A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has a new assistant of 3 months. She is too comfortable around him and especially in our home. He invited her to hang out with our friends and she made a very bad first impression. She starts smoking weed, talking about how she deals, helping herself to stuff in my fridge and getting drunk. She has continued to do this in my house and goes in my bedroom without permission. We had a party and she had a lap dance on my bed without asking if she could even use my bed! My boyfriend had no problem with the way she acts and says it's because they have to be friends outside of work. None of our other female friends act this way, and they know us. She doesn't acknowledge me when I'm with him or greet me when she comes in my home. She acts this way around his business contacts too and I'm embarrassed by her actions. My boyfriend defends her to the moon and back and it's always me who has the problem. When I talk to my friends he says I'm brainwashing them to not like her which isn't true. How can I make him take my side and get him to establish boundaries with her which includes respect for me as his girlfriend? She follows him around like a puppy dog too. How can I get him to see my point and where I'm coming from? He thinks I have my mind made up about her and it's all my issue and she is an angel just hanging out with us. It isn't a jealousy thing it is the fact that she has no personal or professional boundaries with him and it's driving me insane and a breaking point in my relationship. If he keeps taking her side and saying it's my issue I don't know how long I can take it. He plans on keeping her and is going to make her a partner, so things need to change. Please help with any advice talking to my boyfriend.
View related questions:
a break, drunk, jealous, lapdance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2016): WOW! This one has it all! Crossed boundaries. Inappropriate behaviour. Unprofessional conduct. Romantic entanglement. Betrayal. Lap dances. It almost seems soap opera like! What a mess!
Yes, your boyfriend's new assistant is acting ridiculously unprofessional and wow, is she pushy and marking her territory only THREE months into the game! She's got some balls on her and needs to be straightened out. She seems to have quite the entitled ego on her. Why? My guess is your boyfriend is boosting it for her. Encouraging her. Supporting her. ALLOWING her to cross boundaries. Nobody feels this comfortable without some form of encouragement and reciprocation of their importance or attractiveness. I suspect it is more than professional contributions that she is confident of. Thanks to your boyfriend. Also, let's make it clear that she was unprofessional to begin with. And went into the job as the person she already was, with whatever baggage and issues were part of her before she came into your lives. Unprofessional. Unethical. Flirtatious. Inappropriate. And these flames were fanned by your boyfriend. You would have to ask yourself why he would even hire such a person? My guess is she has been unprofessional before and likely pulled this act before and may even have gotten into trouble because of it in the past. Did your boyfriend check her references thoroughly? I am curious to know if she ever did have the appropriate credentials for this position? How did she land this job?
I would not tolerate it. You have made it clear to him that you do not accept this situation. It is your home too and as part owner and as his partner in life (which trumps partner in business by the way), you have a say. And your wishes matter. I don't care who you are but you cannot just walk into your boss's bedroom without permission. And to go so far as having a lap dance on your bed?? Wow, that is just insanely inappropriate and completely wrong.
Now, the problem here is the boundaries are crossed and how do you now uncross them? There seems to have been a friendship formed between all parties that should never have been pushed that far to begin with. Parties at your home for people involved in your boyfriend's business were not necessarily a good move. Both need to be kept separate ideally. Mature adults may be able to host a dinner or gathering at their home for co-workers and bosses. But it seems immature people who drink and indulge in lap dances cannot handle it. So, the best thing to do is have no more parties at your place. For starters. And to limit any type of social engagements between your boyfriend and co-workers including her.
I think you need to put your foot down. It is difficult to do. I know. Because you feel you are letting her win if you walk. But it is not her you have the issue with. Yes, she is a piece of work but your issue is ultimately with your boyfriend. Who is disrespecting you, your wishes, and your relationship. He is choosing her right now. Show him you are better. Tell him if he does not fire her and find another assistant, he will lose you. Now you have to mean it. And be prepared to move out and walk away. If he really cares, he will run back to you, tail between his legs. Sometimes it takes drastic measures to knock some sense into a man's head. After all, they will always try to be cake eaters. Best of both worlds. But you will not allow it. So, tell him everything you feel, no holds barred. Give him the ultimatum and stand by your words. If he does not come back, that is your answer. You don't need him. Because all you would do is end up being miserable around her and him. He will keep taking her side and rubbing your nose in it. And that is no way to live. And no way to be at peace. Your boyfriend needs to make you feel safe and secure with him. You are feeling threatened and with good reason. So, put it all out there. But please don't keep putting up with it and tolerating it. It's only going to get worse and worse till you break anyway. Better to leave now if he is not willing to change than put yourself through that certain misery.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Perhaps your BF needs to go beyond the moon and see a few stars swirling around his head; CLANG! In order to wake up from his BS – ‘they have to be friends outside of work.’ What sort of work requires you to do that, let alone with an employee who smokes and deals weed!?
I think he’s virtually giving you an ultimatum; too suck it up GF, as he has plans to make her partner.
I don’t particular understand the sort of parties you guys are known for having, where friends and guests get out of control? It sounds like a laid-back party house? ‘Cause if it is you can expect weed smoking, lap dancing, broken boundaries and disrespecting behaviour.
Certainly things need to change if you intend on being with him… it may not be jealousy, but female insecurity that threatens your way of life, harmony and expectations with your BF. He’s become defensive, distracted and focused elsewhere.
You’ll need to take a firm stance with Moon boy, and get him back down to Earth before this Hell Angel lap dancers her way on his knees, right in front of your face.
Remind him, while he continues this, ‘friends’ outside of work, there’s always going to be an issue unless he prioritises your relationship and concerns over Ms. Weed Lap Dancer.
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Your boyfriend is taking this girls side over yours maybe because he does not see a real issue here. If someone came in to my home and smoked weed I would kindly ask them to leave. Was she the only one doing this or was there anyone else?
Going in to your bedroom I can see why that would annoy you, you should have kindly asked her to stay out of the bedroom. I am hoping that you did.
Now as for your boyfriend it seems like he is taking this girls side because he thinks you are over reacting. If it is your home, be strict and say you do not want her there anymore. If he cannot respect your wishes then I would be questioning the relationship.
You ask how can you get him to see your side? Well the answer is that you can't. I think he feels like you are jealous of this girl. You need to sit down and talk to him and see if you can both solve the issue.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (11 July 2016):
 shouldn't be treated like a frat house.Not should
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (11 July 2016):
You don't need to compromise when it comes to your home and should be treated like its a frat house. If you don't want her there he needs to stop inviting her. You dont just go into someone bedroom FFS- Do it enough and she should get the message. No explanation needed. She's not a friend but an employee I think your bf has gone about things in the wrong way and quite frankly, enjoys her company a wee bit more than he likes to let on. How anyone loyal in a relationship would defend such "personality" makes you raise an eyebrow. Especially when someone is so blatant with how rude and dismissive they are towards their partner. If she deals in drugs why the hell would he be so stupid to entrust her with a business partnership? Depends on how far you are willing to stand your ground. Dont back yourself in to a black or white corner instead ask him why he feels that having a pot smoking dealer is a wise business move, why is it' ok for your personal space to be invaded and why he thinks you deserve to have him turn a blind eye to her rudeness. If he is going to allow for this carry one, then he sure as hell should be accountable for his choices. If he refuses to work with you its just a matter of you or her because this will only worsen over time due to his stupidity or ego.
...............................
A
male
reader, DarrellG  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 I find it baffling that he has allowed this. I find it even more baffling he is promoting her to be a partner and indulges this. Something isnt right here and you know it isn't. You're not going to like what I say next so I'm sorry in advance. I think the only logical explanation is that he has some kind of attraction to her, or else his actions make absolutely no sense whatsoever and I think to be honest you know this. I think you should take heed of the advice from Bim Bim:If its your place, tell him he needs to leave until he learns your home needs to be respected by him and the people he invites into it.If he won't do anything you need to act, and my advice is, if it is HIS place, to move a few things out each day over the next week or so and then hit him with an ultimatum, WHICH YOU NEED TO CARRY THROUGH.Exactly. You don't need this and you need to stop this now because this is heading somewhere unpleasant. If you don't act now then you are going to end up badly hurt. One thing I will say also is be strong, as Bim Bim says carry through and be prepared to carry through. If you aren't and you fold he will just think he will get away with it and things will get worse - be aware also, and you do need to be ready for this, this relationship maybe over. I am sorry to say that but you do need to be prepared for that. Either way you need to lay down the law. It's the only possible way he will snap out of it and it will make or break the relationship so be ready and be strong. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 July 2016):
 If its your place, tell him he needs to leave until he learns your home needs to be respected by him and the people he invites into it.
If its his place pack up and move on out, for some reason this girl has him bamboozled.... he might wake up to himself and realise what he is throwing away, then again he might take the opportunity you present to ramp up his involvement with his assistant, which will possible be the beginning of the end for him.
He should have kept work and home separate, but too late to change that now, she has no respect for you and you should not have to accept her in your home.
If he wont do anything you need to act, and my advice is, if it is HIS place, to move a few things out each day over the next week or so and then hit him with an ultimatum, WHICH YOU NEED TO CARRY THROUGH.
Stay strong, and be true to yourself.
...............................
|
