A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, so, I've been having doubts about my current relationship. We met on a dating website 5 months ago, and started dating 3 days after we met... In all honesty, I only accepted going out with him because we had sex, and I then felt obligated to. (I know that's a stupid reason, I regret it.)Things started off ok, we really started connecting but then I learned some things about him that I really didn't know I could get used to. He has intense ADHD, which he can control sometimes, but other times he can't, and it really bothers me because I feel as though I can't even hold a serious conversation with him without him breaking his attention. And when he has a bad attention day I get into a VERY bad mood because I can't even talk to him seriously.He also has space issues... he's very... very... clingy. I'm the type of person that needs space. I've talked to him about it, and he's gotten A LOT better, but there are times when it gets overwhelming. For example, we live almost an hour away from each other, so when the weather is so bad to the point that it's dangerous to even leave my house, he'd get upset (and I mean practically depressed) when I can't come see him, even though we see each other twice a week. So I get mad when he gets upset because I feel as though he'd rather me risk my LIFE to see him.He has anger issues. He will blow up over silly little things, and I dislike people who can't control their temper.He tries to be supportive. He told me that when I go to my 2 schools, my tutoring lessons, and work he'd be 100% supportive and there for me, but when I get busy he gets depressed, and when he gets depressed I make promises I can't keep to make him happy... like getting an apartment together, which I have no intention of doing.Sometimes I just want to end things, but when I'm with him, or on the phone with him, I just want to try and fix things. So, obviously, I must care about him. But other times I just wish I never met him at all so I can stop stressing about this. I don't know what to do.I know all of you who are reading this probably think as though it would be smarter to just break it off, but I get really sad when I think about doing that. I don't want to lead him on... I mean, yesterday he brought up marriage... (YIKES!) but I want to end things with reason. I thought about if I get too busy with school, work, and everything else I'm doing then maybe I can tell him that I just don't have the time for a relationship... What do I do?
View related questions:
depressed, needs space Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): Never think someone will harm themselves because of you, if they are unwell and chose to do that to themselves it is their choice. Whether it's you leaving or someone else he will probably use that threat to hold power over you in a desperate way.
Break up with him, if you don't feel comfortable doing it in person then don't. He is not good for you and a relationship, especially one so new, should not be this stressful.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (27 January 2015):
One thing stuck out to me in your follow-up post and that is that he harms himself, or is capable of doing that anyway.
Do NOT and I repeat DO NOT let that hold you back from ending an unhealthy relationship like this one. If someone truly intends to hurt themselves, they will do it anyway, regardless of your choices. And whatever he ends up doing is NOT your fault. So don't ever blame yourself for the outcome, whatever it may be.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Don't lie to him. It's not fair or kind. Tell him he's not the one for you.
If he self-harms, that's not your fault. It's his responsibility how he treats his body and how he conducts himself.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 January 2015):
 I don't think you should lie to him at all! No BS excuses about being too busy, or having other goals in life etc. Just tell him the truth: you do not want to have a relationship with him, he's not the right guy for you!!!
So what, you promised to break up face to face? If he made you promise that then it sounds like he KNEW you would break up with him, so prepared for it. Even so, you are not obliged to tell him face to face. Sure it is the most decent thing, but my last boyfriend got dumped over the phone, simply because the situation was such that it was the best way. If your situation is so that breaking up over the phone is the best way, then THAT is what you will do. Not face to face, if you know he will cry and you will try to "fix things" in order to make them better. My bet is that he knows you will end things, and he knows that you will take him back as long as he turns that hose on. So his strategy is to have the talk in person so he can convince you to stay.
You're not happy, just tell him so! You are NOT responsible for his feelings, he is a grown up man, he doesn't need you to baby him.
As for this "reputation" of yours, what is that all about? Do you tell everyone in the world who you sleep with and whether or not you are in a relationship with them? That is nobody's business, and you should stop telling people such information if all it does is make you think you need to live up to some "reputation" by getting involved with men you have no interest in just because you got horny one night.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 January 2015):
 You said you made a LOT of promises you can't keep, just to avoid drama.
IF you FEEL like YOU (screw him for a minute) can't do it in person, then DO it over the phone. DOING it in person doesn't make it easier, the only thing it CAN do is make it HARDER on BOTH of you.
NOT going into details or his "faults" I think is the BEST way to break up, the "it's not you, it's me" approach. I like the way you worded it. It's about why, YOU can't do relationships, not about all the things you don't like about him.
Breaking up sucks. He will get over it, and so will you. Just do NOT offer "we can still be friends" line. I'd say CUT the contact 100% afterwards.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice!
Yeah, I know that jumping into bed with a guy is a bad idea, but I also had a reputation to protect. I never ever sleep with guys unless I am in a relationship with them... However... I suppose I wanted a new partner because I wanted to cut those last ties with my ex who was bothering me at the time.
But I'm wondering what I should do about breaking up. He made me promise that I'd do it face-to-face, but I'm afraid to.
Also, I'm worried about his outcome. He's... sensitive. And a crier. And he harms himself, I'd feel terrible if he ever hurts himself because of me. I especially don't want to blame him for the relationship not working well.
And, what would be more appropriate to say, "Hey, I think I've been having second thoughts about our relationship. I just don't think I can handle the commitment right now. I have a lot of goals I need to accomplish before I can subject myself to a relationship. And I've also just been needing a lot of my own space." Right?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): He's a grown-man. Treat him like one. Simply tell him you're sorry things just aren't working out, and you just can't continue to see him. You have tried; but you don't feel there is anyway it will work. No dragged out speeches or excuses.
How is lying and leading him on better than that?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 January 2015):
Dont lie. And dont drag it out. Just tell him you have been thinking, and he is not the right guy for you. Nuff said.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (26 January 2015):
You're not happy in this relationship. You've tried to make it work, but it isn't, so you need to end it.
In hindsight, you should never have slept with him, and you should never have started this relationship. Next time you'll be wiser I'm sure.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 January 2015):
End it.
Seems like you bought the cat in the bag.
There is nothing wrong with having ADHD, some people are able to manage it, others not so much. I think there is a lot more to it then "just" that. For the the anger issue would be a WAY bigger problem.
You say you "just want to fix things" which I take as .. I just want to FIX him, so dating HIM isn't a mistake I'm currently making.
HE IS WHO he is. And while you can "change" certain responses in him, he will NEVER be the guy you WANT him to be.
You are looking for excuses to break up, so BREAK up. It's only BEEN 5 months, you tried it out and IT ISN'T working for you. So stop leading HIM on and STOP dating him out of some misguided pity.
A SIMPLE, I have been thinking this over and I just don't see the two of us working out long term. I wish you the best and I'll be going NO CONTACT (after that you BLOCK him, remove and block him from Facebook and whatever apps you have him on). Then you TAKE some time to look back and learn a few lessons.
1. sleeping with a guy doesn't MEAN you owe him anything. Not a relationship, not your time.
2. TAKE you time BEFORE jumping into bed with a guy if #1 is too hard. If you met a guy on a dating site (or elsewhere) GO out on dates, GET to know the guy BEFORE jumping into bed.
3. This is the most important one. DO NOT date a "fixer upper" someone you feel you HAVE to "fix". You can't change another person to SUIT you. FIND someone who IS a better match.
Good luck and GET IT done.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 January 2015):
 You do need to end it, and the sooner the better, as you will just get more and more miserable, while he gets more and more into the idea of marriage ..... as you said YIKES!
Its that old question isn't it, do you remove a bandaid slowly bit by bit or grab one little end and just PULL!
Personally I think close your eyes and pull!
Phone him, tell him you have been thinking a lot about the relationship and that you know it is not going to work, don't give him any reasons as listed above, because normally they would all be surmountable, so just repeat, we need to break up, the relationship is not working for me.
And then block him. Yes, he is going to be hurt, but he will be just as hurt, or maybe even more hurt, if you put it off, the pain will simply be prolonged, just like when you decide to ease off the band aid, bit by bit rather than giving it that one quick yank.
...............................
|
