A
female
age
41-50,
*parkle34
writes:My boyfriend of 5 years is still visiting prostitutes despite us both going to counselling and him promising it is in the past. He left his email open recently and I saw a contact in there which was written on a piece of paper last year.... basically its a secret email address he has set up to converse with these women. I am not sure if I did the right thing but I created my own fake email address and wrote to him saying that a friend had passed his details on as he was a pleasure to service (very leading I know but I need to know what he's up to). He replied to ask where I was based and signed off with kisses. I have replied and am waiting on his response. I am so scared and hurt and don't want to look to see if he's replied as this year I know he is going to ask me to marry him because of conversations we have had. This has been a long term problem for him going back to his early 20’s. Its not that we don’t have a good and creative sex life, it’s an addiction that he can’t seem to beat and I’ve been very supportive in the past and put up with a lot of heartache. Do I stay or do I go? I know the answer really but am scared of life alone again... I am 35 and really don't want to start all over again but staying with a lying cheat isn’t an option either. I guess I just need to hear from people who have survived this sort of thing as life seems pretty crappy right now…. Am I a victim?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): I realise that its scary to think of yourself alone, Im 30 and left my boyfriend of 5 years(also my best friend) 3 weeks ago. I have always had suspicions about him sleeping with prostitutes but never had any chance or way of proving it. Either way, the relationship is over, as lack of trust is impossible to live with and although being alone is hard, when you take each day as it comes and get out of the situaton for a while, things start to become clearer and you start to wonder how on earth you managed to convince yourself that his lies were true.I consider myself to be a young woman with plenty of life ahead of me and although I'm spending my days at the moment forcing myself to get on with life and occupying myself to prevent ending up in floods of tears all the time, I know that eventually ill pick myself up, snap out of it and move on to greener and happier pastures. I think you already know that being alone is better than being with someone who has no respect for you. Men think of sex differently to how women think, and many of them sleep with prostitutes on a regular basis--its up to you if you want to let yourself be one of those girlfriends who dont even respect themselves enough to think they deserve better. Good luck and remember that you will find many new (best friends) when you stop allowing yourself to be treated like this and go and live your life again. You're only 35, not 85!
A
female
reader, Sparkle34 +, writes (10 March 2011):
Sparkle34 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are all so right.... thank you so much for your words of support. I am stronger than this and I know what I must do.... He will never change - sad but true.
Thank you, thank you, thank you xx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 You are dealing with the KNOWN and it's safe but still pretty crappy. Dealing with the UNKNOWN is definitely scary. But I think once you get back out there in the dating world, you'll kick yourself in the butt for waiting so long. Especially when you stumble upon true love.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 March 2011):
I bet you'd leave if you found out he'd given you HIV!
Like the others say, get away from this creep, or he'll give you something that will wreck your body one way or another.
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A
female
reader, Sparkle34 +, writes (9 March 2011):
Sparkle34 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your messages. The thing is (and I may be being naive) but he says he doesn't actually visit them but just arranges to meet them as that is where his kick lies.... Oh GOD, just reading that makes me an idiot! Really..... as if right!!?!?It's just so difficult as the rest of our life is so perfect together - we are best of friends. I need time to think and also arrange my future without him. I'm just very very scared..... I don't understand relationships anymore. I feel so betrayed and almost like it's not real and I can push it away and lock it up in that secret compartment in my brain. We have so much planned for this year! But you're all right - I can't hide from this anymore.... I need to speak to him and make a decision........ I really hate this!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): He's perfect but the sex addiction is the big elephant in the room, eh? Mom, he's perfect except for the small fact he beats me. We're in counselling though because I don't tolerate abuse and I want to support him. He hit me again last night so I'm going to throw more money at the counsellor for him for another five years but since staying with an abuser is NOT AN OPTION, I just might put my foot down and not marry him!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 March 2011):
 Why stay? You can not change this man and obviously you are making up persona's to try and catch him.. Why waste the time?
5 years relationship doesn't mean you have to just "suck it up" and stay.. Unless you 5 years down the line want to ponder what you really have together.. 35 is not too late to start over. Neither would 40 or 45... You get my meaning.
If you want happiness it's not with him, why settle?
Leave now. Get tested for STD's and more on.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 March 2011):
Right now you think life is pretty crappy. If you stay you'll be putting up with this crap day in and day out. If you go there's the chance you'll find the guy of your dreams and the risk that you won't. I know what I would do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): Are you a victim? Only if you let it happen.
You don't trust him. He goes with prostitutes, and could infect you with any number of ghastly diseases. Is this a man who loves you? I think not.
Get out of this relationship while you still have your sanity and your health.
You're only 35, for goodness sake, do you really believe you've got to settle for this guy or be an old maid?! His behaviour is already, very obviously having a damaging effect on your self-esteem.
You created a situation whereby you could test his fidelity and he failed completely! Wake up to what's happening here and for goodness sake get rid of this man from your life. Do NOT marry him!
What if, God forbid, you married him, had children with him. How much money do you think he'd be spending on prostitutes? Would it affect the quality of life of your children?
Do you want to be healthy and happy? If yes, then you know what you must do. End the relationship and leave him to spend all his time with prostitutes if he so wishes.
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