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How can I believe there is good in the world?

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Question - (28 July 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 July 2016)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I can't stop wishing badly on people that have done me wrong - I fee like I'm stuck into waiting for karma to get people back that I'm watching my life waste away. I have been wronged very wrong end by a lover and friends and I've been a pushover or someone that goes above and beyond and I get that it's part of life that nice people finish last and that people get what they deserve but I'm stuck into waiting to see that to feel vindicated - I can't keep doing this - my ex treated me so bad - I can go on and least so many thing but it's pointmlless because it gives him more powerful in my head but I can't stop being so miserable and just waiting to be vindicated for my actions and thoughts - I used believe that nice people fisish first and that if you do good things you will get rewarded - but lately I've become so bitter - so angry- I've given up - and my whole life and thoughts goes to I hope he/she gets it for the pain they cause me- please tell me how I can get ove this - I realize this is an issue - I have been in therapy - after being 29 - I am now ready to listen- I just don't want to wait for other people to get it for what they did to me - how can I just get over it

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A female reader, mishi 1 United States + , writes (29 July 2016):

mishi 1 agony auntHi there,

I am sorry that you are going through that. I had same situation. But , I believe in Karma. Its my own personal life experience.

If you don't change your self. Negative thoughts will always follow you.

Well, Even if they have problems in the future in their life still you will be never satisfied.

I don't know where do you live. But , I started to see a therapist in NY.

It helped me a lot. I am still under treatment.

But , I see changing just in months. Some time minds play games tricks.

Well, I hope you feel better.

Take my words What they did with you God will punish them.but,maybe after years... So you don't want to be in this pain.

Try to move on see other folks who get hurt more then us.

Mishi

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2016):

I hate to be blunt, but there is no "good" or "bad".Only reality.Stop wasting time and energy on things that cannot be changed.As bad as you want vengeance for those who did you wrong...it WILL ruin you. If you seek revenge make sure you dig an extra grave.It's simply NOT WORTH IT.You're TOO GOOD for revenge.You were too good for those people.As cliche as it sounds, time does heal.Shit happened...but you'll be a 100 times stronger.You will become indestructible.You'll be wiser, you'll be a friend people would die for.You'll have a love so great,you'll be thankful that it didn't work out with your ex.YOU WILL work towards being that person. Because that's how you stop feeling like shit all the time.That's how you win this...by being F***ING AWESOME!!!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntLife isn't about being rewarded. Being a good person, doing good things is it's own reward. Nice people don't "win" the game of life. Because there IS no winning, really, when it comes to life. Good thing happens to bad people too.

Only 2 things in life are guaranteed. Birth and death.

You are not entitled to anything. You are not owed anything. Maybe that should be your mindset.

Karma is a VERY lovely thought or notion for those who have been mistreated in any way shape or form, and while I DO believe what YOU as a person put out there, can determine what you "get back", it's NEVER a given. For me, it's more of a pay it forward. When YOU are a good person people around you will respond to that, they (some, not all) will WANT to do good too. BUT unfortunately, that doesn't mean bad crap doesn't happen to good people. To kind people. To caring people.

Wanting revenge is natural, I think, but it's rarely healthy to hold onto the notion that IT WILL happen as YOU envision it (unless you orchestra it yourself, and then where are you? You are down in the gutter WITH the person who hurt you and NO "better", no "nicer" a person. And what you would end up with is a never ending cycle of negative energy - of people want to lash out). It makes you BITTER when you focus so much energy on wanting BAD things to happen to others. And I have been there. I have been bitter over how horrible a situation I found myself in and how nastily I was treated - but I DID take responsibility for MY part in - dating the guy, for ignoring red flags and for thinking "this shouldn't happen to me". Because obviously it did. And I DID stop it.

I have OCD, so obsessive thoughts are not new to me. I live with them daily. They are/were beyond intrusive at times and that took some time to learn how to control. The thoughts of revenge that you feel, are what I'd call intrusive and obsessive thoughts. Because they HOLD you BACK from living a GREAT life that YOU (can) build. YOU are STUCK in a loop where you are waiting for BAD stuff to happen to people who hurt you. And you will, if you DO NOT work on that, WASTE your LIFE wishing and hoping for things that MAY never happen. And all the while life will pass you by. So then you will be obsessing about regretting wasting your time + the revenge thing + being bitter and angry...

So TALK to your therapist in HOW to stop these intrusive thought. So might suggest a rubber band around your wrist and EVERY time you get one of those thoughts you "snap" yourself out of that train of thoughts. LITERALLY and FIGURATIVELY speaking. After a while you can drop the rubber band and drop the "subject" in your inner dialog yourself. Or it will help you SUBSTITUTE those negative thoughts with positive ones.

I would also add exercise to your daily life (if you don't already do that) Kick boxing is VERY empowering physically and mentally. Yoga is VERY empowering physically and mentally. So can swimming, riding, biking, hiking... whatever you want to try.

Being bitter and angry will get you negative things only, like loneliness and unhappiness. NO ONE wants to be around a constantly bitter person who is living in the past harping over stuff THEY CAN NOT change.

ACCEPT that shit happened to you. That you are NO LONGER with this crappy person and that you will NOT date another crappy person ever again. That you will LEARN from what happened. That YOU are not wanting to be a victim, but a SURVIVOR.

LET that BAD relationship BUILD you up to be a stronger person, not an episode in your life that defines you. You are a SUM of many experiences, that bad relationship was JUST one.

Set yourself some goals, POSITIVE goals - AND follow through with reaching them, one by one.

Don't STOP being a good person in the hopes that it will preemptively PUNISH bad people, it won't. But DO learn to set boundaries, to say no.

And stop with this whole "woe is me" and "I am entitled to xyz". Bending over backwards for others CAN be OK if the process makes YOU happy and YOU feel good, if it doesn't, then simply DON'T do it. Because it doesn't MEAN that YOUR choice of doing so, entitles YOU to being treated the same.

Not everyone who will come into your life will be good for YOU. Not everyone YOU encounter will benefit from having known you either. There is no way of knowing. KEEP positive people around you and BE a positive person for them.

If a friendship or relationship seems one-sided it probably is. Then you have 2 choices, dial it down or walk away.

There really is no instant fix for this.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (28 July 2016):

Denizen agony auntI think you should change your therapist, and possibly your therapy. You should also ask your therapist for a time frame for the treatment. It is ridiculous to be on the couch for years while your therapist just keeps taking his fee.

It is optimistic and unrealistic to expect us to be able to help where a seasoned professional has failed.

The only thing I can tell you is that you have to make a conscious decision that you won't be like this anymore. Then don't.

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom +, writes (28 July 2016):

DarrellG agony auntI understand how you feel. It is a normal, a-typical, human response to suffering and pain. However, these emotions are literally eating into your soul and killing you. I dont believe in Karma, but I do believe in judgement and I do believe that when the day comes justice will be served.

It sounds to me like your good nature, your grace has been exploited. That is the way of this world sadly, and I feel for you, I really do, but rest assured that your suffering will not be in vain. Nice people do finish first, but not always here, in this life, in fact, nice people are often ground down by this world, victimised and brutalised by it.

Your bitterness and anger is killing you. Literally. Letting go of it will be hard but it can be done. Listen to your inner grace. Be assured that you are loved and cared for and that your virtue is recognised in the places it really matters to be. Talk to someone by all means. Good luck x.

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