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My boyfriend sometimes calls me fat, which makes me cry, and brings out my insecurities, I am driving him away, what can I do to build my self-esteem?

Tagged as: Dating, Teenage, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 July 2008) 15 Answers - (Newest, 30 January 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I am currently in a relationship with an amazing guy. I would do anything for him and I think he would do anything for me, problem is I think I could be pushing him away.

We have been in a relationship for a year and a half and I can honestly say I feel like he is my soulmate.

However, a few months ago I was out for a family meal and he was at his friends party, which I was going to after the meal. When I got to the party as usual he was being so sweet and we couldn't get enough of each other and we started talking to this other girl(our friends sisters friend)I ended up going to the shop with our friends sister and when I came back my bf was with that girl and to me it looked like he had his arm around her. I then asked if anyone wanted to go for a cigarette and my friend lindsey came with me, I told her about what I thought was going on and she told me not to be so silly. Two minutes later my bf and that girl came through and he blatantly told me to move so he could sit down and myself and Lindsey tried to join his and the girls conversation but to no avail. Lindsey and I then walked out and the guy who's party it was must have noticed something was wrong and came and said to me and I told him about what I thought was going on and he said to me I didn't want to say anything about that to you but I thought that aswell. So the guy who's party it was went up 2 my bf and said What's Vik goin to think and apparently he just laughed saying "what you on about?" By this time I had had enough and started to cry and one of our other friends gave me a lift home..

He says he thought that girl was ugly and he would never do anything to hurt me like that..

Anyway, the next week I found out that his ex had been texting him(something he kept quiet from me) He said he didn't text her back and that he only had eyes for me but I just couldn't understand why he wouldn't tell me.

I think that this was when my insecurities started and I felt like I had to have constant reassurance that he liked me, found me attractive etc. I started telling him I loved him more and more and asking him questions about me and if he said something bad I would cry or get crabbit etc.

After this, he stopped telling me and his friends that he loved me and I could tell he got more and more frustrated by the things I said or done.

Now I think he is wanting to split up with me because of the way I behave when around him, I just cant seem to keep my emotions hidden from him but I cant say how I feel either. I seem to choke and cant get the words out and this frustrates him even more to the point that he shouts at me and upsets me even more. Whenever I get like this he always says I am selfish and I dont care about anyone but myself and sometimes when we argue he'll call me fat, I dont think he means it because the majority of the time he tells me I am gorgeous but it really gets to me. When he calls me this I always start to cry and he always tells me I am over reacting and I am just a big baby. The thing is he does upset me when I say these things, I know I am not the skinniest or the prettiest and him saying things like that does nothing for my self esteem and just make me concentrate more on my insecurities in the relationship. Please dont think he is bad saying these things, although he says them it is not alot and for the most part he is lovely.

Anyway, I guess I was jsut needing advice on how I can change and get rid of my insecurities, I dont want to drive him away as I love him very much..

Thanks xx

View related questions: his ex, self esteem, soulmate, split up, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009):

hi....i absolutely know how u feel and its absolutely ok to act liek that anyone would..i do so you're notthe only one, people say oh break up wid him he's bad he isnt good enough for you but you know they arent dating him they dont know the kind of relationship you two have.i dont really have very good advice but i thinkthat he isstill with you, and why is he?he could just move on without you but from the looks of things he hasnt and of course the way we act on our insecurites will cause him to be pushed away as he cant handle the factthat he caused you to be like this. boys get bored easily and look to other girls constantly, if he shows you how he is acting in front of you then inmagine not being with him how he acts, buthen again if he is doing it in front of you then he is beign open about his associations with other girls.he does have everyringth to talk with otehr girls but then again its inappropriate if it hurts u as it shows no respect and it bothers you, if he really cared then he would stop all contact with his ex. its hard to let go and my father told me if your curious dont go search for it, what you dont know wont hurt you. and he is right dont go looking around or finding things out and if you do dont confront him at all keep it away write itdown in a diary and move on andwhen the time comes to confront him calmly say, now is the time to be honest with me i know everything and i wantto hear it from your side, i havnt confronted you because i wanted to keep peace. i have been through what you have many times soooo many times and i nearly killed my self over this guy, its hard to let go of him or want to move on even i cant do that and im still with my guy...u getthe false hope that everything will be better but it doesnt.its ur desicion to move on and find a wonderful man start afresh or painfully try to block what u know the pain he caused you and start together as a couple to create a better relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009):

I don't know if you already broke up with this man, but if you haven't, I must suggest that you do so. I believe you when you say that you are in love with him, but I am finding it hard to believe, based on what you've told us, that he returns your feelings. He is emotionally abusing you by calling you fat, especially when you are in your most vulnerable state of mind. If you can't speak openly with your boyfriend then there is a reason for this, and it could be that he intimidates you. He should respect your sensitivity and difficulty with confrontation, and if he truly loved you he would sit by your side, hold your hand, and wait to hear your every word. True love in a relationship is not infatuation. A relationship based on love is composed of honesty, compromise, understanding, endurance, belief, and courage. To put it simply, love is unconditional. If you sense doubt in your relationship with your boyfriend, then it is a sure indication that something is wrong. You deserve someone who will give as much as you do. Don't settle for less. The right one is out there, trust me. ;-)

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A male reader, tysonwest United States +, writes (19 January 2009):

What I recommend to you is to NOT heed the advice of the others here.

Maybe their advice is sound and logical... maybe their advice is NOT sound and logical...

Because their advices empower you as the 'good guy', you're automatically inclined to follow their advices, regardless of the underlying logicalness or soundness to their advices.

But an advice should be followed, and a decision should be made, only on the basis of how sound the logic is that underlies the advice or decision.

Nevertheless, I will voice a devil's advocate position to their advices that you 'break off from him'.

At present, they have -- and I do not have -- enough information to properly judge that you should break off with him. Insufficient information, particularly without knowing both sides of the story, is by itself reason to not heed their advices.

Yes, he did call you 'fat' during an argument, but without additional information, it is not possible to know if this is sufficient ground for breaking off. You are no doubt familiar with the adage, 'the more you love someone, the more you want to kill them'. When persons argue with people they care for, passions can get unraveled very quickly and people may find themselves saying unspeakably horrible things. Let there be no doubt, he should not have called you fat. He did something wrong and he owes you -- at the very least -- a full apology for it and he is also obligated to control himself to not say that again in the future.

Likewise, I will also say this. You have the responsibility to control your emotions and your emotional outbursts. Emotions have all the properties of dynamite. Employed properly, they can provide incalculable gains. Employed wrongly, they WILL cost you gravely. You must control your emotions. That is your responsibility -- as an adult. It is a responsibility every adult must assume if they are truly adults.

You needn't lock your emotions in a cage never to be heard from again. But, you must control them-- tame them, and keep them on a leash. When emotions are subservient to logic, but still present, is when the mind and spirit will be at their strongest.

Determine what your needs and wants are -- within reason -- and what your boyfriend should do to help you attain them.

Determine what his needs and wants are -- within reason -- and what you should do to help him attain them.

Determine what your faults are, including the allegation of you being 'self-centered', and what you can do to rectify them.

Then, have him determine his faults, including the allegation that he is 'mean', and what he ought do to rectify them.

In any event, on the offchance that you've managed to make it this far after these months... I advise that you make an additional posting with additional information as to what is happening.

Good luck friend.

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A female reader, sweetontweety7777 United States +, writes (5 September 2008):

sweetontweety7777 agony auntgirl, RUN. my ex husband did this while we were dating. he would say "you are the biggest girl i have ever been with", and then turn around and say " you are so sexy to ME". he became VERY degrading to my weight issues after we were together for about three years. I ended up having Gastric bypass surgery for HIM. i did this trying to convince myself i was doing it for my health, but knowing in my heart and soul i did it for him. i ended up almost dying, i was in a wheelchair for a year, had to relearn to walk, have no short term memory, and alot of medical problems. it ruined that hideous relationship. he was so ashamed of me when i was in a wheelchair. you want someone in your life who accepts and adores you for what you are now and what you could possibly be in the case something ever goes wrong. someone who sees inside you and really, TRUELY, never notices the outside. MY NANA, god bless her, always said " honey, looks fade". so if a man loves for your looks, its not love. vice versa, if he wants you to change the way you look or can't accept you as you are ITS NOT LOVE. love is so much deeper than that. good luck. love yourself and you will find someone who will do the same.

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A female reader, pussycat_14344 Philippines +, writes (5 September 2008):

Girl, if that man loves you with all his heart he will accept you for what you are, no matter what. Be confident for what you are, do you know that not all sexy girls are skinny? it's just a matter or self confidence or on how you carry yourself.Don't let anyone hurt you.

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A female reader, pussycat_14344 Philippines +, writes (5 September 2008):

Girl, if that man loves you with all his heart he will accept you for what you are, no matter what. Be confident for what you are, do you know that not all sexy girls are skinny? it's just a matter or self confidence or on how you carry yourself.Don't let anyone hurt you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008):

Hi there,

Looking at what you are saying about your boyfriend I can relate to. I was in an abusive reletionship for years and I was always blaming myself or believed what my boyfriend said to me. Get rid of him before he chips away at your spirit and self esteem, assure yourself that you are beautiful, you are strong and you will find someone who will treat you so much better.

He is a control freak who wants to play games with your head by telling you that your beautiful one minute and making you feel bad the next. He has the problem not you, he needs the help not you.

I hope this works out for you.


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A female reader, O Connor Ireland +, writes (18 July 2008):

O Connor agony auntjust because its really good when it is good doesnt mean that you should put up with the bad things he says and does to you. do you not think that you should be with a guy that is really good all the time? i know you really love him, but you have to love yourself more and realise that staying with this guy is only going to chip away at your confidence and make you think he is right.

you need to leave this guy hun. he's not good for you and he doesnt love you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yea I have tried writing things down, well I tried it once when I wanted to tell him something I didnt think I could say and it didn't help at all. He didn't read it and told me if I wanted to tell him something I should just say it. I know I can always talk to his best friend about things and he tells me A LOT that when his friends see me crying etc because of him they all say they don't know what I am doing with him and when our friend Andy found out he said "thats a shame she's a really nice lassie and wouldn't do anything to him she deserves better than that" and thats coming from his closest group of friends. The thing is I really dont want to lose him as when it's good its really REALLY good, do you think he will just stay this way forever and I wont be able to get the guy I fell in love with?

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A female reader, LIERIN United States +, writes (18 July 2008):

LIERIN agony auntGet rid of him

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A female reader, Tigger3165 United States +, writes (17 July 2008):

Tigger3165 agony auntThis guy sounds like a real jerk! I think your best bet would be to get rid of him... but if you want to have better communication... have you tried writing it down? I have a hard time talking to my fiance when something is wrong, too... so i write my thoughts down, and let him read it... its easier for me to express myself that way...

but still, if he would call you fat and treat you like he did at that party, he sounds like a real jerk...

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A female reader, O Connor Ireland +, writes (17 July 2008):

O Connor agony auntyou say he is lovely, caring etc etc...but no matter how big a fight he should never call you fat!! this guy does not sound like the angel you make him out to be. his behaviour at that party was inexcusable and he probably knew it too. and the ex texting him too...this all is just a bit too much for me.

he's obviously put the blinder on you cos you cant see him for wat he really is.

if he really did love you then he wouldnt call you fat, selfish, put you down or flirt with other girls at parties.

im sorry but i think you need to open your eyes and see this guy for wat he really is.

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A female reader, RawrrJoJoBabii United States +, writes (17 July 2008):

RawrrJoJoBabii agony auntI think that you should break up with him. Don't get me wrong i know it won't be easy but its better for your relationship. If the love really is there he will realize how much he has hurt you and most likely attempt to reconnect with you. He will realize how much you meant to him. Don't ever think that it's your fault or that you're driving him away. Because the fact is that his frustration comes out of something deeper and you shouldn't tolerate him calling you fat or anything else other than your name. If you keep allowing that it only makes him feel lyk he has more power over you and he can control your emotions and once he does get your self esteem low enough he can take over you and control you totally.

Good Luck 3

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008):

Well you can get rid of your insecurities by getting rid of him! This sounds like psychological abuse, what he is doing. I am fat and my boyfriend would never call me fat because he knows how much this would hurt me and because he LOVES and CARES for me, he would not do that to me. He makes me feel like the prettiest woman ever... because to his eyes, I am.

Loving someone and being loved also means respect and assurance... we all need those once in a while. If he can not deal with what you need from him, then let him go. Go find someone who appreciates you and makes you feel better about yourself and not worse!

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A male reader, saltwater United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2008):

saltwater agony auntThinks you're gorgeous...but calls you fat?

You would do anything for him but you only *think* he would do anything for you?

Personally, he sounds like a player.

Get rid.

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