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Is his attitude cause for concern?

Tagged as: Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 29 July 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months or so now and having some doubts about our future together.

I currently am stuck renting accommodation with very little money to save each month but my boyfriend owns his own place. We recently had a conversation about our futures and he asked as to when I'll be buying my own place. When I responded with my situation and said my only available option would be to move back to my parents he told me he would offer to live with him but didn't want to commit to me moving in with him incase something went wrong etc.

I'm not in any rush to move in with him but would like to know we have some sort of future together but after this conversation it's got me worried about as to how serious he is with me and where we are going as a couple.

Do I bring this subject up again and make my view on this clear or do I give him some more time?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2016):

I'm the original poster of the question.

I'm happy where I currently stay and I like the flat I rent.

It wasn't myself who brought up the issue of moving in with him, he was the one to bring up when I'm buying somewhere.

I was honest saying that's not feasible for myself in my current circumstances and he mentioned me not moving in straight away.

I never made the suggestion he jumped to that conclusion.

What's concerning me is more the fact he doesn't seem to see us having a long term future more than letting me move in.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (29 July 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI'm with your boyfriend on this one. If you haven't made right financial decisions then it's up to you to face the consequences. You shouldn't feel entitled to moving in with him

1.just because you live in a crappy place 2.because he had his own home

And 3. Because it's been 18 months together.

You don't measure 'moving-in' time by the number of months or years that you've been with someone. Sometimes it just feels right after a few short months and sometimes no matter how long you spend with someone, it's just not enough. Maybe your boyfriend feels that it's not the right time yet and also, he wants you to be independent, that's why he was asking you about your plans to buy your own place. If not, he would have offered straight-away that you move in with him.

I think this is a big hint about the way he thinks of the relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2016):

I'm the original poster of the question.

Currently I don't have the option of moving back to my parents house. It's far away from where I work and there is no took for me anymore. With regards to outlining my financial goals I've mentioned to him before I'm on a strick budget and don't have the same capacity for spending as he does but I feel obliged sometimes to keep up with his spending. He gets annoyed if I say I can't do that or buy that and complains he's the one paying all the time.

I'm around the 25 age mark and he is nearing 30. I don't want to be wasting my time if he doesn't have the same long term ideas that I do. He's already made it clear he would never buy a place with a partner but I can get where he is coming from by protecting what he has but would like to know that we would have some sort of future together and not be stuck in this phase of the relationship for years down the line.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2016):

The thing is you ARE in a relationship and you have been together 18 months so why take your relationship out of the equation? It sounds to me as if you are on different pages. He wants his independence so let him have it. Trust your instincts here. Actions speak louder than words. If hes not suggesting you move in with him and then worried things might go wrong if you do then that tells you everything.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (28 July 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntLet’s just take your boyfriend out of this equation for the moment. Imagine you have no boyfriend, and you are in exactly the same financial situation you are now.

Would you be living in a rental accommodation that essentially drains your savings? Yes or no?

Would you consider living with your parents in order to save to buy your own place a good idea? Yes or no?

Do you have any plans to buy your own place? Yes or no? If not, why not?

If you flip this question and write it from his perspective... could you do that?

It might look like this:

“My girlfriend, who is in her early 20s, doesn’t seem to be making good financial decisions for herself. We’ve been together for 18 months now and I’ve been waiting to see if she is capable of making the tough choices to ensure her future financial solvency.

“She’s living in expensive rental accommodations, so much so that she can’t save any money.

“I have managed to save and own my own place.

“We had a conversation recently in which she seemed to be threatening me. Either she moves in with me (which I wouldn’t mind in theory but worry about in practice) or she moves back in with her parents.

“I do really have good feelings about her but I’m afraid she’s using me as a crutch to get out of the financial hole she’s put herself into. I’d be far more comfortable with asking her to move in with me if I knew she had the same financial goals and fiscal discipline that I have.

“I’ve tried to convey to her that she needs to take charge of her own financial future and not rely on me but I’m afraid she is seeing this as some sort of referendum on our relationship. I don’t want to see my girlfriend GREXIT but I do need to see her use her smarts and savvy to create her own financial independence!


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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI get your concern. 18 months and he isn't interested in living with you, so what kind of future is there?

I DO think at 18 months you kind of know each other well enough to know if you can live with someone or not. And honestly? If you two DID love together and something went wrong... wouldn't you STILL have to move back in with your parents? SO I think his argument is a bit... invalid.

Would I give him more time? That depends on the overall relationship. I think MY first priority would be to find a place I could better afford.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2016):

Yah after 18 months you might think he'd be interested in living together. Do you want to live with him? Why not move back home for a bit and start saving, and the two of you could buy a place together (he could rent out his flat)? He might just not be sure he sees a future with you, so you do need to have a conversation about whether he wants to live together, get married one day or wants a family. Your age bracket shows 22-25, if you're at 25 then after 18 months he should have an idea - any younger and he might just be a bit afraid of making what seems a big commitment.

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