A
female
age
18-21,
oxxvickixxo
writes:Do you think that I should stay with my boyfriend even though I have found out how insensitive he is towards my feelings?3 Years ago I had an abortion, which he knew about to my ex.We are now trying for a child and since we are going on holiday soon and I am due my period then, I got the pill form my dr. When my boyfriend found out, he started shouting at me saying that I "wouldn't care if I was pregnant and if i was and our baby died it would be all my fault" He then went on to basically call me amurderer becaause of my abortion and i just lay there and took it, crying into a pillow.It made me think alot about what I had done and has made me feel like a bad person and I dont deserve to live, It has really made me quite depressed and most nights I cry myself to sleep and if we argue I cry uncontrollably - even if it is over the silliest of things.I know I love my boyfriend and I am pretty sure he loves me but how could he say things like taht? What do you think?
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abortion, depressed, my ex, on holiday, period, the pill Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Jen86 +, writes (21 July 2008):
Leave him. If you don't think he loves u and is using u for money just leave him. My ex was like that. He would say horrible things that made me feel like shgit. Then say he would change and never did. Don't put up with his crap. Is his name chris colwill by chance?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): listen my darling you do what you think is right for you,i had an an abortion 23 years ago it was'nt right for me be right for you
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A
female
reader, oxxvickixxo +, writes (17 July 2008):
oxxvickixxo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto be 100% honest I think he is too afraid to split up with me because of how it will make me feel, I think he still might care for me but not on the same way and he has kinda admitted that when we were arguing but he then said it just came out in the heat of the moment.
I dunno it just seems like he's trying to keep me around for things like money etc
I do love him and I just wished he felt the same about me but I seriously doubt it now
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  + ♥, writes (15 July 2008):
 Honestly, Vicki, I think that you need to take a break from this relationship. And having a baby together will not fix what isn't working, it will only add more stress to an already stressed relationship.
If you can, try to take one or two or even three months off from the relationship. Your other option is to try couples counseling. But maybe you need to listen to your own words, 'I don't know how much more I can take.'
Look, all of us have been through a break up at one point or another. When it's good, it's very very good, but when it's bad, it's time to leave. I too regret some of the breakups I've gone through. But there was generally a good reason for the break up. We were incompatible, he was selfish, I was immature, someone was being passive-aggressive, I didn't like his lifestyle, he had issues with anger control, etc.
You will get over a break up, I think, and maybe you will find a guy that treats you with respect and doesn't play all these games.
But I really don't think that this is a viable relationship, based on all those posts from you about it. Sorry for being so negative, but that is the way I see it.
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A
female
reader, Kinky Boots +, writes (15 July 2008):
 Tell him to grow up and bloody well get over himself!!! If he doesnt change his attitude then move on, life is much too short to waste a precious minute, so let him know this. If you want to take the pill, then take it, if you dont want to go on holiday, then tell him to buggar off, but stop letting him act this way towards you. You are a human being and deserve better.
*******
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A
female
reader, louxxlouxx + ♥, writes (15 July 2008):
 Thanks for those links Tisha-l, after reading your past posts it sounds to me like this guy is almost trying to make you finish with him. I think you may have to accept that this relationship is over and as hard as that is it is the only way you can start being happy again. I know you think you would be miserable without him, but you are miserable WITH him. You need someone you can trust and can share all your feelings with and talk to about anything and that just isn't him anymore. I read that he said he wouldn't want to hurt you by splitting with you but you are gonna end up more hurt if you stay with him any longer.
I definitely think you have very low self esteem. I think you should really think about getting some counselling to work on that and focus this time on yourself and making some new friends. Take up some new hobbies and don't put too much emphasis on finding another boyfriend just yet. Enjoy the single life. I hope you find the strength to move on x
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A
female
reader, oxxvickixxo +, writes (15 July 2008):
oxxvickixxo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice, I really dont know what I would do without him, I think this is why I keep putting things off or staying with him.
Tisha, Everytime I ask a question, we seem to get better or atleast not argue as much and he says he will change but I am afraid he will never change now.. Before I used to believe him when he tells me things like I always want to be with you blah blah blah but now I just dont know and I dont know how much more I can take..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (15 July 2008):
Hi Vicki, sorry to hear about your boyfriend. You two seem to have a very unstable relationship, it seems to me.
You've kind of asked this question before, namely the 'should I stay with him?' one.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-said-he-doesnt-feel-the-same.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-have-a-real-problem-with-trying-to.html
So, honestly, I think that maybe you two aren't really suited for each other. He has withdrawn from you in the past, isn't able to communicate in a way you find acceptable, and now he's called you a murderer? This is NOT a guy who sounds like a mature and caring person.
Maybe you should really consider taking a break from him, and sort things out in your own head? Maybe it's time to end the relationship entirely, so that you don't keep getting hurt?
Sorry to hear that you're going through such pain now. I hope that you come to a good conclusion and that things work out for you.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (15 July 2008):
 Why is he so desperate for a kid? You don't seem to be if you are going on the pill for your holiday.
You are also rather young, is he as well?
Some people want kids for the wrong reasons and this includes men.
One of the reasons is to tag you. If you are pregnant it is pretty clear you belong to someone else. The other reason might be to prove that he can, that he is ferile.
Perhaps this last one is made worse by the fact that anothe man already made you pregnant once and he still hasn't succeeded. His ego may be the cause of all of this.
Wether you should want to start a family for these reason and with a guy so insecure... NO.
I suggest you go on the pill and stay on it until you are absolutely 100% sure you want and CAN provide for anothe person for the next two decades. You already got it wrong once, don't become one of those women in and out of abortion clinics because they cannot control their hormones.
If nothing else, find out exactly what the motivations are for you two for having a child.
I think neither of you wants one for the right reasons. Perhaps you two can work it out, perhaps not but don't do it with another life in the balance.
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A
female
reader, Theoneandonlybutterfly +, writes (15 July 2008):
 I went through the same thing i got my kids taking away from me for something so stupid and i was hurt like hell i was carrying he's twins and he was not supportive at all he call me name and told me that i screw up my life and the kids he was so hurtful that i dont leave the house i dont buy me nothing or look in the mirror then a woman out of the blue told me something i dont even now her and i was at the doctor office she said that she went through depression just as well and almost killed herself and then she realize that she had something to live for Then i ask her what she had to live for she said HERSELF!!! That right there made me realize that i need to fight and leave that bitch!!! It was hard but and it took me 5 months but i dont let him know not one bit i let him talk about me and down me and realize that he was just doing that because he had problems with his self and i was better off doing bad on my own thank god for that woman. So girl do the same it's plenty fish in the ocean trust and believe in yourself dont let no man or woman get you down i had to learn the hard way and trust me you are going to learn to BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND YOU SHOULD HAVE THE world in your own hands when i mean world i mean YOURSELF keep your head up!!!
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A
female
reader, oxxvickixxo +, writes (15 July 2008):
oxxvickixxo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice, I'm just more afraid of what he'll do if I say I dont want to be with him any more.
It hurts like mad to know that the one person you care about the most in the world can just turn around and treat you like apice of crap..
I've spent the whole afternoon looking at old messges on bebo from when we first met and I cant belive how much he has changed, he doesn't seem to be the man I fell in love with but I just cant seem to want to let go
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A
male
reader, Scholar  +, writes (15 July 2008):
I'm really sorry to hear your situation...it hurts just to know us guys can be such jerks. But listen to me carefully. You have no obligation to this guy. Respect is a mutual thing, if you're in a relationship where you're giving it, and not receiving it you're being depleted. It should be a give and take. And you're killing yourself emotional. He's abusing you emotionally, and no woman or man should ever subject themselves to that. And the messed up thing is emotional abuse takes alot more time to heal than physical abuse.
If a man can say "I wouldn't care if I was pregnant and if i was and our baby died it would be all my fault" all that to the women who should be the "sunshine of his life" and the "apple of his eye", he's not fit to be in a relationship with you. Never stay in a relationship where a man doesn't look at you as being his queen...:) The number one thing a man should have (and this is coming from a man's perspective) is appreciation for women. He doesn't even have to like you, but a man must appreciate the fact that you are the bridge between him and his "own" child, and if he doesn't have that he's a grown-up guy with a boy's mentality.
Don't let you're feelings override your logic. If you know the smartest thing to do is leave him, don't let your heart get in the way. Your heart is designed to love and love and love. Your head is designed to think. And there comes a time where you have to be rational and realistic.
Good Luck - and make the right choice
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): Leave him.
That is horrible, what he did to you.
A guy who kicks you where it hurts like that wont stop.
He is not worth being a father.
I know you probably want a baby because of what happened in the past, but get yourself a good father. The baby will always thank you for that!
People do get pregnant on the pill and sometimes keep on taking it until they start showing and nothing happens to the baby!
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A
female
reader, louxxlouxx + ♥, writes (15 July 2008):
Don't let your boyfriend's comments bring you down. It sounds to me that he said all that in a fit of anger because if he really thought you were that horrible he wouldn't have stayed with you when he found out and he wouldn't still be with you now.
You made the decision to have an abortion because you weren't ready to have a child and didn't feel you could be the best mother possible at that time so don't let somebody who didn't understand where you were at at that time make you feel so bad about it. It is only natural to look back on things like this and wonder if you made the right decision but you know you were not ready to bring up a child at that time so you need to concentrate on the present by working on your self esteem, building up your self confidence again and to do that you have to be around people who make you feel good about yourself.
My advice would be to definitely put a hold on trying for a baby right now because getting pregnant will only intensify this situation. You need to speak to your boyfriend and make it clear that you will not tolerate him making you feel like that about yourself, and if this continues I think you should end the relationship because as I said before in order to feel better about yourself you need to be around people who make you feel happy. If after these measures you still feel trapped with guilt from your past then I would recommend considering counselling to help you through this.
Good luck! I wish you a very happy future.
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A
female
reader, Jen86 +, writes (15 July 2008):
I think he sounds a lot like my ex. I now suffer from serious depression because of him. He ignored all of my feelings that I had. My dad died a few months bvefore I got together with him but he wouldn't let me talk to him about it. He turned it around so we would end up talking about him and his feelings about when his grandfather died a few years before we got together. When i asked if we could get back to talking about me and my feelings all Igot was "sorry I've gotta get up for work in the morning" and with that he fell asleep and i ended up like you crying myself to sleep. I also suffered a miscarriage and when he found out he just carried on playing on his ps2 as if nothing had happened. I left him after being together for nearly 2 years.
If he can't be bothered to comfort you then he is not worth staying with. It will be hard but for your own sanity leave him. I know you have said that you are trying for a baby but do you really want to bring somebody into the world with a father like that? Besides the doctor would not have put you on the pill if you were pregnant.
You are worth so much more than this guy. It will take a lot of strength to leave him and I know this is difficult with depression, but after this struggle you will hopefully be a bit tronger and will be able to find someone who is worth your time, will actually put in the effort and will not let you cry yourself to sleep. I am now with someone else and I never thought i was worth being happy but my boyfriend makes me feel happy and not so worthless. It takes time to get back on your feet but with encouragement you will get there.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers + ♥, writes (15 July 2008):
Your doctor would not have put you on the pill if he thought you were pregnant.
However your boyfriend has absolutely NO EXCUSE for saying such horrible horrible things to you.
Stay on the pill, he is not ready to be a good dad. Tell him how much he has hurt you and how you don't want to bring a baby into a relationship that has problems.
If he loves you he will be willing to work at things, to change and do anything to stay with you and be a father to your child. If he kicks off and makes you cry again then get rid of him. He only cares about himself and what he wants. He doesn't care about you or about the baby you might have.
I also think you should go to the doctor if things get much worse. Depression is not fun and you don't want to get any worse.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, lilly_lex +, writes (15 July 2008):
 oh my gosh thats an awful thing to say to someone you love. he has no right to make you feel that way about something that happened in your past.If you had not had the abortion, then your life would be different and you may not have gotten with your current boyfriend, so really he should be thankful it all worked out so that you two got together, if he really loves you.Also another reason he may be making you feel so bad is jelousy. That may sound daft but if your boyfriend thinks you have gone through something like this with another man, it will drive him crazy.. that is my opinions anyways :) hope you sort this out x
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A
female
reader, Kissies4ubaby +, writes (15 July 2008):
 This is a terrible thing to be going through, you should not be subjected to that and you have to think long and hard do you want a baby with this person. If you think he will hold this abortion against you and throw that in your face every time you have an arguement I would leave him.If he says this now he is likely to say this whenever your child would be born.No one person should make you feel like this! You should go to your doctor and see if they can help you out. depression is an awful thing of left untreated and get worse with being pregnant and giving birth
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