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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi. I have just had an interesting conversation with my colleague. I am about to buy a house with my bf of 18 months. He has fronted the 10% deposit for the house as he has managed to save really well over the last couple of years whereas I am c**p with money. We are not married and have agreed to share the bills and the mortgage, unless we end up having kids in which case he is aware that he will probably end up paying for more as I will be on maternity leave. The thing is, my colleague seems to be of the opinion that my bf should pay more towards the bills than me, because he earns more. it’s true that he does earn more but I disagree and think if I am using as much heat/lighting/gas/food/water as him then it should be half each, right?She said to me that I was being ‘all women’s’ lib about it’ which I have slightly taken offence to. Lucky her if her husband paid for more or vice versa but our relationship is just not like that and I am pretty sure my bf will NOT be up for paying more unless I was having his child, and why should he?For the record he has just been promoted and will be earning around £25,000 a year and I am also due a pay rise and when that happens I’ll be earning £19,000. I have NEVER been with a man who pays for me and I’m not sure how I feel about it. We both work really hard and what he earns is kind of his and mine is mine. Am I wrong to think like this? What do you all think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): This question is very interesting for me. I have someone special someone in my life which we are getting serious each and everyday. We talk about moving in. The problem is;
I am living in an apartment owned by my sister and I dont pay rent to her, since we don't have that kind of relationship. I am planning to move out but when I do, I want it to be my place not a rental. I am some kind of professional who makes really good money with a bright future so I can afford it.
But when it comes to mr. special, he is not earning that much and probably he will never be...
And the difference is huge! He makes less than I do.
So at least you have options and better balance between you two. You can reach out by being more active at home or trying to spend less. What if you were in our situation?
You can't wait for someone who is making the same amount of money to start a relationship, right? :)
I think by time you will find just the right perfect balance.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou female anon, the voice of reason! You are speaking my language homegirl!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): OP to each his/her own. Personally i earn more than my hubby but i contribute half (not more) to our bond. (the other bucks get used up in our home for all other living expenses anyway.
i agree sometimes the "petty" stuff like cooking and cleaning can get addressed as and when the issues crop up. like every relationship things will crop up that u never though of before. things that may seem minor or irrelevant now, may become priority later on. and that is ok. with life and all the changes coming our way, we all just adapt as we go along.
a book for all the chores...nnnaaahhhhh , thats not me. sometimes u just go with the flow and it works out. other times , it doesnt. so what do u do? - learn from those mistakes and endevour to progress.
So very Confused: I am glad you and boyfriend are making a book of rules for everything. after 3 marriages, 4th one soon: i too would want everything down in black and white. so i am glad u are cautious and u want to address all areas of your life.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear so very confused. Don't worry, all those things have been discussed, not to worry. We are committed to eachother and whatever you or anyone else says, we are both fine with how things are thanks. I have had long relationships before, yes and look, I am 100% committed, but i would rather keep the finacial side of things slightly separate still for a while.
Yes, we will both be on the deeds and HE actually discussed with me that we tally up out money and work out in finite detail what we are spending and what we have etc...he even considered I give him an allowance! Bless!
We have discussed me having a baby and i will probably go back to work part time.
Sorry to say, but plenty of people muddle through somehow. I dont share your slightly OTT attitide and never will. Plenty of people fall pregnant when they werent planning for it and manage.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 "we have only been togther 18 months and whilst buying a house is a massive committment that we are both committed to, in other areas maybe we are holding back slightly and that is ok."
Oh dear.... I have been together less than 9 months with my bf. I left a husband for him.... I'm crazy but we are NOT holding back at all. DO you really feel that holding back with a man you are having a baby with and buying a house with is NORMAL?
AND do you really feel that the "petty" details work themselves out?
Have you ever been in a long term committed relationship before or is this your first one?
With three marriages behind me (for various reasons) I can tell you that the PETTY details DO NOT work their way out... they have to be discussed and hashed out.
My BF and I have a list we are compiling that is titled HOUSE RULES...may seem silly to some but it's stuff that we are needing to make OUR home work out. We have set a cleaning day and who does which chores... we have talked about budgeting till it's coming out our ears.... I am not so naive to think that our love will carry us through... we have lots of things we disagree about... life is far from perfect...
are both of you getting the mortgage for your house?
are both of you going to be on the deed of your house?
and when you have the baby will he still expect you to pull your fair share along with HIM AND care for the baby? who's going to pay for day care and diapers for the baby you are having? will you be splitting that? will it be 50/50 or will it be a percentage?
I am not asking if you will comply with societal norms...I know mine does not... but I worry for you that you think that the petty things will just work out and I'm very concerned that you are willing to commit to a relationship but NOT WHOLE HEARTEDLY.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 July 2011):
 My advice, which apparently you aren't really seeking, is to make sure you keep good records of expenditures. Who paid what, when and how much. If your relationship goes sour you will need documentation for the court.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBtw 'female anon', I dont have any friends that are married! Most of my friends are also single. We are a creative, beatnik bunch and we have all struggled to adopt social norms, including settling down and marriage. Also, my sister is 'happily married' whatever that is. Her husband has worked full time to provide whilst she has had three children, they are far from happy. My parents were the same and it is just not what I want from my life. I have always been and always will be slightly rebellious/subversive I guess.
I love my man with all my heart, he is an amazing person but we both accept that our relationship is never going to comply to social norms, and for that I am grateful becuase it would bore me to tears.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to respond to two of the less positive replies here, a minority I hasten to add as the majority seem to think that my/our attitude is fine.
Firstly, you know nothing about my relationship, we have only been togther 18 months and whilst buying a house is a massive committment that we are both committed to, in other areas maybe we are holding back slightly and that is ok.
To female anon who posted about how a man acts 'when he is in love' is this the same man that comes along on a white horse to save the vulnerable princess from her wicked uncle who has locked her in a castle? Get a grip, what century do you live in? 'He;s hedging his bets'....really? I guess that must be why he is fronting £15,000 of his hard earned cash in to a house for US, not to mention coming to the hospital with me for fertility tests and having them himself? Don't speak about things you dont know about.Also, I have NEVER loved anyone how I love him however, I can still be tight with money around him, and protective around my cash. It does not mean I am not in love with him. I find your statement idiotic and you sound like you live in a dream world. We are both working class kids and also, you may not have noticed this, but we are in an economic resession so money is a sensitive subject for most people, although obviously not for yourself. You seem to be stuck somewhere in the 1940s when men were still expected to take financial responsibiltiy for women.Maybe you met a man who looked after you financially, and if so, I bet there was a little part of him that resented you for it. That is not the life i envisage for myself and i would not want to show that to my children either. I think it's a bad message.
To lazyguy, we dont need to discuss such petty things as cooking and cleaning, i have every faith that we will not argue about those things. I love cooking and know that we will do the shopping/cleaning as and when we can. To us that stuff will just get done. We have real problems in our lives reagrding our jobs, families and trying to get pregnant without worrying about such petty things.
To everyone else, thanks for your awesome replies.
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female
reader, Aunty Honest  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 I think you have the right idea-financial independence is important, you don't want a free ride and you don't want to feel like you owe your boyfriend anything down the line. It's great that you want financial independence, and that self-reliance is part of your character and thus probably part of what your boyfriend likes about you anyway. Stick to your instincts and do what makes you comfortable!
Good luck
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 July 2011):
You have an interesting question... should you pay 50% or should you pay a percentage relative to your salary?I'm going to tell you that I make about 23k more than my boyfriend but since he is putting the down payment on a house we are going to buy we will be splitting all our bills 50/50 as we feel it's not his money and my money but OUR MONEY... if you are close enough to talk about having kids and close enough to buy a house together then aren't you close enough to combine all the funds and have it be OUR MONEY not his and hers?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): When a man is deeply in love and has found the woman he wants to marry, his overriding instincts will be to provide and protect. You will have no questions about his generosity and willingness to give to you. Your relationship sounds like a business arrangement and your boyfriend is protecting his best interests and hedging his bets. Is this what you want from a man? Talk to some of your friends who you know have happy marriages and get their stories.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Oh boy, this relationship is off to a good start..If you start off with you both only willing to put in the same amount as the other then how are you going to deal with cleaning? Cooking? Shopping? What if one partners next job is a long way away meaning they don't have time to do their share of the housework? What if you get a massive promotion and start earning a lot more? What if he looses his current job and has to accept a low paying job?I personally don't think this is the correct way to behave in what is supposed to be a loving relationship. You might feel different but in that case I do suggest you get something agreed for the above situations. A pre-nup is not just for married couples.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 I give you credit for seeing things as you do. Unless someone offers to carry you, you shold carry yourself. It can lead to resentment when the honeymoon stage of a relationship is over.
If you go to a restaurant do they charge you according to income? Why should you pay as much as the other guy who earns more? I think your friend is wrong. You admit yourself you're not good with money. That means yo're spending foolishly and therefore don't have the money to contribute to the house. In other words, your obligation should be to refining your spending habits and being able to have extra for the household bills.
Ideally a couple sees the big picture, has a happy marriage and life unfolds perfectly. If you got divorced from this guy and the law said you were entitled to 50%, would you take it? You would know you didn't contribute an equal part.
In theory and all things being equal, if he makes 25,000 and you make 19,000 and he saved "X" amount, you should have been able to save about 77% of "X" as well.
In my marriage of 25 years we have not fretted about who makes how much. We have worked as a team mostly. The problem isn't really whko makes what amount, it's when someone assumes thet are "entitled" to pay less becasue they earn less.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (25 July 2011):
 I say stick with the 50/50. It is only fair.
I have read some advice on this regarding if one person makes more. But the person who makes more, should be SAVING more, not spending more.
Both of you should be contributing equally to the exspenses, but work out an understanding who will be contributing more in cases of emergency or if one of you should be unable to work. Work those issues out NOW.
Be on the same page on what your backup plan is before or IF it ever happens.
In your case, your bf put up the downpayment, so he is already "ahead". You can also contribute to the home in TIME that you give with labor.
Either way, do not pay any mind to what your colleague suggested. It is your relationship, not hers/his. If it works for you and your bf and you are both happy..love ever minute of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for the replies so far. To be honest, I am quire financially independent and enjoy being so. I like all your posts, particularly female anon - your post made me feel quite emotional! I think it is important that as women we dont expect for our other halves to pay more and I respect what you are saying about it being hard.
I too have old fashioned values; I expect men to be gracious and polite but when it comes down to money, ofcourse it is nice to be treated OCCASIONALLY, and I like to treat my guy too, but all the time or being looked after by a guy? I think i'd rather be single!
Consequences of the 21st century i guess!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): I don't have much advice, unfortunately, but I wanted to say I'm reading this with interest. I am in a similar position to you. I am 5 years younger than my boyfriend, but I earn a lot less - around half - of what he makes.
I believe passionately that women should pay half. (And that there is nothing wrong with being 'all women's lib'!!) But I am not able to afford to do so all the time. This leaves me with a problem - either I say 'no, I can't go, I can't afford it', or I pay half and get into debt.
I try to do everything I can do save money. I never buy new clothes - all my wardrobe comes from charity shops, while he buys expensive designer clothes. I also try to compensate by doing a LOT of the housework - and by helping out with all kinds of manual labour, including some heavy lifting! (I am tiny, but strong!) I do 90% of the cooking too, and I pretty much always pay for meals when we are out.
But I still can't afford to do everything he wants to do (esp regarding travel etc.) so sometimes he pays for me to do things so that we can enjoy them together. He is incredibly generous, and would never, ever raise paying as an issue. But the fact that I can't be financially equal does make me feel quite bad at times, even to the point that I feel like a failure. Sometimes I feel very stressed about it.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Your friend is in the wrong, here. Feeling entitled to your man's money means it's no longer a loving gesture when he does do something like front the deposit. He also should not be punished for being better with his money than you are.
Keep doing what you're doing as far as handling joint funds in the relationship, and ignore your friend. Better yet, if you're as bad with money as you say, talk to your man about how you could be more responsible with it - a few simple talks about spending habits, savings, and bookkeeping could pay off in a few short years, and will at least make him happy for the chance to be helpful.
Lastly, on a practical note, if you start acting entitled to his money, any man with options will reconsider whether you are really dating him for him, or for his money. One wonders how her husband feels about things.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 July 2011):
Exactly what the post below says - in the end, it your own choice as a couple.
If you feel that you should pay half, then go ahead and pay half.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 July 2011):
 It is personal choice, if you feel your relationship is based more on equality then dont worry about what your colleague said, you have to do what is right for you and your relationship.
I personally actually agree with your colleague - if the man earns more then once you move in together, it is fair that he contributes more because he has more income available. If you go 50/50 then the person with the lower salary struggles for cash whereas the higher salary partner can go out and enjoy themselves more, which in my opinion isnt right.
But that is just me - depsite only being 24 I am quite old fashioned and I believe the man should pay more if he earns more, and if the woman worked fewer hours then she should be the one doing the cooking/cleaning etc. However this can easily be reversed - if the woman has the highger paid job and the man works fewer hours, then the roles should absolutely be revered. No double standards!
But as I said before, it is personal choice and totally up to you. You know your relationship better than anyone, and you have your own personal beliefs and standards so do what you believe in, dont listen to anyone else.
Your partner has paid for the deposit which will be a fair amount of money, so he has already made a big contribution so in your situation sharing the bills & mortgage seems sensible.
Do whatever is right for you and your partner - dont worry about anyone else and their opinions!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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