A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I got engaged a few days ago. We have what I thought was a ‘perfect’ relationship, we’ve known each other for many years, started dating sometime back, we clicked, we were absolutely made for each other…or so I liked to think and from what I understood, so did he. We decided to get engaged in my parents’ house and his parents and brother had also come down for the engagement. We (my bf and I) were sleeping in different rooms so this morning when I went to wake him up, he was complaining to me about not being able to watch porn on his laptop because its somehow blocked. I know he needs porn and I have accepted it so that is not an issue. I jokingly said, “I need to see what porn sites you’ve been trying to access” and clicked on the tab wherein I could see the history of his visited pages. To my utter shock, there were at least 2 whole pages of notifications of this one girl’s pictures that he had seen on facebook at 12:30 am at night! He had seen at least 50 pictures of her’s, maybe even more and I couldn’t believe he would do that.This girl basically is this “friend” of his who he claims is loony. Yea, RIGHT. Anyway, she calls him once in a while, this one time she called him at 2:00 in the morning when we were sleeping. He didn’t answer the phone but I know he talks to her and he has never hidden this from me. They seem to have a normal, friendly relationship. I don’t think he is involved with her but there was a time in the past when he was.I completely blew my top when this happened and I insisted on seeing his chat records with this girl, something which I would never have done before. I did see his chats, they were sexual, mainly from his side but dating way back to 2009, when he called her “horny” and said that he wamted her to spend the night with him and about “hot kisses”. He tried his best to convince me that he has no feelings for her anymore, he was trembling, he started howling and crying, hugging me, kissing me so hard that I cut my lip! He kept telling me that I was the one and the fact that he was viewing her pics was an “act of stupidity and absurdity” and had absolutely no meaning behind it, that he only loves me. He said that although what he did was not forgivable or excusable, there was no meaning behind it.I must add though, that he has never given me a reason to doubt him before this incident and I have always found him to be a fabulous boyfriend. Everyone has a past and I’m fine with it, I had one too. But if that girl is still on his mind, then I obviously have a problem with it. I don’t know what to think now. This guy was in my parents house a day after we got engaged in front of our family and friends, he was sleeping in my room, and seeing dozens of pics of another girl whom he once had an affair with. Does he still have feelings for her? Much as he claims he doesn’t, I still cant get myself to believe him. Should I talk to my parents? His parents? Call it all off? Or talk to him about it?
View related questions:
affair, engaged, facebook, kissing, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Scotlass65 +, writes (2 August 2013):
 He is not to be trusted dump him
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): Maybe you should cancel the wedding but not break up eyeteeth just put the relationship on a probation to test his sincerity about giving up his addiction and see if your feelings can be healed. I mean if you forgive al quickly and carry on as if nothing happened he will probably go right back to doing it because he sees how easy it was to get out of trouble. He has to experience lasting consequence from what he did. Not because you want to punish him or get revenge but from a practical matter because the gravity of the situation to you should be reflected in how you choose to move forward.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): Thank you for your answers, it means a lot to me that you've taken the time out and given this a lot of thought.
To be honest, the last couple of days have been a royal nightmare for me. I've had to put up a happy face in front of family and friends but I'm dying inside. I've literally spent half the time in tears and with the guy on the phone, alternating between screaming at him and howling and then just in despair. This is a situation that I wouldn't like to wish upon anyone, ever.
I cant possibly get myself to tell my parents about this so I've spoken to his brother about it and told him everything. He's a very responsible, mature person and I trust him fully. He too thinks that what my fiance did was despicable and not excusable. My fiance just howls and cries over the phone, begging me not to leave him and telling me about how sorry he is and that I should give him one last chance. He says that nothing like this will ever happen again and he will prove himself to me. I should add here that he has never given me a chance to question before this incident and was the best boyfriend ever.
The brother has told me that if I am generous enough to actually give him another chance and if my fiance ever shows any kind of behavior that is even remotely degrading to me, then his family will disown him. I trust them to do this because I have met them and they are upright and honest people who really like me. Especially my fiance's father, who is a thorough gentleman and will stand for what is right.
The most bizarre thing is, the girl in question isn't even remotely attractive!! I am 5'8" tall, slim, and am considered to be quite good looking, even if I say so myself. The girl he was looking at is short, stout and really not someone anyone would cast a second glance at!! My confidence in myself has really taken a beating and I feel horrible about it! :(
Porn has been there on the background of our relationship from the beginning but I guess I never really had a problem with it, in moderation, as you said. But I realized later that he needed it while we were having sex and I've been trying to get him to gradually give it up. Its difficult but I could see that he's trying.
The other factor on the scene is that he's trying for a super important job, all of which will get finalized by November. He has to work at some important projects and his interviews and I'm afraid that if he doesn't focus on that then he's never going to get it.
What I'm thinking is, I should put the wedding on hold as of now, work towards the relationship and see if he's trustworthy and worth committing to for life. The porn addiction needs to be conquered too.
We really were a fairy tale couple apart from this problem. That's why it hurts so much
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): - He needs to commit to getting help for his addiction. Give him an ultimatum. No overcoming his addiction no wedding. That sounds harsh but this incident will become a recurring reality if you forgive and forget. He probably meant it when he promised you he would never do it again. But honestly, how much autonomy does he have in the face of his desires? He knew he was seriously doing something wrong but went on ahead with it because the desire was too overwhelming. He can howl and scream and promise all sorts but that will all be forgotten in the face of temptation because he is an ADDICT. 'He has blocked the girl from facebook and has sworn never to talk to her again.' - This girl is not the problem. Great that he has cut contact out of respect for what she now represents in your mind (the girl that your fiance was masturbating to on your engagement night). But he didn't have feelings for her so she can be easily replaced with his next female colleague at work, with one of your friends or with your sister. His ADDICTION is the problem. 'He also said that henceforth I would decide which girl he spoke to and if I had a problem with anything, then my wishes would be his priority.'- You are not his parent, you are his partner. You shouldn't have to police him to get him to behave. Besides, you are not joined at the hip so you couldn't possibly decide which girls he interacts with. Even if you could manage this near impractical feat - you still would be lacking in one of the essentials of any relationship - TRUST.I've already posted 2 answers to your question, in the last answer I advised keeping the engagement while you evaluate how solid your relationship is before getting married. I advised giving him a second chance because you might regret giving up too soon. But I went away and couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm ok with porn in moderation that's why I was inclined towards leniency. But in your fiance's case I fear it is a deal breaker for me. Especially if it rears it's ugly head in hurtful ways like this. You might forgive him this time, but the fundamental problem remains. Despite his best intentions if the addiction remains then the problem will crop up again and again.You sounded like a fairy tale couple apart from this. Plus you'd already made a public declaration of your intentions to be together forever. So I was reluctant to advise you to throw in the towel because you've already invested so much. But it would be a grave error if you made financial and legal commitments that bind you even further to a man whom you cannot trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): I would call off the engagement and seriously re-evaluate the entire relationship. This issue will come up again in the future, maybe not immediately but surely it will whether it's a year from now or 10 years from now."He said that although what he did was not forgivable or excusable, there was no meaning behind it."Rubbish. when someone does something that they know hurts and betrays their partner (after all why else was he trembling, howling, crying etc?), and then say "there was no meaning behind it" it just means that he is UNWILLING to reveal the meaning for fear that it will just get him into further trouble. Most likely the 'meaning' behind it is that he is really attracted and turned on by that woman, maybe also he has cheated with her or wants to. But of course he is not going to be honest and say that since he's already so afraid of your current reaction. that's why he says 'there's no meaning" - it's an attempt to shut down the conversation by claiming there's nothing to look here.Please don't just accept this. I know that you have a lot at stake in continuing the relationship since you just got engaged. there's a tendency to sweep this under the rug and "forgive" and carry on with the marriage plans since that is easier in the short term than overhauling everything. But it WILL come back to bite you in the future. I don't know when, but it will. something similar happened in my marriage, and I was quick to believe and forgive, and 8 YEARS later I discovered new evidence. Who knows how many times there had been during those 8 years when I simply didn't find anything?you need to reach some new understanding with your bf. Maybe he truly is obsessed with this woman. If so, he should say it so that you can deal with it. also, when someone swears they will never do it again, ONLY because you caught them red-handed, they are not sincere. If they were sincere they would have stopped it by themselves long ago before you found out. He is only saying whatever he needs to say to placate you. it's not like he had no clue that this behavior would cause you to question the relationship, and now that you have found out and are questioning the relationship then he 'realizes' what he did was bad and swears he wont' do it again. He knew all along how damaging his behavior is, he simply chose to keep doing it because he wanted to. He only wants you not to leave him, he doesn't actually care how you feel. Dont' be surprised if he continues doing this but just becomes more skilled at covering his tracks.Personally, I would call off the engagement. No matter how perfect he is in all other ways, this is serious and it won't go away just like that. he has an addiction, in that he "NEEDS" this sort of thing. No one "needs" this. the fact that he does means that he has an addiction. Are you really OK with that? Addictions often lead to the person needing more and more to reach the same level of satisfaction. What's next? will he "need" to actually meet live strangers for the novelty because mere pictures are no longer enough?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): If you're ok with his porn addiction, then the main problem here is that he chose to wank over someone you both knew. Or is it the timing as well?Regarding the former, he probably won't let you catch him doing something like that again - either by sticking to random porn actresses that you don't know, or by deleting his history. Regarding the problem of timing - I'd be a little peeved off too that when we've just got engaged, the thought of me is not enough of a turn on for him. This will always be an issue in your relationship. When (if) you're pregnant and not feeling your sexiest, how will it make you feel when he's masturbating to skinny women? When (if) you are on maternity leave and tired from looking after the baby how will it make you feel him coming home and needing to watch porn to stimulate him? I don't mean to sound like the prophet of doom bit these are realistic scenarios that you should probably consider. If you feel strong enough to deal with it, then fair enough. As with any other addiction, he will become more and more desensitized to mainstream porn and need stimulation that is more and more radical and taboo to give him the same amount of stimulation. That is how addiction works theoretically. You've been with him for years now and you know how your dynamic is in the bedroom. If you feel that you are attuned to one another and he has not been asking you mor e and more out of your comfort zone then I guess there might not be a need to worry. You sound quite laid back and trusting and I completely agree with you that you shouldn't need to keep an eye on him. This is where your knowledge of his character kicks in. Is he a man of integrity in general? Is he a man of his word? Have his actions in the past shown that you mean the world to him? Does he turn a blind eye to people who cheat on their partners or is does he disapprove? Does he learn from mistakes or is he stubborn and will find a way of getting his way? If he has never given you reason to doubt him before then you could forgive him for this. After all, it is human to err.How long were you in a relationship before you got engaged? I don't think you should break off the engagement straight away personally. But I would delay the wedding a bit while he gains back your trust. You might regret it if you throw away the relationship without giving him an opportunity to redeem himself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): He doesn't NEED porn, no one does. He WANTS it. He was complaining he couldn't get on porn to his girlfriend, I find that bizarre.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Get rid of him, ur setting urself up for a fall x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Thank you for the answers, I am the OP.
After the entire fiasco when I had calmed down a little, he made me sit down and swore that nothing like this would ever happen again. He said that I should give him one last chance and that he will never give me a reason to question his actions. He has blocked the girl from facebook and has sworn never to talk to her again. He also said that henceforth I would decide which girl he spoke to and if I had a problem with anything, then my wishes would be his priority.
This is all good, but then again, how feasible is this? I am not the kind of person to monitor someone this closely and this isn't how a healthy relationship should be. I know he is a porn addict and he needs it and there is nothing I can do about that. I figured that as long as he is faithful to me then I shouldn't feel threatened by the girls in the porn videos and I've never felt insecure. But looking at that girls pics really didn't go down well with me and I don't know how much I can trust him. I dont know if the relationship is worth all this trouble and I cant believe that I've been played for a fool after everything that we've shared and the family who are now involved in planning my wedding with the "perfect" guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): I'm sorry but by letting him off for this you are just setting yourself up. Now he thinks he can do this in the future - especially now he has apologised and thinks he has smoothed it over. Its not ok and unless he cuts all ties right now with this woman, out of respect for you and your relationship and your future then you need to say goodbye. Send him a clear message and get some self respect for yourself. Sorry to sound harsh but I speak from experience - being weak does not work.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): He is allowed to fantasize about whatever tickles his fancy as long as it stays in his head if it is potentially hurtful to anyone. So that in itself is not a problem. The worrying thing, in my opinion is that he NEEDS porn to the extent that he HAS to go on Facebook for wanking material. That sounds like addiction to me. One he obviously cannot control - which makes me wonder I'd in fact he can control his sexual urges. From what you say I doubt he has feelings for her but my worry personally would be how much I could trust him. If he has to be away on a business trip for a week, can I trust him to not hit on that woman in the same hotel? I know the link to him cheating physically is tenuous at this stage ; but if he has shown this level of lack of self control, how can you trust him to conduct himself properly when you are not there to keep him in check? I'm not saying he'll cheat, but I would definitely have less trust in his judgement. It doesn't sound like he fancies her, rather he is ruled by his penis. What to do now? Well I would ask him what he would do in your position. I'm hoping he will come to the conclusion that it is now inappropriate for him to stay in contact with this other woman. He owes you that at least. It is important for him to realise this and volunteer it himself because that will prove that he is willing to commit to do everything possible to undo the damage he has caused to the relationship. The fact that he stayed friends with her when she was calling at 2am and being needy means he loved the attention from her, even if there were no feelings on his part. Again, someone who craves attention to this extent shows a weakness when it comes to acting rationally when it comes to his desires. This coupled with his need for porn means he is susceptible to quickly getting bored in a marriage. He sounds like he will need something novel and thrilling to keep him going. That is when he will become vulnerable to cheating. Ultimately it is up to you to make a decision on your future with him from your gut feeling. But It's always good to know your partner's weaknesses so that you can anticipate trouble as soon as he starts getting restless. At least then you can ask him what you can do to keep things exciting for him. What I wouldn't do is drag the whole family into it. Why on earth would you tell the parents? Part of growing up means you don't go running to Mummy and Daddy everytime there is a problem in your marriage. It's up to you 2 to talk things out mostly. Confide in your friends but don't give your parents reason to hate him. Don't sour their relationship. It would be different of he'd done worse - but in this case don't share it with the family. There's nothing but condemnation that will come from it. It's not like his parents telling him off will change anything. He already knows what he did wrong.Whatever your decision - I wish you luck. If you decide to stay with him, knowing he's likely to stray, I would discuss boundaries with him. Bis female friends don't call at ridiculous hours and his communication with them is accessible to you at anytime. I'm not saying read every text exchanged with a woman by him but I am saying complete transparency will be a disincentive for inappropriate boundaries to be crossed.
...............................
A
female
reader, eri_sunshine  +, writes (30 July 2013):
Honestly, guys (and girls, too) can do things like that simply out of their primal instinct to pleasure themselves. The pictures, to him, were likely nothing more than cheap porn he had since there was nothing else available. It is perfectly fair that you request that he stops all contact with her, and if he agrees then I don't think there will be any future problems. You know that he loves you, and if you love him don't let some ridiculous mistake due to horniness that he made ruin everything you have.
...............................
A
female
reader, splash88  +, writes (30 July 2013):
He was probably just subconsciously closing the door to his past. Now that he is on the path to marriage, deep down he just needed that final mental goodbye.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Hi there!
I don't understand your bf either.
how could he say to you he loves when all this time you caught him looking at his ex photos and on top of that he still talks to her and he kept those chats he had with her.
It could be he loves you, but he also fancy her.
how to change that?
You can't. She will always be his fantasy. and you know that. that's why you run here looking for some answers, maybe for more validation on what you feel or a reason for you to stay with him.
He maybe the nicest bf. but nobody's perfect.
Remember he loves you but he fancy her.
The only way to stop it, is once that other woman stops contacting him.
You have 2 options. Fight for him Or give up and leave him.
You should talk to my mom she's the expert when it comes to fighting for the man of her dreams which is my dad. She did everything, she can, to keep my dad and save her family.
Lol.
Anyway, all is fair in love and war. Just do what your heart tells you. Is he worth fighting for? Or He ain't worth it? Only you can decide. If you ask me, I'll leave him and give him to her. Sorry, I have no patience. But the decision is yours to make.
Good luck!
...............................
|
