keep the peace.

If you have ever grown up with "dramatic" family members you probably know that some people are peace-keeper and some are not.

While I think the BF should (ON HIS OWN VOLITION) tell his sister to stop being a little snot - she should DICTATE to him how to behave with HIS family.

Lastly, I don't think the bride gives a flying F about wedding etiquette.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019):

His values are not longevity you.

You are completely correct to want him to be fending with You And not against you. Loyalty to family is shite. Did not Jesus say : "they shall leave their parents (and - yes - siblings and become one flesh?" Yes, yes he did!

How dare he leave you behind, the woman he joined with. You're an intelligent WOMAN. You do the maths!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019):

You might love him but.....He should not go without you.To me this is a dealbreaker.It will not get better.On Christmas and family gatherings is he gonna go without you? He has to decide what to do about this slight.It is a very big red flag to your future with him.You will always be left out and home alone during family things.Your kids if you have any will be treated like dirt because they come from you and they do not like you.He has to decide to put his foot down and tell his sister you are his love and if she cannot treat you with respect she loses him.If he does not stand up for you now he never will.Do not accept being treated like dirt by his family.You might think you can handle them and ignore them but as the years go by your self esteem will dwindle.You deserve a man who always has your back.The one you have now does not.Think about that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019):

I have to disagree with some of the other posters on here implying that it is perfectly fine for him to go to sister's wedding on his own.

I don't think they are in the LEAST familiar with basic wedding etiquette, and they need a serious manners lesson.

You do NOT invite someone to a wedding without asking their partner or significant other. In fact, even if you are asking someone who is single, you include a plus one. You do NOT demand like a spoiled brat that your ENGAGED brother come alone. Sorry but she is totally out of line here. She may hate your guts but she either invites the both of you or neither of you. You are engaged, you are a UNIT and she can take that or leave it.

She is having the partnership she chooses (with her husband), she should not be trying to control who anyone else's partner is or is not.

I have NEVER heard of such absolute rudeness, and spoiled brattiness in all the bridezillas out there.

On to your fiance- yes, he should have declined, because that is not a true or proper invite. How dare she ban his fiancee. Like it or not you are a unit.

He should not have gone, although with family like this I can see why he perhaps doesn't know the proper way to respond.

You should have talked to him earlier about it and asked him to write to his sister that it is the BOTH of you or NEITHER of you.

She is a despicable person. She may have many reasons for disliking you, but NONE excuse doing what she did. It is a decision- both of you, or neither. She doesn't accept basic courtesy nor the FACT that her bro is an ENGAGED MAN!!

I would think twice before joining this family by marrying this guy. Seems like a LOT of drama and he hasn't proven he can stick up for you properly yet. You need to have a serious talk.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all so much for your feedback and kind words . I aproecaufe it all and I now know how I’m going to handle this situation ??

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (3 February 2019):

N91 agony auntLeave why exactly?

Why should he have needed to have said something back to her? At the end of the day this is his sister. Nobody wants a stressful life, maybe if he said something about you in a derogatory manner to back her up, then yes by all means leave in an instant. The fact he didn’t reply, to me, suggests he couldn’t be bothered with an argument so he just left it.

Why shouldn’t he go? It’s his FAMILY. It doesn’t matter if she hates your guts and despises you with a passion, this is his sister, his flesh and blood. Do you think he would take kindly to you demanding he doesn’t go? Would you not go to a family occasion if he insisted you never?

What you’re suggesting is cowardly. Leave when you’re on the ‘best’ terms you’ve ever been because his sister wants to be a bitch? Who cares? Is she part of your relationship? Or someone you come into contact with every now and again? If you want your BF to stand up for you then tell him! That you won’t be spoken to in such a manner and you don’t want to marry into a family where you’re constantly criticised. This is something you need to discuss with HIM and then let him decide whether he’s going to step up and fight your corner.

To suggest moving out when he’s away from home though is super childish and cruel.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (3 February 2019):

chigirl agony auntIt sounds to me like he is sticking up for you. You weren't meant to read that message. And you haven't heard or read what he's said to stand up for you. You don't know. I get that it hurts. Families can be really shitty. I know all too well. I also know that you kind of get shitty family members and drama no matter where you go. In this case its a shitty sister.

Oh screw her. Be glad you dont have to go to her wedding. You're getting married with your man no matter what she thinks. You can tell he shes not invited in yours ;) Or you can just be the more mature person and not sink to her level.

Your boyfriend is standing in a shit storm worse than you, is my guess. If she's behaving this way in text messages, imagine what she's telling him in person, how she doesn't back off and leaves him alone. The fact that he's gotten engaged to you, despite what her opinion is, sort of just tells you everything you need to know: she can talk how ever much she wants, but he's still gonna do what h'd gonna do: marry you.

Some people are shitty people. Just accept that. You cant live in a world where everyone gets along and everything is fine. Those families, honestly, don't excist.

Now here is what you need to do: block her on every platform you have. So she can't send more toxic poison to you. No need for her to reach you when she's got such a foul mouth. Really. If she has anything important to tell you, she can tell your boyfriend and he will inform you. No need for you and her to be in touch. Just block her. No more drama.

Just to share a story with you to let you know you're not alone in having drama and shit in your family: my mother married her husband 3 years ago. He is from a very traditional religious family, and he has already been married once and divorced. Then didn't approve of a second marriage, and said they would disinherit him if he married my mother. He married my mother. None of his family showed up at the wedding, not even his brother, or mother and father, and they live next door in the same neighbourhood. But my mom and her husband still live there, right next door to these people who wouldnt even show up at the wedding. And yes, he lost his inheritance. His father gave away the farm to his brothers daughter. My mothers husband had to find a new profession, a way to make money, as he now lost the farm he had always intended to run afer his father retired. And then his father died, before they ever had a chance to square things out.

Now that is messed up. It's 2019... and these things still take place. So yeah, families can be shitty. You're not the only one going through this experience. Hope this helps.

Stick by your man and screw his sisters opinions.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 February 2019):

Honeypie agony auntThe thing is OP, SHE can like or dislike you as much as she wants, SHE is entitled to her own opinion of you. Maybe... the reason she dislike you is because she felt YOU hurt HER brother. After all, all she went by is what HE told her.

Should he decline going to her wedding? I don't think him NOT going would help any of this family drama.

Should he have stuck up for you though? Yes, I think so. Especially since he has decided he wants to marry you. But not going to her wedding might only have made the rift here bigger than it already is.

You do know IF you marry this guy, she will either create drama at YOUR wedding or not show and make HIM sad, right? Which can become an issue.

YOU wouldn't have "let" one of your sibling treat your partner this way... well, that is you. And if you think about it... the MESSAGE you read was not meant for you. THIS is the kind of crap you see when you snoop.

She lives out of state, so obviously your partner doesn't spend much time with or around her. Except for messages back and forth.

I think you need to have a chat with him, AFTER his sister's wedding. LIKE a GROWN ASS woman. Not run away because he didn't do what you FELT he should do.

1. SET some boundaries. YOUR relationship should be OFF LIMITS for him to discuss with his sister, because it ONLY leads to more drama. And my guess is, he has ONLY really discussed it when MAD, SAD, UPSET about you. So all she knows from HIM is NEGATIVE stuff about you.

Why do I say AFTER his sister's wedding?

Because YOU do NOT want to be the person that causes havoc at HER wedding by suggesting he doesn't go. That is the kind of stuff people will remember forever! She doesn't want you there because she doesn't like you. And since YOU don't like her any more than she likes you, maybe YOU not going is for the better. You won't have to fake anything, and she will not have you to blame for things that might go wrong at her wedding.

BUT you DO need to have this conversation with him about dealing with issues without involving HER.

And you might also re-consider If this is the kind of family you want to marry into.

It seems their parents aren't partaking in this drama. They aren't taking sides.

Doesn't it mean you have no "right" to feel hurt or mad? No, I get it. If I had heard a family member from my husband's side saying shit about me, I wouldn't like it either.

Take the time while he is gone to figure out if what you have is WORTH building on. Can you see yourself married to him? Making things work long term?

If so, work this out.

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