A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Found conversations between my bf and a friend of his. He was telling her how he really likes me and that i am one of the nicest people out. But he hates my ass. He thinks it is fat and is not attracted to it. He is horny as fuck but doesnt even have the desire to have sex with me and isnt attracted to me. That he wished id lose weight. I am 174 cm and 94 kg. When she asked him why he was still with me he said its not all about sex. What do I do??? =( =(
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female
reader, Shesmylife517  +, writes (24 April 2011):
Girl let me tell u a fat ass is awesome.. Now a days its about the butt an if he is not attractive to it there are plenty of men who love fat asses.. I have a nice round fat butt an my bf lovesss it its crazy.. We have a great sex life an sometimes he tells me bend over juat to look :) i love my ass an da attention he give me.. If he cant embrace it then u embrace it for him.. Wear boy shorts an a tank.. Boy shorts are flattering for a big butt..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Love is unconditional, that's the bottom line. Your bum is just a bum not you, and not your relationship. My amazing boyfriend of a year and a half, who is one of my best friends, even tho sometimes we can be water and oil in some larger interests, had a similar conversation with an gal pal 2 weeks ago. He tells me that I'm beautiful all the time, comes up behind me with kisses for no reason, grabs me nice and naughty, but . . . when i read through their conversation that he didn't find me physically attractive below my face I was hit by train. The difference is our relationship, I mulled through this for about 30 minutes before I went to speak with him. Made sure I had a decent understanding on the conversation, and had a grip on my emotional self. Of course I still started to cry but I refrained from acting like I was 15 as well. But we talked about it, and I am feeling better but some things will be hard for a while. He says I'm very beautiful and the comment was based off of the fact that he has fears on our long term, which I already knew.(he has bad baggage) And starring at the same naked body isn't as exciting as the first time, love changes it into something different. Lol I hope this makes some sense to you. Jeff Loves me and wants to get married and have babies and be old on a porch someday. That doesn't mean that he doesn't realize he is 25 and has had less partners than myself. His life has been a whirl wind and he has not had the chance I did to explore myself. But we met when we did and fell in Love. Everyone in your life has something to teach you and sometimes the most special ones are those who teach you about yourself. Don't be scared to lose weight, not a dumb comment, sacred you might not succeed,join the millions. Do it for you, you will have more energy, you will want to be more active, go more places, laugh a little louder and if you find a buddy start a new bond along the way. I have played professional Female Roller Derby in the states for 4 years now. To me its like I was granted a 2nd life. 2 years prior to roller derby I was single, very happy, and weighed 300lbs. Getting healthy was huge for me but it took 2 years and has been a work in progress ever since. Initially I lost 130 lbs of fat and gained 20 lbs of muscle. What I am saying is that it is possible and long term, this June will mark 7 My favorite goals are these, to work out 5 days a week for 2 hours. To get my mile under 9 minutes, to eat 3 servings of green veggies everyday, etc. Don't think pounds right away, just think healthy. I stumbled on this site by mistake so I'm unsure that I will make myself back. I will leave you with this from my ramblings. . .My amazing hubby to be would Love it if I had a big rump! Infact there are some reverse weights I do in attempts to build a bigger butt, Lol mine will only grow so much. Best wishes all my thoughts, -Liberty
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been together for about 7 months. We get along pretty well and hardly ever argue. I stayed with him last night and was cold as anything. He kept asking me what was wrong but i couldnt bring myself to tell him. When I left this morning he asked me what was wrong. I ended up telling him over text which wasnt the best idea but I think I went a little over board. He didnt agree though he said that there is nothing wrong with me and that sex isnt a chore and he cant help it if he doesnt want to have sex all the time. He told me I was going a little over board. We ended up deciding to be friends as I told him im going to move to qld mid year. Now im kinda regretting what happened.... now that im in a better state of mind. I feel so bad. He hasnt replied to my last message. Im so confused as to whether im doing the right thing.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 April 2011):
 For how long have you been together? Has it been years or are you in the beginning stages? In the beginning stages there is often "likes" instead of "loves", and feelings can develop. If the relationship is new, when he says he doesn't want you to worry perhaps what he means is that his attraction to you will grow as he gets to know you better and builds up feelings for you. But, if this is a 6 month + relationship I don't think his feelings for you, or his attraction, will change any time soon. The way he doesn't want to talk about it is the big problem as of this moment. You want to talk about it, and you know it is an issue. He knows it is an issue, but I guess he is scared to death of this resulting in you leaving him. I'd still advice you to push it and get to the core of this, have him open up and admit that it IS a problem. You can't solve it together unless you both agree on there being a problem. The problem Im talking about here isn't your bum by the way, it is that his apparent lack of interest in you physically is ruining your sex life. What are his thoughts around that? What is important to him in a relationship? And how important is sex to you? Can his attraction change, and if it changes, would he want to have more sex or is his sex drive just low? Some people just don't want to have sex that much, and will think of every excuse in the book to avoid it if they feel pressured. If he's that kind, your weight, or bum, might just be a handy excuse for him to not have sex. But you won't get anywhere unless you talk, or give it a lot of time to see if the relationship dynamic changes for the better. Rarely things will suddenly change though, and if they do it is typically for the worse unfortunately. Dealing with issues head on, and see if there are any solutions, is the best way to handle it. The other option would be to see where things go by themselves, and risk a break-up after years of heart ache.
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (6 April 2011):
He says he doesn't want to dump you. Do you want to dump him? I am guessing not.If you are not going to end the relationship and want to see how things turn out, why don't you take a positive step and start exercising and eating healthily. This is something you are thinking of doing anyway, so why don't you make a start. This will make you feel better about yourself whatever happens. Be proactive about it, you'll soon see results.Your bf may notice, he may not. But, as you said you want to lose weight anyway then make a start. Apart from anything else it's good for your health.Only you can decide if you want to stay with this guy or not. If you are not happy then you can end the relationship as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesnt want to dump me. He doesnt really wana have sex with me either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked him about it this morning and he kept telling me I had nothing to worry about and that I was overreacting. He said sorry and that he likes me. I said I want more then like I want someone whose crazy about me. I didnt tell him I saw the conversation. He keeps trying to not answer the question and telling me not to worry.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (5 April 2011):
 hi dump him before he dumps you, it sounds like its only a matter of time. you deserve to be treated so much better than this. he is horrible!xx
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2011):
 Sweetie... the bad news: He's just not that in to you... sadly.
I met my current boyfriend and I went after him for an FWB/NSA relationship. he was NOT that into me but like any single guy he was happy to take what he could get.
He told me "I'm not attracted to you"... and he WASN'T;BUT he was happy to take advantage of what I was willing to offer him.... (very long complicated story)
then over time he fell in love with me... NOW I am beautiful... now he WANTS me... NOW he calls me HON and BABE and sweetie... and I can tell you the exact DAY his feelings changed.... his actions and words changed.
He is clearly telling you with his actions and his words how he feels. You just don't want to hear it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShould I be worried that he calls this friend of his he was talkin to about me babe or that he misses her. I know its just communication but he never calls me those things. Even if he isnt attracted to me he could still say nice things to me like babeand sexy. He called her the greek goddess in their conversation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): If you want to do it for yourself, thats totally different, but are you doing it to make him more attracted to you? I hope not, because he should love you, care for you and respect you as you are, otherwise im afraid in my opinion he's not worth it...only you can decide. I kno it hurts, but you hav to be strong and do whats right for you and what makes you feel good. Life is too short to be trying to please other people. Join a gym if its something you considered doing before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are telling me not to go changing for this guy. I want to for myself though. If I broke up with him I would go and try and lose weight. Makes it obvious if every day he doesnt want to kiss me properly or have sex... Im missing out then... And it would take me a good six months or so to get down to the weight he would want me at.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everybody for your replies. Well I had been wondering what had been going on for a while. No I come across this conversation between him and his friend in writing on the computer. This friend on his he used to sleep with a year or so ago. She is into running so is very slim. In the conversation he told her he wished my body was like hers. He never kisses me properly it will only ever be pecks on the lips. Nothing ever passionaite. Id asked him about it but he never said anything. Also I would ask to have sex a certain way and he would make up an excuse like ohh i have a head ache... im tired. Ive been wondering if he wasnt attracted to me for ages this confirms it. He told her that I started running for like a week and a half and then stopped. He told her hed figure something out. Which is true i had an assignment last week so instead of going to the gym when i woke up early id start typing instead. Im meant to be staying at his house tonight.... I dont even want to see him. =( He always talks about other girls to me that he thinks are gorgeous... I let it slide but it bothers me. I dont talk about how hot other men are in front of him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2011):
I'm sorry I can't see for one second how this is your fault.So he doesn't like your ass. Big deal. He likes YOU right? 30 years from now will it matter?DO NOT blame YOURSELF for his taste.IF you are that concerned you can ask him....
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): I certainly would not go changing my body for this guy. Understandably your confidence is knocked by this. If you think about it though, there is probably something about him that you find least attractive aswel. The question is can you both be together and accept eachothers imperfectionsWhere I would have issues is the fact that he is discussing this with his friend, if it was me I would feel he was showing me a lack of respect and I would closely monitor his relationship with this friend and how much he is saying to her, but do take comfort in the fact that he is aware its not all about sex and looking sexy, that he is with you because he likes you as a person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): "I blame myself for not excercising more or controlling my eating. In the end this is my fault. He cant help it if he likes attractive women. "
Really? The fact that you're upset now is ultimately your fault? Had this exact scenario happen to me, I would be angry with him for discussing my body parts so casually with another woman before I'de be upset about my ass failing his standard.
Another thing about this scenario is that it seems somewhat impropbable. Are you sure this "friend" of yours isn't exagerrating or embellishing what he said? Is she competitive with you or ever had a thing for your boyfriend? This could just be a power play on her part.
The only way I could see this going conversation going down exactly as you said is if your boyfriend were trying to flirt with your friend. Most men know better than to critique a woman's body parts. But they might do it if they are boosting another girl's self esteem.
"What do you mean you think your ass is big? I hate big asses...yours is just fine."
Please don't make yourself a martyr over this. Confront him and ask him how he feels, don't absorb this and make yourself feel worse than you should.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 April 2011):
Like I said, when it came to my ex it wasn't so much about him loosing the weight as him showing me he actually took active choices. If he had stayed the weight he was, and been eating salads, working out regularly, and been active, eating healthy... it would have been very different! It could be the same for your boyfriend, that by seeing you leading a healthy life, and an active life style, you will become more attractive to him, because then he can see that you care. A person who treats themselves and their bodies with respect, and care, is more attractive than a person who just lets themselves go.I don't know how you eat or if you are active, but the most unattractive part of my ex's overweight was not the weight itself, but that he was in denial. He refused to see his weight as a problem, or see that he was overweight, and he didn't work out even though he said he did. He would tell me he was healthy, but then ate all that junk food right in front of me. It was like he was living a lie, and being in denial of his own actions. All of that was just so unattractive, that even if I was ok with his weight, and could have overlooked it, it became sickening to me after over a year with this behaviour.My point is that it is very likely that your boyfriend doesn't want a skinny person. He wants you, and he enjoys your curves and the little extra. But seeing you take active choices to keep yourself healthy (not thin, healthy) could make all the difference. Don't confuse healthy with thin. I don't think your boyfriend wants you thin as a stick. But you can be healthy! If my ex had just done what he said he would do, eat healthy and been active, he would have become more sexually attractive to me, even if he didn't loose a single kg. Back then it was difficult for me to talk to him about it as weight is such a taboo, and especially for women you're not supposed to talk about their weight. That could be why your boyfriend hasn't talked to you about it.. he is afraid to hurt you and doesn't know how to bring up the topic.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 You know, you don't have to be really skinny or a size zero. Its important to be healthy and control what you eat. Some people have a big built and they can never really be stick thin and honestly, that kind of underweight anorexic look sucks!! You need to be healthy, not to satisfy some guy, but for yourself.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (4 April 2011):
OK look...that conversation wasn't meant to be read by you in the first place. Let me clarify: I'm not supporting him at all, I'm just saying that all of us have personal conversations with our friends and we tell them about our feelings, our fears, everything. There are times when you must have been mad at your parent(s), your sibling(s), for whatever reason and you've relayed your feelings to a friend. Haven't we all done that? Of course. Does that mean that we love our family any less? Of course not.
What I'm saying is, it was a conversation between friends that you read. Its obviously not a formal, politically way of talking, but thats how friends talk! He doesnt love you any less, he just wishes you could lose some weight. And he didn't say anything bad about you as a person.And yes, for your your height, you are overweight. Lets face the fact. What is a little worrying is that he's letting this come in the way of your love life, but then again, you're very lucky to have someone who loves you as a person and not just for your body.
I know it must be terrible to have read something like this, but you know you have your options cut out now. Either you decide that you dont want to be with this man and completely cut off from him if you cant deal with this.
Or, seriously look at losing weight, not for him, but for yourself. At your height, you should be ideally max around 75 kgs. You're very young to be overweight, with all the health risks involved.
Sexual attraction is a very personal choice. Whether he likes your butt or not, thats between you and him. There's no guarantee that if you lose weight he would like you more then. I would personally never let something like this come in the way of love, but then again, to each his own. Have a talk with him, tell him that its bothered you and ask him where he thinks this is going. If you can work something out, great! If not, and you think that your love life is going to suffer because of this, then i guess its your call if you want to continue or not.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 April 2011):
Before you do anything too fast, read this.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-just-dont-find-her-sexually-desirable.html
It is from a man who didn't find his girlfriend sexually attractive, and he actually spoke to her about it and they sorted it out. Perhaps this can give you some insight on the fact that even if someone isn't 100% physically attracted to their partner it doesn't mean they don't love them, care for them, or want them!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut everything else is good?? We spend alot of time together and get along really well. There have been a few things bothering me but this is obviously because hes not sexually attracted to me. I blame myself for not excercising more or controlling my eating. In the end this is my fault. He cant help it if he likes attractive women.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2011):
 Wow, I'd ditch him too.
If YOU are happy with you, he is the one with the problem.
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male
reader, Philips +, writes (4 April 2011):
 I think it's cute to say 'its not all about sex'. Physical beauty fades with time, everyone gets older and older, uglier and uglier. What remains is a bond, a strong bond which is a source of enormous strength during hard times, which are surely awaiting everyone of us.
He seems over the physical preferences stuff.
To put it short, ignore that comment...or work out.
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male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (4 April 2011):
 you're spot on chihgirl. there's just 2 other things in order of importance. firstly men often like a woman with ample proportions and I suspect your boyfriend was one of those until some point in time. what changed his mind and don't think it was you. the seond thing is I've forgotten but anyway maybe you should lose weight for health reasons. I would like love a buxom woman but would like to think they didn't have any health issues. If he loved you then he should love you now. If he hasn't maybe the relationship has evolved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to lose weight. I have always felt he wasnt attracted to me. We still have sex regualrly but he isnt really into it. Ive wanted to have sex with him in the shower and he said we ought to not waste water. Obviously another excuse. We get along really well. The main thing im worried about it I wont be able to get down to being really skinny. I know I need to lose weight but I am also a solid build. Losing weight is so hard. Even if i speperated with him I would still want to lose weight.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 April 2011):
It is sad that you read that conversation, as it wasn't meant for you to know. What I mean is that if your boyfriend had talked to you about this he would have worded it differently, and perhaps it wouldn't have been so hurtful. Try to keep in mind that what he wrote to his friend is not how he would have talked to you, and between friends it is easy to be very open and say things that aren't sugar coated. The fact that he hasn't talked to you directly about this also shows that he doesn't see this as a deal breaker, he accepts your butt because you as a whole make the relationship a good one.
How is your relationship with your boyfriend? Do you think it is good enough to try and work through this, or does it hurt too much and you want to leave to find someone who loves all of you?
Then again, you know the facts. You weight 94 kg, and at your hight, not to mention young age, that is determined as overweight. And no matter how much your boyfriend likes you, he can't force himself to be attracted to something he just isn't attracted to. Obviously there must be many other attractive things about you than your butt then! But then again, if he loved you instead of just liking you, he would have been able to overlook this. People are not perfect as we all know, and there is not much of a chance that any one of us will find a person who is 100% perfect inside and outside. But when we love each other these things don't matter.
If it helps I can tell you that I once dated an overweight man. He was overweight to the point where his belly was hanging down over his belt, he had man boobs the size of my own breasts, and it was not attractive at all. I never told him it was putting me off him, and encouraged weight loss, but loved him all the same. I would still have sex with him, because I cared so much about him as a person. But there is no way I could ever think that his man boobs were sexy. Some things just aren't sexy, but we get by with what we have, you know?
I could have probably continued to be fine with his overweight had he chosen to not gain even more weight and lie to both himself and me about it. If I had seen that he made active choices in trying to loose weight, or at least not gain more, it would have made him more attractive. But seeing him eat ice cream, drink lots of soda, cookies, chocolate, eat fat foods like pancakes drowned in syrup... bad eating habits, no signs of wanting to loose weight, piling on the kg's in addition to already being overweight, the total package made him very unattractive physically.
So what Im saying is that there is a fine line between what a partner should accept unconditionally, and what the other partner can't force them to accept. If you are not willing to loose weight, then perhaps you need to find a man who is attracted to women with extra weight on them. Because you can not force your boyfriend to be attracted to something he just isn't attracted to, and there is no guarantee that the next guy you meet will be attracted to your bum, and not just "accept" it like I accepted my ex's man boobs. I accepted his boobs, but I REALLY wished they weren't there. Whether I spoke to a friend about it or not doesn't matter, as the truth is the truth.
I think your options here are these:
a. dump your boyfriend and look for a man who likes your bum, and everything else about you both physically and personality wise.
b. exercise! work out, eat healthy foods, shows your boyfriend that you make active choices in trying to loose weight, and don't mention to him that you saw the conversation.
c. talk to your boyfriend about the conversation you read, and talk about this, and come to a solution together. Most likely your options will be a and b, even if you decide to talk to him about this.
d. ignore the conversation and carry on as usual, and perhaps he will start to like your bum, or perhaps he won't and you will always have it at the back of your mind that he doesn't like your bum.
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