A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Man o man, I am such a mess... I'm not even sure if this even something valid to be upset about, but its like this echoing thought that is pounding my head to death. My gf has had quite a few liaisons, about twice as many as me actually... In which case I do have some problems coping with these things, but what really bothers me is this feeling of inadequacy.Before I met my gf I had heaps of confidence in myself, I felt sexually glorified and contempt with my abilities in bed. I felt secure in myself, and my sexuality. I had no problems getting, maintaining, and using my erection for hours on hours. It was a great point in my life.Now, a year into this relationship with my gf, I feel defeated. She never compliments me sexually, never tells me anything gratifying about our intimate relations, never lets me know how she feels about us... This, in many ways, has built a self assurance issue within me.But, what is even more self destructing is the questions I have asked my gf... Last weekend, shit hit the fan. We had just finished what I had experienced to be the most animal like, wild and rough sex of my life. Literally, I thought my pelvic bone was going to shatter... I had to stop myself, but she didn't seem to have any problem taking it, and probably wanted it rougher... A couple hours later, I made the comment that I had never had such intense sex before, never so rough... In the most intense way, I just wanted her to return that comment, easing my mind that no other man had ever fucked her like I had... Instead, I found out that other guys had done it way harder than me... Way rougher, way wilder...After a lot of self assessment, and self reassurance that just because someone else fucked her harder didn't mean they fucked her better, I thought I could get just drop it at that.... I told myself that just because I couldn't give her the most wild sex of her life didn't mean that I couldn't achieve other things with her...However, last night I fucked up, really bad... I asked more questions, which led to more answers I really did not want to know... Basically, at the end of this discussion that happened at 3am I found out that other guys have not only fucked her harder, but other guys have been better sexual partners than me, other guys have had bigger dicks than me, other guys have lasted longer than me, other guys have done her in more erotic positions, places, and the list goes on...I know, realistically and rationally, that I shouldn't be so upset about this stuff, and that just because i'm not the best (at anything) doesn't mean that I am not good... But it sucks, it really really fucking sucks. What sucks the worse is that of all the women I have slept with, she is it. She is, no doubt in my mind, the ultimate sexual partner I have ever had, and could probably ever want. I fantasize about this girl, a lot. I would rather close my eyes and think of her than watch porn, now that is saying a lot.I feel sick to my stomach knowing that there are other guys out there who have pleased my woman in more ways than I can, in better positions than I can, with bigger dicks than I have, rougher than I can even thrust, for great lengths of time, and knowing that she loved it. I should have never ever asked these questions...Now, I feel so defeated about these things, I don't know how I can function with her... I don't think she realizes that I have a need to make my mark in her life sexually... I guess its the male ego in me that is causing this pain and problem, but its real, it hurts, and I feel incredibly depressed over it all.Thanks
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male
reader, simple  +, writes (2 August 2008):
This is easy.The problem is you do not know what you want from her.Beyond being complemented. (You're insecure. Don't worry about it. She is even MORE insecure. All women are. Understand this and act accordingly.)Women adapt. There are very few women that want to lead from start to finish. You are supposed to lead. Take her where YOU want to go.If a guy likes it rough then she may try it, to adapt. To please the guy.What may end up happening is she gets to like it rough. It was a guy that led her to this. And you too can lead her to where you want to go. What do YOU like?If you do not like it rough, then don't have rough sex.Forget about what she wants for a minute. What do YOU want.Great sex (versus mediocre) is a shared experience. It is not one-sided.If you do not know what YOU want then you will always have mediocre sex, even if she knows what she wants and she tells you. Ideally, (great sex) women want to please a guy, not just themselves. In order for that to happen, the guy has to know what he wants and take it (you're in a relationship).She will adapt. If something's not right, then let her communicate. Finally, it has been said a million times, but... variety is key.You can be gentle one day and rough the next. Or even in the same day. Even if you push her boundaries more than any other guy, if you do not vary things, if sex becomes predictable she may STILL get bored.That is, if you do not get bored of her first.Know what you want my man and HAVE it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): The solution is simple.
What do YOU want?
You are too focused on what SHE wants.
Sex is a shared experience.
But if she is the only one who's needs count, then you are going to have problems.
Make her do what you want her to do.
Women adapt. It is that simple.
She had rough sex because a guy wanted to.
I doubt she goes around asking for it. Even if she does like it.
She wants to please you but how can she if you will not take what you want. Always worried about pleasing her. And needing someone to tell you you're good in bed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): clearly she likes it if she is coming back for more?? yeah its shitty what she is saying to you, but maybe talk to her and tell her you're hurt by the way she answers your questions... or also instead of asking her if she has ever had it harder, better etc ask her if she enjoyed it? if she is enojoying it than that is good enough, if she is still wanting it from you it can't possibly be that much worse than her previous partners... something you have is clearly better than those others and that is what is attracting her. just talk to her explain how you feel and stop setting yourself up for those insults, instead give her questions that have to do with the two of you, like if she liked something you did, rather than if its the most exciting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): She seems to be very insensitive or else she's trying to hurt your feelings or assert some sort of dominance over you. Are you just with her for the sex, or is she generally kind and loving with a good personality?WRT big penises and rough sex, it's nothing to be proud of and nothing to envy. I've had a couple of well hung guys in my time and believe me, sometimes there can be too much of a good thing. Yuck! Ouch! Wince! But I'm sure there are some women out there who were able to appreciate them better than I could.At the very least, perhaps this woman's body is a bad fit to yours and you need to find another woman who loves having sex with you and is appreciative of your good qualities. And try not to let this experience turn you against girls with sensitive bodies that don't require extreme stimulation to become aroused.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (18 July 2008):
 Well... if you have tried everything then maybe some other posts here are right... maybe there is something deeper going on in your relationship that you need to address. Hope you can find out what it is!
Best of lucks!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): People without "male ego" call it male ego. The rest of us know it's a normal part of being born male and it shouldn't have to come with apologies.
You're right that dwelling on her sexual past isn't a good thing. But this sounds like more than that. This girl just doesn't sound like she's being very fair with you or treating you very well emotionally. (Like maybe she's pushing your insecurity buttons to see how much it takes to make you break down or something.)
I think you'd feel best if you get out of this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): I had a boyfriend like this before and i felt really totally un adequate resulting in me feeling nervous and unhappy before sex with him, also resulting in me dreading sex with him.
THIS IS BAD! BAD BAD BAD!
get out of this degrading un apreciative relationship!!
you sound like a really nice guy who cares about his girl so go and get a girl that appreciated you back!!!
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies! I really appreciate them, however, I think that I am at my wits end.Seriously, I have been asking her about her fantasies and what she enjoys in bed a long long time ago... She tells me that she does not have any fantasies, or that she does not know, or that she has acted out most everything she has ever fantasized about already(what a killer)... I already know about Tantra, and I have introduced it... its good, maybe im not that good at it, but it doesnt top other things...Sex Shop? We already did that, went to the store and bought hundreds of dollars worth of toys and lubes. She doesnt even like them that much, we rarely ever use toys.Different positions, I think I have went through pretty much everthing that makes me comfortable... Her favorite is reverse cowboy, problem is that my dick does not bend in that fasion, and I really dont feel it comfortable which causes me to loose my erection and I find that very humiliating on my behalf.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (17 July 2008):
 Of course you feel crappy about this. Anyone would. The thing is, she is with YOU. All the other sexual experiences meant nothing because she is no longer in a relationship with them. It is, however, very important to feel like you are the best partner she had. Instead of asking her if she has had better, ask her what she likes, in detail, when it comes to sex. If she continues to tell you she has had better, it will effect your sex life with her, you may not wat to do it as much, or feel depressed everytime you two make love. Here's a little tip: Sure, her past experiences were great, but I'm sure there are certain types of sex she hasnt tried yet, and I can't speak for all females, but for me, a man that can please me in a way no other can, or has, is considered a good lover! Try reading books about Tantra, and other ways of love making. She likes it super rough? Sado masicisim (sp?) might be something you want to look into. There are a great deal of books out there that can show you many different kinds of positions. Maybe you can invest in some toys. Have fun with it. Don't try to live up to her past, introduce her to something new. Suprise her. If she does not like it, try something else. Make it an experience that is completely different, so it will forever stick to her mind. Try not to let her other experiences bother you (I know it can really sting). You are her man, and you are for a good reason;) Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse +, writes (17 July 2008):
I'm sorry... but I am laughing!! This ego thing with you guys is very interesting... have you stopped and think that she IS sexually satisfied with you? If she wasn't she wouldn't be with you at all. Girls who have more experience might have been able to try out more things than you have and that's not bad. You are not competing!! But trust me, if she didn't like it, she would have left!
If anything, I would think you should get a hold of a few books or movies (tutorials). The positions are like in a 100 books, try one new once in a while. Read about Tantra and SM, look for innovative, inventive ways in which you could have sex with her. Be creative! Do you know if there was a guy that only focused on pleasing her... like making her have several orgasms in different ways in a single day? Ask her about her fantasies, something she might want to try out.. you have a very horny gf and there are a lot of guys weeping about their sexless relationships... make that an advantage for you!! Go to a sex shop and buy a few things... try them and see what works for the two of you. This experience will make you a better guy in bed and that's great for you!
Maybe she had this one guy who fucked her really hard and this other guy who used some odd positions... you can become the guy who knows how to do everything... like a balance. One day with very soft, tender, romantic sex and then another day with just crazy food everywhere thing and then some other day with role playing. If she can have variety, fun, excitement and passion with you during sex, she will never get bored and you will become THE GUY!! LOL
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, inkydoo +, writes (17 July 2008):
hello. it doesn't seem like your girlfriend cares much about your emotional state. if you feel like your constantly feeling like you don't really know where you stand in the relationship, she might be trying to control you through psychological means. is she sexually compulsive? does she need more and more and more to get off? these could be signs of sexual abuse or molestation.is she not complementing you because she knows that it hurts your feelings? is this in an attempt to deprive you of having an equal footing in the relationship? are the majority of her relationships with other people like this, where one person in the relationship has all the power and the other one is basically waiting for emotional scraps? i don't think this is just about sex. i mean, you wouldn't be asking these questions if she was letting you know what the sex with you is good for her. this sounds more like she is emotionally unavailable to you and is not taking your emotional needs into account at all. it's kind of unfortunate that she's such a good lay as this can cloud one's judgment. it's easier to get out of a bad situation when there aren't so obvious pros to the relationship. i guess you can ask yourself, "if the sex wasn't as good as it is, would i still be in this relationship." hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, saltwater  +, writes (17 July 2008):
 Sex shouldn't be about fucking hard and fast; that's the porn philosophy...as well the "one night stand casual sex" philospohy.
Sex within a relationship should be about a mutual bond between each other; where you learn how to please your partner emotionally, as well as physically...if it's rough, then so be it. But they then try to please you as well.
But in your case we have a girl who is happy to have casual, rough sex in a relationship in which she is taking...but not giving anything back to you.
Find someone who actually wants to please you as much as you want to please them.
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