A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together for 4 months... Our relationship is fine in everyway except our sex life. He has admitted to me recently that he is addicted to porn and watches it and masturbates 2-3 times a day. At first sex was never a problem he couldn’t keep his hands off me and always wanted to have sex. I have quite a high sex drive myself and like to have sex at least once a day, which i think is fairly normal? But around 2months into our relationship he changed he started to turn me down and say he was tired etc etc etc.... (even when i had dressed up for him)!!! This alone left me feeling very insecure, unwanted and unloved.When i confronted him about why he didnt want to have sex with me he told me about the porn. He said he was going to stop.... He deleted all his porn and said he wouldnt do it again. Around a week later i checked his internet history and he had still been watching porn online everyday! It leaves me feeling like i am not good enough for him and i dont turn him on enough for him to want to have sex with me and that he must watch porn to get turned on. I used to love having sex with him but now we only have sex 1-2 times a week and its not the same, i dont feel that connection anymore i just feel that he is doing it for the end result and doesnt even care if i am satisfied. I have never had a problem with aex's not enjoying sex with me before and it is really starting to hurt me... the other night when he turned me down i went into the kitchen and burst into tears. I do care about him alot but should i just to leave him before he turns me into an insecure wreck? When i speak to him about it he just turns it into a joke and shuts off. I feel like ill end up a very insecure girl or eventually ill go looking elsewhere for what he is not giving me... any advice please? xx
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addicted to porn, insecure, porn, sex drive, sex life, unloved Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Porn addiction is confusing. Just remember you're a live 3d person you're better than any of those women. It's his problem.
A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 It's early enough in the relationship that you can bail out without too many ill effects. Porn addiction for most men becomes a lifestyle that is too rewarding to willingly quit. It may take him many years before he realises what he is missing. In the meantime, your self esteem is what takes a beating. Tell him to call you when he's tired of porn and ready to handle a real woman, and find yourself a real man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Has he "admitted" that he has a problem?The first step with any sort of addiction is recognition of your own problem.Also, I would be careful to check his feelings. Are you really number one in his life, but he is just struggling with porn? Or has he lost interest but is too chicken to say it to you?If you really like him, I would first1)get him to see his activity as a problem2)tell him you want to help him, but only if he wants your help. IE, you need him to be completely honest about how much he wants to invest in you/the relationship, and if he's committed. If he says he wants to be with you but is struggling with the porn, then help him.Do NOT go through with this unless you hear from he is committed to you. He's already hurt your self-image and made you cry. Sticking with it for the long term will be tough, but it's worth it IF you both care for each other.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 A porn addiction is not just one of those things people say addiction for but really mean lack willpower, it truly can make someone dependent. Some cases are so bad people lose their jobs and families. In the same way alcoholism is not the fault of the alcoholic's loved one's faults, neither is a porn addiction. It has NOTHING to do with you, your attractiveness, or how good you are in bed. It really does mess with a person's brain wiring. The fact that he told you about it probably means he wants to address it. He will need help, and he's almost certain to relapse sometimes, but if he wants to and works at it, he can get out of this.
Here's a website to help:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 That's a difficult situation you are in. Porn can be very very addictive: with all the negatives that addiction bring. Meaning it's going to be really hard for him to quit, with the subsequent negative emotions that come with it. An addict often can't help but blame the people around them for their addiction; it sounds like that's happening with you two too.
On the plus side he's come clean with you about it. You both are aware of the problem. He knows and you know why this is happening.
Do you think he really wants to stop? Does he understand the damage this is causing to your relationship? If he doesn't see that then this is probably a lost cause. He has to want to stop.
But if he does then the best i can suggest is talking about it. If his struggle can become your struggle that might help.
I can tell you what worked for me. As a guy I have had my struggles with porn and relationships. I suspect most of us have. What made me cut down dramatically was when I realised it was bad for me sexually. I'm a lot older than your boyfriend, so perhaps time made my understanding clearer. But there is no question to me that if I watch porn recently then sex with my partner is not as good. Our connection is not as intimate. It's harder for me to be aroused. As I saw the damage this was doing my resolve became strong and it became easy to avoid porn. I won't say that i never look at it, but it's ceased to be an issue. I see it now like a drug: something that once in a while is ok but in any degree of continuous use causes damage.
If he can see that this is the case, and maybe he can't, then that may give him the strength to cut down or even stop.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Yes your sex drive is normal...
Be serious and let him know that this needs to change, if he tries turning it into a joke dont back down, Send the message that your not joking around. Your needs needs to be satisfied too, if he still watches porn fine but he shouldnt let this affect your sex life or make you feel unwanted. He is not listening to your concerns and is not taking you seriously. If he doesnt change soon and continues to be selfish, and makes you feel unattractive and miserable. You should probably think about leaving him, dont cheat and be the one in the wrong from his wrong doings, leave and find someone new.
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