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My boyfriend struggles with lusting after other women

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 July 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend struggles a lot with lusting after other women. He sees beautiful women and wants to be with them and gets jealous of their partners if these women are with someone else. He then ends up feeling really terrible about lusting after other women and beats himself up about it. He is a very honest person so he will always tell me about it and this happens quite often. I don't know what to make of it. On the one hand, I don't feel so great knowing his eyes are not just for me but it's not like he's actually cheated on me with any of them and at least he tells me. Are guys just like that in general. Is this something I should be worried about? We haven't been together that long, it's only been 3 months so far.

View related questions: cheated on me, jealous

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A female reader, llifton United States +, writes (30 July 2016):

llifton agony auntUmmm... no that's not normal. Dump him. Please.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (29 July 2016):

BrownWolf agony aunt"He is a very honest person so he will always tell me about it and this happens quite often."

In what part of your mind that you see this as OKAY!?!?

Hey baby, I want every woman but you, and you should be okay with this because I am honest about telling you. HUH!!!!

NO!!! Guys are not like this in general!!!.Guys...If we love a woman...really love a woman...we are VERY territorial about her...Some are jealous, others protective. When man does not care too much about a woman and just using her for sex, until he finds someone better (in his eyes), then he does not care how he treats the one he has....He is honest about it...REALLY!!!

What next??? Hey baby, I slept with a hot girl...but I am telling you because I am honest about it.

Here is what you need to be honest about...You are being taken advantage of...plain and simple...A guy like that does not need to be to told to F*CK OFF! That would be too nice...just walk away.

No man in his right mind, who is truly in love with the woman he has, will EVER come to her something that STUPID.

Do men look at hot girls?? YES!!! We all do. Just as easy as a woman looks at a hot guy. But if we are in love, no way would we come to you and tell you we are jealous of another woman, because she has a boyfriend, and we want her too....Honestly.

Listen...BOY...that he is...Here is the good part...FRIEND...means?? Can be replace from someone called...Husband.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (28 July 2016):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntMany/most of us men grow out of this "kid in a candy store" syndrome about the same time we pass through puberty. Your guy - apparently - is stuck in time....

Honesty (telling you about his lusting) is plain bull-s**t. If you give him a "pass" for this, imagine what will be the next "pass" that he will seek - with his boyish charm and honesty.... AND, then, the next one after that.... etc...

Save your heartaches for a better reason...

Good luck...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI couldn't date a fella like that long term. Sorry. Yes it's lovely that he is being "honest" but I don't for a moment believe that he isn't partly telling you all this to knock your confidence and I would personally not be able to trust a man like that. And the self-pity... oh please.

The fact that she somehow feels entitled to other women and thus are jealous of their partners? Down right weird.

NOTICING other women is one thing, but he takes it WAY further (at least in his head).

This is ONLY 3 months in. You will be back in 3-9 months asking HOW you can "make" him stop lusting after other women and what you can do. I'd walk away now.

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom + , writes (28 July 2016):

DarrellG agony auntNo guys are not like that. People dont stop noticing beauty in a relationship on a shallow and aestetic level (though I would argue they only truly see it in their partner if they are faitful) but your BF is way, way over any reasonable line. Your bf sounds potentially very possessive to me and I would be very, very weary of this relationship, to be jealous of someone elses partner is just plain bizzare and to me I can already see how he sees being in a relationship as less a partnership and more about ownership.

So, he is obviously pretty fickle. Disrespectful to you. Potentially very controlling I would argue. I think warning klakons should be going off in your head right now - I would have to say, and this potentially sounds harsh but I dont think it is - that you should seriously consider getting out while you can and binning him right off.

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A female reader, miss frank United Kingdom +, writes (28 July 2016):

Um, I find thus bizarre. Most men I think have a bit of a look at other women, I think its in their nature and probably most women do the same, but not in the way you seem to be describing. What you are describing seems more than a passing look or thought momentarily, whilst knowing the one you want to be with is your partner. He appears to be obsessional with this, the jealousy of their partner etc he seems to think a lot and deeply, and for a lot of time, then realises his thoughts are obsessive and inappropriate, then feels guilty and needs to confess. I'm not sure what to make of it really, other than to wonder if his thought processes are like this generally? Is he a ruminator? Does he obsess over many things? Does he analysis overly generally?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2016):

No guys aren't like that in general. There are guys who actually respect their partner and also respect other women enough to not be creeping over then and even getting jealous of someone else being with them - he's got you, why on earth is he getting jealous?!

Imagine this catrying on for the next 2,5, 10+ years...If he can't keep his eyes on you when you've only been together 3 months (which most couples are still in that honeymoon phase and can't keep their hands and eyes off each other) then I dread to think what he will be like after a few years. If you don't mind your partner eyeing up other women then carry on as you are - but if this bothers you then I would politely and in an amicable way end the relationship. All you have to say is that you've really enjoyed your time together, but you aren't someone who goes looking at other people when in a relationship and don't feel you could be with someone who can't control that.

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